My friends post on here and I have heard great things about it even if the relationship does not work out the advise is helpful to carry on after the marriage. My wife had an affair. She kept it going on for many months. Finally she decided to come back to me at the urging of our best friends. When she came back she told me that emotionally and sexually she was not attracted to me but that our marriage was the best bet for both of us. I did everything I could to make it better but when we are together she is thinking of the other man. I now know I made the mistake of pushing her and rushing myself back into it. I do not want a divorce I want to make this work. Can anyone help me? I looked through the postings before telling my story but I got rejected for browsing looking for help. Please if you have any constructive to say help me.

thank you.

Welcome. Sorry that happened, but some of us are a bit paranoid. It goes with the territory.

Can you give more details - ages, children, length of marriage, facts about other man, where they met, if they still have contact, how you found out, and any problems in the marriage before the affair. That's just for starters.

hello. I am 47 my wife is 39 we have been married for 11 yrs. She met her lover at work, they travelled together we are bankruptcy advisors and must travel every few mths. I work from home and she works for a well known firm. I found out about the relationship after she moved out, she moved out because we were no longer even speaking like a couple we were just coexisting. She was honest with me about him and had not been sleeping with him until after her move out, truth? I don't know but lying to me is not her thing, she is not that person, if you ask her a question she will give you a straight answer. Our problems were that we drifted apart, I am to blame for that as I was not interested in the marriage, I was only interested in the companionship. We have no children, she wanted children when she came back but I decided we needed to wait because I did not want to bring a life into the world when we would not be raising them together. I wanted to be sure and now realize I made the right decision as I do not believe we can make this work. I have tried everything possible but I can see when I speak to her that she still misses her lover. I know others say that is temporary but it is not, 1 yr is a long time. Before I make the move for a divorce I want to make sure that I have all the good advice I can get. I am older now and do not want to waste anymore time when the marriage is not moving forward, I am doing all the work. When I speak to her about this she tells me it is because I rushed and pushed her to give up an affair she was not ready to give up.
I may have missed out information, if you have any questions ask me.

So why did she move back in?

Are you sure they are not still in contact?

What exactly have you tried so far?

You might start with reading:

Get 'Surviving An Affair' and 'His Needs and Her Needs' both found on this sight.

With the little info you have given I can only say that your wife will have to go through a period of withdrawal from the A. A few weeks to several months depending on many factors.

You need to know absolutely that she is no longer in contact with the OM.
Sit down and both of you write a letter of No Contact.

Does she work with OM. If so this must stop. No Contact even at work for Life.

Beyond that we need as much info as you give about you, her, the OM, the Marriage, any children, the Affair.

Sorry you are here but it is a great place to start.

she moved back in because she said she felt that I could offer her the "right life" and we were meant to be together. I wanted her back more than anything else in the world but now I realize she is not feeling the same way. I rushed her back and I should not have done that, realize it today. I am sure they are no longer in contact, he has moved to another state, I have open access to her phone, her email but of course that does not mean she would not have another email I realize that, but I trust her, she is not a liar that I do know.

Sounds like she is still in contact with OM through work. Even if it is not an ongoing affair, which I think it probably is. She probably never really ended it in the first place. It just went further underground. You say she always tells the straight truth. Believe me if she had an affair and you did not know it that itself says somthing about that statement.

She will continue this as long as there is any contact at all.

Long distance affairs go on all the time. and somtimes they are very hard to detect especially if the contact is done at work.

Give us a time line.

How long did the A last?

How long has it been over?

~ Marsh

Unless she has done a NC letter with you I would have a very difficult time in believing what she is saying. Just from what her actions toward you are after a year something is still wrong. I'd bet on contact.

Are there days when she is worse or better than othersin this regard?

I have read both today and will read them again. She has been out of it for over 12 mths and it is still the same, she is withdrawn and depressed and has been since she came home. I have tried trips, gifts, counselling, being attentive to her emotional needs and nothing has made her forget her affair. She does not say much about it but I know her well enough to know she thinks about him often. I am sure during sexual relations. I was thinking about asking her to stay in the house and I will move out for a while so she can now have the time that I rushed her and deprived her from having. I now realize my mistake, our counsellor has told us that we should not have put a time limit on it as that was our first mistake and now I realize it was definitely not a smart move. Their relatioship was emotional and sexual, it was strong in many ways that ours was not and I cannot get her past that. I forgave her before she came back and when she wanted to come back I did not mention it I instead asked her how I could help, nothing has helped. I had a very close friend who I now realize I should have listened to him, he knew that she would not get over the other man because I refused to give her that time. I now don't think we have any other choice but to start back 12 months and even at that I do not know it would work.

Hey Marsh!!!!

Who's feeding you this stuff?

Sounds messed up to me.

No way would I moveout.

She need her space says I still need the OM. And she is in CONTACT.
BET ON IT!!!!

The affair lasted 3 mths. To my knowledge it did not start while we were together. I do not beleive they are in contact, I do beleive she is no longer wanting me and that happens, it does not mean that because she is no longer having the affair that she and I can be together and I now realize that she did not find closure with the other man and I should have given her that chance, at least we would now know if this would have had a chance. The affair has been over 13 months

After this much time with no contact she would at least not still be totally shut off from you. Contact is still going on Somehow.

You say there is SF between the two of you?

I'm sorry, Chasey, but I just don't understand what you did wrong by asking her to stop the A and come back to you.

I'm pretty sure she's still in some type of contact w/ him.

I'd do some spying to find out for sure.

~ Marsh

No one is feeding me in fact everyone is telling me to walk away. I would move out to give her the space I feel I failed at allowing her when she was ending the affair. She has not asked for space I am thinking I would offer it. I have tried anything to make her happy, to bring back our attraction to one another, we were like magnets for each other through our courtship and after we were married but something came apart and I know it was my fault mostly. I have tried to right it but I do not feel she wants to be with me and that I am her ticket to a great financial life, we have alot of assets, didn't before but we now have everything we need and I cannot help but think that maybe she came back when I started making big money.

*Waves hello to JKG* <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Closure is not for an Affair. It Ends Period. This just says I am still in an A. It may not be a PA now but most definitely an EA still alive and well.