Just put a call out to him.

He is very good and has helped a lot. Not too many FWH around, mostly FWW, but there are a few.

sasquatched, I would contact the OW personally and try to have a chat with her. My H's affair ended the very day I did this because our conversation had revealed that my H was lying to her. Your H may be feeding OW with all sorts of crap to get her to drop her panties. Let her know that your H completely denies her existance and has every intention of staying with you.

Pursue her husband vigorously and expose to him just before you speak to her, if possible.

I would also personally visit the HR department at their workplace and inform them of the affair. Ask them what they intend on doing about it.

You are right on about doing all this exposure at the SAME TIME. Doing it at the SAME TIME will give you the maximum impact. Affairees can quickly recover from a little exposure here and there, but it is MUCH HARDER to control multiple leaks in the dam.

thanks Mel, that is my intention...just gotta get ahold of ex?husband.... and I did contact her...she just lied..go figure..lol. wouldnt even tell me her name said it was wrong number then it was her "Mother's" phone..lol ... I dont want to go to her house personally, Im not sure I trust myself that much, and I dont want to do ANYTHING that can and will be used against me in a court of law...lol. I intend to go to HR dept in person, really doubt they can help (otherwise half their personel would be gone) its a huge shipping company btw... but I know that when I tell them the names of the 2 guilty partys that gossip and human nature will take over!! basically waiting for wh to go to work so I can continue stealth recon on owh...cant find him, I know where he works..(same place) just not what shift.... he is #1 on my exposure list, only because they both seem so worried about him knowing...then HR and other friend from work that goes gambling with wh et.al. funny note..that gambling friend just got back from duty in iraq, and I sometimes chatted with him on online poker while he was there, I would ask wh if he wanted to chat with friend, and WH would say "no, his wife is cheating on him and I dont want him to ask me about it" This was a yr ago...
Im trying to decide wether to tell this guy about that or not when I expose wh and ow... it will make a point that they knew about his wife's A and dont think enough about him to tell him... and it may really mess him up...i dont know what to do... if i told him, he would surely be mad at wh and ow...have to think on that sitch... any ideas? I dont have ANY facts/details about friend's wifes A though.. just what WH told me a year ago....
you know, it's just not supposed to be ****** on earth is it...doesnt seem to be getting better from where I sit...
thanks again Mel! I would love to hear what input LG has.
SAS.

bump for LG to read

SasQ:

Well, your call out worked.

So lets get started. Mel has pointed out some excellent advice about exposure. Do it in an organized, swift manner.

"Huge Shipping Company?" They have an HR policy. You need Brits/Brat to tell you the ramifications in large firms about violations of this policy. especially if there is a Boss/Subordinate relationship.

What are your Husband's Emotional Needs?

What do you think they are, and how do your think he would answer them?

For what ever reason this skanky, Jerry Springer, blond neandrethal woman has attracted his attention over you. AND she has a nice trailer and 4 kids to boot. So what do you think he wants?

You cleaned his uniform and laid it out. He commented "why did you do that?" Because you never did it before. And I can only guess, because he obviously didn't stop his A, that you will not do it again. That is what Plan A is all about. Doing things for the WH that makes he think how much better home is over S,JS,B,N OW.

The uniform got him to stop and think. Now you have to get him to do the same thing about the things he KNOWS need to change. But we do not know what those are yet.

BTW, Keep WH away from MB. He's not ready yet. And it can make your job more difficult.

My A lasted 4.5 years. And like Pep's WH, it didn't survive past Dday. When your H is unconcerned about who else knows about his activity, the process is harder. And you have to do most of the work. Be sure you want to do it.

Thanks M2L for the page, and thanks LG for your post...
btw ow aint blonde..at least not the last time I looked at her...lol dark hair w/matching moustache...;o)

wh doesnt work for shipping company...i messed up...lets just say works for major distribution center. wh knows I visit here, but I pretend to hide it, he hasnt checked it out as far as I know...(that would show interest on his part)
Im guessing biggest EN's are sf and admiration..
he wont let me do much of that, I admire him when I am able, but he really doesnt do much of anything to give me reason...
as far as sf...we are basically roomates since he "broke up" with me on our 15th anniversary. I do try to touch him whenever possible, but try to make it seem like its not planned, so he wont draw away..

I now always get his clothes cleaned and layed out for him as well as get up at 5 am and make his lunch for him... so those types of changes have been fairly permanant.

I havent LB'ed very much at all since October, when I found this site. When I told him that I knew, there was some minor LBing, but that was to be expected with all the lies being lobbed my way...

I think alot of the fantasy has to do with his best buddy at work getting remarried a yr ago, and having what appears to wh as the "perfect life". Since wh wasnt born into money and land etc... I guess he figures the next best thing is to copy what he can obtain... the twin of buddie's wife, and access to all the buddy has...imho. somthing like that.

mostly I just think wh is in a bad mid-life crises and just feels entitled. As I have read along here at mb, I have come to realise that wh has most likely been depressed for the past 7 yrs or so...but he has always acted so tough, and wouldnt let me know his feelings, so I didnt give it much thought. I was there for him and still am if he ever wanted to share feelings etc.. but he wouldnt ever share them, after awhile, I guess I just gave up trying... etc... it does sicken me that he may be sharing his "insides" with her though.. sigh...

The thought occurs to me that if there was any way to prove it... I would bet much money that wh has never taken a dump in a place where she is! lol... I would double or nothin that he has never passed gas near her either!!
but he is so in love with her he will leave all he has...now that is whacked thinkin!!!

Thanks again all, today I am fighting anger...lol.
but its a sign that Im progressing through grief so its not all bad I guess. SAS.

I asked wh if he had let his friend (the one home on leave from iraq...from the adam's family) read the discovery letter I gave him...(I found it in his truck) He said yeah, I asked him why he showed it to him since it was private between he and I, he glared at me, so I proceded to ask him if friend was offended since I used Adam's family as reference to his behavior...(LOL), he said, no friend didnt get mad but they both had a good laugh over it since there is nothing going on and Im just being paranoid... so I asked him again about ow's phone number being programed into his phone, twice now, and he started running like a rat, again exclaiming that he doesnt know how those numbers got into his phone, it must have happend when it was in his pocket etc... barf... I think tomorrow I will do a face to face with friend and ask him if he was offended by my letter to spouse, just to see what his reaction will be...
maybe he was shown it as a joke, or maybe he was shown it as a confidant, or as a fellow member of the cheater's of america club... or maybe he didnt show it to him at all, and wh took it to work to show OW and her BIL... hope I find out... If wh did show it to friend and lied about it I will set him straight as to infidelity FACTS...and ask for his support...I know that aint gonna happen, but at least he will want to stay the heck out of it..but probably not until he blabs it to his entire family first... he will tell wife, she will tell in law's...in law's will tell...
ALL OF NORTH AMERICA!!!! but either way I think I need to ask about it...just to try to do some spin control...otherwise, I guess I will go straight to the top and tell the heads of the adams family and let them start blabbing immediately, that way they will get my side of story...geez this just keeps gettting crappier all the time... any ideas? SAS

today was one of those.."I cant take this crap any more,I think i outta just file for D and get over it,so sick of the lying crap, man I wish I could sleep better,maybe I should double my meds,I want to kick him in the crotch,it's never gonna get better,what the he11 is he thinking,I wish I was an alchoholic,If I won the lottery I could hire someone to straighten this mess out or at least kick his a$$,I wish he had that new truck of his shoved where the son doesnt shine,I hope I dont gain this weight back,I am so pi$$y right now I cant even pray, Please God dont let go of me,I wish there were cookies left" kind of day. ever have one of those? LOL. upon further review, it does sound kinda hormonal doesnt it...sigh...
I did remember finally that satan will usually attack hard and heavy before a blessing will take place, in order for you to be too messed up to receive it... I hope that is what it going on... I'll let ya know.. SAS.

I talked to adams family friend, he said wh showed him the letter as what a paranoid idiot i was and denied anything was going on to friend too...I gave friend facts, and hope that he will try to help as much as he can from iraq... not holding my breath...besides he is a member of the former? cheaters of the month club as well... I tried to appeal to his care and concern for wh as a messed up human being.... this will only make it better or worse... time will tell.
The adam's family loves conflict!! they thrive on it.. not sure I have a good feeling about this or not...sigh... oh well, it's done now... onward and upward...
Please give me some input folks... Im kinda doubting my own sanity now... wh still insisting Im crazy and he has never been involved with ow....sigh.... sas.

Weekends are slow SAS here so hopefully some of the really expereinced BS will come on later or tomorrow for you

Being from the other side of this crap, I can say with 100% certainty that if it looks like a skunk, acts like a skunk and smells like a skunk, guess what ? it probably is a skunk

I feel if there was nothing to hide your H would say 'here this is her name & number and her H works at ,,, go find out yourself crazy woman' etc etc. Yes he may be angry but he would not be so evasive either.

You are not crazy. My H is also a soldier and after being deployed a few times his behaviour has changed, good & bad, and I could easily see how he could come to feel entitled. Its crap of course as there are no excuses, but unfortunately he wouldn't be Robinson Crusoe.

Plan A Plan A Plan A <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

That is my thinkin on the O&H thing AW... if IM sooo wrong then why not prove it to me.... he cant that's why...
btw... wh is not currently in the service, just a few of his friends are... my wh's behavior changed mostly due to midlife crisis and the fact he needs mental health..lol.
AW, can you think of anything is particular that helped you?
thanks I really do appreciate your time. sas.

to be honest SAS I'm not sure anything would have got me back at that particular time. There is a lot of truth in the statements made here that affairs need to just run their course. A good Plan A seems to begin some slow recovery but it takes some time. And while there is contact with the OW or OM then there is NO chance in my opinion.Plan A has no chance to even begin really.

What sort of evidence do you have? remember its not court evidence but what decides it in your mind theres an affair going on. And it appears to me that if there has been no physical sex between the two then so many WS refuse to believe that there ever was or is an affair. Of course we know thats rubbish. Emotional commitment to another Man or woman toher than your wife, mum etc is cheating.

to be honest AW, I dont have any real proof, just tons and tons of red flag stuff...and minute admittance. that is why I have been bluffing him... mostly just catching him in an abundance of lies... and tons of sneaking stuff...
he lied to me about ow being married 4 times, until I offered to call her H (I dont have his number though) and ask him if they were still married, then he finally backed off and said OK, they are separated...I KNOW they are divorced! Also the look in his eyes when I said her name...he didnt think I knew who it was up until that point. When I told him casually that everyone at work knew about their A, he said.."I know"
I think at this point wh, ow, and her bil, are all stitting around at breaktime trying to figure out just where I might have seen them together etc...those are the only questions he asks me... "how did you see us and I didnt see you" kind of crap... I told him I was sitting in a ditch half mile away with the binoculars etc...

I would also think that if there was NOTHING going on that ow would call me and tell me she didnt appreciate her good name getting dragged through the mud etc...(I KNOW I WOULD!!)

I have decided to clam up for awhile now, and concentrate on plan A for a while, until I can chat with owxh...

I think that there was PA early on, as wh wouldnt even hug me and if I tried to touch him he would jerk away like it was totally inappropriate (like he was cheating on ow!)
not to mention all the meticulous grooming and new expensive hidden cologne... and a few times when he was supposed to be "hunting" and I went to the places he hunts and he wasnt there, I would annonymously call his cell, and I could hear papers rustling in the back ground..he was supposed to be in a tree! Then he would according to his cell phone record first call the BIL,(the lookout) then call our house, then call my cell, and then get another call to my cell telling me that he was home..when clearly he was on his cell driving..I also had friends check to see if he was home and he wasnt type of deal... tons and tons of crapola that doesnt add up. also he never wore his hunting clothes when he left the house, also shaved and cologned up, and I checked his hunting clothes and they were never touched, I had them folded a certain way... etc etc...also had inadvertantly packed my nephew's hunting pants instead...he didnt catch that until the second or 3rd time he went "HUNTING"... my guess they sprang for a hotel some place... cause her car was always at her bil's house and wh's truck was no where to be seen....just my guess...also it could be that bil, was hiding wh's truck and they were at her house a mile away the whole time...dont know... hope to. SAS.

decided I need to look into the voice activated recorder thing....does anyone know about these things? do they make noise when they click off and on? I will have to put it next to the computer behind curtains, (for phone recording) and dont want wh to find it... are they pretty pricey? cant afford much unfortunately... gotta do something though, I finally figured out their system... wh waits until I leave, calls ow, she doesnt answer so it wont show up on my phone bill, then ow calls wh back on our land line.
I figured it out cause I got home early yesterday and he jumped up and cleared caller id. on the other phone...

anyone have experience with these things? thanks, SAS.

The digital ones do not make any noise at all.



The sound of the computer might keep it on, just something to think about.



Depends on which brand/model you go with.



A suggestion: Call your telephone company and see if they offer something like "selective call rejection" on the landline service. The feature might be part of your package already. If it is, you can add the OW's number to the blocked number list for your landline. That should put a spoke in their activities.

thanks MIM! guess I better start lookin around, probably can get one in the city... will it record room noises even if its hooked to phone line? cause wh usually has tv blaring and the ds4 makes lots of noise too... I want to get the phone convo's and maybe later plant it in wh's truck.... thx again, SAS.

You can get a good recorder from RadioShack. It plugs into an unused phone jack - you can have it hidden behind furniture - and will record everything that is said on the land line.

Thanks B that's what I wanted to hear...the digital one that doesnt make noise? the only phone jack I can use is near puter, and I cant have it clicking on and off making noise.... it will be hid behind furniture and or curtains... I need to get shopping...thx again. SAS

Hey Believer... are you a fly lady? Im trying to adopt their house cleaning philosophy... the 5 minutes per room does help doesnt it? that was one of my shortcomings the domestic support thing...yuk... would rather bale hay than put the clean dishes away...lol. been working on it very hard, still difficult for me, that and the the anti-tidy ds4 messing everything up as soon as I get it clean.. oh well, I keep plugging away, and it is still way better than it was! I feel good about my improvements and that counts for alot I think.

PS. if there are any other gal's /or guys that are interested in some ideas to help with cleaning/organization of the home... go to fly lady . com... it helps. SAS.

Dear Diary, and anyone else who wants to read...

Tonight we went to wh's cousin's wife's funeral...
I am reminded again how much I love wh's family, after 15 yrs I consider them my own, even if we dont get together much.
I am hoping that wh is really considering the difference between his real family and the adams family (the funeral we went to last week) Wh was born into a good and decent family, yet is acting like white trash scum... I hope he can get the difference on a spiritual,mental, and even cellular level.

Wh's uncle told me tonight that he didnt think WH and his brother would ever ammount to anything since their father died when they were so young...
and that he was proud of they way wh turned out and was convinced it was all due to wh marrying me! I wanted to cry and tell him that the first assumption is usually the correct one....sigh... Uncle told wh that too... there was absolutly NO reaction in his eyes... dead fish-like.
That gutted me.
I dont really want to expose to wh dear family, they are elderly, and have recently just lost 2 beloved family members... perhaps I will expose to the youngest aunt and uncle when the time comes, and let them decide whether to tell the others or not... This really stinks.

Im praying it was a seed planted though...
one that will take deep root and begin to germinate very soon.... I know that wh knows that he could never take ow to family affairs and feel comfortable or perhaps even welcome at all.....

which leads me to another chain of thought... I dont think wh really wants ow, just wants A and excitement that goes with it... I think wh doesnt wants responcibility of any sort... What do you think?

After he "Broke up" with me I found his notes to himself, and he was planning on getting a 2 br house, and a list of stuff needed...for 2 people... I thought for him and ds4
OW has 4 boys!! so to me that means he was wanting a bachelor pad suitable for cake eating.

(wh would have to get 2 more jobs to afford a house at this point ;o)

I have been letting him have his fantasy of being able to afford stuff for himself if he D's me... want that part to be a surprise too.... well ds4 just got up so wil post this lemme know what you think all. SAS.