Good Morning DW! I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you...

H and I had a sitch were he came to me work to get my laptop, he was so angry, there were a few other incidents but I didn't get the opportunity to call the cops but I would have!

So, I hope that you don't have any hard feelings about your church friends doing what they needed to and the rest of the stuff that's going on...

It doesn't sound like you do but in case you had any doubts, I just wanted to mention that...my way of trying to add a little comfort...

I'm SO Sorry that your mom is not supporting you...it's a shame...YOu can do this...you can make it out the other side of this a better person then you ever thought...

I certainly hope that your H's friend goes back and just reams him...

Wishing you well! I'll be praying for you and your family!

DW,

If your Mom is going to be a part of this process, then you need to sit her down and educate her on this stuff. She is living in the past, when women had no way to combat this. You do!

So, it is time you begin to educate her on MB, on affairs, on marriage building principles. It will help you greatly if she is in your corner. But if she refuses to learn, refuses to come onboard...then you need to tell her that her comments are not welcome and she should keep them to herself. You dont need this kind of "help" inside your own "base camp."

Sure, your WH is angry! And he will blame you for all of this. while, it wont help a lot...I would write a letter to your BIL and outline what has happened. He may still "blame" you to your face...but he will less likely be an advocate for your WH if he knows the truth. The letter, with corresponding facts, will help to dissarm your BIL from being fully in your WH's camp.

Hang in there! This will be a tough road for awhile, but you will survive. Follow the Lord and do what is right. Try to get your PBL done this weekend, if you can. Then post it here so we can help you with it.

In the end, you will see that this was actually what was needed. Your husband could no longer remain on the fence. Let's see if thsi wake-up call pushes him the right direction. But either way, you are now freed from the abuse he was heaping upon you. And you now move forward to what may be the marriage you want. It took me 4 years of this mess to get to where Mrs. MM and I are now. Most dont take that long. But we are both glad now that I didnt quit.

Work on you. Pray. The Lord will take care of your husband now...you stay out of the way.

Thanks so much you guys for your encouragement!!!

So very much, it really helps...calm me, focus me...and keep me from retorting against my mother and my BIL. Seriously...thanks.

So, I finally called the OW's sister today and it seems she had been suspecting it. It also seems that her parents had said that they were going to deport her back to their country if they knew she was still seeing him. (She is supposed to get her citizenship next month...my WH was helping her...in fact, one of the items he specifically asked his friend to pick up yesterday was his citizenship/naturalization certificate...huh?)

Well, let's hope her parents keep to their word and deport her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ...okay, is that really awful of me to say? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

As it also turns out, this girl's previous boyfriend was abusive and also landed in jail...so I guess maybe the jailbird thing is something she likes.

In terms of schooling, I have been a SAHM for pretty much the whole time. I actually had my DD my senior year in college, so I have my BA Psychology, but I didn't take a salary job out of college. I took some full-time and part-time work after graduating through the university's temp agency, but I didn't really like leaving my DD at daycare. We struggled quite a bit in the beginning, but we learned to live very modestly. I only worked for about 7 mos. and then again for about 6 mos in 2000, right before my DS was born. I haven't been in the workforce since then.

This is why I was planning on obtaining a master's to be able to enter the workforce with a little bit more than just SAHM on my resume for the last 10 years. I don't even know what kind of jobs I would be able to get just having my BA right now. I had thought about teaching, nursing, seminary, going to pt school, and even counseling (of course, more school...but I don't know about the latter anymore...I am so emotionally drained, I don't know how I would be able to help others through something like this.)

I feel like I'm at a crossroads and I don't know which road to take. Funny, I feel like a kid again, being asked, "What do you wanna be when you grow up?"...and my response is, "I don't know!"

Okay, I just realized that I hadn't told you how much God's favor was upon me that day. God truly has everything planned out according to His plans and I trust that the end of this story will be nothing short of amazing.

I actually wrote this to some friends, but just realized I hadn't told you all how faithful God is.

So here is what I had wrote on Thursday (the day after--slightly edited):

---
...God has a plan...I know that the events yesterday were God orchestrated...

The couple days before this happened I was struggling immensely knowing that the affair hadn't ended. I was so tired emotionally that I had just kept praying, "Lord, YOU need to do something, I can't do it! I'm so tired! Lord, you make it happen!" I had known I was supposed to enact Plan B, but I was struggling with actually doing it. He heard me.

It was a HUGE blessing that it happened at church with about 20+ witnesses. After dropping off the kids at school, I almost went back home. I had made a pot of this new gourmet coffee and I thought I might have time to grab a cup before the meeting. In fact, I actually had time, but I decided to just go to the church early and grab something from the cafe. Just as I was getting out of the car, he drove in. In fact, he was the one that made such a commotion with his driving that people had already started to look even before he got out of the car.

This was a huge blessing. I know if I had gone home instead of to the church and the confrontation happened there, things would have been different. I don't know if I can say I would have filed charges and I probably would have given in to his demands. I don't think I would have called the police. With it happening with so many witnesses, others called the police and I myself didn't have to file the charges. I know where I was weak, the Lord stepped in and allowed all those there that day to help. I consider all those at the church that day a huge blessing.

Another blessing: Yesterday at the court house around 4pm, while I was waiting for the paperwork to be cleared and filed, I got word that he had posted bail and was about to be released. I asked the clerks to rush the paperwork, but they told me there was nothing they could do and I would just have to wait--they couldn't guarantee that he would be served in time. Well, at this time I realized that my parking meter had run out, so I went downstairs to feed the meter. On my way back in (i got a ticket by the way...oh well) the courthouse sheriff starting chatting with me. He had said that I looked familiar, and in fact he lived in the *** area and his daughter had gone to *** Elementary School, where my kids had gone to school before we moved. He asked what was going on with my case and I told him I was worried that my husband was not going to be served the restraining order before he got out of jail. He took a personal interest, looked up the case and then called the county jail to have him held for another couple hours. The jail complied and said they could hold him until 6pm. As it turns out, they forgot about him and didn't release him until 7:30. Praise the Lord, God really did place him there, and I thank God for telling me in this way that I am doing the right thing...

I don't know where he is now, but I am having issues with filing the legal separation. The attorney I had wanted to use cannot see me until the 27th and I don't think I can file these papers myself. I had wanted to use this really good attorney, but maybe I should be using someone else?

----

well, here's the update on the attorney situation...on Friday I was researching a few attorneys online and I googled the one that was supposed to be one of the best, but couldn't see me until the 27th. As it turns out, she is gay and avid in supporting the ACLU. So, the Lord prevailed again...I know some of you may take offense, but I think the Lord really didn't want any of the monies going to support this cause.

Well, later that day I was able to get in touch with another attorney...and she is awesome, actually a mom I had already known for almost 6 years...and I absolutely trust that she knows the Lord and will have my best interests at heart. So, God's providence reigns again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

DW - I really believe the Lord takes care of us BS's.

Two years ago when my WH was babbling about reconciliation, I was praying very hard for the Lord to guide my steps. WH was supposedly living alone, and one night I got a strange feeling. I asked the Lord to let me know what to do.

To this day, I feel that He was leading me. I got in my car, still praying "if there is something I need to know, please show me". I drove around our city, and FOUND WH's house. Our town has 200,000 people, and I had no idea where WH was living. On top of that, he lived on an easement in a less populated area.

I knew it was his house because his truck and OW's car were parked in the side driveway. I knocked on the door, his roommate let me in, and I caught WH and OW in bed together. I calmly left - I firmly believe that is what the Lord wanted me to see.

I still think about that day, and the chances of finding the house. It only took me about 20 minutes. Strange.

I think I may live near you. Let me know if there is anything I can do.

Wow, B, that is amazing...absolutely amazing since we live in a HUGE spread out city, he could have lived anywhere!

...and amazing that you may live near me...I'm in the RB area now....if that makes sense to you, then let me know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thank you for offering your assistance, I am sooo grateful to everyone at this website, especially to you since you've helped me out since I first reg'd on this site. BTW, if you are awake at 6:30 in the morning, my DD will be on TV doing a musical number from her production on KUSI. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ...I should probably erase this personal info after you read it...

Well, in terms of what is going on, not much. My parents went home yesterday, they had said that they would be back tomorrow, but I respectfully asked them to come later in the week. They already had plans to come down on Friday due to my DD's muscial opening night and I asked them just to stick to those plans. I hope she wasn't too offended...we need our time alone.

Oh, my BIL canceled his tix to my DD's show, supposedly to 'let H and I work on our marriage'. He emailed me to say he and his mom weren't coming down to watch her. I simply emailed back saying how disappointed my DD would be knowing that her uncle and grandmother were not going to come down... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Okay, OW's sister called me to forward secret phone messages to her father. Apparently he wants proof before he believes the sister, but if it is true, he told the sister that he was going to take her out of the country. My H already cancelled the phone so there no service and I don't know how to download it onto the computer. Oh well...I told him he can see it anytime, but he won't be back in the country until next month.

One more thing...I'm gonna need encouragement!

WH had his friend call me to see if he could call me. I told him no. He said he wants to call me to apologize and 'make up'. He says he misses me and wants to reconcile. I told him no, I'm gonna need proof over time. I can't say I'm not tempted to talk to him. I do miss him. When things were happening, I had the urge to pick up the phone and call him. ...but I've been warned by Dr. H and even by my attorney that they will try to reconcile, but if I give in now, more often than not, it is false. It doesn't last. I need to stay in plan B until it is certain he is on the road to recovery...but I can't say i'm not tempted... I think I need you guys to hit me with some 2x4's to tell me to stay put.

Now is the time to look for actions from your H (NOT the WS).

Don't count on the OW's deporting her. Good that they are thinking it but blood is thicker than water.

Expect the WS to start whining. Tell the 3rd party, that you need proof the A is over. Solid proof.

L.

DW,

How did you get the proof? Get whatever proof you have and get it to OW's sister and father. Don't take no for an answer. Do you still have the phone? Get a SIM card reader and get software to extract deleted info off the card. Here is your chance to bust up the A and get NC. Take advantage of this opportunity!!!

DW,

No time to post right now. But I want you to do two things. first, get your PBL ready...now. Since your husband was like that, he is gonna push hard on your boundaries. So...get it ready.

Second...you send word back thru his friend that he must contact Steve Harley and get an appointment (or with Dr. Harley if he is available!). Tell his friend that this is NOT negotiable! That he must begin working with the Harleys before you will even consider contact or any type of reconciliation!

More later today...

I like Jim's advice. If you don't know how to do it, get some computer geek to help. I would also get a copy of the police report.

I don't know where OW is from, but I've seen parents send grown children to their home country when they were making bad choices. That is common in other cultures.

By the way, I live in Oceanside.

Hang in there and stay dark. You hold all of the cards now, so don't give up your power.

DW, it sounds like you're doing well in a very tough situation. Stay dark and strong. Give an update when you get a chance.

I live in Carmel Valley (but my WW's OM lives in Oceanside).

Any update, DW??

Bump

Hi y'all,

Thanks for the thoughts. Sorry, I haven't been able to update, we've been busy with daily rehearsals for my DD's upcoming production...a good busy, though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


I took pictures of the secret phone's info and emailed them to OW's sister on Tuesday. She said she was going to email them to her father. I haven't heard anything yet. Most likely, the father will confront the daughter, who will tell my H what I did, and we will see the response. If my H is truly remorseful, he should not be upset with me...we shall see. ..unfortunately, i think that he will be upset...but he won't be able to contact me to yell at me...


One positive, though, my H contacted the counseling pastor at our church to meet with him yesterday. It is the same pastor who has been helping us since november, so hopefully he kept the meeting and is possibly starting to get on the right path. It was me, though, that gave the numbers to the third party asking my H to contact a counselor...but hopefully he will continue to meet with him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


I realize that there is nothing I can do or say now to change his heart. He needs to do this process on his own....I can only pray. Hopefully, he will take this time to allow God into his life... It definitely has been a lot more peaceful with him away, it is time that I definitely needed. The stress of wondering if he is being truthful or not is gone and it is something I NEVER want to have to endure again, so I will be patient to allow God to work on him for a while......I have faith that there will be a testimony in the end... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


BTW, hey sdguy and b, do you ever listen to jeff and jer? if not, they did this thing a little while back where they had a listener who had never seen them, go to a sketch artist and draw what he thought they looked like. they were saying that once you meet the person, you're almost always disappointed with what they look like...funny, i was just wondering what you guys looked like <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> ...and what you thought i looked like... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> okay, don't think about that too much...it's likely to be disappointing ..hah...

Just keep doing what Dr. Harley has advised. It will pay dividends. And dont be a stranger here!

Check out the marriagebuilders photo album here. There are pictures of lots of us.

I'm happy your husband is going to church counseling. Mine, even though he was a long time, strong Christian, never did.

Just FYI, here is Dr. Harley's plan of reconciliation for us:


Your plan for reconciliation should include three elements:
1. An agreement to never see or talk to the lover again, with extraordinary precautions that involve changing the conditions that made past contacts possible;
2. An agreement to begin a program of anger management that would allow you to monitor his progress -- that contact between both of you would begin with email, followed by telephone calls, followed by dates, followed by time spent together at home but not overnight, followed by an overnight together, followed by a weekend together, followed by a week, and then eventually eliminating the order of protection;
3. An agreement to follow the courses that you began after the Marriage Builders Weekend. The point of all of this is that reconciliation will require a change of behavior that is to be monitored over a long period of time. The goal of the change is to create a successful marriage, and the elements include assurance that the affair is over, that angry outbursts are completely overcome, and that you will be building a romantic relationship that will last a lifetime.


I am actually excited to start implementing the plan. Hopefully, my H will have the endurance to follow through--and hopefully he has stopped all contact with the OW. It seems like it will be a slow, but rewarding process and I told the third party yesterday to tell my H he should look into renting an apartment or a room. He was staying in his office but could no longer stay there. I guess he was thinking that he was coming back into the home on the 8th (the court date). I told the third party that expect about 6 months...a total guess, but I hope this doesn't scare him off and think it's not worth it. If it does, then I guess it shows his insincerity....hopefully, though, now that he's meeting with a counselor, he can be encouraged to stay strong.

BTW, where is the marriage builders photo album? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I bumped a post for you entitled "MB Photos" that will tell you where it is. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The pictures are awesome...great to put a face to a name!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> You are all so darling! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sorry, long update...I don't get to post as often lately...

My H has asked for access to the private forum, so he will be looking for my posts--i'm sure he'll see the private posts....I post under a different name here, so he may or may not find these...but if he does, he will see that my desire is ultimately for reconciliation but I will not stand for any more adultery. (there might have been some venting....but hey, it's better i vented here than at OW or H...but I have to admit, the thoughts might have crossed my mind :P but of course, I wouldn't ever really do anything) My H gets upset when I tell anyone of 'our private problems' but I think he needs to realize that it is an anonymous forum and the advice given is always ultimately for reconciliation and not bashing. Maybe he'll post...


There was some question as to whether or not I was going to extend the order of protection, but Dr. H, the couseling pastor and the attorney all say I shouldn't lift it quite yet. All have advised me that it is too soon to tell if he is indeed sincere in his intentions to reconcile. I hope my H will see that there is a method to the process and it takes time; that he needs to show his sincerity in stopping the affair and rebuilding a marriage.


I am extremely excited, though...Dr. H has taken a personal interest and will be speaking with my H first and then me this weekend to see if he can help us through this immediate crisis. God bless him...what a blessing Dr. H has been, truly I am amazed a what a wonderful heart Dr. H has, to be willing to help us. I am extremely hopeful and truly believe there will be a testimony to share. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> [--this is a shameless plug for going to the MB Weekend---but, wow...what a blessing this is! --]


I did have some emotional downs the other day as the secret cell phone's alarm kept going off and I finally realized it was because of the scheduled event on the 21st....their sexual anniversary is on 9/20/06 and the alarm was going off for a number of days; it is set to go off every month. Of course then I saw again all their text messages to each other and pictures of themselves on the phone. This is a reminder to me to be patient and not rush things...a reminder that I don't ever want to have to go through that again.

The OW's sister also called me the other day to give me an update and told me that she knew of their anniversary because the day that we had that meeting in January (remember with the OW, OW's sister and their father to discuss the affair and that he would ensure that it ended?)...well, that meeting occurred on the 21st, the day after their 'anniversary'. The sister said that the OW had a "huge, about a $100" bouquet of flowers in her room. The OW's present to him was the pair of 'secret cell phones' so that they could communicate. So, they had in their possession these phones when we had the meeting to prove they were over...and in fact, they had these phones even when we went to to the MB Weekend. ...ugh...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Well, the OW's sister also told me that their father is telling the OW that she needs to transfer to another school in the bay area where their aunt lives if he is going to continue to support her. He is not in favor of his daughter ruining a family. We'll see if this happens...

They are also telling me to not take him back because apparently when they were talking to him that day of the 'meeting' my H was telling the father that he plans on divorcing me and calling OW. He was telling them that the demise of our marriage was not because of the adultery, but because the only reason I wanted him was for monetary reasons and that it was a loveless marriage. (hah!) The father said that he should stay and try for the sake of the kids, but my H told them his bit about not having a father, so he didn't need to be one. This reason is why the sister and their mom are telling me that he's not worth it. I'm wondering if my H's attitude has changed or if he's just masking it until I allow him back into our lives.

I'm sure OW has contacted my H about this revelation that her father knows that she was continuing the affair...I'm sure she's playing victim....I am wondering how my H has handled this....he should actually have ignored the contact... I guess this is the first test of his sincerity. Previously he would have been FURIOUS at me for exposing the truth of his mistress' lies...but I guess we'll see if he sees the truth this time...


Funny, I actually saw the third party Thursday in the dentist's office... He has the same dentist and actually had an appointment on the same day. He said that initially my H was asking about us, but hasn't asked about us in the last week...in fact, I had asked my H some questions regarding bills and stuff and he still has not responded yet. I'm wondering if this has anything to do with him keeping in contact with OW? I guess by his actions, we'll see....

A positive, though, is that my H has another appointment with our church counselor. He is questioning the existence of God and relevance in his life, so I do see this as partly a spiritual battle....so prayers please for the salvation of his soul.... He does have it in him to become a wonderful man...i pray that he becomes humble enough to realize that God does want the best for him, that God does love him and cares for him, that God is the ultimate Father...to stop running away from God and face Him... Even if we don't reconcile, I do see his salvation as more important.

It is my time now to step back and allow God to work on my H for a while. In the meantime, I will work on myself, become a woman deserving of a father and husband that I am praying for.

Thanks y'all for listening...and caring....
DW