Hello all, Im a long time lurker, first time poster...
wh started out as classic midlife crisis (bought a brand new truck we couldnt afford) and ended up as a wh with his best friend's new wife's twin.

Pretty much classic case, they all work together. I have known for sure since October, (he broke up with me on our 15th wedding anniversary in Sept like some idiot high school boy), said all the classics ...marriage has been a sham for past 14 yrs....blah blah blah... I had the "spidey sense" it was on going for at least 2 months before then though.

I just didnt actually have real proof... so I finally pulled a pretty good bluff last night, He bought it but of course adamantly denies it blah blah blah....

I also called ow, she pretended i had wrong number, but at least she knows i have the "stones" to do it.

wh insisted he couldnt possibly be having an affair with her becase she is still married...I do know for a fact they are not. I offered to call owh and ask and he quickly changed his tune to ...well, they are separated blah blah blah....
I do intend to get his address and let him know about sitch, because for some reason they dont want him to know...
(the fact that owh is a HUGE big dumb neandertal probably has nothing to do with it..>)

ow is petite (im not) and 8 yrs younger than me, that is the only major self confidence problem im having at present, but i do know she is a ho and im not! I know that wh deep down has always admired my high standard of ethics and character and that is way more important.

Im no slouch,or mud fence either, just not petite, I have lost 20 lbs on this new wonderful infidelity diet, hope i can get lots more off with out the side effects...I was big when he married me though.

I have basically been in plan A since I found this board in Oct. I instintivly knew not to whine,beg or bawl in front of him, so avoided LB's for the most part...began fixing some stuff and I feel like I have done a fairly good job of it.

Does my plan A time count if I hadnt told him I knew of affair before then? Wh did accidentally admit he knew that everyone where he worked knew about A. I asked him why they would all think something was going on if it wasnt...
he said he just didnt know...(LOL) (That part was also a bluff)
I also gave him a short discovery letter,that included ideas
I got off this fantastic site... basically ...know all about it with ow, please dont insult me by lying,...was sorry for my share in of neglect that resulted in A, but in no way accept responcibility of his choosing A...told him it hurt much worse than watching my mother die a slow pain filled death etc... ended up telling him i was willing, and already had been making changes in my life, and thought the M could be saved, and that it was my intention to do so etc...
I gave him the letter and asked him to read it, which he appeared to do, and has hopefully taken it to work with him to show ow... least ways i didnt find it in any of the trash cans...lol.

I told wh that he should probably move in with ow... (knowing full well he doesnt intend to becase she has 4 boys)... told him he needs to move out so he can live the swingin single life he is sneaking around to do anyway.
(he has been cutting out of work to cheat w/her and go gambling etc...) i know probably goes againt sage advice here, but needed to see his reaction. there is much much more to the story, but you get the gist...

I believe that God has been doing alot of internal work on wh, I have waited a long time to expose becase of no proof
and the fact that God wanted me to wait. (hardest thing Ive ever had to do btw). I am letting the cards lay for now
going to give him some time to internalize it all, meanwhile I continue with plan A and work on limited exposer details.

wh's parents are both dead, bil wouldnt be any help, so I guess that leaves his best friend...the one that has been assisting them to commit adultry. All my family and friends know, so I get good support. Most of all God is really holding me up through all this, and Im trying to learn the things HE is teaching me.

I feel pretty good about me finally telling him I knew about
A, even though he lied like a rug... I will probably have to have my tounge sewed back on as I really had to bite it not to LB!!! I am also getting good at the reverse babble thing... Thanks so much all you folks for sharing your wisdom and experience...IT HAS BEEN A LIFE SAVER TO ME!! (and many many others im sure)

Im sure things are going to get harder for awhile now,but I think Im prepared...I feel good and empowered finally.
(I also know by now, that everytime I think something is going well, it usually bites me in the glutes though!)
I hate roller coasters. lol.

I guess my question at this point is.... what kinds of things should I expect outta wh now? more lies and what else? I think he is/was just sort of peeking out of fog occasionally before I exposed...hope this wont drive him further back into it...

oh yeah before anyone asks... I did get spyware stuff installed on puter, but he knows how to get around it somehow...cant afford a phone thing or anything else for that matter, sort of cant afford spy gas anymore either, affair action takes place about 30-50 miles away...besides i think i know all i need to at present. also cell phone is a pay as you go type, and he deletes it...did manage to get phone #s from it though... Thanks again for your help, will appreciate your input!

this was an error on your part ("proof" or lack thereof notwithstanding)

so correct that error now

instead of asking WH to move out
I suggest you ramp UP your Plan A (which by all means INCLUDES wide-spread exposure)

keep up the WH-EN Love-bank Plan A filling for a few weeks (4-6) ... as you simultaneously prepare for Plan B (dark as you can possibly get)

Plan B is MORE than getting WH out of your home
it is a sudden and shocking "live your life without me" wake up call

Plan A some more (exposure big time as you are an excellent wife)

then ... when you have all prepared

Plan B like a stealth warrior

the differences between a well-planned BS and a no-plan WH are astounding ...

but there is very little difference between a no-plan WS and a no-plan BS <~~~ both are emotionally driven

use this forum to formulate your plan

and
~welcome~

Pep

Welcome to MB. Let's see, I would be sure to talk to the OW's husband.

I like your idea of telling him to move in with her and her boys. But that's not suggested on the MB program.

The next thing I would do is secure your finances so they don't blow all of your money.

Also I would mention birth control, so OW doesn't present him with a child. But he will probably ignore that one.

thanks for the responses ... I am doing as good of a plan A as he will let me... (after all in his mind we are not a couple anymore after he "broke up" with me in Sept.)
Basically the only ones I am able to work on at this point are domestic support, and I mannage to get a little admiration sometimes. A week ago he got mad when I made sure his work clothes were all clean and laid out for him, and he asked me "why are you doing all this stuff?" I told him that I was trying to fix some of the things I had messed up on the past years...he grumbled "laundry wasnt ever a problem" to which I replied.. I know, but it's the one of the few things he would LET me try to fix... no responce as per usual. I think I can keep quasi-happy plan A up for a while longer.. The rest of exposure is going to take a little more time until I can get addresses etc... But it is still upward and onward... I would love to tell him to use birth control but since he insists that there is no A , he would take it as a LB... besides, after birthing 4 more neandertals, I suspect she is done with childbearing... of course I dont know... I brought the thing up with him moving in with her to see if he given the matter much though..apparently he has and doesnt want to go there except for recreation! lol as far as securing finances,there arent any...lol, I do have a plan to hide some "sellable assets" in case of emergency,until an legally binding order can be written up. He is paying the bills ...he has to live here after all...I am formualating a B plan, but this one takes alot of consideration as I dont make much $ and have a 4 yr old son to think of. The ow and her neandertal clan are classic jerry springer types, they have moved 5 times in 3 yrs, and all of her utilities are now in her BIL's name because she/they owe all the companys money...etc.. That is also why her H is hard to track down...I do know where he works, just have to find out which shift and have someone slip him a note about A and to contact me please etc... Im sure ow and best friend are hearing all about exposure today at work.
I plan on beefing it up any and everyway possible...I have a friend that has a friend that works there and I think he will help spread the word at work... I also plan to stop by HR office and see if they have a policy on inappropriate relationships...doubt it..but will try anyway, and of course when I identify the wh and op, its sure to spread like a wind blown wildfire... sucks to be them!!! but better them than me for a change! thanks again all. SAS

get a GPS system on his vehicle

have you read the GPS thread?

I'll bump it up

Pep

Wow, am I impressed with you. You sure are one brave lady. I think Pep has found a future success story in you.

Your writing shows a lot of common sense and self respect as well as wit. I'll be following your thread.

Make sure that when you expose to WH's HR department that you EXPECT them to do something about it. Don't threaten them, but leave them with the impression that if they don't do something about it, you will. Even if there is no company policy and that cannot take action, they will at the very least let your WH and OW know that there behavior is inappropriate and they disprove of it. Make sure the word gets around the workplace as well. The affair isn't as fun when you have dozens of judging eyes looking down on you. Some people I would expose to are OW's twin and parents. You never know how that might help. Protect yourself financially and make it as financially difficult for him to continue the affair as possible. Don't love bust, try and meet his ENs, and get yourself ready for plan B. I would give it at least a month after you expose to let things calm down before you go into plan B.

thanks again for the replies... pep i would love to have a gps, but right now, if it takes $ I cant do it... (besides, at this point I would rather spend the money on a well needed massage ;o) I think most of the folks at work that know them know about the A... he accidentally let that slip when I told him...by the way, everyone at work knows about your affair with ow (bluff on my part)... he said "yeah, I know" lol. I will still do follow up with HR dept though. the ow's twin is HELPING with affair, her husband is too, its wh best friend at work... isnt that cozy... They will be getting a letter from me next week. I dont want to mail it from my town so will have to mail it from theirs. The twins parents are also "Jerry Springer" material, I dont think they are even married any more, I think there is like 11 springer-like childeren in their family anyway... but will try to check into it. In the mean time Im gonna concentrate on (EX?) husband... for some reason they dont want him to find out...hmmmmmm wonder why? I left the call to ow on wh's cell phone, so he knows I called her from his phone...that is probably the only reason she answered in the first place...Im sure he got an earful at work today too. I will send her letter out same day I send it to her sister and BIL, that way they can compare notes lol... thanks again all SAS.

Hi sas!

Many attorneys will give a free consultation on a first visit. Check around and see if you can find one who will do that. Find out what your rights are and what you could expect in the event of a divorce. With 15 years of marriage and a child, you might find that you could put yourself in not so bad a situation - while he would suffer great financial strain. You don't want a divorce, but knowledge is power.

-AD

Thank-you AD and others... I will check into that too.
he has erased all contact info off his phone now, so at least I know he knows, that I know...(LOL)

Are there any FWH's out there that can give me some tips on
helping blow off the fog?

I just see the pain in his face, even when he is lying or justifying things, its sad to watch.

Then the next minute Im fantasizing about hitting him in the back of the head with a frying pan! lol.

I realize that is what plan B is only in a more metaphorical sense....

WH is at war with himself...gotta admit I kind of get a sick pleasure out of that... I figure if you act low down and dirty you outta feel that way too. IMHO...

Im tired this morning and guess I needed to mini-rant,wh looked a pics of boobs last night instead of taking attentive care of ds, whom has been running a fever...grrrr.
then took off to go hunting this morning without telling me how long he was going to be gone etc...also didnt take cel phone so I could contact him in case of problems here...
but then again he will be at his best friends/ow's house to
"Hunt" today... but is taking his other long time friend that is home on leave from iraq, so maybe that will keep it platonic today...hope so.
I wont try to expose to the friend on leave, as he has had many A's (active army duty) and dont feel it would do much good, and maybe make it worse. I dont think WH will tell him about the A though, as he knows friend has big
mouth... and wouldnt want everyone in friends family to know. I will expose to them last of all... I will just refer to them as the "Adams Family" (jerry springer aint got nothin on them!)

Does anyone know where to get that article : 30 reasons to end an affair, that I read about here at mb? would like to get that, sorry I cant remember where I even read about it now...would like to get a copy and send it to wh secret email account. ....;o) Thanks and HAPPY NEW YEAR TO US ALL!!!

Ask lousygolfer to post on your thread. He is very good at conveying what is in a WH's mind.

Sasquashed,

How about 31 reasons? You do know it is intended for the WS, not the BS?

Here's the link:

This is the site that has the 31 reasons e-book

BT

thx B2, yeah I know its for dumbbutt, thought I would email it to his "secret" email account...;o) Thanks for posting the addy for me, I had to sign up for their newsletter to get it, but that seems ok ....i used my other email addy so he can snoop it there too if he wants...(yeah he snoops my email account...but i dont mind, unlike him i gave him my password the day i got account 2 yrs ago... and I DONT COMMIT ADULTRY!) if the article is really good I might print it and leave a copy for OW also..lol.

spent the morning looking for OWH's addy.... gonna have to keep looking...white trash are basically nomads it seems...

jm, thanks for posting for me too...I have read alot of your posts to others and seem to agree with you most of the time...lol great minds and all...

I do hope I get responces from FWH's though, somehow it seems to give small glimpses into what may be going on in that whacked out head... i guess info is important to me.

I did a smallish LB, as wh was "hunting" at ow's today...
wish I felt bad about it...lol.

Also, is it normal or at least semi-normal to worry that BS's will wig out and do a "LIZZIE BORDEN"? I am not overly concerned, but when he does stupid things, It does enter my mind and I hope I dont "loose it" sometimes.
Its not a pattern of mine or anything, I guess I just allow myself to fantasize about whacking him in the head too much.
LOL. I do realize that anger is one of the stages of grief too... I imagine that is the real root of those kinds of thoughts....

I really appreciate your input folks! Thanks so much!
PS. yeah ive been on AD's for 2 months now, and they do help! LOL.

I have another idea.. what if i let him accidentally snoop a copy of Dr Hartleys infidelity article? the one about how A's start and how they should end? I will edit it to suit sitch... but at least it MIGHT be a start for him to understand what he is doing... whaddya think about that all?
I think it may make some small kind of impact eventually, and give him an inkling about how he should own up to his A. with me.... (there is no plan A-B stuff on it mostly just facts, and talks about NC alot)
feed back would be appreciated! thanks, SAS

It wouldn't hurt things. WSs tend to dismiss anything that doesn't validate their current world view, so I doubt he would actually read it.

here is the letter I plan on sending to OW next week:

OW, Im writing to ask you to stop seeing my husband. I
Love him with all my heart, and it is my intention to stay married to him and keep our family together. The few times I met you I liked you. You seemed like a decent person. I think you probably still are at some level, and again I'm asking you to stop committing adultry with my husband. The hole in your heart isnt going to be filled by wrecking
someone else's marriage and ruining my child's life. I have known WH for over 30 years and been married to him for 15, I am going to do everything I can to keep our marriage together. Please do the right thing and end this as soon as possible. SAS.
PS. Many of the people you work with know about your affair too.

here is the one I'm going to send to OW's twin and her husband (WH best friend at work,who has been assisting affair)

WH's friend and OW's twin, I am writing to ask you to please refrain from assisting WH and OW with their adultrous affair. No matter what you have heard about me, I love WH with all my heart, and am dedicated to preserving our marriage and family intact. Please realize you dont know everything about WH either. All you know is what you have been told.
I have known WH for over 30 years, and been married to him for 15 of those those. WH friend, I was upset when your first marriage was having problems, and I prayed for you often at that time. I was hoping that you would at least do me the courtesy of NOT HELPING them to continue to commit adultry in my marriage. Thank you , SAS. PS. many people where you work know about it, and also of your involvement, just thought you should know.


waddya think? the buddy would often call wh first in case I answered the phone, then hand it to OW so she could talk to WH...and lots more things like that... not to mention that OW lives a mile from them in their rental house in country...so in all the spy trips I made out there, I think they helped wh to hide his vehicle and served as look out for him as well... its pathetic really.
but this is the kind of crap i have been up against...that is why I felt it necessary to send them a letter too.
SAS

I wouldn't send the letter to the OW. Actually, she doesn't care about your marriage and family.

I know, just wanted to sort of reinforce the fact that she is scum, and other's at work know about it... and also that I am not timid and going to allow all the sneaking crap without a fight. I dont plan any further contact with her at all though. I also wanted them to know that I have a sound mind, no matter what kind of crapola WH has told them about me. They are all afraid of me,(or at least feeling a little guilt) otherwise there wouldnt be all the sneaking, (jmho) currently the best friend wont even call the house, has been calling wh cell, he is worried about me knowing....earlier when friend called, wh took the phone into another room and was whispering to him, I LBed in a loud voice.."so what are you sneaking and talking about now?" wh said "we are not sneaking anything"
and afterwards I said... its pretty pathetic when 2 grown men have to whisper to each other over a phone...wh said "its pretty pathetic when you have to listen in conversations" I said "yeah it is" (i love reverse babble)
and since I called OW -friend hasnt had the stones to call here on the house phone... but then wh has been out at their house "hunting" for past 2 days, so Im sure they are all talking.
Im kind of stalling on mailing the letters until I can contact her ex? husband...would like to do the tsunami thing, send them all scrambling at once. Mass confusion in their ranks etc...

I did want to point out that even though wh is hanging out with all this scum, white trash, H wasnt like that, he wasnt raised like that either... I didnt marry white trash, he has just de-volved into what he is now the wh...
if I wansnt involved, it would make a fascinating study...lol. thanks for the continued input B. SAS.

SAS,
According to you, your objective in sending the letter is to In other words, you have two objectives:
1. Shame her -- hopefully to the extent that she will feel so ashamed she will quit the affair of her own volition.
2. Inform her that you are actively trying to save your marriage -- in case WH has led her to believe otherwise.

Would you say that is correct?

curious... I doubt that her or any other woman that commits adultry has any shame..I just wanted to subtly remind her that I think she is scum...lol I doubt she gives a rat's what I think of her. I dont care either, mostly I want her to know Im not gonna sit around and wait to see what the outcome is going to be...I'm participating!! lol. At this point, I dont care what wh has lead her to belive...she will soon find out the truth! ;o) (all involved will as a matter of fact.) Timing is everything sometimes... its part of that ART OF WAR thing... I let them all think I was ignorant, or an inbicile for the past few months, and now Im gathering for battle...lol. This week I will lay low again and play stupid to lull them into thinking Im finninished making trouble, next week (or asap) is tsunami time!. This week they will have time to be worried for awhile, then by next week they will think I have whimped out..then hopefully if things fall into place, they will all have a shock to deal with. (fingers crossed) This is my plan, but I do know that the best laid plans get messed up sometimes... hope this one goes smoothly...

I guess the answer to your question is... sort of on #1 and yes on #2...thanks for your reply. SAS.