Looks like she is still on the fence. Had a moment of clarity but the pull of the A is still too strong for her to recommit. You really have no choice but to follow through until such time as she makes a decision for NC.

Unfortunately like you said it may be too late but hopefully the reality of the papers in hand may finally wake her up.

I was hoping that she was coming to her senses. Maybe?

I say just stay on your current path and protect you and your son.

I think it is definitely becoming more real for her and she is feeling the pressure and is just starting to realize the consequences of her actions. She is on the verge of coming to her senses but she still needs another big push.

She always goes back to saying she wishes she had not took a particular trip with her girlfriend when she met OM...she tries to tell herself it is too late to fix things with us now. All I can tell her is it is still not too late and I understand her predicament and understand she got herself in a situation that is hard to get out of but also I refuse to live in the situation and only she can fix it. So I just continue to be good to her...I continue to kind of let her cake eat but also let her know this is coming to an end.

Just sad...was talking to her best girlfriend this afternoon and she feels she is also now getting shut out of my W life because of OM. W & OM are just hunkering down together...us vs the world. What they do not realize soon noone will care and they will only have each other...two defects and I think that will get boring quick.

It is hard to watch...as a man...as a husband...as someone who loves this woman dearly...I want so much to save her from this mistake but I realize I really can't do much. All I can do is give her chance after chance...but when the D happens I am afraid I will start to cut ties with her. She will always be part of my life because of our son but I do plan on dating after the divorce and when I find someone I want to become serious with W will lose anything she has left with me...

Yep

Question...

I am finding out that my W is very angry with me. She is angry that I caught her with her hand in the cookie jar. She blames me for her having the affair because our marriage was not perfect and I did not pay enough attention to her. She is angry that I exposed her affair. She is angry that I end up looking like the good guy who is now raising our son mostly alone. She is angry at the measures I took to find out the details of the affair (passwords...phone records...etc). She is angry at the things I saw in her private emails. She is angry that we let our relationship degrade to the point she had an affair. She is angry that I am now managing very well without her...I think she thought I would have a hard time raising our son alone...and it has been the opposite...we have been flourishing. I actually think she is angry that I do not show more anger towards her because of what she has done.

There is some truth that our relationship was not perfect...but whose relationship is...I certainly do not blame myself for her having an affair. The question I ask is this must be common with walk away spouses and affairs...the anger. How do you work through this? How can I break down her walls?

I know she still has feelings for me and I know she still does not really want a divorce but the anger she is feeling towards me is holding everything back. Is there anything I can do to help her work through it? Is there anything I can do to reach out to her?

Wow! Things sure changed quickly. I thought she was coming to your place tonight. Maybe the OM is trying hard to get her to stay with him.

Anger is normal and of course you are the person to blame for EVERYTHING. Especially as you are doing so well without her. I would guess her thoughts had been that you would not cope so when she was bit weary of the OM thing she could out of the goodness of her heart come home and rescue you and all would be forgiven.

I can only speak from my experience and that is I blamed everything on my H as well, then God, then anyone or anything until I had to face the truth ..... I was the one to blame, I was the one who made the choices and acted as I did.

She is not ready yet to accept the fall out of the A is all her choices and a result of her choices. That will take time and probably counseling.

I don't feel you can do anything to reach her, she will have to learn the hard way and see the mess she made for what it is. Keep protecting yourself and son while demonstrating what she will miss and that if she is willing to have NC for all time, go to counseling say with Dr H etc, and work on the M then you would welcome her home

She is coming over tonight...it is kind of strange the whole situation. Monday she was crying telling me how hard the thought of divorce is...she still has feelings for me...she does not want a divorce...that she hates to give up after all we have been through together. But she is afraid to try because she does not have the same feelings for me and is very angry with me...and does not know if those feelings will go away.

It is odd but I figure it must be common? It seems most of these situations go down the same road and have a lot of similarities. So I imagine anger from the WW must be normal.

I just wish I knew of something to do to break down the anger wall. What I have been doing is just trying to be nice to her...validate her feelings...agree with her...kind of plan A stuff. But even this seems to make her angry. Lately it seems I can't win whatever I do.

I would tell her she doesn't have to get divorced. If she doesn't want to get divorved, however, she does have to agree to a few conditions. NC with OM, O&H, accounting for time, moving back in, and MC (preferebly with the Harleys). Tell her that you don't need a commitment to the M, but only to these things. Tell her that there will be plenty of opportunity to meet other men after a D (even one who isn't a complete scumbag that would fornicate with a married woman), but there is only one chance to salvage your M and your family. Tell her that you aren't worried about her feelings or anger towards you because you are confident that your love can come back. Tell her you talked with many other couples who have had similar crises and have gotten through this happier than ever.

Well this past week was a downer...ended up only spending an hour with the W...and we watched Lost and then she had to go home...some poor excuse.

We are spending the majority of this weekend together though...I am not sure of her intentions but hopefully we can settle some things. I know she is struggling with decisions...I guess I am at the point that I just want to get it decided/over with...hopefully I will have some answers after this weekend. I would welcome the chance for us to truly work on the marriage but I can't see that happening. At least these days I feel a lot better about things/myself...I know I can deal with whatever happens. Feel like a weight has been lifted. I do kind of expect some fallout after this weekend though...whenever I spend a lot of time with her it is always hard to part...it is like we always have a good time lately and it makes me miss her/fall in love with her again. More than anything I am looking forward to the day I can truly have someone back in my life like that full time...it does not need to be her either.

I would think it would still be preferable to you wife back though. If I'm not mistaken.

Hope you have some succes this week=end as well as some time together.

The weekend turned out nice. Not sure that it changed any thing but we had a good time together...

I still feel stuck in a bad position. I feel like if I wait her out...Plan A....mix in some Plan B eventually she would decide to come back. Even now it feels like she could make that decision any time. She has reached out to me...made contact...much more often recently. Called me late last night just to talk. She is starting to understand some of what she is giving up...starting to see through the fog a little. So part of me says...wait...but the practical side...says run now...you are going to get custody...you are going to be able to protect your assets...the time is right.

I do still love the woman...whenever I spend a lot of time with her I feel reenforced in that fact. I hate the fact that my son will not grow up with his mother/two parent home. I hate when I see the pain in his eyes.

I am going to see a lawyer Thursday...start the paperwork. In the mean time I am going to give her every opportunity to change her mind. I have taken a new stance with her...of "I want you back...but I do not need you back" I am not going to show any wuss emotion/neediness around her. I know when I do it just kills everything. Need to project a stronger image.

Yup, Exactly.

She is starting to see what she will be losing. It may not wake her up but enableing will only allow her to continue as is. Just remember a D does not necessarily mean it is over.

Recovery is still possible any time you want. Hopefully the papers in hand will give more to think about. It will certainly show her you mean business.

Well email from her this morning saying she is considering coming back but is struggling...can't make up her mind...does not want a divorce...basically is upset that I am taking the cake eating option away by filing for divorce. Does not want to lose me...does not want to lose our son...likes the stability I offer...is afraid of making a mistake. Also is afraid to lose all of her new friends...knows trust will be difficult to rebuild. Afraid to hurt OM...bleh...

We are going to meet Wednesday evening for dinner to talk about things...I am not setting my hopes very high. I am just going to be honest as I can with her...not sugar coat things. I want her back...I want her to want to come back...I truly believe we can have a wonderful marriage again but it will take commitment and changes...trust can be rebuilt. For my part I know I need to make changes also...I feel very committed.

So we will see what happens...crossing my fingers.

Don't settle for less than what you want.

State your conditions very clearly.

If you want a healthy recovery don't back down from them.

You DON'T want a false recovery.

Tell her you're afraid of that happening that's why you insist on NC, IC, MC, whatever else YOU need.

Praying for you, your WW, and your son.

~ Marsh

Well tonights the night...I am thinking it is 50/50 maybe better that she is going to choose to reconcile. When S and I called her last night my S had her in tears in a matter of moments...she misses him greatly...she is realizing what she is missing. I feel strong like I can stand my ground tonight...I am not going to make compromises as to the A...there will be NC or we will proceed on the plan D route. I understand she has a dilemma and I am sympathetic to a point...I know she would rather cake eat but that is not going to be possible. I want NC, IC, and MC...or I want to move on. The thought of her coming back to work on our marriage is sort of scary as I know it is going to be a lot of work but in the end that is what I really want and I look forward to putting in the effort...I just hope her heart is in it...she has always been so vibrant and alive...I have a feeling I am going to have to deal with depressed and angry for awhile. I just hope we can get past it eventually. So it will either be Plan A or Plan D after tonight...

Personally I feel better than I have in months...I feel renewed. It is like we have switched positions...she is now the mess. We both need to get to the renewal point.

Well OM...is sending damage control emails this morning...trying to convince her the other way. Makes me ill. Guess he was over last night and she broke down...dumped on him...as much as she would never admit it and I guess it is standard with As...the thing that is holding her back is him. It takes a real winner to pry a married woman from her child and husband. I really do not know which way she is going to go...she still has a very strong attachment to him...it would not surprise me to see her throw everything away and just run off with him...the sad thing is he has nothing to offer her...he is a kid in a dead end job...with tons of problems of his own...financial...alcohol...anger problems...family problems...health problems...a real winner. It would be a huge mistake for her. But...I am not going to tell her that because I think it just pushes her towards him...my stance is: it is your choice...I will support either choice you make but I am not going to live in limbo...if you do not want to come back then what are we doing? We will proceed on the plan D route. I wish it did not have to come to this and it might be possible to simply wait for the affair to die on its own but I do not think that would be a wise choice as I want to secure custody of my son...plus I want to move on with my own life.

In for an interesting night...no easy answers...

Well evening went about how I expected. We had a very nice dinner at a French Bistro (great food)...drank a bottle of good wine...talked a lot....tried not to shed any tears in the restuarant. Basically she is still stuck in cake eating mode...does not want a divorce...does not want to give up her current lifestyle. Fence sitting...one minute she is considering coming home the next minute does not think she can do it. So nothing really decided.

This morning I made another appointment with a lawyer for next Tuesday...I am just going to file and get it done with. Divorce does not necessarily mean the end but at least it protects me...she did scare me with some of the talk of our son last night...she is starting to realize how much she misses him...need to finalize custody.

You are correct. Divorce is not necessarily the end; you need to protect your son.

Best

Just keep moving forward unless she agrees to your conditions. If it does go through, then plan B her behind.

Protect your son first and foremost as best you can!