I wouldn't make him sleep somewhere else. I wouldn't clue him in to anything.

Expose by telling OW's sister, and expose to his work. Exposure hasn't worked so far, because he has had no consequences to face.

The affair will never last, but exposing it will help your marriage.

Alright, I'll let him sleep in the same room, although he isn't even home yet and he hasn't called. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Do I act loving? Or upset since he just found out that I know?

In terms of consequences, actually she was kicked out of the house and is now living elsewhere. He was reprimanded by losing 1/3 of his paycheck for 3 months (a total loss of a full month's paycheck) and a letter will be on file for 2 years. He didn't go to the office Christmas party because he says he didn't want to see everyone who knew. The sister can make it worse if she finds out because she is the one that filed the suit. Last time it actually brought them together when others found out because they played 'victim' to each other.

...but not to worry, I will expose the affair again.
I just have a problem (in terms of I don't want to <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> )being completely loving to him right now... but if that is going to harm the circumstances-- I will...

Real quick, if he no longer wants to go to the retreat after I expose it again, do I still do plan A?

Yes. Stick with Plan A.

And if you don't want SF with an active WS no one would blame you!

Okay, so I told him this morning that he needs to end the affair. Of course he tried to go back on his word and say I must have gotten wrong information and that he wasn't contacting her. Ridiculous! I told him to please stop lying. Eventually, he said okay. He wants to know how much I know, but I won't give him any information.

He doesn't know if he wants to end the A. That's how it stands. He wanted to make sure I didn't contact his sister or work, I told him I couldn't hold to that promise anymore and he became angry saying I was out to hurt him and that he might lose his job; don't I care about his job and our financial picture? ...Doesn't he care about our marriage and our children? I haven't contacted anyone yet...he just left, he's probably calling her now to get some sort of plan in place.... right now, he's probably worried about what I might do...

I actually did still think of waiting until after the retreat for re-exposure... I guess part of me wants him to go so badly that I'd be willing to wait, but the experts say I should expose, yes? The retreat acutally did not come up in conversation this morning.

So, what now... he is actively involved in an affair... and doesn't wish to end it... Do I ask him to leave if he's going to be involved in a blatant affair? How can I continue with plan A if he's telling me he won't stop it?

Quite honestly, I know deep in my heart that it won't work out for him and his 19-yr old mistress. She's in college and her history with men is marred with desperation and bad choices. Long-term happiness for them is extrememly slim...so part of me wants him to see the truth of it for himself... but I wish he would just wake up and see the light already!!!

"He wanted to make sure I didn't contact his sister or work, I told him I couldn't hold to that promise anymore and he became angry saying I was out to hurt him and that he might lose his job; don't I care about his job and our financial picture? "

You are not causing problems at his work. The affair is.

Expose to his work. Expose to OW's sister.

Expose the affair, DW. That is the only thing that will wake him up. Stop trying to talk to him about it, just expose the affair.

Okay, I will...wish me luck. Do you think a phone call is best? ...what about contacting the OW's friends, since she is in college...I have access to her facebook.com account...or is that too much... :|

...and when he blows up, I'm supposed to be calm and just say I was trying to save my marriage, correct? ...and if he decides he wants to stay in the house, but continue with the affair?....then what should i do? tell him no, he needs to leave?..or ...??

btw, you guys are great with the advice, i truly truly truly appreciate each and every one of you... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I really don't think i could get through this without you all...you are a beam of light through the fog... thank you.

Alright, thank you for the encouragement, truly it gave me the strength.

So, yes, I exposed it...again. I contacted her sister and the OW. I did not contact his work because I guess the case is closed since the sisters don't work there anymore. I called her sister who told me OW was out of the country for two weeks and came back last week. Which explains why during the winter break I felt like WH was coming around and then started acting 'weird' on last Tuesday or Wednesday... The phone text message incident was Sunday.

...and i called the OW and confronted her. She said she hadn't contacted him...and then said that it's my fault that i emailed her sister that she did(mind you that happened over a month ago)...and then she changed her story and said she hadn't contacted him... I told her that my H had already told me she did. She said no again and i said are you calling him a liar? (i actually was pretty calm the whole time, thank you...yes, i am proud that i didn't yell or let my emotions take over <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> she finally said, 'yes' and then i said 'thank you for finally telling the truth' and then she said 'i only said yes because that's what you want to hear, isn't it?' yeah, she was getting upset and yelling... and i told her that my H had said that one of the reasons he had told me he didn't break it off was because she was needy and desperate and had threatened to kill herself if he did...(...unfortunately now, he no longer think she is, he thinks she loves him....but i didn't tell her that...) She told me she wouldn't have to kill herself if I didn't cause trouble by emailing her sister....umm, yeah... I told her that I would know if she was contacting him because she would probably call him and let him know that I called her, and then he would tell me....

So, he came home in a bad mood, which told me she had called him, but he didn't tell me. He was ignoring me and didn't say much to me. He was displaying his discontent so blatantly that my DD asked, 'What's wrong, Daddy?' and I said sweetly, 'yeah what's wrong, honey?' He proceeded to kinda ignore me, but i just showed I was in a good mood. I had dinner ready and we all ate together and talked...well, almost everyone talked...he kinda just listened... so, plan A back in motion....

...and i'm gonna do plan A until the MB Weekend... ...i'm actually in a fairly good mood... maybe 'cause i know that she is no competition... although i wish WH would wake up already and see it!

Truly, though, she was so immature on the phone that I am having problems respecting my H to know he even fell for a desperate teenager's ploys.....and the whole don't wanna be a father thing...that actually is a problem...A huge part of me wants him to move out so that he sees it for his own eyes...i have lost a lot of respect and desire for H...

...any advice on staying on track with plan A even when I don't feel like it? (I was pumped yesterday to continue with plan A, but I feel somewhat unmotivated today...is there something I can keep in mind when I don't quite feel like it?)

...and I am continue with plan A even when he hasn't ended it with her, right? ...at least until the retreat?

Thanks,
DW

Good job. You did just fine. I know the whole lack of respect feeling, and it is very dangerous to the marriage. That is what finally did my marriage in. I completely lost all respect for my WH.

So is the OW still at his school? If so, you need to expose to the school. The sooner you do, the sooner the affair will break up.

Stay in Plan A until after the MB weekend. Expect him to refuse to go though. Don't LB and don't argue.

Go to the weekend for what you will learn.

You're right, he's now refusing to go to the retreat. She emailed him that I had called him and he didn't check his email until last night. I'm not exactly sure if she told him previously or not...I was with him when he checked him email and saw the message come in. He said he hadn't seen her and they only called each other maybe once or twice. I said I was simply trying to save our marriage and was going to eliminate any evil parasite that gets in the way. Okay, maybe I shouldn't have said evil, but he got upset and said that my actions were pushing him away and closer to her... I simply kept saying I was just squashing anything that kept us from having a marriage together...in a calm voice with a smile on my face <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />...ya would have been proud....he said I shouldn't harass her and that I was going crazy.... and yes, he did say he was no longer going to retreat, and 'I hope you get your money back' (I had used my monthly household allowance money that I had saved to pay for this trip.)

I went through his email and saw he asked the university cell phone director if nights and weekends are free on his cell phone. Do you think I should email her and see if I can get a copy of the calls made?

I copied down numbers and email addresses of his co-workers and friends. Should I expose? What if it is true that he had only talked to her and not seen her...is it reason enough?

Any advice on trying to have him agree to go on the retreat? I will stick with Plan A for now, but what happens if he doesn't change his mind before next Friday? Do I alert MB and see if I can obtain a refund...or just wait it out hoping because I haven't gotten a refund that he'll go...?

"he said I shouldn't harass her and that I was going crazy...."

Ho-hum, that is what they all say. He is going by the WS strategy book.

Leave out the "evil parasite" (although that is a real good one!!), and just tell him that you will fight for your marriage. At this point they all think the homewrecker is wonderful.

I think they have been in contact all along, so don't worry about that. Does she still go to his school?

Yes, she still attends the university. It is a major university with thousands of people so they can meet easily unseen. I just emailed some of her facebook friends, especially the one whose name they used as their secret email account--it turns out it's a real person and not a pseudo-name they used.

Whatdya think?

It would be good to let the university know that the cell phone is being used to continue the affair. I would put something in writing, that you think it is highly inappropriate behavior, that the student/homewrecker and your husband are continuing the A. Ask what they plan to do about it.

Now, the MB weekend. Hopefully there is a policy to get your money back, or at least credit for something. Check and let us know. If there isn't, I won't be advising folks to go anymore. After all, when a marriage is going through all this, things happen. And there is no option to go alone.

Yep, let all her friends know that she is trying to break up a family and take a father away from his kids. They might not even care, but maybe it will make her uncomfortable enough.

.:|

I think I would leave out the fantasy part, but that is just me.

alright, will do, thanks--appreciate it.

Changed it to "My husband needs help in realizing the importance of his wife and two children."

will let you know about the refund issue and how it blows up when everyone gets their emails! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Please do let me know. I'm curious about the refund, because I ALWAYS tell people here to go to the MB weekend, or to get the counseling here. If there is a problem with refunds, I will change my advice.

You are doing very well. Stay in Plan A, and don't give up. You are standing for your family.

Couple scenario questions:

He was still upset this morning about me calling her and for the first time in 11 years (actually more if you count engagement time) he refused to go to church with the family. I asked a couple times, in my oh so sweet voice (it helped that the kids got ready quickly today as well <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> and just said, "okay, we'll see you later!" He was gone when we came home and he hasn't been home since. I tried calling once and left a voicemail that basically said "We love you, bye!"

...but now, I wonder if I should call again or just wait until he comes home?

If he comes home, do I ask where he was all day?

If he says 'with her' what should my response be?

If he doesn't say, do I ask for more information until he tells me? ..or just be satisfied with whatever lie he tells me?

If he doesn't come home, is it time to put plan B in action?

Thanks so much,
DW

I'm sure he is with her, so I wouldn't worry about it. Continue living your life, and keep exposing. It is best to do all of the exposing all at once if possible.