Well, unfortunately, if they are in the same company, and working together, there are probably pleanty of short, down time moments. I don't say that to make you MORE concerned, just explaining how it can and does happen. When they are in these highly stressful situations, and stuck together day after day, things can, and unfortunately do happen. What you need to do, since you can't be right there, is be constantly on his mind, so that if the time does present itself again, he chooses to just walk away, instead of giving in. So, I say to send at least 2 emails a day, just asking how he is doing. Make yourself a constant memory in his mind with out going overboard. Had you gone through the EN questionare with him when he was home? If so, fill as many of those as you can. I know that if SF is one of his top 5 that you can't fill that, but most of the others are ones that can be worked on or filled, even from such a great distance. Work on the ones you can, and save up for the other's for when he comes home in May(which by the way is also our return month so I'm right there with you!). It has been and can be done, so don't give up!

Hey Tigger...thank you...They don't work in the same building but they are on the same camp and work for the same contract company...but its a pretty big camp....about 20,000 people on it...But I do know that she is going to be back to work tomorrow and I am about to go crazy...I hate this...Like I said, I do not know if they have been in contact or not but something in my guts thinks they have...Like I said, I don't have access to his emails so I don't know for sure and I certainly don't want to ask him...Its all a control thing and I know that I cannot control what he does but it still makes me very uneasy...I guess his actions, these next few days, will speak volumes...he has been in contact w/ me almost everyday so it will be interesting to see how much he contacts me now since she is back...But I hate allowing him to have so much power...I hate it and I don't know how to take it back and use it to my advantage...How often do you get to talk to your H? Are you ever worried it may happen again?

Sorry I didn't get back to you yesterday. I had quite a busy afternoon. To answer your last 2 questions, I get to talk to my H maybe once or twice a week. It's hard, but when we were first M'd, we didn't even have email, and phone calls were usually only when they were in port. So, getting a phone call once or twice a week is great compared to that. Having email limited right now sucks, but I know it's just temporary, and he can get emails from me.

As for if I worry, well, it will always be there, but we have been able to rebuild our trust, so it's now just a faint worry, compared to how it was right after D-day. As others have said, and you have mentioned, you need to realize you can't control the situation from his side. You can only control your own actions and behaviors, and pray that he sticks to his promises. With each promise he keeps, or bad choice he avoids, your trust in him will grow. Unfortunately, for us military spouses, we kind of have to trust blindly when they are deployed. We can only take their word for it when they say they are being faithful. That is why the divorce rate is SO high amoung military marriages. When you place so much time appart, it doesn't help even the healthiest of marriages. The military is also one of the few jobs where infidelity is still frowned upon in a big way. BUT, if it's brought to light, it could hurt you, your H, the OW, and anyone else connected, in a way of either discharge, loosing rank, you name it. That is why I never said anything when my H confessed to me. Also, UNTIL you deal with it and NOT sweep it under the rug, it leaves the door wide open for repeat offences. Which is why there are 3 d-days listed for myself, and 2 for my H in my signature line. Until we were slapped in the face with the pregnancy, we kind of just blew it off. We didn't fix anything, just but a bandaid on the bullet wound, so to speak. Now, I don't think that what you are doing is sweeping it under the rug, since it's best to work on the M when you are both present. At this time, work on yourself, but keep your emails up with your H. Keep him thinking of you. You don't have to get mushy to do that, just be a constant with an email or two a day of, "Just thinking of you. Hope all is well. Love you. "Hoping" " You will become like one of those little cartoon angels on his shoulder keeping him on the right path.

Don't worry too much about the ow coming back to work today, and focus on what YOU can do to keep yourself a presence in his mind constantly. How about care packages? Is there anything special that he would like that wouldn't be all mushy, but would cause a constant reminder of you? Is there any specific perfume that he likes you to wear? Maybe get him a package of new undershirts, take them out of the package, and spray a light scent of that perfume, and then mail them to him. Nothing overt, just suttle hints of your presence.

And for yourself, read up on everything you can to work to save your M for when he gets home. Read up on Plan A, so you can fully impliment it when he arrives home. Maybe plan a night on the town with in the first few days of his homecoming. Don't go overboard, just maybe his favorite restaruant, maybe a movie after. Simple things like that. I know our homecoming is going to be crazy, but I might be able to work a night at a hotel that weekend with out our kids. Of course, that's also after almost 7 years of recovery under our belts. You will need to feel the waters before taking it to that level that soon, OR, it may be what he would like the most, so don't totally discount that idea either. Even with out kids, it's nice to be away from the house, where you don't have any worries or reminders and you can make some great memories.

So, have I helped still? I'm wracking my brain, trying to think of things for you to do now, and when he gets home. It's been SO long for us, both with the recovery and the last deployment he was on....Keep us updated.

Hey Tigger, yes you have been a great help....Well he has made no promises to me at all..not even before he left to go back....Its just very hard to let go....I asked him if he was still planning on coming home in May, for good, and he replied "more than likely"....well that leaves the door wide open...He is so wishy-washy and non-committal which I think is most of this problem....Its almost like I don't even want to ask him the question in fear of the answer or not getting the truth. So I guess I should just not ask !!!
And as far as "sweeping it under the rug", that is exactly what he wants to do. He wants to forget it ever happened b/c he is so ashamed and embarrassed. I told him that we have to work this out and figure out a way to never let it happen again. He is not interested in MC or IC which, I find, is a big red flag. I am in IC and working to get to know me and what I want to do w/ my life but he does not think he needs it. He wants the past to remain in the past. I call that denial.
He knows that I love him very much and he knows that he will never find anyone that is good to him like I have been.
I think he is just very afraid of commitment. He had a terrible childhood but he does not see that as having any reflection or affect on the way he is today. But his actions for the past 4 years have proved otherwise. I am still encouraging him to pursue his dream of being a cop but he is afraid of rejection. So I am not sure he will even go down that route. He is very good at his current job and he is well experienced at it, but he is so burned out from it. But I think he is afraid to pursue something else b/c this job is all he knows.
We talked today and we are still on the track of the financial plan we implemented before he left. So that is a good sign. I think that is the only thing he can commit to right now is finances. He shows me love and gives me love through material things. As much as I appreciate it, I would rather live in a cardboard box with him and be happy than have the money.

Tigger, I'm not trying to be argumentative, and I agree with what you said, but I feel the need to point out that this blind trust is a two way street. In my short career I've seen both deployed spouses and the spouse at home cheat. (The latter in my case). I have no idea what the statistics are on the whole, but in my experience the spouses at home are just as susceptible. I've seen 2 or 3 husbands cheat overseas, come home and are still in their marriages (don't know how strong). Of the three cases in which the wives at home were cheating that I have direct info about, 1 is divorced, 1 is close to divorce (me), and 1 marriage is still together but very shaky.


Tigger, I know you understand this but I wanted to point this out for all those who haven't been in a military marriage.

Just curious as to your exact point here in this last statement. Are you trying to paint a different picture? Can you help me understand why this bothered you so much?

Just curious as to your exact point here in this last statement. Are you trying to paint a different picture? Can you help me understand why this bothered you so much? [/quote]

Wow tigger, it appears I have touched a nerve, which WAS NOT my intention. The purpose of my last statement is what my last statement says....please don't try to read any 'hidden' messages in it.

I am not bothered by what you wrote, nor did i ever say so. For the second time, I AGREE with what you wrote. I am happy that you have had a succsesful recovery, and I hope all of on this site can achieve the same.

OK, NO ARGUING ON HERE....ENOUGH!!!!! THIS HELPS NOONE !!!! IF YOU WANT TO ARGUE, DO IT ON ANOTHER THREAD....

Hoping, that's why I haven't replied of late. That and I am not in the best of moods to offer solid advice right now, if you kwim. I am sorry that I started it by replying directly, and will obstain from anything further along those lines. I did, however, have this great reply all set up, and then the kids took over the computer and I lost it. I will sleep on it, and try to be better tomorrow. Know that I still feel for you, understand where you are right now, and pray that things begin to get better. How has your day been? Have you heard from your H today? Remember to keep youself on his mind by sending one or two emails just because. Again, I will try to be better tomorrow. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Ok, thanks tigger...and I understand about being in a mood...i have them a lot lately...well I hope you get some rest and feel better tomorrow...I appreciate all of your advice...it has been wonderful....

Hoping,

Reading your thread brings back so many memories. Some of the things I thought of to help take your mind off of what he is doing is there something you have always wanted to do but couldn't?

Do you have any rooms at your house that can use a paint job? Something totally different cause you can always repaint. Any type of craft you always wanted to take up. A sport to play? Dance lessons? Swimming lessons? What about taking meals to someone, helping at church, helping an older person. Schedule these at times that you have the most difficult times.

These are things you could do and they will help take your mind off of what he is doing. Then in conversations you can just slip it in that you did this or that or just leave some of them for when he gets back home. Is there anywhere you live that you have always wanted to go to but haven't? I know it's not the greatest fun going without them however this also lets them know that you aren't at home just thinking about them, that you also have a life.

It is hard to give up control. It took a broken promise and a realy hurtful email for me to finally relinquish that control. However once I was able to do it(and it was hard and I didn't give it all up at once) it really helped.

Thanks bjs....that is good advice..I thought about volunteering somewhere...I think that would help..I am slowly learning to give up control..its so hard but I am succeeding one day at a time....Thank you for your words of wisdom.

This really stood out to me yesterday, and was the topic of that really great post I was talking about <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Seriously though, it is was my topic was on. Have you heard of the book, "The 5 Love Languages"? I myself have not read it, but have heard many recommend it, especially in situations as these. To me, it sounds as if your H's love language is giving you gifts. MAYBE, you could work with him to cut down on the extravagance of the gift, and help him put more thought into simple ones. Since this is most likely his love language, when you, in his eyes, complain about him giving you too much, it's like you are rejecting his love. Also, the fact that he still wishes to impliment the financial plan that you guys had worked out tells me that he still sees his future with you. You are sounding much better. Keep up the good work. I know the frustration of these seperations, and if you let them, they can make your life he!!, but if you do other things to keep yourself busy, they just fly by. BUT, you also don't want to get too busy that you don't let your H know you still love and miss him. Changes don't happen overnight(in the majority of cases at least), so just keep to your plan, don't overload him with talk of your M right now, just keep yourself on his mind in a non-mushy(since you want to keep him on his toes) and non-threatening way and he won't have time to even look at OW!

Oh, and I'm much better in the mornings, so I feel pretty good right now. Must be that I got a good night sleep;)

Hoping,

How are you doing today? We finally have email, at least for the moment. I've been thinking of you and just wanted to let you know. Hopefully you are busy with YOU, keeping yourself busy. When you have the time, I'll be lurking.

OK, now I am P**ED !!!!! But I knew this was going to happen...I knew it...He is back to being distant, no emails, no phone calls, no im's, nothing...I know I can't control it but I am still angry and very hurt about it...

Hoping,

I know this coinicides with the OW coming back however things are changing in Iraq and maybe he is pretty stressed over it. Just a thought. Maybe also communications is being restricted. Just some things to think about. I know how easy it is to jump to the other thoughts also and especially when you are looking for them.

Pray about it and let it go until you know for sure what is going on. I know it is extremely hard to do however you can do it. Be the best you you can be. When he does contact you do the opposite of what you would do. Such as if in the past you would start asking him questions about her, or you would ask why he didn't contact you, change it and make him wonder what is going on with you. Support him, tell him you know it's stressful over there. Ask him what you can do to help him during these next couple months. See what happens when you change that around.

He could very well be with her, what can you do about that from here. Or he could very well have communications cut off at this moment or just be really stressed with what is to come. Hang in there. I know it is very hard.

OK guys..I thinked I screwed up...I unleased 2 months of hostility, anger, resentment, sadness, bitterness, etc etc. on my WH today on instant messaging...I ranted and raved, cussed, swore, accused, you name it and I probably did it...But he didn't argue back at me...he just let me vent and get it out....and then I was finshed...he asked me if I wanted to talk about it later to call him which I did and did not get an answer...But I really let him hold it...I cud not stop myself...It was like I had diarrhea of the mouth...it just kept on coming out...everything I was feeling, things I have wanted to say for months, things that I am resenting about him, so many things...I know that it was probably not the smarted thing to do and I should have taken it out on a punching bag, but I felt the very strong need that HE needed to hear what I was feeling, thinking, and how all this has affected me.

Try not to be too hard on yourself.

You're right, it's not the best way to do things, but I think it's a little bit common. I did it (I wasn't in recovery, I was trying to get to Plan B at the time). Mulan even has a name for it, calls it "Plan F-U".

So, not the best way to do things, but also not a death blow.

In fact ... it's pretty cool that your WH just took it and then was even willing to talk to you about it -- wow.

You'll be ok, this is recoverable.

-AmI.

oh pishaw....

sometimes they needs to have it with both barrels loaded...
dead on attack....
don't give it second of anxiety.

dust yourself off...
hold your head up high...
take a deep breath
and carry on

I don't regret it...I could have handled it in a better manner but I don't regret anything I said to him..It was stuff that I needed to get off my chest for 2 months now and I finally got to my breaking point. And I am not upset about doing it either. I actually feel much better now.