Okay, so he's still not home. He called once, but didn't leave a message--just caller ID, missed call. I called back, but no answer, didn't leave message. What do I do when he finally comes home?

I am furious (how can a grown man pick a teenager over his wife and two kids????) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />, but I probably shouldn't act that way. How should I act? Like nothing is wrong...but wouldn't that cause him to think that I am accepting his behavior? Or upset, but not crazy upset...just cold shoulder upset?

This is a power play to shut you up. Continue exposing, and be sure to get legal advice to protect your family.

I'd make the letter very brief and very factual. "My husband is having an affair with XXX."

There is no legal deterrant to an affair. People find it all very understandable.

I would recommend you set an end date for exposure. Reach the main people and then stop. Offer to attend the MBW with him. Don't pressure him.

His tawdry life just got put in the sunlight. He can still decide to go with the OW. There is a woman who actually got her husband on the Dr. Phil show, and he ended up deciding to go to the OW. Exposure doesn't force him to decide to be with you. Exposure just forces a decision out of him. He can no longer sneak around.

If there's one thing I've learned from all of this, it's that I cannot stop an affair. It is up to your husband to end it. You merely force a decision, but it's still his decision to make.

Cherishing

Thanks, C, you're right, I might have been a bit too emotional in the letter. I emailed her friends, but that probably won't do any good. I emailed his two female friends/co-workers that I know. In fact, one of them actually 'liked' him and talked about him to the extent that her husband got upset, but according to my H nothing happened and besides he says, she's 15 years older :| . I simply sent them the letter. I emailed the cell phone director to see if I could get a copy of the bill as well (He recently emailed her to obtain a copy) I have not heard a response yet, but that's okay. I really don't need it. ...although I am a little worried tomorrow if the cell phone director contacts him and he gets upset because he seems to receptive today...I do feel badly that he may lose more respect in his office....

Okay, last night: He said he went to the office, worked on his big project that's due on Tuesday and then went to play basketball. He says he did not talk to OW or see her all day. He said he had only talked to OW once or twice (hmmm...he supposedly can't remember specifics or won't tell me, yeah...) since she came back from out of the country. He said what does it matter, I wouldn't believe anything he said, and that I should check up on him without him knowing because he doesn't want to know when I do. I did check up on that basketball story and he was with the guys for about 6 of the hours...the other hours I don't know.

I told him that I knew he hadn't seen OW during the winter break because of his actions and was starting to build trust again, but when he went back to work I could tell he had spoken to her--which ended up being true... I told him if he had nothing to hide he should have told me about the phone calls. He said he didn't want to tell me about the phone calls because he called OW and she didn't call him. Supposedly, OW no longer wants to date him if he's not single. Yeah, right....

He said there's no point on going to the retreat. He doesn't think it's going to help. He says he doesn't even know if he wants to date OW anymore...he actually just wants to be single and date around. He wondered if OW would still date him if she knew he didn't want a long-term relationship. His real desire is to be single, go to work, be respected at work, exercise, play ball, watch tv, sleep and start the day again. He doesn't want any responsibilities...although he realizes he has them, he wishes he didn't.

I told him that if he wants to leave and be single, go ahead...I won't stand in the way. He said, "Do you want me to leave?" I said, "I want you to be a husband and father to our family....but if you want to leave, it's up to you." He kinda just said, hmmm... I asked him what was keeping him at home....he didn't respond. He basically loves me as in he cares about me and the kids, but he doesn't care really to be with us. Hmmm, honestly, I really don't want him in this bachelor state of mind, so if he chooses to leave, i think i'll be okay with it...i know eventually he will fall flat on his face and hopefully wake up to reality and if that is what it takes, so be it...

Surprisingly I kept my emotions in check and allowed him to talk, acted more like an understanding friend than a scorned wife, so did plan A pretty well last night.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ...he actually told me about some of his insecurities and stuff......although he also told me he thought he could probably land almost any woman if he wanted to--he even challenged me to pick someone out to see if he could get her..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> huh???? ....what is going on his mind???

Well, this morning he ate with us (no school today) and left for work (on his day off) to work on his big project. He did talk with us for a while since my DD got a significant role in a production she just auditioned for and so there was excitement in the air. So, he left in a good mood and I was pleased because it was the most interest he had shown in DD for a while. I asked him to call every few hours...he called once---about 5 pm and said he should be home around 8. (PST)... When he called I asked him to reconsider the retreat because even if it doesn't help, I'd like to go to just see what they say and maybe learn something. Would he consider going with me just to see what they say? He hesitated and then conceded... hmmm, hopefully he won't change his mind before next Friday.

So, a minor victory...he's going to the retreat again... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Plan A back in action, hopefully the emails won't upset him too much....I wonder how much of what he said could be true?....Do you really think it's ending?.... or am I just being hopeful and not real... I guess time will tell.....

I doubt that the affair is ending. He is trying to throw you off track.

But you are doing very well. It is important to stay in Plan A, and have pleasant (GAG) talks with him.

He is way out there in his thinking, but not unusual. These WS's come up with all kinds of crazy ideas - OW and wife being best friends, polymourous relationships, and on and on.

Thanks, b, for the encouragement.

Yeah, I wonder what makes a WS crazy... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />... I should have told OW that my H wanted to move her in a second wife with me as alpha wife. Maybe that would have scared her off!

LOL - They DO get a little crazy. Maybe you should have told her that!!! I think alpha wives get all the power and respect, and the 2nd wife gets stuck with the cleaning. But what do I know?

That's actually what he said I could do with her, because she told him that she loves to cook and clean. Maybe I should've taken him up on the offer!!!

BTW, didn't get to ask about refund and couldn't find anything online about the refund policy...but i guess it's moot now since we're going again... but I do wonder what the policy is...

It would be nice to know what the refund policy is.

It is strange how much alike all the WS's are. That is what makes this program so great. People come here with all kinds of crazy stories, and find out that others have gone through the same thing.

Your husband really didn't get angry enough after exposure. So I'm not trusting him right now. Just keep Plan A'ing, and hopefully the two of you will make the MB weekend. At least then you can get the free aftercare.

Maybe I'll call tomorrow and find out since there is still some uncertainty there. I'll let you know what they say.

Yeah, someone should make a list of crazy things WS's say during their crazy period. It is good to know I'm not alone.

I do still wonder what really is going on with H... I am hoping to make it to the MB Weekend, especially for the aftercare--that is why I chose this over 'A New Beginning' although I heard that program was good as well. The aftercare in that program was to enroll in another program, which I didn't think my H was going to do...with MB the aftercare is included.

BTW, he's already late...

There is a thread on crazy things WS's say. I'll look for it.

Sorry he is late. I would be expecting them to remain in contact. He is trying to placate you. He doesn't want more exposure. Keep watching carefully, and stay in Plan A.

Thanks, guess I'll go get dinner in the fridge...and focus on getting emotionally geared for Plan A! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Truly thanks, b, and to everyone on this forum, you are truly a blessing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Talk to ya later!

Just checking in... I was the one who wanted to attend the MBW, after having listened to Harley's radio show and read all his books. I thought I understood the program, but the person who changed as a result of the weekend was me.

I'm glad you're going. Harley has said on the radio show that a number of people who are at the seminar are people who are still involved in an affair but their spouses found out about it. The material may take time to sink in for your husband if he continues seeig the woman, but it still can be valuable for both of you.

Cherishing

Thanks, C, wow, I would love to hear more of your story and how it helped you.

Last night, he finally came home around 10:30 pm. He said he stopped by a fast food place to eat and then came home. He said he ate by himself....hmmmm.... don't quite know if i believe him...oh well, guess it really doesn't matter if i believe him or not. He hadn't finished his project so he asked for coffee (I made him some, oh so sweetly <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) and he stayed up to finish the project. I don't know what time he finally went to bed. This morning he seemed a bit distant, but gave me a kiss goodbye and left for work. I just said, 'Good luck on the presentation!'

So far, he hasn't said anything about the retreat. Although this morning I couldn't log on the wireless internet at home...it was working well last night but I saw he was eyeing my laptop when he came home. He had previously been upset at me for emailing...I am wondering if he had something to do with it, or if it's just a fluke. I can connect to other connections, but not our home one. He is the computer techie, I am not.

Just hanging in there...looking forward to the retreat, wondering if we should go a day early (thursday). The event starts on Friday. C, was it too stressful to try and get to the event on time with a flight on the same day? Do you suggest going a day ahead?

Thanks, DW

Having a tough day today with Plan A, good thing I've hardly seen him or talked to him today. Saw OW's myspace profile again saying she's 'Bi'...and remembered WH's response saying she must have just been fooling around with it, she's really not...defending her. I probably should not have checked up on her....I just wanted to make sure he wasn't listed as a friend, but now her myspace site is set to private. ..and I think I got caught up today in trying to figure out when or when he wasn't lying to me lately....and unfortunately it seems he was lying more than he was not...

Any advice on staying in Plan A when the desire is low? Just try not to think about it and do what I'm supposed to do?

B, I remember you saying that losing respect is what finally did your marriage in. Any advice in not losing respect?

I am continually losing respect for him....and I just read your post on finding the man you want to marry, and I am holding back tears... (I am in a cafe using their internet connection while the kids have activities tonight)

I think it would be so easy for me to forgive him and start respecting and loving him again IF he would just act like a man!

You might need to go to Plan B sooner than later. I stayed in Plan A too long.

The other night it crossed my mind that your husband could have installed a keylogger - I forget what you said, something about him watching the computer. I hope you check for one. He could be reading everything on your thread.

Yeah, actually that thought has crossed my mind more than once. I no longer use the home computer (just my laptop but connected to our home wireless network), but I previously did, so he might have my passwords. I just posted on "erased history..." thread because he somehow knew who i bcc'd on an email. How do I check for a keylogger?

I think Melody answered on your other post.

WH has said he's leaving again.

I had called her sister last week to see if the number that came in on his cell phone was hers...it was. The OG's sister has contacted the university saying they are still in contact with each other.

I had emailed the cell phone director to see if I could get a copy of WH's cell phone bill. In hindsight, maybe I shouldn't have, but at the time, WH had just lied saying he couldn't obtain a copy when in fact he had just asked the director if he had nights and weekends free and if he could get a copy for himself. (I had checked his email) When I asked if I could see a copy of his cell phone bill, he lied and said he couldn't get one. So I emailed her myself asking for a copy.

These two events have caused WH to receive further disciplinary action at work. The sexual harassment suit was contingent on him eliminating any contact with her. He is now blaming me saying that I have caused him to possibly be fired and that he no longer wants to have anything to do with me. He says he had only talked and that the affair was not continuing....that I have caused all this trouble in his life even when he was no longer in an affair. I told him that he had promised 'no contact' and I was simply exposing the truth.

They are now looking into his cell phone bill to see if there was maintained contact. If there was, he may be terminated.... but there was contact...which is why he's saying I am getting him fired....

I do feel guilty, I was just trying to expose the truth, but now I think I may have done irreversible damage...to him, to me, to our marriage....

I'm not even sure what to pray for....I just need help....don't even know what to do....

(BTW, spybot found the keylogger program on my desktop...it was there. Good thing I hadn't been using that computer lately...)

Okay, when exposed they are all FURIOUS. This is normal. They will say things like you went too far, you are crazy, how could you, it was none of your business, they were going to work on the marriage, but now they aren't, and my favorite - they will never trust you again.

He should get over it in a couple of days as he is scrambling, worrying about his job. I promise you, you did the best thing to save your marriage and family.

This will most likely END the affair. The onus is on him. He is the one who continued contact.