Hello all.

Well I have been in plan A for 6 months now. A little rocky in the beginning but the last 2 months I have done very well with it.

WW still seeing OM. There was a time I thought they were done. She responded to me well during the plan A and I would like to continue it but she filed for divorce many months ago and the final date is coming up Feb 27.

WW still says she does not love me and wants the D. I talked with Jennifer again about 2 weeks ago and she suggested I move to plan B during the holidays because it gives a good sense of reality to the WS. Sadly, I could not leave my 3 children during Christmas. Besides, I needed time to try and get my heart in sync with my mind. This is very difficult to do. I know it is time to change this thing up and time to protect my heart from her lies and betrayals but my heart is so hurt just thinking of plan B.

Well, after Christmas my WW turns up with diamond earings and a gold necklace that she claims she bought herself. She has not taken them off for a week. I know OM bought them for her and I can not stand to see them worn infront of me. Also, her family came to town this last weekend to go to the Chiefs game. I am sure the OM went and met her family. Then they all stay at my home for the New years, I cook them a wonderful supper of steak and crab legs. The whole time, I could tell the whole family was keeping things secret from me at my WW's request.

Which brings me to Plan B. I took the day off yesterday and packed up my personal effects. I plan on getting furniture and other stuff when the D gets closer. My kids were off school still and my 4 and 7 year olds followed me around asking what I was doing. As I boxed up my computer, clothes and effects, I could not tell them anything other than I was cleaning. It got late as my WW came home late, like normal, so I stayed with the kids and spent the night.

So today my plan is to go to my folks house and end my relationship with my WW.

Two issues I have, I have not explained anything to my kids and feel I must, and I have not done my plan B letter.

Is it acceptable to send the plan B letter days after you leave? How can I explain this to my kids? Without breaking down to them? I can't even talk about this talk I must have with them without breaking down and I am at work not face to face with them.

So I am taking it that the divorce is putting you out of the home? Is that correct? And that your wife has custody?

Alrey,

Believer's questions are very pertinent. Have you talked to your lawyer about leaving the house under these conditions? Are you going to concede physical custody of your children to your WW?

If that is not your intention you may be damaging your case for custody.

I understand very well how you feel about the jewelry, the apparent "support" your WW gets from her family, and the pain involved in even considering telling your kids.

There is only so much you can do to save your marriage. This is a good time for Plan B if you make certain you are not jeopardizing your chances for custody of your children.

Once you get away from her, you will start rebuilding your life little by little.

Believer,

To date we have worked out a parenting plan between our lawyers that she will have primary custody, I get the kids on my 2 days off each and every week, we both get two weeks vacation in summer with kids ect.

The home we just bought a year ago and neither of us can afford it alone. My WW has decided she wants to try but deep inside she knows she will have to sell it soon. Since I can not afford it myself, I have conceded it to her with the stipulation that if sold for a profit I get my share. With the market down and the second loan we took to pay off other debts, I don't see her coming out very well in this. Possibly a bankruptcy for her later.

Hiker,

Yes it is difficult to continue my plan A in the current situations. I actually could continue but her apparent acceptance of me in plan A seems most of the time to be a lie. She only does this to appease me and avoid any percieved conflict. She is still in the A, only more hidden now.

I just feel that now is the time to give her a plan B and a couple of months to feel the loss of my support before the D is final. Kind of my last ditch effort get her to see reality with out me.

I am at work but will check this thread off and on today. After work I plan on going to my home and talking to my 3 kids about why Daddy is leaving the home. I will not be there when my WW gets home. I will then put together my B letter and send it to her.

Any thoughts from people are apprieciated. As hard as plan A has been it accually seems easier to continue than go to plan B but I must change course before the D and see if it helps.

Is your WW still in the affair?

Why do you accept her having primary custody of the children?

Just curious?

HopeandPray,

For a time I thought she was not seeing OM anymore, but she reminded me that she was still seeing him after I asked her to go to dinner just the two of us the other nite.

As far as primary custody goes. My lawyer is willing to fight for it if I choose to. It gets expensive and we do not see the judge in my "no fault" state, finding her as an unfit mother. Besides I can not afford the home alone and I do not want to uproot them. So they should stay in the home as long as possible. I also do not feel as though my job would allow me the time needed to handle their rearing properly. I work 5, 11 hour shifts on salary school and daycare do not mesh with this schedule. My WW could handle this easier than I.

Al,

I am a huge proponent of Plan B but I would strongly caution you AGAINST leaving your children and home. You missed an excellent opportunity to bring in a huge dose of reality during the holidays. Do not be mistaken, what follows for you(and this will get incredibly ugly) is a result of your WW's actions.

She and her family will try to put it ALL on you and your actions of Plan B. Are you emotionally ready to have these upcoming insults roll off your back???

My recomendations is to get your lawyer and devise a strategy to keep custody of the children and force your WW to move out.

Best of luck

Why not go for at least joint custody with her having primary residential status. I would think you would want to maintain a say in the important matters of the children's lives as they grow up?

You should also get more than standard visitation written into the court order. Every other weekend, one overnight weekly, right of first refusal if she cannot take care of them on nights they are w/ her, every other spring break, one week at Christmas, 3 weeks in summer (could be every weekend to make up), every other birthday, every father's day, and more... Don't for one minute believe she will play nice down the road. You can't take that chance.

Who makes the most money? Are you going to have to pay child support to her! Just make sure that you have thought long and hard about all of this before punting.

Stay stong.

Hopeandpray,

Yes we did make it joint custody with her as primary residential. I will have them two over nights a week, 2 weeks vacation in summer, every fathers day, every Thanksgiving, 1/2 day every Christmas with the 4 days following it, ever other 4th july, I will definetly have a say in their lives.

My WW makes more money than me and yes we worked out a child support payment. The state formula says I would owe 700 a month for the 2 kids that are biologically mine. My third child is not mine biologically but I met my W when she was pregnent with her and the bio father never tryed to contact us. She is my child and I am her father just not as the state sees it. Anyway my WW only asked for 500 month well below the state formula. My lawyer said if I was not going after full custody then this deal was worth accepting.

Alrey2,

I usually don't offer my opinion but I agree strongly with Cymanca. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME AND YOUR CHILDREN! If your WW wants a D, make her work for it. DO NOT make this easy for her.
Why can't you both stay there until the house is sold? Let her move out if she chooses. Let HER have that conversation with the kids about why SHE is moving. Let her explain to them that SHE has chosen to D and the SHE has chosen to be with OM.
I would have a restraining order in place so that the children spend NO time with OM for as long as possible.
You have every right to stay in you home. Your kids need you, especially NOW! Don't leave.

MyBad
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You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
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Sounds as if you have a plan that works for you and that your have thought this out which is very good.

One last question (and you will notice my focus is on the children here), what is the OM like? Is the kind or person that you want your children to be around 70% of the time? What do you know about him?

You sound as if you are doing well Alrey.

Cymanca,

Yes Jennifer suggested the move to plan B during the Holidays. I could not bring myself to leave the kids just weeks before Christmas.

So, are you saying that if I had gone to Plan B then, it would have been ok but now that I missed this opportunity I should not?

I understand the leaving the home and kids stuff but I am stareing at an approching D and feel that she will get the home and kids anyway and I will be forced out. So, why not do plan B now, even though I must leave it all, and hopefully stop this D before it is final?

Alrey,

You need to sit down with a trusted friend that has some business sense and have him/her explain the GREATER COST OF YOUR OUTLINED PLAN both in terms of money and children.

You, my friend , are going to be buried financially. Do you want it to happen under your terms or hers????????You have spent months REACTING instead of PROACTING. Get yourself a lawyer that does NOT mirror that attitude.

Alrey,

What I am saying is that you are going through TWO separate ordeals, the psychological breakdown of your M and a breakdown of a BUSINESS agreement.

Separate your emotions when it comes to the business side. It should be approached as if you got fired from your job without just reason. Would you stand there and try not to upset the guy that just fired you?????????????

HopeandPray,

The OM is only 23 y/o my WW is 36 now. From what I know of him he still is very inmature, lives with his mother and does not make very much money.

I cringe at the thought of him trying to raise my kids.

I must be honest, I am doing much better than 6 months ago when I was utterly crushed and desparate, but I am still confused as to how to proceed and lacking any sense that this is truely going to be permanent.

I know people are going to tell me to fight her regardless of her reactions but I honestly still think I can turn this around if I don't completely alienate her.

Alrey2,

There are only two times you should consider moving out of your home:

A) you fear for your life
B) you were ordered to by the judge

Divorce is WAR!
Knowledge is POWER!

You need all the knowledge you can get in order to fight this war my friend. If your lawyer is not willing to fight the fight then get a new lawyer.

MyBad

Cymanca,

I fear very much for my finacial future, WW tells me I am being materialistic when I explain how hard we worked to get where we are and that starting over is a disaster for us both.

It is extremely difficult to seperate my emotions and only think of finacials. In truth her and I will both have to adjust to a lower life style. She is going to be crushed by the morgage and I by the 500 child support. I will not be liable for the morgage when it goes bad. She is the only one on the loan docs. My credit from years ago was hurting our rating so she got the loan in her name only.

Mybad,

Hi, yes my lawyer will fight for me if I tell him to.

It will get expensive fast. I fear that it will alienate my W even more, giving her more reasons that she should never reconsider us.

I do understand your position and it sounds great if I knew my WW would never be back and I felt as though I could prove her unfit to gain custody but I just do not feel I would win.

You want it to get expensive fast. That will hit her where it hurts and snap her back to reality. If it works it will cost you a ****** of a lot less than divorce.

Why do you fear alienating your wife? Stand up for yourself and your family. What you do have left to be afraid of? The reason that she won't reconsider you if because she's in an active affair. If you subject your WW to the full consequences of her actions, you are much more likely to kill her affair. Kill the affair, and you have a chance at reconciliation.

You don't have to gain full custody, but the thought of her possibly losing custody could snap her back to reality.

It doesn't sound like you are trying to save your marriage, but rather lessen your financial impact from a divorce. What do you want?