Sounds very promising to me. If the OM is out of the picture, things will be better for you and your wife. Don't worry about the divorce, you can always stall, or even remarry her.

Sounds like you are doing a good job in attacting her back.

House of cards is coming crumbling down...guess W and OM had major fallout this weekend. He is the jealous type and she is the uncontrollable flirting type (especially when she is fueled by a little alcohol which seems often lately)...unknown to her he has a new squeeze...who I am sure is mostly drama free and it has empowered him to take more of a stand with W. Unfortunately I am now partially blinded as I have lost some access. Will be interesting to see how it all plays out. What happens if they do break up? What happens next?

Got a message from the W that her and OM broke up last night. She is all distraught...she is still trying to salvage the relationship but I know for a fact he is seeing someone else so I am sure that is why he is moving on. She was talking about coming over tonight but then changed her mind and is going out with some friends and instead she wants to spend Saturday and Sunday at home with me and S. I am really not holding out much hope...I guess it will be interesting to see what happens next. I really can't trust her as I know one of the reasons her OM left her is because she was going behind his back. She is flirting with one of her married coworkers and one of OM friends and a few different people on myspace...it is all about her and I do not think she has that crap out of her system. I do not think my heart can take being in the middle of getting stomped on again. So whatever...what will be...will be.

It sounds to me like a prime time to set some 'boundaries' on what grounds you'll accept her back into your life. Even if your're not in plan B, it would seem to me that setting some clear expectations about her spending time with you (returning home, etc...) would entail.

She won't like them, but it might better to set this stuff up front so she knows that she's going to have to EARN her way back.

Problem is she still does not really want to come back...back. We did spend the entire weekend together and it was pretty good. The real problem now is OM broke up with her so here I have W pining for OM...me pining for my W. OM still feeding her enough to keep her on the sideline begging for him. OM is off with some new woman and if that does not last I am sure he will come running back to the security of my W and she will be there waiting for him. Makes me sick.

There was some positives from this weekend...like she told she now realizes I love her and appreciates everything I have done. She invited me out Friday to dinner with a bunch of her friends who I have never met but all know OM. Other small stuff...her just noticing changes I have made in my life etc...her understanding how I feel about her and what it is like (because of her own pain of breaking up...puke...like breaking up from a 1 year affair is the same as a 10 year relationship with a child involved). Her calling me and emailing me...just small stuff...but new things none the less and encouraging I guess...

I am not really sure what to do next except just keep pushing the divorce forward. I am tempted to go full scale assualt on the OM...email him to stay away...stop emailing wife...maybe email his boss at work (I guess this is part of the reason he broke things off with my W because his boss gave him a very hard time when he heard he was with a married woman). The problem is if I do this I am sure he will share all this with W and she will get very angry with this and I still do not want to jeopardize the ease of my current divorce situation.

So for now I guess I just plan A...push forward plan D. Hope W and OM break up is permanent (I am guessing it won't be). Do not feel there is much I can do...stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Give her a choice. If she isn't sure about the D, tell her you will stop as long as she agrees to NC with OM. She doesn't have to agree to spending the rest of her life with you, just seeing how things might turn out and NC whatsoever w/ OM. Also included should be moving back in and accounting for her time. You can put the D on hold as long as she continues NC. You are in a good position to finally work on your M once withdrawal is over. However, NC needs to be in place in order for that to happen. Do what you can to get NC in place and monitor it, and in 6 months you should notice some positive changes. Give your WW a path back.

At this point NC is probably still out of the question. They are still emailing back and forth all day today...texting back and forth...and they saw each other in person yesterday evening. She is now convinced she is in love with him and doing everything she can to get him back. She is still in the middle of the affair...my only hope is if he stops contact with her and forces her to withdraw. Even if that happens I am not sure I will be a choice...I think there is a better chance she hooks up with someone else. The problem is it is not just the OM but the entire lifestyle change. The situation still seems hopeless to me.

I am just going to proceed down plan D...I wish it would be easier for me to stop caring. Once the D takes place I think it is likely I then go into a Plan B for my own sanity.

Being a younger girl myself I have witnessed this same type scenario PLENTY of times with my girlfriends and their significant others.


My advice- you are enabling her. Giving her rent money when she moved out though, I do agree with, because regardless, she did help you earn that money that whole period of time, so that was the right thing to do.

But, other than that, it's the age old story: she felt cooped up and wasn't getting enough attention, but held it in too long, and is now "going wild". More than likely she will "get it out of her system", but she may not, and, you have to decide if you want to sit on the back burner waiting around to see what happens.

My advice- if she wanted to be with you, she would know indefinably. There wouldn't be any pauses, or non response to your questions. Also, two years is a LONG time to carry on an affair. Usually those who act out do it a couple times and then feel regret. I'm not really seeing that in her case. I'm thinking more along the lines that you are a comfort zone to her, a sense of habit that she can goto from time to time, but, she is not staying.

I would start worrying about you and your son. Start healing yourself and ask if you REALLY want to be with someone who cheated on you for two years. You may find that you are ready to move on as well and you are also going to her for a sense of comfort.

But, this is just advice.

I appreciate the advice...it has been one year but I think most of what you say is very true. I am that comfort zone...last resort. Whenever her other plans fall through she comes to me. She is constantly telling me she wishes she could turn back time...wishes none of this would have happened. But in the end it does come down to exactly what you said that she felt neglected/bored...got a taste of going out partying all night...attention from other men and it was like she was alive again.

I kind of feel bad for letting our marriage get to that point...but I think most marriages have slow times. Do I really want to be with this woman who cheated with me...most times I think not...but other times I miss her very much especially when we spend time together. I figure once we get divorced it will be easier to move on...at least I hope so. It is just very hard for me to be an ****** to her...because I do still care and we have a child...I wish I could work up some anger towards her.

Send me your address (kidding) and I will mail you plenty for you to use with your WW. Seriously, it appears that you are at a point where you need to protect you and your son and let God have her to deal with. You (and I) fought the good fight and can always hold onto that. There will be someone else for you and me and someone better, imo.

Hang in there!

Update...

Yes I am at that point where I need to protect myself and son...felt I have been at that point for awhile.

Some encouraging news...W and OM have broke it off. This seems to have lifted the fog slightly for the W. Some good signs...she is going to start individual counseling. She still says she is not in love with me any more but she has definitely been communicating with me more and has given me some positive signs. I had given her the book Surviving an Affair a couple months back and she finally picked it up and started reading. She called me and was like incredulous...she is like this is exactly us...this book could be written with us being the central figures. I agreed and kind of laughed to myself because I have been trying to tell her this for months. At least it has her interest and maybe she will keep reading and believe there is some hope for us. That has been a central theme for her all along that she could not envision a scenario where we could reconcile...so maybe this will give her some hope to at least try.

I have thought long and hard about it myself and I still love her very much and I am willing to forgive and really try. I do still want her back in my life. I guess for now I am going to try and plan A and hope the book and individual counseling help her and give us a chance. In the mean time though I am going to proceed with the divorce...it is still a couple months before it would go to court and I suppose I could stop it if she comes back and can convince me she is serious about reconciling.

I still think it is a longshot but at least there is a glimmer of hope...I think the longer she has NC with OM it could hopefully lift the fog more and more.

Ups and downs...downs and ups...getting used to it...at least the last few days have been good.

As long as there is no contact, things look hopeful. And good for her for reading SAA. Continue plan A'ing her, and see what ACTIONS she takes. Talk is cheap.

Trust me, if she can read SAA and not think it is total crap, some of the fog is clearing. My wife still hates MB, and we are in recovery.

Bleh...getting mixed signals...cake and eat it to crap...this morning she calls me on the way to work and we talk for a half hour and she says she is considering coming back and kind of putting out feelers of what we could do and how we would go about it. Knows she would have to give up certain things...etc...pretty positive and gave me a lot of hope...liked what she said.

But then I check her this morning and she is sending out all kinds of feelers on myspace trying to hook up with new guys...emailing OM about still wanting to do things with him..."still be friends"...total opposite of earlier. I really do not understand it...not sure how I could ever trust her...would take awhile and I do not know how I could give her any privacy. Just more BS...she is going like 10 directions at once...I guess until she makes an actual committment or decision I can't say much...my guess is that committment will probably never come so I proceed down Plan D.

She is an addict and started getting OM cravings, so she sent him the "let's be friends" email. A condition for taking her back and "trying" things out should be NC with OM for life. If she doesn't agree, then don't let her back. I know that you don't want to get hurt, but I see some really positive signs, and if you still want to save your M, I want you to take advantage of them. The pull to OM still is strong, but if she moves back to your house, you will have control over her contact with OM. Help her get over her addiction.

Yeah first thing would be to convince her to come back and try...if she did come back there definitely would be those type conditions and she knows that. She understands she would have to give up all of the crap she has gotten herself into...in reality I do not think she has the willpower/strength to come back that is why she keeps hedging and saying she thinks she wants to come back but can never commit. I kind of hope the individual counseling will help her and help her see things clearly...I am pushing that angle now...originally she brought it up and I know she has made some calls...now just need to get her to commit to that. Good signs...bad signs...they change all of the time.

Some shocking news tonight...my W asked me to stop the divorce. Says she wants to move back...wants to start packing this weekend. Not sure what to think of it all but basically I think the affair ended and she is missing things...says she has been contemplating coming back for awhile. Hard not to get my hopes up but it is a good first step anyway. Kind of scary as I know I am in for a lot of work. I truly believe it is all about the affair still...have a lot of things that point to that.

Looking for suggestions on next steps...boundaries...NC...etc...

Once it is confirmed she is moving back I will probably start a new thread.

Have her call the Harleys. It will cost $180., but is a whole lot cheaper than a divorce. They are experts at talking to a WS.

Great news!

Now you must make her meet your conditions. If it means her staying away a few more weeks until she caves, so be it. You will get through this, you just need to set and enforce your boundaries.

Whoa there, horse. I must be missing something. This morning WW was on myspace trolling for new men, but this evening she wants to come home? And you’re making all kinds of plans to start a thread over in the Recovery forum? Excuse me?

Pardner, shouldn’t you slow down a little? Tell me – she says she's going to agree to NC with OM and all the other men she’s been chasing since January, right? How did she convince you of that? What’s changed since this morning?

WW isn't going to go out anymore with her loser friends, right? In fact, her friends, from now on out, are going to be friends of the marriage, right? She said so?

Is she willing to go to couples counseling with you, and to an IC for her unresolved issues with her father? I guess she's read SAA and wants to work through the EN questionnaires, etc., right?

She’s committed herself to the marriage, her son, and you...and she earnestly wants to rebuild your trust in her, right? Interesting turn around from posting on myspace.com a few hours ago, isn’t it?

So...she’s already taken that test for STD’s and the report has come back negative? Or do you trust that unsavory OM and all those seedy friends you spoke of months ago?

I suppose she’s convinced you she’s ready for total transparency and radical honesty, right?

She’s ready to spend at least 15 hours a week in quality time with you? Tell us what else she’s proposed to do to protect you and help you heal.

Friend, I’ve watched your thread for a long time and haven’t commented until now because you’ve had so many others giving you sound advice. I may have missed something and if I have, someone set me straight. But mister, it sure seems to me you stand a chance of making the biggest mistake of your life if you don’t take this awfully slow and examine everything about her desire to come home very, very carefully.

I’m afraid if you rush into this, you’re going to be right back in this same situation in a few months or a couple of years when she gets an itch to be single again. Take care, pardner. I think that may be quicksand there in front of you.