My H would love to get into a joint meeting with the man who was my OM.
It would get him close enough to kill him. I'm not sure if I'm exaggerating or not. I wouldn't chance it for my H sake though.

I would search my feelings very closely in your situation to see if you can stomach that. I suspect its going to be very hard.

I'm also not that sure its a great idea frankly. I don't doubt the good intentions involved just the experience of the counsellor with adultery, especially with an ongoing affair.

Perhaps the other experienced posters here know if this approach has ever worked, I can't recall where it has but I dont read a lot here these days. It may work where all parties are willing to walk away but that does not seem to be the case here right now with the OM & your WW.

You may wish to consider the Harleys for advice who specialise in the field or someone similar as well as your pastor.

I hope & pray the meeting works for you and your family.

I think I may have given you the wrong idea. The Senior Pastor and his wife will meet with me and my wife. The OM will not be in this meeting. Sorry if I wasn't clear.

Thanks floydr for making that clear, now that makes a lot more sense.

The advice you have been given on exposure is spot on. It works a lot of the time, however there are no guarrantees of course. I do feel you should keep in contact with the OM wife and have an ally in killing the affair. Pass info to each other on what the two WS's are doing, meeting, ringing etc.

You perhaps may wish to offer the OM's wife the web address for MB should she wish to seek her own advice as well.

Remember to read all you can here as advised also and the books recommended. Your plan needs to be solid and well thought out.
And I KNOW you can win because I was a WS once too.

Thank you all for advice and kind words. It means so much to hear from those who have walked a similar path. I seems that the hardest parts are the emotional roller coaster and wondering what will come from this meeting? I can picture an angry tirade from WW more than one of remorse. But that makes sense once someone's actions have been exposed by the light of day.

Yes, floydray, expect an angry tirade from your wife at some point. If not in front of the senior pastor and his wife, after you get alone.

The anger comes first. You are shattering her fantasy world. The cold light of day does harsh things to an affair. She is forced to see herself not as a woman with a secret love, but as a wife/mother who is betraying the man she promised to be faithful to and the family in which her children were raised.

Remorse will come later. It may come all at once or bit by bit.

Steel yourself for the anger. Don't feed it. Accept it. She may say things intending to hurt you -- comparing you to the OM, bringing up history she has re-written, etc. She will probably (as many on here will testify) regret those statements later and feel shame at having said them.

If I was Confuscious, I would say something like, "The reed that bends in the wind does not break."

Find yourself support from trustworthy Christian men. Solomon said something like, "The cord of three sticks is not easily broken."

Artor made some good points floydr.

also you may get comments like ïts "all over now", or "we can never get over this" (referring to you exposing not her actions <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) and similar comments. All fog talk so just agree with it and turn it back to her like 'No we may never forget' etc etc
it will be hurtful at times but remember it's all fog talk and some way down the track she wont remember it or will feel bad about what was said.
It may also go on for some time, no miracle cures I'm afraid.

I have had those comments already. Examples of fog talk for me have been, "too much has happened" "I've destroyed our trust, so it's too late" and the classoc "I love you but I'm not in love with you".

She'll get pissed as ****** at your for standing up and enforcing your boundaries, but it needs to be done. She obviously has no respect for you and walks all over you, so you should take back some of the control in the relationship. This was the turning point in my situation. I told her to leave the house, I was canceling her cell phone, car insurance, and health insurance, and I cut her off financially because she was planning on sponging off me until she could get a job in Boston. That caused her fantasy world to crumble.

Got all but the "I love you but I'm not in love with you."

I just got, "I hate you". My wife is either hot or cold -- no lukewarm for her! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Seriously, she may continue to vent for some time. Possibly she is insecure that she can continue to be married to you because she is coming face-to-face with the damage, lies and betrayal. She may not see how you could possibly love her again and would rather shield herself in the venom than open herself to the fact that you might still love her and WANT to be her husband.

Hold on tight.

Blessings to you.

She has told me many times that "she's sorry", although the last time she claimed she had broken it off with OM is that she didn't want to "destroy his family", but she stills wants to leave me. I think the reaction she could possibly get from our kids could devastate her and understandibly so. If that's what it takes to get her attention then that's how it is.

It will take at least several months of NC until she feels that she still wants to be with you, but the NC is necessary. If you can get NC in place, then there is a very strong chance for recovery even if it is a few months down the road.

Does your wife work with the OM? If so, the affair should be exposed there, too.

If not, how do they know one another?

They do work for the same company, so this complicates things. In her position she would have to do "business talk" with him almost daily. He also lives about a 10 minute drive from here. This is a small town, believe me when word gets ourt it will spread like wildfire.

Floyd, you realize one of them will have to leave, don't you? Only complete and total seperation will suffice. Otherwise, she will never withdraw from him and you will be dealing with an affair for years to come. If you want to save your marriage, you shouldn't settle for anything less than complete and absolute no contact EVER. Even if you have to move.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


Mimi wrote: Check this out from the How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS..one of my favorite pieces of reading material...

p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

I sure was confused earlier, thinking your pastor was going to have all four of you in a "meeting". Whew! Glad to hear I misunderstood!

Melody is correct, you will have to enforce NC between the affair partners for life. It's stunningly amazing how little it takes for affairs to re-kindle with even a brief contact.

Please read everything you can from this website and become as knowledgeable as you can about infidelity. It is important to know the dynamics of affairs to properly combat them.

Best wishes,
SD

You should skip this step only if you are perfectly willing to risk an on-again, off-again affair for years to come, because the chances are very great of that happening. [there are numerous examples on this forum]

That would be like expecting an alcoholic to sober up by sending him in the same bar every day and instead, calling his drinks "business drinks." That is cute and all, but will never result in sobriety.

If she doesn't end things and leave the company, you need to expose to the HR director and boss at their work. To save your marriage you need to kill the affair, and exposure is your greatest weapon against infidelity. Can you imagine how uncomfortable it would be in the office with all your coworkers looking down at you like you are wearing the scarlet letter. It ruins the fantasy of the affair.

I agree total NC is the absolute best chance for marital survival. Because in this season of life my wife is the main breadwinner. That has been one of her "reasons" for emotional distancing is that she had to be the main provider. I realize that is an important emotional need, but that doesn't justify affair. P.S. I have just been told that the OM's pastor is going to confront him within the next few days. This pastor just found out last night.

SUGGESTION: Dr. Harley is on the radio right now and you can call him and talk to him if you want. He is on there for another 2 hours until 1pm cst. Just click on the radio link at the top of this webpage or my thread at the top of the forum.


She wants to leave you because the affair has not ended and the affair has not ended because she will not withdraw from him as long as she goes to see him every day. It is impossible.

When will you be meeting with the OM's wife?