We had a pleasant evening on NYE and when I went o put our daughters to sleep, I dozed off for about an hour. I woke with a bad feeling and looked for my husband, only to go outside to find him having sex with my mother. They were both extremely drunk, no excuse in my eyes and it just happened. Me and my mothers relationship is not repairable, we jsut started fixing our issues and now with this, I cant forgive her. I know, for a fact, that she came onto him and instigated this. He should have walked away and I am so angry that he did not. In my heart, I feel like we stand a chance of fixing things. I told him that HE has to get counseling for himself (he is an admitted alcholic)and marriage counseling, as well as be tested for STD's. I also said that we will not even hug until I am ready. I just want to know, am I being a fool? He is truly remorseful and is willing to do whatever it takes to get through this. I know in my heart, that he IS sorry. I am just so torn right now and confused. Any advice would be appreciated. I do not think he would have said something the next day, but in time I believe he would have. He has trouble hiding things from mesorry is NOT enough and I told him that! Individual counseling for his alcoholism as well marriage counseling for us, testing for STD's and we will see if our marriage can be saved. He must respect my boundaries, which means no touching or kissing or hugging. Nothing until I feel I am ready and if I AM ready I will be the one to let HIM know. No pressure. I told him that this is going to be a long hard road we will have to travel and unless he is up for ALL the work that is ahead he needs to go. If I want to ask a million questions, I deserve my answers, because if it was not for him, we would not be in this place right now. My mother is dead to me, because the things she has done to me in the past...I was trying to forgive but this is the last straw.

Please, any advice would be extremely helpful

Insist that he go to AA. Now is the time, so he can't come up with any excuses not to. Your husband needs to stop drinking forever, and do it through a program where he goes to meetings. In the meantime, please go to Alanon.

so sorry for your pain. this is an extreme case.
nights are a little slow, but welcome and hang in there -- the pro's will be along soon.

you've got all the right ingredients if you want to save this -- he's immediately remorseful and willing to do anything to fix it.
unfortunately, I think you are exactly right to remove your mother from your life. sad.

I'm very sorry you have to be here.

I'm really not sure what to say. A betrayal is bad enough but to be compounded by it being with your mother must be bringing you unimaginable pain.

It sounds like you have set good boundries.

Maybe you should call Dr. Harley tomorrow on the radio show. The information and the link are on the top of the page.

I understand that with an alcoholic MB principles are not necessarily effective until the alcoholic is no longer drinking.

I think I would enforce my boundries and work on my personal recovery and prepare myself for a life without him. Only if he can meet all of your requirements, should you accept him back.

He says that AA is not going to help because he knows that the issues are deeper than that. He needs to work out his emotional issues, not listen to people discuss their problems. He knows that one drink and hes gone for good...no chance in ******. I told him the drinking stops now...I dont care who wants to come over and have a drink (mainly my sis and his family) If they wont come because they cant drink then screw them. Thank you for caring. You have no idea how much that means

That is not true. He doesn't want to go to AA because then he would need to stop drinking.

Go to Alanon and find out more.

see he's got it wrong. AA is a boundary for you. He complies or he's history. Don't give ground on that.

See, DarkAngel, what your husband wants to do is appear very sorry, (and I think he IS sorry), and then he wants to "work on" his emotional problems for several years. In the meantime, he will begin drinking again, and move on to the next ARI.

He did not have drunken sex with mom because he has emotional problems, he did it because he was too blasted to care what he was doing.

No, I think I explained wrong. He knows that the drinking is an issue and knows that IF HE DRINKS, goodbye. I know, from many conversations we have had, that there are a lot of deeper issues. He went to AA for a while and it did not help. He first wants to work out the issues that come out of him when he has been drinking, then wants AA to continue the healing. I sorta agree on the AA thing. I went to a couple of meetings with him a while back and I dont know if it is just the AA's in our area, but they seemed slightly judgemental and did not allow him to even speak. AA is not out of the question, but I agree with him about the counseling to figure out the underlying problem. When we went to the AA meeting there were a couple people that were drunk there! Sex with my mom because of emotional problems? Never meant to imply that. I know he was too blasted to care and was not thinking with the correct head. If he had been, he would have walked away.
BTW...what does ARI mean?

Oh, yeah. AA is non-negotiable. He can't work on his emotional issues until he quits drinking.

Al-Anon is probably one of the best things you could do FOR YOURSELF.

One of the best things I did for myself, as soon as I saw the problem, was to go to a co-addict 12-Step group. It helped me greatly.

Today, we went to a counselor he found. It was at a walk in clinic and they said to return in the morning, because there were not accepting anyone else for evaluation. He works 12 hr night shifts...6 to 6 (and yes I know for a fact that he is at work and he works with all men in a printing company) He wants to go at 8am when they open and already asked my sisters if they would mind watching the children. I told him that unless he is completely honestt with the counselor, he was wasting everyones time. He seems to truly want to get his life in order so we can work on fixing OUR life.

darkangel - let me get this straight. Your husband is an alcoholic, and now he has had sex with your mother? And you want to remain married to him?

But you don't want to "set the rules that he MUST follow?"

Let's just say that either you are an enabler, incredibly naive, or so insecure in your self that you think HOPE alone will work.

All that may sound harsh, so if it offends or pains you, I am sorry. But an alcoholic WILL NOT quit drinking for you, no matter what the ultimatum. Oh, they may stop for a while, but not forever. They have to change for themselves.

Add to that his having sex with your mother, and I have to ask you....what do you see in this man that is a "keeper?"

He's sorry? Sorry he was caught. Sorry he has to appear to want you for a WIFE, when all his actions say differently.

So why do you want him?

AA, if he is serious and if you DO want him, should be non-negotiable. YOU set the rules that HE must follow if he wants to remain married to you. He does NOT get to "pick and choose" what he "feels like." IC is good, but AA is another ESSENTIAL condition of your remaining married to him. YOU need to be Al-Anon so that YOU can get educated and not be a victim of more lies.

If you want to choose this very hard road of recovery, then use ALL the tools. Surrender NONE of them to him because you will have to fight with everything you have to MAYBE get the husband you always wanted.

Good luck with whatever you choose, but know that YOU are not defined by him, your mother, or anyone else. YOU are a good person no matter who you are around or who you are with.

God bless.

Fantastic post, FH!

Favorite part...



~ Marsh

Exactly as FH posted.

Your Husband and your Mother? eeeGad!!!!!!

A double betrayal like that would nearly impossible, if totally impossible, to deal with from my perspective. Sorry but I think they both need to get help and a real life. You and your DD's may need to move on because you can do much better without that in your life!!!!!!

Think about your DD's. If dad has no morals against being with your mother what does that mean down the road for your DD's. Think about being concerned for their welfare. I don't want to spell it out be but BeWARE!!!!!

My perspective FWIW.

ARI - alcohol related incident

DarkAngel, I am so saddened to hear what you have to go through.

How old are you? Do you have children? How long have you been married?

I am 25 with 2 daughters, been with my husband for 8 years. If you all think AA is that important, I will tell him to attend. I did not ask that, sorry if I implied that he refused...Thanks

just dump this A-hole. If this story is real... it would be ridiculous to stay married to scum bag that had sex with yoru mom. You are young and would do soo much better to just start over again.

Good MOrning!

((((((DA)))))

I just wanted to step in here and say that Al-anon will tell you not to make any changes in your life for a year. I am presently attending meeting, not because my FWH but because of my FOO issues. I can say that it has helped me greatly with the A and dealing with FWH. I completely recommend it.

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this in your life. I hope that you DO understand that you have choices in this matter and it is a matter of what you feel is right for YOU.

IMHO, I feel that you have set some healthy boundaries and are set in the right direction.

There are several great people here who are dealing with alcoholic Spouses that I hope step in also.

I have faith that you are doing the right thing...I hope that you continue to look after yourself and your DD...nothing is more important than the three of you.
Primary focus should be on yourself...which it sounds like you are doing...

If you take care of yourself...your girls will be okay...

As far as your WH, he's going to have to do the same thing...focus on himself and his recovery...at this point, words do not mean anything...actions speak louder and you ARE the only one that will see the TRUTH...

JMO, but I feel that you need a recovery program and highly recommend Al-anon!

Wishing you the best...supporting you all the way...knowing that you can do this...

(((((DA))))))