I am feeling much better, thank you. I was at a point where if I woke up with another headache, or a continuation of the original one, I was going to go in to the doctor. Luckily, it was all the way gone. Thank you for asking about me in your difficult times. Now, I am mostly going to comment on this:

Quote

The message I got from him was that I need to put our marriage on the "back burner" for right now and focus on me. And that makes me hurt b/c I feel like he is not a part of my life now. I feel like I have lost my best friend. I feel like I can't go to him and ask advice on something, or fun something by him, or tell him if I had a bad day, or tell him when something funny has happened. I just hurt.

Well, this is very much the WS language. This and his comment about forgiveness. I would say that you should share those funny, sad, frustrating things with him. You can even ask his advice. That in itself will keep you foremost in his mind and heart. He has admitted that he is basically overloaded at work, and many times, in situations like ours, they get to the compartmentalizing mode. In that mode, he can't do anything, at least that he can see, to help repair the damage to the M at this point in time, so it's to that back burner. I know it's hard, but if you think that you're able to save your M, keep up the good work. You don't have to over do it, but just know that most of the work between now and May is probably going to be on your shoulders. You can survive it, and if you are more together when he gets home, it might just be that much better, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, don't give up yet. You are a fighter, otherwise you would have given up weeks ago.

I know your pissed right now and don’t really know what to say to me, but I do want to thank you for the card. Im sorry that I didn’t get you anything, but honestly I didn’t know what to get with everything going on… I do want to wish you a Happy Anniversary..I will put some money in your account. Go and get a massage or something special..


ILU.

This is the email I got from him this morning.....ILU means (I love U)

Hoping:

I think that email is a good sign. You did tell him you didn't want anything and he took that literally. Men think differently than women. And they don't read minds very well. We women know what it means but guys don't. Not trying to make excuses for him. Men and women are different.

I also think he seems to be trying. Maybe not to the degree you want him to however small steps are better than no steps or steps backwards. Also please remember things are heating up over there and becoming increasingly stressful. Keep that in your mind when you don't hear from him. As hard as this is to do it isn't about us all the time. The guys are able to put us in a compartment and leave us there for a prolonged period of time. Especially when work is so stressful. If he wasn't working such long hours and wasn't in such a dangerous place I would say maybe look at this differently. However right now he is.

Also in his statements about you working on you, those are some of the same things that others here have told you to do. I think sometimes when we get married us women tend to lose who we are in the marriage. Maybe he when he talks about you being to dependent on him, maybe he is concerned about what would happen to you if something happened to him over there. Not trying to scare you but something to think about. He wants to know that you would be ok.

What do you think, when you and your h met attracted your h to you? What can you change about you that will make you attractive to him again? Work on yourself, work on your business, spend some time in finding exactly what you want to do. I know how you feel about wanting to work on your marriage, and how you want to do that now. However right now you don't have the luxury of having your h in country even to work on that. Leave your marriage in God's hands over the next couple months and work on you. Work on making yourself attractive to your h. It's hard because you may feel as I did that my marriage was more important to the point that I ignored other things that needed my attention at that time and that I had some control over.

It was not until I took the focus off of my marriage and pushing my fwh while he was gone that things began to change. It wasn't until three years after my fwh came back to the states that we truly began working on our marriage. Now I'm not saying it will take you guys that long and it is incredibly frustrating however there were things that I had to work on in me, and realize what I was bringing or not bringing to this marriage, that got us to the point that we could begin to work on the marriage together.

I think right now your h is trying to just stay alive. Keep praying for him, for you and for your marriage. Even if your h was involved with the OW at this point what can you do to change that????? Nothing, however you can make yourself incredibly attractive to your h by working on you and making you the best possible you that you can be. It's hard but you can do it.

So, how did it make you feel when you read his email? Let's start with that and go from there. He thanked you for the card that you got for him. He, in my opinion, apologized for not getting you anything and was honest about why he didn't get you anything. AND, in a very real way is getting you something by putting extra money in the account and suggesting you get a massage. He ends it with the shortened version of "I love you" and also wished you a happy anniversary again. To me, everything in his email is a positive. He acknowleged your anger and that he understands you don't know what to say to him right now, and then the rest I've already discussed. So, again, how did it make you feel?

OK, My WH just informed me that he was probably not going to come home until August....I am done. I cannot do this....I cannot do this anymore....He told me and his family May....I need some help....

We were on the phone and he told me that he was going to probably stay until August. I reminded him that he told me and his family May and he told us that many of times. He told me that he made a promise and commitment to this company. I told him that he made a promise and commitment to me 1st. And at 1st, yes, we did agree on August but the "terms of that agreement" were over as soon as he kissed another woman. He hung up on me.

I would wait, and continue to make changes. If you file for divorce today, you won't be divorced till August. So what would be the point?

Sorry to have a padded 2x4 for my first post to you...

Is it possible you've been looking for an excuse to pull the trigger and say, BANG! I'm done. You're not doing enough.??

Financial stress is very hard for men to deal with. So they tend to be beholden to their employers. When my husband was in the army, the equivalent of the corporate officers (commanding officer, etc.) sat us wives down and gave us the lay of the land - that they had claim on our husbands first, and we were to do all we could to get them to re-up.

Corporate armies are very similar - with the attitude that we could care less if you're having marital problems. You will stay thru to the end of your term of service.

You have 7 months to work on the transformation of yourself, and to be an inviting attractive MATURE alternative. Your reaction is none of the above! You've basically demonstrated that at the mention of a scheduling difficulty, his previous sins will be thrown in his face. Not a good response if you want him to regret divorcing you.

My question is in regards to the bolded area. Originally, he commited to being there until August, right? So, as Kayla said, his company is expecting him to be there until then, so he may be receiving pressure from his superiors to finish out his commitment. Right now he is torn between to commitments, and the original plan WAS till August. Yes, you have been the one to be working to save this M, but, to him, he sees it that he can't do anything out there with you here, so he figures to keep the original agreement/commitment and then come back. He could very easily have problems continuing work with this company if he seems to "back out" of his original commitment.

Don't completely flip out right now. Calm yourself down for the next time you get to talk. I would imagine, and this is me assuming here, that when you "reminded" him of the commitment to you, you probably weren't the calmest at that time. So, he reacted to your knee jerk reaction and hung up. Take some deep breaths, find out exactly what has prompted this "continuation" to August. Could it be that he never requested to leave in May, and when he finally got around to it, the company refused? There are many possibilities here, and until you know the right one, keep your reactions in check.

I know this is hard. I don't envy you at all, but I also know you can get through this. Before the situation with the OW, there was no problem with him staying until August. So, you need to remember that agreement between the both of you as well, and that his company is counting on him for that amount of time. I wish I could help you with how to Plan A with him half way around the world. All I can say is to temper your reactions and find out the full truth before you do anything drastic. It may be something that's out of your H's hands. There aren't too many companies and even military some times who "cater" to the BS who is left behind. Unfortunately, that's the way the world is headed, so do what you can from here.

I hope this doesn't seem like I'm not supporting you now. I still hope we can help you save your M, BUT, it does seem like you let yourself have a knee jerk reaction, and so, your H went on total defense mode, and hung up, effectively blocking any further questions you could have asked. Get those ducks in a row before you "confront" and remember, the best way to keep him from becoming defensive is to be calm no matter what his answers are, and keep as far away from it being a confrontation as possible.

Hey all..thank you for responding...I appreciate it...Ok, yes, when he took this supervisor's position last Sept., he and I BOTH agreed that he would stay until Sept. of this year. Well then he had this EA with OW. And I feel like "all bets are off" b/c of what happened. Now, when he came home for R and R this past December, he told his parents and me that he "would probably" come home in May b/c he was tired of being there and ready to come home and go back to school. Now he tells me he is staying until end of August b/c his company's contract will be over then and 2/3 of the employees will be leaving from over there. So he wants to "see it to the end". He wants to fullfil his commitment to them. He wants to fulfill his promise to them. He wants to make some more money so he can come home and go back to school so we don't have to scrape to live. But what about his commitment to me when we married? What about his promises to me (forsaking all others) when he said those vows to me? This job is his #1 priority. Not our marriage. I know its only 3 more months than we had originally agreed upon and its not really only that, its the fact that he cannot keep his word when he tells me something. I cannot trust anything that comes out of his mouth. I cannot trust him period b/c of what happened. I feel like it is a slap in the face AGAIN. The reason he hung up on me was b/c I LB'd bigtime w/ snide remarks about the OW and him having an EA. I apologized to him for that. I just feel like he has put me thru so much and has hurt me so many times in the past (broke up w/ me twice before married, we get married and then he leaves 6 weeks after, then he takes a new position and extends his stay for 6 months, then he has an EA, then he does nothing to try to rebuild our M, and then he says he is staying longer). How much more can I take? How much more crap is he going to put me thru? How do I know that he won't come home in 7 months and then hurt me again? He is depleting just about every ounce of love I have for him. I feel spent. I feel so drained. I feel knocked down.

You want him to come home and put you back together...

He can't do that.

You are strong enough to do this. You feel drained and knocked down. But there is strength in you to do this. Focus on you. Not him, not the marriage. YOU. You become a better person. More faithful. This marriage breakdown is not "today". It's in the past. What do you have to deal with "today"? Building your spiritual reservoirs? Building your faith in God and you - that you can handle life on life's terms?

Exercise. Eat healthy. Drink plenty of water. And sleep. Get some melatonin if you have to. Send a bill payment in the mail if it's due. Make a list of what has to be done, TODAY. And do only that. Think about only that.

Then journal on where you can improve as a person. Pick up a good book on that specific thing. If nothing comes to mind, I recommend a thorough exploration of "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz.

Work on just that one thing as you begin the day tomorrow. Make your check list of tasks. Send a "forgiveness" note to your husband. Stop trying to make him pay for his sin. He can NEVER pay enough to do that. But Someone Else already has. So you need to be still. Get to know that Someone Else (Jesus). And receive the healing that His Suffering created for you to receive so that you can be whole from this wound your husband caused. And by doing that, you can begin the healing process for your husband too.

Only then can your marriage be restored to something much better than you could ever imagine.

Emotionally, I really think I am done. I have very little, I mean very little, love feelings left for him. I am emotionally spent. I don't think I am in love w/ him anymore...is this normal? And should I take this as a sign?

Ok, I'm going to comment on most of your questions, but want to point out something here first. The two things I have bolded seem to contradict each other. First, you say that you both agreed that he would stay till Sept, then you say that he's staying 3 months longer than originally agreed. His company had a promise from him, and if you want proof that most companies don't really care about A, whether they be EA or PA, check out devistated1's thread. His W had an A with a co-worker, and they really don't care, other than keeping their good name. So, even if you went to your H's bosses, they would probably hold him to his agreement. Yes, he broke his promises to you, yes, it's going to be hard to even trust him again, but they can FIRE him if he doesn't complete his commitment to them. Being fired for something like that stays with you a LONG time.

Yes, in a M it is supposed to be 2 people working together, but in situations when something like this happens, and you are seperated by so many miles, well, it seems like it's only you working on the M. I see little things here and there like...."He wants to fulfill his promise to them. He wants to make some more money so he can come home and go back to school so we don't have to scrape to live." Where in that is he NOT working on your M. He is wanting to better himself so you don't have to feel so cramped for money. He is trying to support you in the best way HE knows how, and that's financially.

And this....." What about his promises to me (forsaking all others) when he said those vows to me?" Didn't he apologize for having broken that promise? He may not have a choice in the matter of staying over there, especially if there were papers signed saying he would be over there till the end of Aug, beginning of Sept. Yes, I know he signed papers for your M as well, and you can make him "suffer" as he would if he broke a contract with his employers, and that's through divorce. I really don't think you want to go that route, since you are still here asking for help and advice. I know we only see/hear a fraction of what you are going through, but from what I've been able to read, you are expecting things to be better NOW, and that NEVER happens! Even in cases like mine where I was so ready to allow my H to walk away with the kids and everything, I was VERY repentant ON D-day, and it wasn't just because the A was exposed. We still had MAJOR stuff to deal with, and MAJOR trust issues to get through. Then, add to that the P, well, I can tell you that even after our little Abbi was born, I still didn't know how long our M would last. We are now nearing the 7th "anniversary" of D-day, and we are still having to work each day on our M, but that's what a M is all about. Your H is stuck over in Iraq, and he has NO idea what to do to help you feel better, he's probably stuck between a rock and a hard place with his job. He's apologized for the EA, not getting you anything for your anniversary, he's working to better himself, and you are only seeing the negative, LB'ing about the OW, and then, in mho, blaming him for things he may or may not be doing.

I know it's not easy to trust again. It takes hard work on both sides. But, if you don't want to work anymore, than just give up. If you take a look at you signature line, you've barely been in Plan A for a month. In a "normal" situation, they usually recommend Plan A for around 6 months before you think of Plan B or D. You haven't given this the time it needs. Add to that the fact that your H is in Iraq and you are stuck at home, it just makes it that much more difficult. I still think you can make it. You've had a rough week, but it didn't kill you. PLEASE, don't do anything drastic now. Look again at some of your other posts. Like the phone/email conversation about your anniversary, and his apology for no gift and stuff. Look again at the fact that he still talks about "we" for future plans. I really don't think that he is giving up, but he also doesn't know what else to do at this time.

Again, have you filled out the EN together? If he hasn't, do you think he would? If you sit back and wait for him to "fix" everything, you will wait forever! Men have a tendancy to fix things by either putting them on the back burner, or sweeping them under the rug. BUT, you also can't continually bring up his EA if he's stopped it, sincerely apologized for it, and is trying to make it better for you. Just like you can't do it all by yourself, neither can he. He probably feels just as frustrated as you do, but he doesn't have a place like this to come to to get help.

Take a breather on asking about when he's coming home. Continue to work on YOURSELF, which is something you CAN do alone. If you need a release of anger, DON'T attack him. Take up kick boxing, or buy a pillow just to punch and scream into. BUT, when emailing/talking to him, you need to be loving. Stop the LBing. He has apologized, if you have forgiven him, that means you no longer have the right to throw it in his face. No, you won't ever forget, but forgiveness means you give up the right to bring it up again and again. If you do, you never did forgive him for it in the first place.

I know this seems rough, but it's for your own good. I don't think you should give up. I think you need to regroup and start again. Keep up with Plan A and give it time to work. It's not an easy road, but it is passable. You just need to have the equipment, and I still think that the EN questionare is a great starting point. HE needs to know your's and you need to know his.

Hey...I'm a friend of hoping68. I have tried to keep up with this thread, and I speak with her almost daily. We go waaaayyy back.

Hoping...have you mentioned here what Steve Harley told you about your H coming home/not coming home?

Also, I know that hoping is ultimately responsible for her own healing from this nightmare, but shouldn't her H be a part of that. He should apologize and that's it.

Shouldn't she be able to talk with him about his EA and what it has done to her? Shouldn't he comfort her? Shouldn't she expect him to work at this as much as she is?

I believe, and hoping correct me if I'm wrong here, these are the questions that keep her awake at night.

Someone mentioned that she expects him to come home and fix her...I don't think that is it. She is here at MB. She is the one reading the books. She is the one in IC. She is the one facing past demons. She doesn't expect him to fix it, but she certainly wants him to at least put some effort into helping her fix this...their marriage.

She honestly feels she is doing all the work here, and I have to agree, while her H wants her to just drop it and accept what he wants, and, oh yeah, fix the problems he has with her.

Shouldn't they be in this together? Because right now, she doesn't feel that way at all.

Steve Harley told me, after I explained the entire situtation to him about a month ago, that if my WH does not come home, then he is not marriage material. He told me that my WH needs to come home and come home now. He also told me that he advises couples, repeatedly, that if there is any possible way for one not to go overseas, then do not do it. He told me that he could not count how many marriages he sees break up b/c of one/other being overseas and have an A. He says that "over there" is a breeding ground for infidelity. He told me that if my H is unwilling to come home, contract or no contract, then I need to rethink this marriage and really look at the distinct possibility that my H is not marriage material. Especially given my H's history w/ us and his past relationships. I am not sure why I did not provide this info earlier and I apologize. But I think it is in my old thread under LoveGod...lemme see if I can find it and I will quote it
here...
hey *****...I got on the radio today and spoke w/ Joyce and Dr. Harley...he strongly advised that my H come home asap for this marriage to even work. I explained about the contract ending in March and he said it was crucial for him to be home and us be together in order for our marriage to survive. So, I guess my question is, how do I present that to my H so it doesn't come out and sound like an ultimatum?

This was back in December......

Ruby Doo has a point ya'll....

Well, it's definitely different when you've already gotten that advice from Dr. Harley, and if the contract is up in March, that's a far cry from the other posts about Sept. I can only advise from what I'm given, AND, I don't now, and never have claimed to be a professional in this field. I have, however, dealt with MANY months of seperation due to the military, and was sharing my experiences from that angle. I am sorry if I seemed too rough, but from what I was reading, I felt that you could still deal with it. If you truly feel you can't do any more, then go forward with your plans of D. As I've said before, I can only offer advice from my own experiences and from what info I've been given. If I was off target, I'm sorry. I hope for the best for you, and still think that you could save this M.

Tigger, I see your point and everything you have said as well...But what Dr. H said and the theme that is presented here at MB seems contradictory. Does that make any sense? And I appreciate your brutal honesty too. It is not too rough...it makes me see another side of things or brings to light things that I have not thought about. So, please do not censor on my behalf. I need to know and hear these things...as confused as I am, I still need to hear them. I truly do feel that I need to work on me. I feel that I need to put this M on the "back burner" and work on me,which I am doing, day by day. I guess I am just confused b/c of what Dr. H said and what the MB's concept here on this site is.

Question for you. What is your H's obligation to his company as it stands right now?

If he is ABLE to leave right now and doesn't want to, then I agree with Dr. Harley's statement that your H isn't marriage material. BUT, if he's contracted to the end of Aug, and was before he came home in Dec, I'm not comfortable with saying to heck with my job, I'm breaking my contract and going home. Of course, your H may be afraid to come home and face the music, so to speak. And, when I say to not constantly bring it up, I'm not saying to not talk about it at all, but when that's all that you talk about(not saying that's what you are doing) a WS tends to shut down, especially one who is so far away from you physically. If it's something already addressed, let it simmer for a while before bringing it back up. If he is truly sorry, he is feeling very guilty right now, and has no idea how to make it better.

As for why he's wanting to stay out there, I hate to speculate that there is still stuff going on, but I don't know what else, unless he is under contract. I understand the frustration of the broken contract with you, I was a BS before I was a WS. But, he could be more worried about breaking the work contract right now, since that's the way he supports you at this time. He could be worried that he might loose his job if he comes home earlier than his contract states.

It's times like these that I should probably keep my mouth shut/fingers still, but I just think that you need to look into what his obligation is at this time. See what that is, and then go from there. If he is free to come home in March, then I would ask him about it again. BECAUSE, if that is the case, there is NOTHING holding him there, and he should come home if he is willing and wants to save your M. I did try to go back and read all your other posts under your other screen name, and have a bit better understanding as well. From what I understand, you were M'd last year, and 6 weeks later, he shipped out with the DOD contract, right? Then, he extended that 6 months, and now, he's talking Sept? I'm just as confused as you are, so correct me if my timeline is wrong. To me, your M has not even had a chance to be a M from the beginning. So, IMHO, he doesn't know how to act like a H because he probably doesn't feel like one, if you kwim.

I hope I've helped. I'm trying to wrap my mind around it all so I can maybe help you a little better.

yes Tigger, your timeline is exactly correct....what you read is right...for tax purposes, he HAS to stay until the end of March (or he will be penalized 20,000..but Dr. H said that money is not worth the M)...but morally and ethically, he feels he needs to stay until end of Aug. b/c he obigated himself to this position. He really cannot come home until May b/c of our financial sitch...so he is asking for 3 more months (til Aug.) to pocket some extra $ so he can go to school...and you are right, he does not know how to be a H...he even said that himself...he does not know what it takes to make a M work....he knows that...we both know that our M has not even had a chance b/c he left 6 weeks after we got married....he has repeatedly said to me that he has been a sh***y H for the past few months...the bottom line is, IMHO, is that I cannot trust what he says..I cannot believe what he tells me...I do not have faith that he is going to come home in Aug. eventhough he says he can guarantee me that he will...the is the problem here is trusting him to keep his word.