He now says he is leaving me; and he and OW were just seen together by OW's sister. (BTW, the sister says she didn't contact the university...hmmm, was he lying?) He is FURIOUS! I was stupid enough not to change my email password when I got suspicious about the keylogger program and now he has logged into all my email accounts and changed my passwords. He says he never wants to see me again. If he leaves me then I can't destroy his life. I did tell him that he was the one who continued contact and the university would not have a case if his cell phone records showed there was no contact, but unfortunately they do. I'm afraid of what he's going to do...

I did email him the Plan B letter, although I don't know if I should have...I may have jumped the gun...

What do I do now???

BTW, MB's does give refunds for the retreat...which is good, but unfortunately i used travelocity to make the plane and hotel reservations and they don't give refunds <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Calm down. We have seen a lot worse before. He is just angry at getting caught.

Before all of this, I was suspicious because he didn't seem to be angry enough. He was just trying to protect the affair. You are not destroying his life, he is.

Maybe you should use the reservations for a mini-vacation.

DW:

OK:

Where are you at? Plan A? Plan B? Plan D? Plan FU?

You are all over the place. You SHOULD NOT have sent the plan B letter, because you were not ready to go there.

You pulled the pin on the hand grenade and was blowing up the A. If not today, then soon.

All his actions were going to be called into account, by others. His job is threatened, and he might get terminated.

This is usually a strong wake up call.

1. Might lose job because of OW.

2. OW doesn't want unemployed WH with Child Support Obligations.

3. Gee, WH is almost 40! what am I thinking!

4. The lawyer tells me I can sue for millions, but I have to ignore him. See YA!

And where are you at?

Sending a plan B letter. Where did that come from?


So.

Slow down.

WH is furious. And will continue to be that way for a while.

You tell him to go with you to the MBW and just learn. He will see much in himself.

You will too. Maybe more. And then you might have a shot at saving this M.

Tell him to tell his employer that he is doing this to end the A, and fix his M. He might not get fired that way.... You send an email to WH and his boss, etc, confirming it.

And for the record, I went to the MBW 8 weeks after Dday. And the A was over on Dday. There were people at that Weekend who were deeply in conflict during the weekend. Due to A's, addictions, and other things. But it really worked. But both partners need to commit. Either during or soon after....

"Tell him to tell his employer that he is doing this to end the A, and fix his M. He might not get fired that way.... You send an email to WH and his boss, etc, confirming it."

LG - I always respect your advice, but do you think this is a good idea? The affair was exposed to employer to end it. The affair is still going on.

B:

If employer is going to fire him, doesn't matter.

If employer is weighing his options, then it might sway employer to keep WH employed.

DW should make sure that she tells WH that she will send it to employer.

LG

I see what you are saying.

But the point of exposing is to have him face the consequences of his affair with a student.

Of course, now OW's sister said she DIDN'T notify the university. So he is probably not telling the truth to keep DesireWisdom from telling. Who knows?

Any updates, DesireWisdom? I've been thinking about your situation all night.

Hey, thanks for the thoughts...i have to admit i'm a bit of a mess.

WH did have a keylogging program installed on our desktops at home...not on my laptop though. I inhibited the programs but am still worried about using them, because i know he can remotely have access to the computers somehow. i am even a bit fearful of using my laptop, but i guess i'm taking a chance. so i can only respond when i'm not at home...although i can read messages...i just don't want to log in. i know i have logged in previously and he could be reading this right now, but i guess i'm taking a chance...i really could use the help to stay stable...

WH does not want me to email, contact university or anyone else for that matter. He used my passwords to log into all my email accounts and has disabled me from using them. He did change the passwords back but not until after he had read all my emails. I had asked him not to read my journal entries, but I don't know if he complied.

He is upset because he said the affair was over because they 'only talked'. He thinks of the affair as only physical and the fact that they talked in the last couple weeks didn't mean they were still 'seeing' each other. Maybe if he is reading this, someone can explain to him that 'talking' is still keeping the affair going....

If I don't contact anyone, he will go on the retreat. So, yes, I do feel like it's a bit like blackmailing, but it looks like we're going again...hopefully we'll both learn something.

He still says he's leaving...so don't know exactly what's going to happen...maybe he'll take action after the retreat...either good or bad.

So it seems we are in limbo...

Did you see the comments on my post?

well, no you won't "learn" anything if the only reason your H is going is to blackmail you into silence so he can continue his affair. If you want to save your marriage, you need to expose the affair, DW, and stop ENABLING it. You hide his affair at your own expense and that is nothing that a weekend retreat can compensate for.

Secondly, if your H were sincere about saving your marriage, he would stop the affair and go on the retreat regardless. That ain't happening for a very good reason.

Its all up to you, DW, no one here can force you to help yourself.

Oh, never mind my argument about the retreat. I just saw that he is "leaving" you because he got busted with the OW again so he wasn't going anyway! In that case, you have NO REASON not to call up his employer NOW and expose! EXPOSE the affair, DW!

OK...here's my thoughts.

Quit letting him blackmail you with the retreat. If he goes with the mindset he's got right now, that retreat is going to be worthless to you anyhow.

Calm down, and take stock.

He's pushing you to quit communicating with anyone for a REASON. That's because you're totally messing up his affair. YOU need to remember that none of this is YOUR doing...it's all his. If HE had stuck to NC, AS HE PROMISED BOTH YOU AND HIS WORK...none of this would be going on right now.

If he violates NC, you allow him to suffer the consequences of those actions, and make sure that he hears from you clearly that it's a result of HIM not doing what he was supposed to...it's got nothing to do with anything about YOU.

Break off this garbage agreemant about no more communication and he'll go to the retreat...it's a dangerous and foolish promise that only allows him to continue his affair.

You've set good boundaries, with good consequences for violating those boundaries...keep that going. Plan A is carrot AND stick...keep up the loving and carrying, along with the exposure.

Mel,

You and I need to quit agreeing all the time like this...people are going to start to talk!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I have lots of questions.

Is there a reason you aren't removing the keylogger program from home computers? Alternately, can't you use your laptop (which you say is clean) for all of your email, journals, etc? Why are you concerned about using your laptop at home? Can't you encrypt all of your journals, etc?

Your WH sounds awfully controlling and exceedingly arrogant, even for a WH. Some of his words and actions you’ve relayed to us on your other thread sound very much like a psychological ploy known as “gaslighting.” He's trying to intimidate you by convincing you he'll lose his job (among other things) and, oh by the way, it’s not really an affair and they're just talking. I'd bet he's trying to convince you that you're insanely jealous (if not clinically insane) for believing otherwise. How close am I? Look up "gaslighting" on Google or here at MB and you'll find a lot of educational material.

I’m still concerned about some of the things you’ve said about the interaction between your husband and your children. Do NOT allow him to damage your son, or your daughter, with anyemotional abuse. The examples you site ARE emotional abuse and he must stop it now. Don’t make excuses for him. He needs to understand you will not stand for abuse. Talk to your attorney about things you can do to stop that nonsense. If you have to, file for a legal separation or divorce to separate your WH from his victims. You must protect those children. Do it.

I urge you to never be reactive. Instead, be proactive. There’s a huge difference. Right now, you’re letting yourself be pushed into a corner where you’ll have to accept anything he does as a fait accompli.

I’m not clear on whether you’ve exposed this obscenity to the university or not. Have you done that by sending a formal letter to their Human Resources Director? I can’t imagine any university not having a policy restricting contact between staff members and students. Push this. It will smash the affair to shards and probably very quickly. If you haven’t already, send a letter by registered mail and/or go to the HR Director personally. Don’t shrink from this, okay?

Alrighty, here's the scoop...btw, gosh I do sound pretty pathetic and like my situation is grim...I didn't really realize it and I guess in my mind I felt pretty okay with things...well, not devastated anyway...I felt like things were kinda under control....well, more like I was in control over myself... I've never thought of myself as a weak person, although reading back I'm not sure.

Well, about the keylogger program. I ran spybot and it found them and deleted them. However, because he is a computer techie and I am not I fear he has something installed that spybot did not find.

Real quick, I only have about 10 minutes...

He says he knows everything is his fault. He says he just wants me to admit that I made it worse by exposing it again to his work. When I emailed the cell phone director, I did put that I was requesting it because he was engaged in an affair. They are meeting next week to discuss his 'punishment'. He said he took my email accounts and changed passwords by the advice of someone from the university to ensure I don't tell more people and make it worse for him...most likely by his boss, an assistant vc, who was the one that initially told him not to even tell me... He did give me access back last night.

In terms of our son, he has barely interacted with both the children recently...although I do see your point about DS's mental health. When H is mean, I do worry and it is enough to take a stand, however, since in the last few weeks there's hardly been any interaction I guess I'm trying to focus on him and our marriage, hoping that in due time he'll want to be a father.

Well, gotta go, but thought I'd do a quick update...will check back in later...

BTW, thanks all, really really appreciate y'all!!! ...and sometimes I do need it told to me straight!

oh no, you made it better. You made it worse for his affair. And he made it worse for himself by having an affair. So, of course you wouldnt admit that you "made it worse," that would be silly. Keep exposing his affair, DW, until you kill it. You have all the power here.

Did he explain to you why he was with the OW yesterday, even though they are not in contact?

I'm copying your post, so your story stays on one thread. Sorry I got it off on another one.

"Alright, the truth has come out...He has just told me that he lied about...well, pretty much everything. Although he doesn't see it as lying...

The cell phone director did not call him yesterday. She called him last week saying he was over in minutes usage. The assistant to his boss told him that there was a meeting regarding his cell phone next Friday. He says his boss told him there was a meeting...I don't know if that's true or not--he could just be saying that because he checked his boss' email or the assistant told him.

The meeting did not specifically say anything about the suit, simply it was about WH's cell phone usage. WH assumed it had to do with my email. The only reason he knew about the email was because of the stolen passwords that he used to access my email (i hadn't deleted them out of my sent box) Granted I did send it, I know for a fact that his boss, who I cc'd did not receive his copy--it went into his junk folder--I knew how to check his email as well because WH has told me he had access--I checked and actually deleted from his junk mail folder myself when I started to feel guilty he was going to receive it) The way my yahoo account sends it messages; it looks like junk mail. There is only speculation whether or not she actually read it.

He was such a jerk yesterday making me feel bad about sending the email and possibly getting him fired; and then I guess he started to feel guilty and told me the truth...I'm assuming only half-truths.

I'm pretty sure he knows about these boards, but i'm not sure 'cause he hasn't brought it up. maybe he didn't know what is was logging in to...

I changed all my email passwords from another computer and now he's asking for all my passwords saying I should be honest with him if I want him to be honest with me. Should I give them up?

Here's what makes me the most upset. We were talking and during the middle of our conversation our son came and joined us. He continued the conversation and we kinda started talking in code, while our DS was kinda doing his own thing. Then it started getting heated so I told DS to go upstairs, but our conversation continues. In hindsight I should have stopped talking completely and not responded, but I didn't. WH then said that he was leaving, emphasizing that he had already said he was and he was going to. DS asked, "Are you really leaving, Daddy?" He said YES! DS started to cry, I gave him a hug and said Daddy's just upset, go upstairs. We continued the conversation, but now I feel guilty for not having stopped the conversation immediately when DS came down and heard WH say he was leaving.

Yeah, we're still going to the retreat, but I'm not quite sure what I want. Dr. Harley will need to work a miracle. I guess I figure even if we don't stay togther, I can say I gave it a try....and in the very least, have learned something that I can use in a future relationship."

Don't buy the giving him your password stuff. Couples should always be honest and have no secrets in marriage. However, when one person is having an affair, and is DISHONET and SECRETATIVE, the other person has the right and duty to protect the family by checking on things.

So the MB weekend is back on for now. He may change his mind again, though. I still would be planning for a little mini vacation in San Francisco if the whole thing falls through.

There must be a crack in my morals, because yesterday I was strongly tempted to tell you to forget exposure so that he keeps his job and if you end up divorced you will have a nice sum for alimony and child support. I know that is not the right thing to do. Hopefully others here will keep you on the straight path.