STR

You are so right about WW. She seems to want to go back to being 17 again. She doesn't understand that life can be fun, adventurous, exciting all the while in the package of a family. She doesn't see that being possible. We both know it can be. She also created and has responsibilities as a married woman and mother and she should have thought about taking on those responsibilities if she was going to act 17 all her life.

Is there anything more you can do to "scare off" OM (do you think he is seeing someone else and if so could you get a PI to get photos of her "soulmate", mating with another?).

Down this morning...I am pretty sure we can get past OM. He seems to be the least of my problems. I think she will get through withdrawal of him. My big concern is the next OM...even though she is back in my home and saying some of the right things I do not think she is truly back or really even trying to stay. I fear that my house is just a safe haven because she did not want to be alone. I fear at her first opportunity she is going to bolt again.

I intercepted some stuff this morning that really depresses me...she is already on the hunt for her next partner...and I do not think that it is me.

I guess we will just see what happens next week when we start MC and I ask her to open her life and stop hiding things.

We have not really even started reconciling and she is already backtracking on a lot of what she said. She still wants her privacy...wants to be able to go out alone when she wants to...wants to have her single friends...etc...etc...all red flags...all I want to continue to live my on the side single life stuff.

depressed

Ug, very bad news. It is good your eyes are open though, after my wife's first EA, I let her convince me (or convinced myself) that I should trust her way too early. You should keep your source of information secret because she is clearly still wayward.

What is your plan? Have you tried talking to the MB phone counsellors? I think that plan FU/180/plan B is in your near future if she's going to turn around. It seems WWs don't respond to 'just' plan A alone...

"I think that plan FU/180/plan B is in your near future if she's going to turn around. It seems WWs don't respond to 'just' plan A alone... "

I tend to agreee w/ NG if she doesn't move off the fence soon. I am worried about her "pretending" to be the mother of the year all the while trying to weave her way back in long enough and far enough that it improves her custody position. Has she seen an attorney as far as you know?

You need to keep her from getting another OM. As long as there is no OM, she comes back to you. You need to keep her away from all possible OM until she starts reconnecting with you. If she continues to try and get around your snooping, you plan B her behind and give her NOTHING. You need to practice TOUGH LOVE. As long as there is no OM, you will make it through this. Keep her from OM and if she continues, stop enabling her.

You need to get TOUGH. YOU are the one dropping the D, so YOU CALL THE SHOTS until she is no longer wayward.

When I got to the point you are at, I re-read the book 'Love must be Tough' about 3 times in one afternoon; make sure you've read it.

I am pretty certain she does not have a lawyer and does not even want custody. What she wants is when she has nothing better to do to come spend time with her husband and son. We are kind of her last resort as she knows we are always there. This is going to change.

She is still a cake eater and she knows it. The last two nights we have talked quite a bit and she has told me as much that she loves spending some evenings at home to relax but she also wants to go out and party when she wants...etc... She says if she feels in LOVE with me and feels wanted etc...she can remain faithful but if she feels neglected or bored at all she could stray again. Which to me means she is going to stray...even the best marriages have peaks and valleys...and if she is leading this single lifestyle on the side she is going to be constantly put in compromising positions where she will be put to the test and I am pretty certain she will fail those tests and end up in a different sort of compromising position (if you know what I mean).

I have not stopped the divorce. After MC next week I am pretty certain she will be moving back out of the house. She is not going to comply...a week earlier she was saying she wanted to go to MC and would do whatever the counselor suggests...now she is saying she will go but she is going to speak her mind and she wants what she wants. At this point it seems a waste of time to even try MC. I think I will use my IC as the MC and just go one session to get it done with. Today I do not have much hope.

Plan D is still in effect and after I secure custody I will Plan B just to give her a taste of life without her support system and just for my own sanity so I can start moving on. It really kills me...but I have had enough...she is hurting our S (and me) more than she can imagine.

Talk with your lawyer and see if you can plan B her before you finalize the D. That way she doesn't get a chunk of change first to enable her single lifestyle and might come back quickly. If she gets the money from the D, she won't come back until she burns through all your hard earned money. It may be a gamble, but if she doesn't have a lawyer, and you agree to put off the D without giving her access to her cash, plan B might be effective after a very short while. You need to give her a really good glimpse of life without you will really be like, lack of financial support and all.

As far as keeping her away from OM...I feel helpless...she is an adult...I can not stop her from going out. She is free to make her own choices. The only thing I can do is make her face consequences for her actions. Like getting her out of my house and stop the support from my side. Divorce...plan B...etc...

I do feel very strong that I can now set boundaries and making her face consequences. Much better than I did early on in this ordeal. I have been through so much of this with her it no longer really effects me too badly. Of course it makes me sad/angry/helpless at times but I still feel very capable and ready to meet any challenges she throws my way. On to the next challenge...I will take a stand.

Should be a start of a deciding week...wife gets home from NYC tonight. It seems all I have done is think all weekend...I have so many doubts. We spoke before she left and talked about what it will take to recover and she seems to be on board but I am not sure why she is? She is already setting up alternative accounts to circumvent any monitoring. I don't know if I should just call her on this stuff immediately or if it is even worth trying or just monitor those accounts secretly to see what is really goin on. I am leaning on just getting her out of my house immediately and tell her when she is serious we can talk again. I guess I just want to see what she has to say for herself.

Whenever I am not around her much I seem to get more comfortable with the idea of just moving on...I know I will have no trouble meeting someone else and it would be good to have a fresh start. But then I spend time with her and realize how much I still care about her and how much I like being with her when we are getting along and I change my mind and think I want to try.

I guess not looking for any answers today...just felt like writing. I understand it is very natural to have these sort of doubts.

SRT, this is not ON BOARD, imo. There, again, imho, something going on here. Make sure that she doesn't try and move back in in order to gain a foothold in a custody battle.

Shut down all access to the internet if you have to. If she accesses it from work or elsewhere, kick her to the curb. To do otherwise would be to set yourself up for a false recovery.

I kicked her back out...I feel I was being used until she could find something better. She was still all about hiding stuff...had plans in the works so she could keep some things going on the side. She acted sort of upset last night but I intercepted a few things this morning that said otherwise so oh well...plan D is back in full effect.

I just do not care any longer. I am tired of playing these games with her. She has not shown me anything yet of her being serious about reconciling. I kind of think part of her definitely wants to but the other part of her still wants to exist when she wants that...still definitely has that cake eating mentality. Any reconciliation now would definitely be false and would be doomed to fail as soon as she met someone else...there would always be an excuse and somehow my fault for her to stray.

I am not too upset...I feel like I have tried and tried...I am happy with our current divorce agreement...I am happy to get custody of my son...so might as well just keep heading down that path.

Sorry SRT but get custody of your son and secure your future and his future and let WW reap the consequences of her actions and decisions. It will be a far better teacher than you ever could be.

God bless,

Nothing really new...just want to post to bump up my thread.

Wife called me in tears last night...nothing really new to say just that she is so unhappy and wishes she could turn back time. Not much I could really tell her...just kind of listened and agreed. We went to a concert together Saturday night and had a good time but at the end of the night we go our seperate ways. I probably should not even hang out with her like that...I don't know that she really deserves my time and attention at this point...but I find it hard not to take opportunities to see her because I still care about her. It is just sad.

On a good note I had a wonderful fathers day.

Sad won't cover it my friend.. But you are correct in not "saving her". She sees the hanging out as proof that you guys will remain friends and that she will get whatever she wants in regards to visitation/custody arrangements.

Let her fall all the way to the bottom.

Plan B!!!

Court next week...D will be official. Little to no news. We have really went our seperate ways. Hardly ever talk. Have custody of my son...keeping my home...keeping my retirement account...basically giving her all of the cash I have. So I am kind of broke right now but have survived better than I could have reasonably hoped. Money can be earned again...the most important thing is having my son nearly full time.

She has already burned through over half the cash buying a brand new sports car...kind of sad to see her waste the money foolishly but then again I guess there is always another sucker that will fund her future. She certainly will never earn that much money on her own.

Emotionally I feel good...just taking things slow...getting adjusted to being single. No hurries to do anything. Actually just enjoying being a dad.

Good luck everyone and thanks for the help. It might not be the result I really hoped for but it is not all bad and I think in the longrun it will be a big positive.

Good to hear from you again. Your wife will someday realize that she let go of the best things she ever had. How sad. Our MB men do just fine after divorce, so don't worry. Take your time and do some healing.

Court tomorrow. I had a particularly bad day today. I guess I am glad it is almost over. Our relationship has really detiorated over the past month...I have held a lot back because I wanted the divorce to go smooth...now that the divorce will be over it will be nice to be able to say "no" and to stop bending over backwards for her.

Still taking things slow...I still need time to heal...most days I would say I am good to very good but others when some trigger occurs it still hurts a lot.