back to my question..

How in heavens name does your nine year old NOT feel abandoned by you....

get to a lawyer today to establish your rights...

you realize being out of the home right now will be used against you as "abandonment" of the children..

and here we are seven days later that you haven't seen your kids....

how is this normal for them for dad to be gone for seven unless you travel...and then have PHONE contact EVERY day...

you wanna save this marriage and family..

man-up and save the children first......

can you see how scary this is for your children...

can you?

dads gone...
moms leaving kids with grandma....
both parents emotionally charged..

what a fun time in their lives this must be...

you need to aggressively establish concrete contact with those kids...

sparse before and not at all now is NOT good....

please I am begging you to put the children above both you and your wife's emotional trauma right now....

please please please see your children
tell them you love them
still their fears and confusion...

why can't people see how this grownup chaos effects kids...
why are people so blind to it...
why

ARK

and



Your best hope is to find a new job!!

Good Luck-

~Saturn

well saturnrising, she no longer works at the office. That is why I was so surprised to see her there.

ark, my wife left with the kids so I can't actually stay with them now to avoid the "abandonment" plea. They are already out of the marital home.

but I hear your concern and it is one that my wife echoes a lot. She seems to fear that I will not look after my kids as a result of the separation. Will put some energy in reaching out to them and closing that gap.

Yesterday was the best I have felt since this whole mess started. Finding myself again and the confidence to properly carry out Plan A without breaking down and crying.

This means I am in a much better way and can surely make a concerted effort to visit the kids.

Thanks for the advice.

well guys, I have blown it.

Tried doing plan A and it was working out ok but then I caved.

Asked her to be honest with me and she did. Came clean and confessed that she was still communicating with the OM. I too had several run ins with my OW.

As a result, I told her we were not at a stage that we could work on the marriage and we needed to space out and find out what we really wanted. No contact between each other and no support, financially or otherwise.

She gets the raw deal here as I was the main bread winner.

To top it off, I called her OM and cleared the air on some issues and our son, 9 year old was within ear shot. Disaster.

She now hates me 100x more than before and whatever progress made with plan A is now lost.

I don't have the strength to continue and now the battle will be even harder than it was before.

Sorry for failing despite the good advice here but failed I did.

This is the end of my marriage.

Divorce

Get over yourself and your pity party. Why are you giving up so easily? This thing takes time. Get yourself some IC, get on some ADs, and fight the good fight. Remember, you are the one that got yourself into this mess, and you need to be the one to get yourself out of it (especially for your son's sake). There are many people here who have felt like giving up, and many of them have managed to save their marriages. These things take time. Aren't you man enough to get through this?

Listen, feel your pain, and I know what you are going through. Saving your marriage from infidelity is a hero's task. You are the one that came on this board trying to save your marriage. Well, it hasn't been more than two weeks since you posted. You can't give up yet. I'm just giving you some tough love to help you through this. You can't give up after such short a time. Don't be a quitter.

You are not the first cowboy to fall off a horse. Do you think all of us here, in recovery, didn't make mistakes, sometimes huge ones? No Way. I uttered some of the biggest Love Busters of our 33 year relationship during some of the discovery and recovery days.

Another poster got the nickname Black Mamba for her venomous outbursts on her Wayward hubby. But you know what happened next? We both (and many others here) got up, dusted ourselves off, surveyed the damage, apologized for what was ours to apologize for and JUMPED RIGHT BACK INTO PLAN A.

Nobody's perfect, so why should you expect perfection from you or your W? Just correct what was wrong, make your apologies, come to an agreement about NC, and jump back in. You will come out of this better prepared for the rest of your life, married to your current W or not, for having exercised the plan, made the self improvements, and knowing in your heart you did everything possible to save your marriage.

Buck up, camper, back on the program!
SD

guys,

your words have reached my heart.

I realise how much of a hero's task this is and I just don't think I have the strength to pull it off but I will make one last effort.

At this stage, what if we cannot come to an NC agreement? Is there anything else I can do?

It's called plan A my friend. Get busy reading up on it.

Well I have followed the advice and thought it time for an update.

In the last two months I have tried to be the best father to my children that I could be.

Also, tried to support her EN wherever and whenever she would let me.

I thought this was going ok but noticed that whatever progress that seemed to be made during the week would blow up in smoke every weekend.

This got me suspicious that she was still actively having the affair. She told me that the affair was over but refused to agree to NC.

This week, that situation came to a head.

First, found several boxes of condoms in the car and nearly died. She says they were given out at a party but she did not use them nor is she sleeping with anyone.

Second, found her having dinner with the OM.
She says they met at the restaurant by chance since a friend of hers was meeting a friend of his. She has been liming closely with people that he is associated with so this sort of "chance" meeting is quite likely to happen a lot.

Thirdly, and this was the nail in the coffin for me....I got a print out of her phone log from the telephone company. Sure enough, she had been contacting the OM EVERY DAY. Several times and having hour long conversations with him. Even on the day that they met by chance at the restaurant, there were several calls and text messages made to his number.

She says they are just friends and are talking about non relationship stuff. (AS IF!!????)

Now I am facing this monster and calling on the Lord for every ounce of strength and advice to defeat it.

From posts and advice here, bringing this information to the OMW is my first step. Doing that this afternoon.

I am sure that is going to blow up and cause some collateral damage but it is a necessary step.

If I survice that, then the repairing of the marriage could continue.

Without separating those two, I am fighting a losing battle.

Say a prayer for me and please, throw in any additional advice or comments.

I bumped one of 3 threads for you....how's it going? Did you meet with OMW?

Ace

Don't worry about exposure. They ALWAYS flip out and PROMISE that it's over because you did this. Just lay low for a little while and refuse to get drug into arguments. It will blow over in a week or two, but the damage to the affair will be done. Remember, you M didn't stand a chance anyway as long as there was contact. This will piss her off, but will likely bring NC about much more quickly. Expose to EVERYONE! There will be no safe place for her to hide and meet up with OM. Just be prepared for some venom thrown your way the next few weeks. If you expect it, it WILL hurt less.

OG,

I have been going back and forth in myself whether to post to you or not. I've been in your shoes...the double-road...

I have one thought here...whatever you do, go for clean lines.

Your in a messy place of contact on both sides...clean up those lines. Is OW married? Did you expose to her H or BF? Did you amend to him?

Seeing that this is like rape...and every contact your WW chooses is like her having dinner, conversing with your rapist...if valid. Same for you. When OW walks in, as she did, and you don't immediately leave, or state cleanly, "Get out. You are not to come here again." And when she said what she did, you did the right thing and call the police...you do not stay with her, at all...she is your wife's rapist...you do the right thing and remove.

What you want your WW to do, you must do also.

This is your amends to yourself, to your marriage...exposure is living in truth and sharing truth. Know your own as well.

What if you both moved away? So no accidental contact was made by either of your OPs?

Please keep posting...you're walking a really rough road, and it isn't as much a hero's road as one of true redemption. Where you get yourself back, fully...honestly. I took it as my debt and am thrilled I did. I wish the same for you.

You can do this.

Are you talking with your WW? Listen and repeat? Are you making driveby O&H statements? Your own transparency and ownership is as important as hers. Stay focused.

LA

Thanks lovinganyway.

I remember being referred to you at some point seeing that your situation was similar to mine.

My OW has been instructed not to contact me by any means, nor I her. Followed advice here and changed my cell phone number. Since then, no contact has been made.

Spoke to her BF via email once to tell him I was sorry and trying my best to fix the situation. He appreciated it but we have not talked since. Now that NC is in place, not sure that I want to touch base with him again in fear that doing so would prompt a reaction from OW.

Love the analogy to rape. That is precisely what it feels like to me. Could only imagine that it feels like that to my WW as well. Great concept. Really helps me to put the scenarios into perspective.

The last time the OW tried to corner me in conversation at my office, I literally ran down the road to escape her. Not taking anymore chances! That was before getting her to agree to NC.

Also took two months leave from the job so I won't be in a fixed place where an attempt at contact could be made.

I would love to move away but put forward the proposal and she refused. Saying the last thing she would do now is migrate to a foreign country where she would be dependent on me for everything. I tried countering, saying she could get a job and start her career there but WW did not bite.

Now I know why, she is obviously still actively involved with this guy, as the telephone log proved.

It will take some more progress along the road of recovery before such an attempt could be made again but I have not ruled it out.

We do talk every now and again. Listening and repeating as best I could. Ocassionaly, it will get a bit confrontational, like the time I caught them having dinner and the discussion about the phone log. Handled those in as pleasant and controlled a tone as I could under the circumstances. Last thing I need is for her to think I'm going to get angry and be rash.

Thanks again for your encouragement. Going to remain committed to the process for at least the rest of this year. Praying for a miracle and thus far God has showed me his grace for which I am eternally grateful.

As for exposing the continuing relaitonship to the OMW, I did the deed and yes it did blow up as expected.

The OMW confronted the OM and sure enough he came right back at me.

Threatening to get physical and even called some goons to beat me up on sight.

The good Lord watched over me as both his mother and brother showed up on the scene. They heard him having a heated discussion with the OMW, figured he was heading out to do something rash and followed him.

They managed to talk him out of any immediate action and I am still alive to post on this board. By the grace of God!

As his own brother put it....the bomb has been dropped, now to sit back and see what happens.

Hopefully the worst is over and things only get better from here on out!

By Faith in God.

Hey Jim, you are pretty close to me in age. I am 29.

Read your story in it's entirety.

WOW! You are truly amazing and committed considering your age and financial position.

My job is pretty decent but pales in comparison from what I gathered of yours, income wise.

Also, I do not own my own home. Was renting a two bedroom apartment which the LandLady took away after the separation.

Now I stay in a 1 bedroom apartment, hardly inviting for a wife and two kids to return too!

Gave my wife the family car which she repeatedly asked for. Gave it to her with a letter saying I thought it would be best for the kids that she has the car and the car seat. Safety and convenience. Ofcourse, she took it and continued a partying streak that would make Pamela Anderson blush. The kids hardly see her at all. Horrible decision I think. To top it off, I am still paying for installments on the vehicle every month.

That's another story.

The point is, you have it MADE! A house, two cars paid off, a great job and you are 26. Kudos.

A bit scary that your situation is taking so long to be resolved given that scenario but that is in keeping with most advice here. IE, it takes 2 years and more.

Your WW has a great H in you, no doubt. Wish you all the best with your MB efforts and thanks for your words in my thread.

I have a queston for you. I got my WW a new job but I have never brought up the issue of the affair with her employers. Should I risk an incredible LB and bring it to their attention?

Do they work together? If they do, it should definitely be brough to their attention. If not, I don't understand what it will help, unless you suspect that she is contacting him using work phone or email.

Where does your WW live? You would have a much better shot at saving your M if you could move back in with her. Also, why are the kids staying with your wife? You should fight for them. If it does come to a D, you want to document that you wanted to see your children and were denied access to them, so it doesn't look like abandonment. The last thing you want is to lose custody of your children.

OG - Is this a serious question or just an unfocused question founded in your desperation of what you are losing?

If it is serious, then I have to ask you if you and your wife have accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior? You mentioned the "fiasco" during Mass, so it appears that you both MAY believe in Christ, even though both of your actions indicate otherwise.

If the "answer" is that you both believe in Christ as your Lord and Savior, then THAT is where "things" need to begin with both of you. Since your wife is not here, we can begin with you, though. After all, you ARE the spiritual head of your household per God's command to believers.

What say you?


God bless.

Jim,

They do not work together but her job is within close proximity to the OM's residence. That gives me cause for concern. I suspect he may visit her on the job, or meet up there for lunch dates, after work, etc...

Thought exposing to her employer may further shake up the A but since they aren't working together directly, that may just be going too far. I'll avoid this action.

ForeverHers,

My faith had been relatively weak at the time of my incident. As were a lot of things (marriage included).

After coming out of the fog myself, I got into church heavy and it has strengthened me 10 fold. My situation has appeared beyond hopeless at times but my spirit is not daunted thanks to prayer and talking to God. Jesus Christ is my savior and I do have faith in God to save my marriage. Also strongly believe that MarriageBuilders is an instrument he is using to guide me along the path.

My wife told me recently that she was impressed by how strong my faith has been holding me together but confessed that she has become distant from him and does not feel close to God. Scary!

She needs to get out of the fog and fast.

Today I got a taste of her anger, due to my exposing of her ongoing affair.

Dropped off her favourite meal to her workplace incognito. Got a school girl to deliver it upstairs while I waited in the shadows for confirmation that it was recieved by my WW. Sure enough I got a text saying "thanks for the lunch, but don't ever do it again"

Later that day the OM called to threaten me once more, saying he would beat me up if ever I spoke to his spouse again. The audacity!

I told him, "Don't talk to my wife and I won't talk to yours"

Pretty much barked at each other for twenty minutes until he hung up. Probably a bit more pissed than before.

Not sure this went well but he did mention in the middle of the barking that he has been hanging up on my WW since the exposure. Some damage has already been done.

I tried calling my WW after the threats but she just hung up on me. Incidentally, found a great two bedroom apartment today. A more suitable abode for my family of four.

Texted my WW asking for any left over furniture since she took most of it from our old apartment, but got no reply.

Fog not lifted yet but her anger is at a peak. Could only get better, no?

Should I go for a broke and make a play for my two kids while she is dealing with this recent exposure of her ongoing affair? OR would that be pushing it too much.

I'm thinking getting the kids in with me at this new apartment and away from her may put the final nails in the coffin of her fog.

What do ye more experienced marriage builders say?

While you chew on that, here is another question for you guys.

Apart from the OM, my WW has a menace of a female friend that is still to this day leading her down a path of vice and loose living. Is there any advice on how to deal with that?

I tried befriending the she-devil but that has produced no fruit yet. Should I talk to her H? From what I understand, he is currently in an A himself so not sure if his fog will make him useless to me. She does get extremely angry at any mention of me communicating with him, as though there is something she fears about that.

Looking forward to responses on all of the above.

Wish me luck and those of you so inclined, say a prayer!

Well here is an update.

Found out today that WW has been using MSN Messenger to communicate with people (assuming OM included)

Something she never used before (was always a yahoo gal). Just the other day she mentioned that she still does not use
MSN. Probably a ploy to throw me off her trail.


On a recent visit to her office, I noticed the application installed on her work PC. Seeing that she does not have internet at home, this has to be the primary place she uses it from.

Would it now be worth my while to tell her employers and ask if they would allow me to install spy software on her PC? I doubt they would. More likely throw a "Freedom of Speech / Privacy" law book at me. Seeing as their work will probably be recorded by the software as well.


Also found out that at a recent party this saturday night, things got a bit ugly between her devil of a female friend and her husband. Some sort of confrontation. More trouble in paradise.

Good news, I got the apartment.

Bad news, I was told by her cousin that she is going to see a lawyer today.

My 9 year old kid saw the apartment and expressed interest in coming to live with me.

Think he may have told her about this too and she would not have liked that at all. Still smarting over the recent exposure and now faced with a kid that wants to go live with daddy.

I'm hoping the divorce does not come fast and furious.

Spoke to her a cousin about delaying the action by any means to give her time to cool down from the exposure.

Pray for me!

Tell her employers you have reason to suspect that she is using office property to carry on an affair, and you expect them to put an end to it.

but wouldn't she simply say that we are "separated" and as such I have no right to make such a claim?