jmwc95,

You are correct that I have spent much time looking at the impact of the finacials involved and have attempted to lessen this. I want my marriage and family back. However, this is not my choice anymore, it is all up to her. If she goes through with this D then my time spent lessening the finacial impact will be worth it to me.

Ultimately, I want my marriage back, I want my W back, I want my children to grow up in a traditional, happy home.

I have spent the last 6 months in plan A trying to show my love and devotion, improving me and hoping she would see the light. There are times I can see it getting through and then she goes right back to the WW. She has never faultered on the D though. She made this decision and appears to be intent on making it happen.

I am at a point where I feel I need to change my approach. My Plan A has been noticed and I will be missed for certain things quickly. I just do not know what else than plan B to do to try and bring my marriage back.

So, do you have it in the papers that OM is not to move in your home? I can see that as happening next.

Believer,

Ouch, I would hope he does not. I have thought of this and am considering having it as a condition of the D that he may not move in to the marital home. What happens when she sells or loses it in bankruptcy? She gets a smaller place and I lose my conditions.

If she wants him to move in with her I don't think I can stop it forever. How do you suggest I approch this as it is not desirable to me.

I would talk to your attorney. Make it hard for wife to get divorce. The affair will never last.

But my biggest worry is that OM (or should we say other boy) will move in to your home. At some point he will realize that your wife is TOO OLD. Then he will be looking at your 13 year old step-daughter.

I also do not see this affair lasting, but it has gone on for more than a year now.

How do I make it hard for her to get the D? By fighting custody, marital property or some other way?

Am I wrong in not wanting to alienate her by fighting? I could not keep the home anyway so why fight that? The kids, the courts lean towards the mother and I don't see my schedule allowing me the time to get them to school and picked up every day.

All of this works so much better as a team. As a married couple we can afford the home and take care of the children properly.

My goodness the OM had better never think of my daughter this way. I did point out to WW when I discovered OM's age that he was closer in age to our now 14 year old than to my WW. She only states that I don't know him and she is in love with him.

Your WW is right! You don't know him, nor how she is thinking, so don't take that into account when protecting your financial future and your childrens' safety. Your WW sure as [censored] isn't, and someone MUST.

Would it be possible for you to change shifts; look for another position? Change what YOU can, and fight for more time with your kids. Also, stipulate that OM is not to live with your children in the marital home; yes they may eventually have to move and OM MAY move in, but that is time down the road, consider the sitch now, not later. This A may be over before all of that future that you are thinking about occurs. Control for what YOU can RIGHT NOW! You never know what this guy is capable of, and neither does your WW. TAKE CARE OF THOSE KIDS!

Have you ever confronted OM or exposed to his family. If he lives at home still, I don't think that he would like for his parents to know. I would think that me be a little uncomfortable. I would think that a punk kid like that would cut and run at a first sign of confrontation.

How did your WW meet OM? If it was through work, did you expose there? Do her family and friends know. What do they think. I don't think you have made your WW's affair nearly uncomfortable enough. Does she really want to look like a cheap ****** for divorcing the father of her children for some 23 year old boy toy? Make sure she suffers the consequences of her actions, and she's more likely to change her ways.

jmwc95,

Yes, I talked to his mother one time for a hour. She was not happy with his decision and says she had been telling him she was to old for him but she could not get through to him. I told her I loved my W and wanted to save my family she said she would have me in her prayers.

They did meet at work. My WW was his boss. I went to her boss on it and he promptly moved the OM to another position. Everyone at her work and all her freinds know of her A, but she has tainted their ears with fabrications about me being so bad and how she would want a D even without the OM in the picture. It would seem she has made me look bad enough that everyone she knows helps, understands and enables this A and D.

23 and 36? Your WW is sleeping with a kid. This can't possibly last. I can't believe that if the parents this guy knew they would let him stay with them still.

Silent,

I do want to take care of my kids in this time of turmoil. Unfortunately for me, I still think I can save this thing. My actions are based upon this thought. If I can save the marriage or reconnect with my W, then the children's future will be secured.

This is also why I am willing to go plan B right now. If I let her feel the consequences of me not being around to help her finacially and emotionally then in theory she will start to miss me and what I bring to the table as a Husband and father. Then reality hits and the affair will be in trouble.

Am I reading the goal of Plan B correctly? If plan A works 15% and plan A followed by plan B is 85% successful, then I feel this is where I should be?

I guess all I saying is that if the PLAN B doesn't work then I would not be morally or otherwise constrained to any previous agreements (unless legally enforceable) or promises. If this got to the point that D was inevitable then I would re-evaluate first the interests of my children and secondly my own financial interests. Depending on my evaluation of these interests I would then begin to draft any final and legally binding agreement. If she didn't like the agreement that best protected my children and my best interests then I would see her azz in court, period!

Well, Plan B was set in to play, in my case, to let WH go to feel the impact of not having me in his life, as well as full access to his home and dogs, family life, etc. I also went into Plan B because I could no longer take the abuse from WH. It's emotionally draining to be in Plan A, and I couldn't do it anymore. I also went to Plan B because I thought WH needed to see that I didn't NEED him; I WANTED him, and there's a HUGE difference.

Be careful with your approach here, you don't want to appear WEAK to your WW either. FIGHT. Moving out so easily, looks like conceeding the battle, IMHO. When I asked WH to leave, he did without even a whimper of a fight. I don't respect that much. Even if it was only his house that he wanted to keep, he could have fought; but NADA, ZIP. Be sure to SHOW what you want with ACTION, not words. Don't concede anything, whether it's going to happen eventually or not, don't make this so easy/comfortable for your WW.

Alrey,

You're getting a lot of advice here. Only you know your situation thoroughly enough to make a decision.

If you think there's a chance of saving your marriage, then you are correct about not totally alienating your wife. Once the divorce kicks in, it will be very difficult to avoid the acrimony that will seal the end of your relationship.

From what you have described, I agree that this affair is not likely to last. Her 23 year old boyfriend will likely tire of her and find someone else. The big question is whether she will want to come back to the marriage once the affair dies out.

You are thinking there's a chance for recovery and you don't want to kill it by going into battle with the divorce. But you can't be assured she will want to stay married to you even after the affair ends. The other posters here think you are giving up too much in your "pre-divorce" agreement. They may be right if you can't save your marriage.

You're worn out on Plan A -- it hasn't stopped anything anyway. But my advice (for what it's worth) is to stay in the house at least until you are slapped with her divorce petition (in February?), and possibly as long as the final decree.

It's tough, it sucks, but it's best for the kids for now. The kids should be your number one priority; saving the marriage second.

I have to leave now but I will write more on this later.

Good luck.

Dedicated,

Yep, 23 and 37. He is a kid. Somehow my WW thinks she is in love with him. He lives with his mother, father left years ago in divorce.

They met at work and became friends through conversation, this of course led to the A. At first I asked her what in the world she could be getting from him to make him so attractive. She would say the conversations, that he was more mature than his age, he does not try to control her, and my very favorate, he thinks more of her satisfation in bed and has more stamina than me.

So, I guess it is the sex, but we never had bad sex. In fact she was always pleased the results. She says it has nothing to do with sex. From what I can gather sex is the main reason it is still going. It started as conversation, compasion, common goals and situations.

Truthfully, I don't know what goes on in her mind anymore, guess I never did.

It's not the sex Alrey....It's unfortuantely the conquest. It is about your WW not having any self esteem or being a narcissit one or the other extremes, not sure which one. If its the self esteem issue then she is looking for something to give her ego a rush. Bedding a younger male who works for you would have the same effect as an 55 year old male executive bedding his 21 year old secretary. HUGE ego rush because somewhere deep down he knows he is not worthy of the wife, family and all he has at home. Same with your WW.

Opposite this is the narcissit that just thinks people are to be used for their pleasure, fulfillment, benefit and to make themselves feel good about who they are. They are above the law, know everything, and have little to no empathy for others feelings unless it gets them something.

I dare say your WW is in one of these categories.

Don't forget that she is getting oodles of admiration from this 'kid', too. He probably tells her how strong she is for remaining married 'this long' and yada yada yada. He probably makes her feel attractive, and, YES, listening to her, probably hanging on every word. He's not more mature, she's probably just being selfish and IMMATURE, reaching down to his level of maturity. Remember, try to look for substance in what your WW says to you, and HEAR all else as BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Respect yourself, and her, as much as you can right now. Show strength, even when you feel weak. As Hiker says, only you know your wife, but she is WAYWARD...

Hopeandpray,

None of the agreements made so far would be legally enforcable if I choose not to sign them. If this plan B does not get results rather quickly then yes I will have to re-evaluate how I proceed with the D.

Hiker,

My ww filed the D in August, I recieved her D petition back in August as well. The Feb 27 date is supposed to be the final decree. The court ordered a mediation of the parenting plan back on Dec 15, this is where the agreements came from, it is not signed though and can change.

Silent,

My WW tryed to get a restaining order back in June, got me escorted out of my home by sheriffs. I was gone for 2 weeks but then beat it in court. I came back home Plan A'ing still. In early Aug she filed for D and had me served. I stayed at home and showed her my love. In late Aug. she tryed to get me out of the home by having the court give her temp. possesion of the marital home. I beat her in court and stayed at home. She constantly told me she wanted me out, she felt uncomfortable. I continued on my plan A course. At times I thought she was coming around but then she would return to a heavy fog.

Through all of this I showed my love for her. I told her of my desire to fix this M for us and the kids. She says she is not interested in saving the M. I feel as though I have fought to save this M. I have shown her my desires. I have not moved out easily. It will appear to her that I have conceded defeat at first, she may even party that I finally left, but I see the reality hitting her soon. I hope.

My WW is hurting right now for money. She can not afford the house alone and I quit paying bills 2 months ago, other than my stuff and food and daycare for the kids. In fact, as I was packing my stuff I found our coin bottle empty. It had maybe 1500 in change from years of putting it in. She must have cashed it in at her bank. She is getting desparate for money. I do not know how this will effect our situation but I hope it does something positive soon.

Well, now that I see more of your story, you have done a good job at sticking to your guns! It does sound like Plan B would be good for you now. I just want to caution you that Plan B is part of the process to recover your M, with a good Plan B letter, and utter darkness (which can be tough to achieve when you have to exchange children, etc.) but don't necessarily expect it to stop the D. Hang in there, Alrey...

Hopeandpray,

The first description is the accurate one. My WW has always had low self esteem and in the first few years of our M I did little to help this problem. In fact I made it much worse. She tells me that she was looking to other men for attention, but I think she needs the esteem boost.

Silent,

Yep, she is being selfish, she even told my back in June that she had been unhappy in marriage for many years and pretended to be for the kids and I. She then said it was time for her to be happy and she could not pretend anymore.

Also, yes, she has gone down to his level of maturity. The bar hopping, they quoting silly movie lines, the thinking of the current and not the future. She says she only needs his love not material possesions we could have together.

OMG!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> This is EXACTLY what my WH said to me with his PA. It's revisionist history!

I was not ALWAYS fully happy every day of my M, but I was happy. I didn't have some expectation that Marriage, itself, was going to sustain me. I knew life was not easy, and that some of my problems were JUST MINE to deal with, with the SUPPORT of my spouse. I never thought of myself as half of a whole. I thought of myself as a single entity working toward a good M of two entities. I never had huge esteem issues, however. It's amazing how similar the wayward speak can be...