My need for admiration is not very high. I feel good about myself because I put in effort and work, in my home, with my friends and family.

My ex, on the other hand had a high need for admiration, like a sucking wound in his personality. I admired him and let him know, but it was NEVER enough. It wasn't only me - he didn't feel admired at work, although he was looked up to.

OW was willing to leave her husband, and 12 year old daughter, and devote herself 24 hours a day to HIS NEEDS. She didn't work for the first year of the affair. Ex ate it up. Of course, it even got too much for her, and the affair is over. That is what I suspect anyway, never got the lowdown.

Ok I need to laugh a little here. If someone is so pathetic they need someone to blow smoke up their [censored] on a regular basis they need help. LOL.

Admiration is high on my list too. So what do I do. I usually try to go above and beyond. I have never "officially" been a baseball coach. This year I volunteered. Two of the kids specifically asked for me to be their coach. Again I have never coached. That made me feel great. I was admired by these kids and their parents enough to ask to be on my son's team. That to me makes me feel good.

I don't know if you watch the T.V. show called the Office but if you do I think Micheal said it well at the end of the episode last week in regards to Dwight. I want someone that kisses my butt because they really love and respect me, not because they want to advance their career.

Now as far as being more suceptible to an A. I don't know. I have my list of needs. What I found is that if they weren't all being filled I would look for one to be filled more. So if I wasn't getting the respect, admiration, appreciation, etc. I would want more of one thing.

So maybe that is the case with the admiration as well. They are gorging on one EN because the others aren't being filled as much as they want.

Not saying they aren't that is just what happened to me.

frog,
your post makes perfect sense to me. i love the line from Office Space...i actually said pretty much the same thing to my H about oral sex once.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
i think when we moved away from family and friends (my admirers)......was when I first realized admiration was a top need for me.
I was giving it.....I wasn't getting any back from my H. (and i had never really expected that form him before becuse I was getting it elsewhere)
and I had grown very accustomed to it over the years.

"I have never "officially" been a baseball coach. This year I volunteered. Two of the kids specifically asked for me to be their coach. Again I have never coached. That made me feel great. I was admired by these kids and their parents enough to ask to be on my son's team. That to me makes me feel good. "

That is an admirable thing, Frog.

Compare that to a man who cheats on his wife to get his fill of admiration.

I think men who are grounded in their masculinity are increasingly ready to take on the male role of provider, protector, lover, and partner. They do not get their needs met by betraying everything that is noble.

nia,

The good thing about that as a need is you can find it SAFELY in other areas of your life.

I am a highley competitive person as well. So I was able to get admiration at work SAFELY. I won a demo contest and was flown to corp to present in front of the board. etc. The people I worked with admired me. I am quick and witty and I am willing to help. Again I hope admirable.

I am one ****** of a dad. I play with my son's and the other kids. We play wiffle ball, football, soccor etc. I have had several neighbors tell me how they admire the time I spend with my kids etc.

I don't want my FWW to be responsible for filling that entire need or I would have to suspect I don't deserve the admiration.

Very interesting concept! If the other ENs are in short supply for any reason, they will gorge on the one that is - until they are so addicted to it the others become less important? The same way a heroin addict becomes less interested in fine food, socializing, sex, etc.?

What do the rest of y'all think?
Mulan

I think that could be very true if you are dealing w/ an addictive personality to begin with.
do you think you are?

But here's the question: Do you lie to or otherwise manipulate your wife into staying out of the way so *other women* are free to pile on that Admiration? In other words, do you deliberately shove your wife aside so the other women have free access to give you all the Admiration you want without the wife getting in the way?

That's what my WH started doing many years ago, and he got away with it for a long time before I realized the truth.

Having other people admire him, including women with decent boundaries, would be fine *if* I was welcome to be with him at the events where the rewards/celebrations of success/heavy-duty Admiration is all happening. But I'm not welcome there. He very clearly and specifically does not want me to be present when such events are going on. We will almost certainly divorce because of this.
Mulan

Mulan,

Are you sure you are not confusing his needs? Is it really admiration he wants and seeks, rather than POWER? You have heard the old saying "power corrupts, and absolute power, corrupts absolutely."

I have a strong need for admiration, and at my age <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> perhaps it is my strongest need. But, when reflecting on this thread and the comments made, what is really important is WHO has admiration. Who are the important people in my life? Who do I respect and love enough to CARE if they admire me?

My point??? Needing admiration is only part of the issue. If the person needing the admiration (and I think most people do) has NO BOUNDARIES with regard to where it comes from, then the need is pathalogical, and NOT something one person can meet.

My order of needing admiration is really simple.

1. My W
2. My children
3. My colleagues
4. My extended family

Beyond that??? The need is not there. If someone does not have such a list, then it is unlikely that any individual person can help meet the need.

Just some thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

Mulan and Nia,

I believe it to be true. I experianced it. My EN for SF was front and center until I realized I just wanted my needs filled. This need was really the easist to fill with the path of least resistence. It bothered me when FWW would say no. I honestly believed it was due to the A but now I understand my other EN's were being neglected and I wanted one of them filled.

Now the others are being filled and althoug I love SF it isn't as important to me. Which in turn is now making SF better.

Now Mulan do I lie etc to get it. NO. Do I want young girls fawning over me? NO. I don't need it really. I am pretty secure in myself.

I love and respect myself and I can look myself in the mirror every morning. Without that no amount of admiration from the outside world is going to help me.