DW,

I want you to remember what was in the wife's part of the roles in marriage. Remember that your husband will be changed by your behavior. And you are doing all that God asks right now.

God said He has your back! Your husband may think he can run from God...but it is only an illusion. And the fact that he has a Godly wife that is willing to submit to him and do what God asks...and he continues to abuse her...is going to be doubly bad for him.

It is great you set up the lesson stuff. As I said, maybe you should also post on the MB weekend threads that we all have access to...so Dr. Harley can specifically address your issues. But understand this...if you do all you can do, and you are being that Proverbs 31 wife...God will come down and deliver you. Your husband is your head. But Jesus is his head. And Jesus does not like Proverbs 31 women being treated as you are being treated.

Have no fear! God will take care of your husband...you get out of the way! You do that by being the wife God has called you to be. He sees you!! He is well pleased!

okay, so i'm sitting here waiting for my WH to come home....but he's standing me up...


...wait, as i was writing this he actually called to say he was finally on his way home...hour late, but finally... he should be home in about 15 minutes...

...he doesn't want to do homework, he actually said he still doesn't know what he wants. Says he's only staying until i'm 'okay' with him leaving. Says we want different things--i want our marriage to work, he doesn't.

....hmmm, so when he comes home, i wonder how i'm supposed to act?

He may be in withdrawal, if there is no contact. Hopefully that is it. Stay calm and pleasant.

If there is contact, you will find out soon enough. I know it is hard, but try to stick with this. Withdrawal doesn't usually last long.

So he finally came home and we started the homework the other night, but we did not finish. I read aloud ch. 1 and 2 of the His Needs, Her Needs book and he listened, and we discussed it, but that was about it. He did say how I (me, not him) could see how the book related to us, how I saw us as John and Mary. He followed up this insight with a remark stating if ever asked, he was going to tell his unmarried friends never to get married.

In terms of the 15 hrs this past week, although it wasn't planned, I think (with Sunday included) we spent about 12 hours together. However, today he went off to do his independent behavior, he left around 2, probably won't be home until about 10...now, here's the dilemna: if I bug him about this, he'll definitely start the 'I'm leaving so don't bother me' speech again. If I leave it alone, because this is actually not new behavior (it has been going on for many years now--sunday nights were his 'basketball' nights), he might be willing to chat.

He says things like he wants me to be okay with him leaving so I can have the house and the profits from our rental (we currently have another property on the market) if he leaves. He keeps saying things like it's not about the stuff. He just feels trapped, he doesn't want to hurt me, but he doesn't want to be married. He doesn't want to be responsible to anyone else--a wife or kids. He wants to be able to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants...and actually if I allow him to do that in the marriage, he'll stay...but I've already expressed that marriage is a partnership, so that is why he says he wants to leave.

I've considered the possibility that he is in withdrawal and that these are all symptoms of it. It seems the real big love buster to him is the checking up on him--he sees it as a selfish demand. Of course, I see it as as dishonesty, independent behavior and a selfish demand. It seems it is a catch-22. I simply would like to know he has stopped the affair and then I could allow him to have his partial privacy again, however it seems he doesn't want to stay as long as I am checking up on him.

In the beginning of discovery he had stated things like he was never going to leave, did I really think we weren't going to work it out, and there was even talk of future plans. Now, he's saying things like he doesn't care to be married or be a father, he just wants to be left alone to do whatever he wants. Suddenly the family vacation we were supposed to plan is never going to happen--and he even says he doesn't remember agreeing to such things. This does have me worried. However, it seems that he is not yet actively taken any actions to leave.

...So, this has me wondering, if it is part of withdrawal or does he really intend to leave?

If he is not seeing her, we might have a chance and despite his resistance I would be willing to work on my end. If he is still seeing her, I worry that my efforts would be wasted and it could be the real reason that he wants to leave.

A positive, though, is that he actually went to church with us as a family today. It seems that because this was a past habit, he complied without much resistance. Although he did verbally express his discontent and even though I said he didn't have to go, he went <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It's hard to say. The problem is that you CAN'T trust him right now, because he has proven that he is not trustworthy.

He really sounds like someone having a mid-life crisis.

Was he ever a good husband?

Actually, I also think he's having a mid-life crisis, even though he's only 35.

He's been saying he's getting old, looking in the mirror, started going back to the gym regulary and wishes he were 24 again. He's been hanging around younger college age guys and his friend actually just got a Porsche 911 Turbo. He wants to get a new car as well...not as expensive he says, but something along the sport car lines. He's envious of the college guys that do whatever they want and date whoever they want. He says he doesn't think marriage will make him happy and he just wants to be happy. We were watching "According to Jim" and "Everybody Loves Raymond" the other night and he said he doesn't want to be like them.

I have seen signs of depression, but that could just signs of the affair. Or the affair could be a symptom of this mid-life crisis. Same plan of attack for mid-life crisis', though, right? Since the affair is what brought it all to light?

It seems now that 'we've made it' --finally achieved the 'American dream'--house, kids, white picket fence, and no longer struggling, he's thinking 'is this it?'

In terms of being a good husband, he has always been distant. We actually became one of those couples that barely fought because there was no conflict. No conflict because we were living two almost-separate lives.

MLC is somewhat different, in that they often decide that their wife and family is all that is holding them back. You might want to visit a MLC site too. But it goes away with time.

Really? I didn't realize that MLC was so different. Is anyone an expert in this?

I had thought that the affair caused all his changes, but it could be the other way around. It would explain the 'it's not about her', I just want to be alone and left to do my own thing mentality. He feels like his family is holding him back from being 'happy'. He doesn't want the responsibities of a wife and kids. He recently lost a contract from work and that could be adding to it...and last year, one of his good friends (he was a groomsman in our wedding) died in a motorcycle accident. Does this all sound more like MLC than 'love affair'?

Well, the thing is, lots of MLC people also have affairs.

I suppose your husband wouldn't consider anti-D's?

never brought it up...maybe...

...any advice on how to do this where he'll be open to the idea?

Beats me. I couldn't get my ex to take them. He was depressed/in a MLC long before the affair. I even told him I was worried that he would make a bad decision.

So he got with OW, spent all our savings, all his bonus, all his retirement, and we divorced. The affair is over and now he is REALLY depressed.

wow...scares me since i see you in a similar situation. Isn't your WH suicidal now?

Is your ex with the OW now?

No, they are not together anymore. I never got the low down on what happened. They split up about the same time our divorce was final.

I haven't talked to ex, but his son and daughters do come visit, and that is how I found out he is suicidal. He also took up heavy drinking during the affair, and he never used to drink. All this catches up with them sooner or later.

Sad that your ex still has not 'woken up'. He has not come to you and tried to reconcile? Has he found anyone else?

My WH actually started drinking for some time as well. After DDay1, he went and got a case of beer from Costco and was drinking a beer every night. This is from a man who only drank socially maybe a few times a year. This lasted about a month until he stopped to start his 'working out' kick. Now he's working on his body and stopped drinking coffee.

At one point, WH did say he was suicidal and thought about driving his car off the interstate, but really couldn't do it.

Shortly before divorce was final, WH came over to "talk about us". He couldn't believe that I didn't want him anymore. This is after 3 and a half years of this stuff.

At least your hubby isn't drinking. That is a real dead end road.

3 and a half years...I don't think I could last that long...I hope WH 'wakes up' soon...actually, I know I wouldn't be able to last that long.

Did your ex know he was going through a MLC? What was his explanation of his crazy behavior?

Is he still drinking heavily?

I have no idea what was going through his mind. His plan of attack was to lie about everything. They lived together all that time, and he will still not admit it.

Yes, he is still drinking, and feeling sorry for himself, telling everyone he ruined his life. It's all about him.

The lying is what is getting me most upset...he keeps saying he has no more reason to lie...and then another lie emerges.

Regarding the destructive path, yes, I'm afraid that's where mine is headed. He's already feeling sorry for himself, saying he's messed up, but he can't help it, he just wants to be happy. He never meant to hurt anyone, poor me with a horrible trapped marriage, and my wife only wants the best for the kids, not me, I sacrificed everything for them, now it's 'me' time... The victim mentality is emerging...

The drinking was what his father chose to run away from his responsibilities, numbed him from feeling anything...but its's awful, torture for everyone around him. I hope your ex comes to grips with his drinking. As you know, my WH's father eventually died to alcohol--and with massive debt. I hope my WH doesn't go down that path...

My WH is choosing isolation--no wife, no kids, just self. The whole I never had a father, I don't know how to be one, so I don't want to be one. Did your ex have problems with the kids as well?

Yours sounds a lot like mine. It is the MLC thing.

Mine was very close to his kids, and an excellent dad BEFORE I married him. That was one of the things I admired about him. He raised his kids alone until we married. Sometimes I think he was just looking for some help. I love kids and enjoy cooking and cleaning and doing all the mom things.

We were a very close family and did lots of things together. After D-day, it all fell apart. His kids see him occasionally, but can't count on him for anything. First he was always running with the OW, and now he is in the bar every night.

DW,

It is good he did at least some of the homework. And went to church. Although many times you cant see the progress, it is usually a very slow process. And many times, you cannot actually feel many positive things happening. But almost always they are.

Again, I dont want to minimize your situation. Your husband could still run. But as long as you continue to do the things you are supposed to, it will make it very difficult for him to do so.

He is in a bad situation, and he knows it. And in his mind, he thinks the only thing to do is to run. At least he can save you any more pain (at least that is what he thinks). But deep down, he knows none of that is true. Which is why he wants you to be onboard with his decision to run. He wants you to help him!

Dont help him! If he runs, let him do it. If he files, let him do it. Make it as hard as possible for him to jump ship. Just continue doing what you are supposed to do!

It was 5 years ago this April that I found out about the affair. It has been a rough road, with only the last 3 months showing finally that we have a way out and my wife has bought in.

Sometimes, it takes that long! Just keep trusting God and do your part. He will take care of the rest.