new here. posting because my marriage is on the verge of collapse. we have been arguing about discipline for about 5 years now (DS just turned 7). H lets kid have control in the house. lets him talk back. child throws massive fits when he doesn't get his way. mom is the only one in the house who enforces discipline. mom is the bad cop. dad is the good cop. mom's relationship suffers with son because of this. mom & dad's relationship suffers because of this.

i have given hubby deadlines on when he has to change. deadlines have come and gone with no change or improvement. this time, it is until the end of the school year, then i will file papers for divorce.

i have made him read books on discipline. no results.

we are on our 3rd marriage counselor. my husband is very charming. he is a "nice guy." charmed 1st marriage counselor into believing things weren't that bad. 2nd counselor told him to take a parenting class. he simply DIDN'T DO IT. 3rd marriage counselor ... going a little better, but still no major changes or improvements. (we are supposed to watch a parenting video, since DH is so unmotivated to go to the class.)

my fear is that if we wait too long our son will be out of control. this worries me, especially into his pre-teen/teen years, which are probably coming faster than we think. last year in kindergarten, he was put at a table by himself because he could not control his talking. he is a sweet kid and very smart. however, he is a bit self-centered and thinks he can do whatever he wants.

i feel like i'm trying to swim against a tide. my husband and kid are going one way, and i am going the other. no matter what i do, i can't control or change the situation. husband constantly undermines my parenting. has gone behind my back and literally "undone" rules / consequences i had set for my son. (i.e., i took toys away, he gave them back).

these things are deal breakers to me.

we will discuss things ahead of time. "if this, then that." but when it comes time to doing it, husband flails, "forgets" what we talked about or just simply won't do it. he is passive. he has a problem with being a "bad guy." of course, he lies and says he doesn't ... but, all of his actions make it obvious that he is doing everything in his power to be the "good guy." says he has a problem with "riding" our son's you-know-what, so lets him talk to him in a rude and disrespectful tone of voice.

when we married, he promised to be the disciplinarian. well, now i am.

i hate the role that i have been forced into. i don't pride myself on being a disciplinarian. i only do it because it is the right thing to do. i don't think my demands are unreasonable or excessive, i.e., i want my kid to have respect for adults and not yell & scream & hit doors just because we tell him to brush his teeth.

i am at the end of my rope. i feel that my choice is to save my marriage or save my son. i fear that if i stay with my husband the way he is that it will only hurt my son in the future because he will grow up with no foundation for good behavior.

plus, it can't be good for him for me and my hubby to be in constant discord over this issue.

i'm here because i'm desperate. can anyone help?

How is the rest of your marriage?

Have you read "Between Parent and Child" by Eincott?

LA

no, but i have read

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

and

Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child : Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries

once, i would have said we had the "perfect" marriage. we were best friends and led happy lives. even after all of the hurt feelings, we are still attracted to each other. it wasn't until our son came along and got to the age that rules needed to be enforced that problems arose.

H treated the child as you would a baby - still pacifying at any cost to avoid the tears, screams, objections or tantrums, even though that just created more problems. H is a major conflict avoider in all situations. family. work. home. as a parent. he taught our son from a very early age that it's ok to throw a fit to get what you want.

my biggest concern is that the child is more in control in the house than the parent. child knows not to do certain things around me (i.e., talk back) or he will have a 5-minute time out. with dad, he may get away with it 4, 5 times before dad does anything, if he does anything at all.

H used to have a problem with not knowing how to talk to the child. he would let things go until they built up, then explode at him. which really bothered me, to say the least. this isn't so much of a problem anymore.

the discipline isn't consistent. dad and i will go into another room, have a private discussion on what needs to be done about a given situation, come to an agreement, and as soon as he walks out the door, he starts making up stuff as he goes along (rambling) and everything we decided on goes out the window. why bother reaching an agreement if it won't be followed?

he claimed his problem was anxiety. so, he began seeing a therapist. he was also put on an anti-depressant. it's been months now. i see a small improvement, but the same issues keep cropping up.

what the counselor said at our last visit really scared me. she said at some point our kid would grow up to be more physically dominant than me and that i would need H's support. i don't want to see my kid getting out of control later in life because his parents didn't do the right thing. she said we still have time to regain control, but i know it will be a blink of an eye before that tipping point comes.

i see this as the parents needing to be parented, not the kid. the kid is a good kid. he just has parents who don't follow through, don't speak clearly and aren't consistent. i know, the hallmarks of good discipline. i have been trying to teach - there's that word again - my husband about these concepts. he has read at least one book about it, but he doesn't follow through on the info.

i believe this issue alone has wreaked so much havoc on our marriage. it has spilled out into other areas, making other things suck pretty bad. so, to answer your question, the rest of my marriage is not ok. we are struggling with communication/intimacy/needs/respect/you name it.

I heard those were great, also.

Sounds like boundaries are in both scenarios...with your son and your husband.

And it does sound like your husband has passive-aggressive behaviors...have you read Mulan's signature links to The Boomerang Relationship?

Have to say again, like on your marital thread...this was me. Now my H no longer chooses to act passive-aggressively. I found it in myself and my children...already passed on through us. I stopped doing my P/A behaviors and called H on his...and he began owning his...all part of that growing, being safe to communicate with stuff I posted about on the other thread. All inter-related.

Your son experiences natural and logical consequences...natural separate from what you impose and your H bogarts. He's reacting to a lot of what you and your H are going through...he's 7. He isn't out of control...though the truth of being human is that he was, is and will remain out of your control for all of his life.

Your part is your relationship with your son...yes, the healthy way is to parent your child...both father and mother in agreement. You don't have that. You remain responsible for your relationship with your son. You said you are acting now from your fear of him being out of control in the future...is that reasonable? Do you often go into the future, which hasn't come to pass, and no one can know, changing your present because of it?

Could be part of the GIGO you're experiencing. Unreliable data gives conflicting results.

Are you experiencing your son listening to you, and you listening to him? Did that book help?

I don't believe humans can be forced into anything. You've chosen the role because of your belief it's the right thing to do. Remains your choice. A great choice. To not be a slave to your H's choice is always a great choice. You have to give him permission to be your master in order for that to happen.

Choice is irritatingly inviolate, isn't it?

When your H gave back the books...did he agree with them being taken away? Did you find out his stuff about his choice of action? Do you know his truth in the decision?

Was it immediately after you took them away or later? What time period?

All of it matters...I'm not picking you apart. I'm not judging your choices in discipline. I'm asking about your priorities...

Do you put your marriage first, children second, work third, FOO (family of origin) fourth...what's your priority list look like?

LA

Have you made this known to him? You're intent to divorce? I'm assuming no.

Walkaway Wife Syndrome

If this is you - do your husband a favor now, give him an injection of truth and make him fully grasp the severity of the situation.

"My intention is to divorce you becuase you refuse to change. I'm giving up on us .. on you. How does that make you feel?"

Your husband is taking your marriage for grant-it. He lives with a sense of security that he'll never lose you. Shake his foundations, rock his reality. He's not secure. He's losing you. Let him know that. I'll bet he won't be "ok" with that. I wasn't.