She may or may not come back, she may have a goodbye time with OM or a 100 other things.
The only thing you can bank on is that while she is in contact she WILL NOT be working on the M.

I do wonder how your son let alone you will feel if she comes back only to leave again. I do STRONGLY suggest you get professional advice from the Harleys BEFORE she appears on the doorstep.

You need a well thought out plan based on experience and should go get it. There are many things you could tell the Harleys over the phone about the situation which would take pages & pages here and that info may be so important.

PLEASE PLEASE consider ringing them. Your little boy (as do you) deserves the best chance of having both his parents there at home. Even if you are on the right track at least you will know you are doing everything that could be done, you won't always be wondering 'if only' .
But I am still praying for your success any way & hope you will go get that advice right away.

SRT call SH and get a plan.

Have your W talk to him too.

Please.

~ Marsh

What "good authority"? Did you get this from your wife's email exchanges with the OM? Additionally, is she still in contact with him even though she is supposedly "taking a break" from both of you? I wouldn't let her set foot in the house until you have a plan, as Marsh suggests, because if she can't even remain in NC with him when *she* decided to cut things off with both of you ... I don't think she's taking it seriously at all.

The self imposed break lasted all of a half day. The latest is this weekend she kind of hinted she would like to give two months to try and work on our marriage...maybe...but she has this and this coming up and she does not want to miss xxx birthday party who is friends with OM...etc...etc...etc... A lot of excuses...a lot of wishy washiness...still can't decide...blah blah blah. Does not want to give up her apartment so after the two months she would not have to find another place. I 100% agree on the not taking this serious part.

I told her I am done negotiating...that she does not sound serious...if she wants to come back to work on the marriage she is going to have to do a lot better than the above suggestions. A two month vacation at our home...if she actually can remain in NC with OM (which I really doubt her strength to do this)...at least the first 4-6 weeks she is just going to be depressed and we will get nothing accomplished...so anyway I basically said no thanks lets proceed down the divorce path unless she can do better than that. I do not want her in and out of my house and put our son (and me) through more turmoil.

She is coming over for dinner tonight...says she has a lot she wants to talk about. I am not sure what to expect...I just know I am tired of the situation and it will be ending in either divorce or her moving back and really trying...I will not settle for anything in the middle. She keeps telling me she wishes she had more time...which translates to I want to cake eat and I will live in the cake eating situation forever if you let me.

Stand your ground. It is either commit to the M and family, get counseling appointments with SH, NC, etc. or D her butt and protect custody of your son, IMO

The update...

We are getting divorced...I do not think there is much hope of reconciliation. One minute she is for trying but the next she does not think she can do it...in the end I believe her that she can't do it. The only thing that would bring her back is fear...she is afraid to be out on her own...and really I do not want her to come back to me because she is afraid...that is not a good reason...and I do not want to be back in this situation a couple years down the road with her.

It is odd to me...but I guess probably normal but she is so mad at me...all that happened is my fault (according to her)...if I would have paid more attention to her...if we would have worked on our problems...none of this would have ever happened. I guess this is probably normal for a WS to blame their partner. I will be the first to admit our marriage had some problems but they were not major and I do not think anything that most marriages go through at some point. I guess it is just a way for her to justify what she did so she can feel a little better about herself. What baffles me is she cannot even begin to forgive me...all she does is bring up the past...she says she sees the changes in me now and she likes who I have become but she just can't get past the past and it is always on her mind. I have a little different feeling on the matter I think we both probably shared equally in our marital problems and it is funny that I am willing to forgive her for what I consider the worst marital sin of having an A but she can't forgive me because she as a stay at home mom changed more diapers than me and had to get up in the middle of the night with our son more often than me (buy a clue...I was working 12 hours a day and you did not have a job). Bleh...just frustrating...and it is not worth arguing about any more (I stopped arguing with her a long time ago and mostly just agree...we can't fix what has already happened but we can make the future better).

So I see a lawyer next week and hopefully we can get this over with. We are still agreeing on everything in the divorce...hopefully it remains that way and we can get it over with. I am disappointed but I am doing ok...a part of me is very relieved as having her choose to come back in her current state would have probably been a disaster and we would have been in for a lot of work and a lot more heartache. I mostly feel bad for our S who deserves to have his mother but it is probably best for him too I guess. I am happy to try again with someone new.

Thanks for everyones help...it makes a difference on the rough days to post and get encouraging words and advice. Just to know someone cares in the world can make a rough experience like this a little better.

Here is a last ditch idea. Why don't you have a FWW email/talk to her about how she can get over the past, but only after OM is out of the picture. She WILL fall back in love with you if you stick to the MB program and she has NC with OM. Maybe you can schedule and appointment with Jennifer Chalmers as well.

Well this morning she emailed me this nugget: "BUT I STILL DONT WANT A DIVORCE, I REALLY WANT TO COME HOME, BUT DON'T KNOW HOW!"
and then this:
"I wish you could offer me one thing. I wish that I could always come back to you. That your door would always be open."

I responded with:
"Like they say... "Just do it"

You come home and we start working through our issues...there is no easy way. My door will be open for you until I find myself in another serious relationship. I will always care for you and there is a space in my heart that will always be reserved for you and only you. I want to be honest with you when we divorce the chances of us getting back together are probably slim. I am 38 years old...I have my pride...I want to move on and start living my life again...I want to have a relationship again...I have a feeling that it will not take me long to find myself in another serious relationship.

I am sorry it has to be this way...this is not what I want. All I can tell you is with me it is all or nothing...I refuse to share...if you do not want to divorce you need to come back now...you need to make a leap of faith and trust that we can make it work again. I am worth it...our life and future together can be worth it. Take the chance!"

-----
I don't know it does not matter to me any more...I am done waiting...I am done playing games...if she does want to come back she needs to do it. I am tired of the current situation and I am not going to sit here with my door open hoping one day she will come back. If I could get her to come back we will definitely contact SH or JC to get started.

Answer: If you don't want a D and don't know how to come home, call up JC and she will show you the way. Otherwise, I don't take what you are saying seriously.

Thanks JMWC...that is good advice. I emailed her back and said if you seriously want to come home I am willing to pay for an individual counseling session with JC so maybe she can give her a plan to come back. Gave her the amazon link to the surviving an affair book...there are some good user reviews so maybe she will see it is possible to survive this and get back in a good state.

SRTogacihC,

If you want to save your M, I think it's time you finally grab your WW by the horns and lead the way. It's time to get tough and be firm in your resolve. The eye of the tiger, man. This is what I would tell your WW:

Update...

Wife has agreed to do a counseling session with SH or JC...should happen next week. Basically if nothing comes from that it is the last chance as far as I am concerned. I made an appt with the lawyer for next week. I think it is 98% certain we will divorce and frankly I no longer care...it is probably for the best.

Had some good news yesterday...when my son was initially in day care starting in Oct he was really struggling...cying a lot, not socializing with any of the kids, tantrums, throwing stuff, disobeying the teachers, hanging with the "bad" kid...I really worked with him the last two months...well the teacher pulled me aside yesterday when I was picking him up and told me S is a changed kid...he is now friends with everyone, is advancing at a quicker pace as far as numbers, letters, writing, etc..., he is the class comedian...and she said he is basically the "superstar" of daycare. Can't tell you how good that made me feel.

On another good note I met an incredible woman...I am not doing anything with her until I file for divorce but this girl is something special and I can see myself in a relationship with her. There is definitely mutual interest.

So while divorce sucks...I just do not really care any more. I like the thought of starting something fresh. It is so good my son is excelling. Things are just feeling so positive right now. I am actually very excited to move on with my life.

Any outcome from the session yet SRT?

She made excuses and skipped out on the session...I think we are officially over. I see a lawyer tomorrow to pay the retainer and to get things started. We have agreed to everything...hopefully should be a painless divorce.

Basically it all comes down to she does not want to give up the single life...her and OM are having problems and are probably close to done but that is not going to drive her back to me. The problems stem from the fact that she is going behind his back with other guys...he only has an inkling of what is happening but is already having big problems with it. I truly do not think I could ever trust her again...it seems like a pattern is forming or formed.

It is sad but I am ok...I have my son and that is by far the most important thing to me. Going out in the world and dating again is not the end of the world...in fact I am looking forward to it. I have already met one woman I am very interested in...we are taking it very slow and just friends for now but I see some definite potential. Then I met another woman that seems like she will be a lot of fun for a little while...I do not think we will take it slow...lol. It feels good to have someone desire me again...it also feels good that I have gotten a lot of interest from very worthy/beautiful/good women...I guess I am a pretty good catch so might as well have some fun with it...I am looking forward to meeting a really terrific woman and treating her right and hopefully having a great longterm relationship. I know I am a good man and someone will be lucky to have me...I never wished this would happen but I will make the best of it and in the end I will likely be in an even better place.

Sorry you have to go through this SRT.

However don't be surprised to find as you move on she starts to find reasons to want to see you.
Have you thought of doing the 180 plan or plan B ? complete non contact and have even day to day child access through a 3rd party?

As for moving on, beware of rebound romances, being vulnerable right now you may get hurt or hurt a woman not meaning to. You may be surprised how messed up your own emotions are right now deep down.

Hope you and your son will be ok and that you will find happiness again one day soon.

I really feel things are over. I felt like I did most everything I could to save the marriage. I made my best effort. I am not willing to try anything else with her. At this point I do not want to risk the custody of my son...while a plan B may work it could be read the wrong way by her and I am happy with our current divorce arrangements...so I am not willing to take that type risk. I am moving on with my life.

Thanks for the warnings...I do understand those things. I will not rush into anything. I do still feel a little "messy"...but mostly pretty good. I have been going to individual counseling for six months and that has really helped. For the last month or two I really feel like I turned a corner. As far as happiness...I am pretty happy...things are not as bad as they could be. I have my son...that is the most important thing in the world to me. Life goes on. New challenges await.

Update...

Haven't been here in awhile...filed for divorce and had her served. I have given up on her and just want to get it over with. Should be over in the next 6 weeks or so. She still sometimes plays the game that she does not want a divorce but is unwilling to do anything to save the relationship. She continues her partying ways and sees less and less of our S.

I have been in communication with one of her close family members in hopes he could help the situation. He had some good suggestions but not much help. The RX is to let her go and stop supporting her...plan B...which I do agree with except at this point I do not see it doing much good. One of the problems is she is going to get a decent amount of money from the divorce and it will be enough to maintain a fun lifestyle for a few years. I doubt after a few years of her running ragged and being used and abused would I even consider taking her back. It is a sad story. I guess it is nice life if you can pretend to be 21 again...we all probably wish we could be 21 forever (actually I don't).

I have started dating a little bit...it has been ok...my heart really is not in it yet or at least I have not met a woman I see a future with. Being a single parent has been 99% good...it is demanding but rewarding. S has been asking a lot of questions lately and I see more and more that he misses his mother...it is the single hardest thing for me to deal with...it breaks my heart. Mostly he has adjusted well but it is so unfair for him. He is such a great loving child...it makes me doubt everything that I ever thought I knew about my W that she could be so selfish and leave her child...I never will understand it.

I'm so sorry ((((srtogacihc))))...it's heartbreaking to think that she doesn't seem to understand or even care about what she is inflicting upon her son. I'm so glad you are there for him.

Uncovered some interesting info today. OM is now cheating on W behind her back... Not that I am going to do anything with the info...if I tried to communicate that to her she would just resent my interference but I guess it will be interesting to see what happens when she figures it out on her own. Looks like they are not long for each other...not that she hasn't already cheated on him...maybe they are perfect for each other.

I do not think it will change anything if they break up...she has insisted all along it is not about him...all about her freedom, being on her own, etc... but that is typical fog talk...so I guess we will see when their relationship comes crashing down what happens.

I am still pushing forward with the divorce...have filed...have a court case should be done within the next two months.

What a mess...

S came down with a bad cold on Thurs...I ended up getting it and was sick all weekend...W weekend with S and she ends up getting sick and calls me Saturday...was bored...ended up bringing S back and spending the entire weekend at home. We had a nice weekend except the fact that we were all sick.

I am not sure if I should be available for her like this...it is so hard for me to turn down an offer like this weekend...I miss my son terribly whenever she has him and I still have a ton of feelings for her so whenever I get the opportunity to spend time as a family I jump on it. Part of me feels like I should not be available like this for her as it allows her to cake eat. But it also allows me time with her...time to reconnect.

She has not told me anything but I know she is having a rough patch with OM...I have only got bits and pieces but I know for the past month they have had some troubles in paradise. He is now seeing another woman on the side...W has an idea about this but does not realize the extent. She thought they just went to dinner once as friends...and that upset her...now he is keeping everything secret and emails the OW back and forth all day long...a lot less communication between OM and W. I am hoping this will quickly signal an end...but what that will mean for my marriage...I am not sure?

Nothing has really changed as far as me...I still am pushing forward the divorce...even if we were to get back together I still want the divorce to protect the custody arrangement with my son. I just do not trust her to not run off again...

I have a feeling in the next month W and OM will be done. She has two trips planned and neither include him...this should give him plenty of rope... Will be interesting to see how she reacts. While I kind of know what is going on I never talk to her about it or try to persuade her away anymore...that seemed to strengthen anything they had...letting the fantasy end on its own is helping kill it.

bleh I am all over the map this morning...still a little sick...just needed to blog a little.