M - 37
W - 31
S - 3
Married 6 years
Affair discovered 8/06
Separated 10/06

Looking for some general advice...input...wisdom. Here is my situation: Basically I am dealing with a walk away wife...said she fell out of love ILYBNILWY...said she was bored the past 2 years that is why she started the affair. Felt she did everything around the house and with our child...she was a stay at home mom and did not get enough adult interaction. We did not have any severe problems...though our life was probably a little boring...changed when we had our child...could not go out as much etc... Like most...I immediately made the situation worse...begging...pleading...falling apart...eventually through the help a different message forum I gathered some strength...got my life back on track...ended up making some ultimatums...either me or him or move out... She eventually chose to move out...or really she basically made no choice so I kicked her out. She says she does not want a divorce...just wants to be on her own for awhile..."wants to be 21 again"...says eventually she thinks she wants to come back maybe...very much a cake eater...gives me enough to try and keep me on the side waiting for her.

I currently have custody of my son...she sees him every other weekend...her choice...her current lifestyle is made much more difficult if she has fulltime responsibility of a child. I am more than happy to keep our son. She currently goes out drinking a few times a week...having problems with her OM because she is still on the prowl for other new men and likes to flirt. She is very beautiful and it is like she is just realizing it...and craves for the attention of men..."makes her feel alive".

I am going to counseling weekly which has helped. The W and I still get along pretty well...do not fight...want to be good parents. I know I support her too much...I gave her ~6 months living expense to move out...felt I had little choice as we are well off financially...she has since gotten a decent job and can take care of herself. Right now I am coping with starting a new life...being a single father and just deciding what I want to do. I would like another chance with her...I still love her...she still feeds me stuff like she is not sure what she wants and still loves me and does not want a divorce and I guess this keeps me holding out hope. But...I have also been considering divorce as I want custody of my son and while the W talks a good game her actions are opposite...she still sees OM...goes out drinking all of the time...flirts with other men...has a new group of friends.

Anyone have any advice on how I should react to this situation? Right now I feel like I am enabling her behavior and she has the best of both worlds. Anyone know what my chances of getting custody of my son if I file for divorce? (BTW...I am not sure if she would fight me or not? she will not talk about it since she does not want divorce...not worried about the future...just about today)... She is not facing any negative consequences of her decisions. I feel like I should just start over and file for divorce. My next step is to talk to a lawyer and see what I can do now to improve my chances of keeping custody.

That is the most important thing to me is my son...it is the main reason I have been so accomodating to her so she is happy with our parenting arrangement and lets me keep him. Ultimately though I need either some closure or some real work on our marriage. Another thing I fear is right now she is very confused and out of control...eventually she may calm down and I do not want her to decide she now wants our son. At this point she does not want half of everything...she feels guilty for what she is doing and does not feel like she earned anything we have since she did not work. So I think it is probably best just to file and divorce while she still feels this way. I guess divorce does not have to mean the end.

I am leaving out a lot of details...but if anyone has specific questions please post away. I really appreciate anything anyone has to say...pull no punches...

You are enabling her, and that HAS to stop. I don't care how well financially you are doing, you can't let her spend M money to enable an A. You need to step up and define some boundaries for your marriage and enforce them. She is living in a fantasy world and you need to send her a heavy dose of reality. The first thing you need to do is EXPOSE her behavior to anyone who would be in a position to put pressure on her to end the A. That includes her family, friends, church, employer (if this is a workplace affair), OM's family and friends - anyone who she would feel uncomfortable with them knowing. This will kill the fantasy. Secondly, you need to protect your finances and your interests and consult with a lawyer. This way, your finances and custody of your child will be protected in the event that she does leave. You said it yourself that she doesn't want a divorce, so stand up for your marriage, and don't allow her to continue this lifestyle. Read up on plan A, and get ready for plan B should it come to that. I seems to me that she is deep in the fog and it will take a good plan B to shake her out. Plan A sets up plan B, and with a LSA in place with full custody of your child, NC with you whatsoever, will shake her from her cake-eating ways.

Welcome to MB. Sorry you have to be here, but it's the best place under the circumstances.

First - your WW has no reason at all to stop what she is doing. She is living the life of a partying teenager while you foot the bills and serve as babysitter. She needs a dose of reality FAST.

If you want your marriage, the worst thing to do was separate. You can't work on a marriage when you're not there. But since she's already moved out, your best bet is probably to see a lawyer about getting a legal separation. You must protect your finances and you MUST stop paying her bills. Not one penny of your money should go to finance your wife's single-girl lifestyle.

The legal sep attorney can also advise you on some sort of child care arrangement. Right now she is using you as a full-time babysitter while she goes out on her dates. That needs to STOP.

After you do that, read up on Plan A and try that for a while, even if she isn't in the home. You have little to lose. After a short Plan A it will almost certainly be time for Plan B.

Hang in there and keep posting. Do NOT file for divorce unless you are sure you want one. You have other options yet.
Mulan

Ditto everything Mulan and Jim said. And I wouldn't even stay in Plan A for more than 2-3 weeks, because you have already demonstrated your best side. Stop enabling her, cut off the money, go to a cut throat attorney and get a very favorable legal seperation and go right in to Plan B.

Plan B will save your life by allowing you to detach from her enough to make sane, sound decisions based on good judgement. It will give you a peace of mind you haven't had in months.

I hardly ever say this ... but I'm saying it now

I think you should file for D

your WW has it all right now
a family man willing to take care of her child
while she is living the single life

file for a D

she will either wake up
and beg for another chance (if that is the case ... immediately call Harleys and get counseling from THEM)

if she does not beg for you to reconsider ... then you are secure in keeping your son safe from her irresponsible lifestyle

sorry ... that's my 0.02cents

Pep

I agree with this very much and I wager if you called Dr. Harley tomorrow morning on his radio show he would tell you the exact same thing. This is going to take much more than your run of the mill Plans to resolve. This has become a way of life for her, rather than an affair, that only some SERIOUS consequences will resolve. I think her way of life is selfish and destructive and it will take much to wake her up, while protecting you and your boy from her destruction.

I would also ask in the papers that your son not be exposed to her affair partners, if possible.

Thanks for the advice. I feel like I have already been in Plan A for awhile...probably mid September to November when we separated. I do not think there is any way plan A will pull her out of her fog. I agree I have made mistakes being too nice and too accommodating. I figure my plan now is: one more calm talk with her...make it clear as to what I want...I understand her etc...ask her to stop the affair...and then go right to plan B and break off contact with her. I understand separating was not the best thing to save our marriage but I felt I had no choice...I could not live with her under the same roof while she went out and lived her single life...it was simply too hard. I did everything I could to stop the affair before moving her out...she refused to make a choice.

I feel like I have a lot to think about...I am afraid plan B may bring a backlash from her and I do not want her using our son in the conflict. I will talk to a lawyer first. I have a lot to think about...while the best scenario would be to have my marriage back I am not willing to risk losing custody of my son.

*edit* Reading the last two replys recommending divorce...this is the scenario I was headed before posting on here and kind of confirms what I was thinking. This is probably the only way she feels any consequences to her actions. She now has a decent job so no longer needs financial support...there is little I can do to stop her or make her feel consequences except making things final. It seems like the right time while she is confused, guilty, fully in fantasyland...if I wait or if go to plan B this could wake her up. Waking her up could be her coming back to me or more likely it could be that she wakes up and realizes what she is losing and wants to fight me on things. I think I may be better off just ending things while it is possible to end things quickly and without conflict. A divorce does not necessarily rule out her coming back or us working on a relationship but it does protect me and my son.

Anyway...first thing I know I need to do is talk with a lawyer.

She will not react kindly to having to face consequences after being able to run roughshod over you all this time so I think your instincts are right. Visit a lawyer FIRST and get a custody agreement in place NOW. Ironically, I think you are at a place where only the most SERIOUS consequences will save your marriage, if that is even possible.

She will not LIKE losing control of you and will REACT strongly. MOST DO. So, I think you are right to get your legal ducks in a row, cut off the money and THEN go completely DARK in plan B.

She won't like having to lose you as an ENABLER of her destructive lifestyle.

SRT

You have some excellent advice here. You also have your priorities in order, you and your son and then WW. I agree that legally do everything to secure custody of your son first and foremost and then implement the necessary plans to give M and WW a chance.

I for one would leave a note on the table saying that you and the children will be gone this weekend to some place fun and entertaining and that you can be reached at XXXXXXXX. Also, invite her to join you if she so desires. Document this with a copy to your lawyer and file.

p.s. you have a HUGE LEGAL ADVANTAGE here in that a) she abandoned you and your son and b) is in an affair c) does not want to be bothered with raising a 3 yr old because it interferes with her partying lifestyle

Find a good bulldog type lawyer who is willing to do what you want and protect your best interests. She has abondoned the family and would most likely lose custody to you (and that would mean she would have to pay child support). I wouldn't go with a D, but rather a legal separation, so she knows that you still want to save the M. I agree that a completely DARK plan B would likely snap her out of her fog. Get the legal part straightened out beforehand though, so you are ready to go quickly.

[color:"red"] EGG ZAK LEE [/color]

you are a very smart man

Pep

You're enabling.

Cease funding of the shennanigans asap.
Cut off all funding.
Expose to anything and everyone that has any kind of pull/influence with this person.
Make your boundries known to her.
Let her know your intentions.
Get legal advice asap.
Don't LoveBust.

She's moved out so it may be difficult to meet her EN's ..but nonetheless, boundries must be enforced.

Playtime is over. This is reality. An unstable emotional state on your part will ensure improper execution of your plan. Make sure you address that. Clear your mind and get centered. Get a grip.

She's out on a limb. You're reaching for her with your left hand and you're son is grasped tight in the right hand. You've got to keep climbing. She may fall. She chose to venture out. It was her choice. If you continue reaching for her ..instead of grasping the trunk..you're going to fall also.

Keep climbing friend.

Agree 100%. And unless she demonstrates huge changes in her behavior, you are free to move on. After you get your legal ducks in a row, ie: custody, financial support, etc, I would suggest you cut off all contact ala Plan B, though. [we will help you do this]

Plan B will greatly ENHANCE your mental outlook and allow you better decision making abilities if you are removed from her drama. It will also remove you as her fall back guy when her sleazy lifestyle gets scary.

You can typically expect a WS to want to be "your friend" "for the children" of course, through all this. Actually what that means is please be nice and civil to me while I destroy you. I would let her know you are not interested in being her "friend." That is nothing more than another enabling PLOY to keep you on the plantation.

It sounds to me like you have the right idea about this, though, and are on the right track.

you might say

"This is not my idea of marriage. This is not tollerable. I am going to make a change. Do you have any questions?"


know what.... instead of asking her to "stop your affair" say "WW, you want to live free from our marriage vows, I am giving you what you want."


well, you will need to plan that part out very completely


[b]she DID make a choice ... it was not to be in the marriage... STRESS that this IS a result of her choice...

Pep

I have heard this EXACTLY. You are completely correct that it is her attempt to keep me in the fold...to keep me in her support system. She still does rely on me for certain types of support. Her new friends are all pretty much losers, broke, have other issues, drunks, etc...she still comes to me for advice. Just the other day she was saying she gets vacation from her new job in May and was looking for me to go on vacation with her...of course this is after she found out her OM was too broke to even think about a vacation. Wants me to go visit her parents (who live 4 hours away) with her. Etc...etc...I am her family man and safe harbor while she goes out on her path of destruction.

Glad I posted on here, it just confirmed a lot of what I needed to hear. I am going to get a lawyer and proceed down the legal path and then I can put some other plans in motion.

I feel like I am a very good man...was a good husband...a good father...a very good provider...it is hard to play hardball with someone you care about and love but I do realize that this is very necessary and noone deserves to be treated like the way she has treated me and not expect there to be consequences. Time to upset the apple cart...

OK, might have missed it...


But where are you at on exposure?

Do her REAL friends know? Her family? Yours? OM's?

Good point. I would wait a few weeks after exposure before going into plan B. Give her a few weeks to cool off after exposure and realize that you still want to be married before you drop another bomb (plan B). Don't protect her from the consequences of her actions. Anyone and everyone should know.

Most people know about the affair...she has distanced herself from many of her old friends...her new friends were part of the problem and all know. Her family is only her parents and they are clueless not only to the situation but pretty much to life in general and are distant...only see them a couple times a year...she was probably closest with my family and they all know. I have not really messed with the OM other than writing an email to let him know I think he is a *****. He is a violent person so I do not want to mess with him too much...I really do not think she is long for him...I hear through the grapevine they are already having problems. The problem is she is definitely not looking for a relationship...wants to play the field...seems to be enamored from lots of attention from lots of guys...kind of helps her forget her problems. This is already a problem with OM.

I am going to:
#1 Speak to a lawyer...specifically regarding custody...find out my options...probably proceed with either a LS or D.
#2 After #1 talk to her...tell her I want a divorce...tell her why...convince her to make it quick and painless. Not necessarily the end...etc etc...hoping she will be willing to share a lawyer.
#3 After D or LS write up a plan B letter...not that I think it will do much good but more for me at this point so I can separate myself from the situation and move on with my life...she no longer deserves my support.

I am unsettled on some things after the divorce...I guess I am still kind of waiting to see her reactions and how the D goes. I do want my son to know his mother and if we do not have a lot of conflict between us I think it will be easier in the future. I guess I am still undecided on whether I even want to take her back or work on trying to get her back. While I love her and part of me wants her back...part of me is definitely scared and doubtful we could ever get back on track even if we both try...I am willing to put in the effort but I doubt her and she would really need to convince me she was serious. If I see no hope I might choose to remain friendly but less supportive just so we do not fight about our child.

I feel I have a lot going for me...good job, home, good guy...the idea of seeing what else is out there is not a horrible thought...the idea of starting over sounds like a lot of work but then also starting fresh can get rid of some of this baggage and give me a fresh start does not sound all that bad. Just have to meet the right person I suppose.

SRT,

Glad to see you posting here finally. I am sorry for your sitch but know the advice you are gettin here is the best info any one could give you. It has been pretty much along the lines that I first told you on the other sight.

There are a few others I would hope for you to hear from. Mr.Wondering (a lawyer), Larry, Marshmallow, Makeverydaycount, Mimi as well as a few others come to mind. Not that those who have posted are not right on the mark. You already have some of the heavy hitters here, Melody, Mulan, Owl and Pep. These others I am thinking of also have great insight and may be able to give even more suggestions as to how to proceed.