I understand what you are both (Techie) saying and I spoke to my ex husband this evening and we have decided to go to counselling together so that he can get the help he needs to move on without me.

Thanks for your help, the people on this site are at times hostile but you noodle are great.

Thanks and take care

My family and his told us to go our separate ways. They did not agree to the union as they saw the issues between us when we didn't even know we had them. They definitely were worried about the relationship prior to knowing what had gone on. We live and learn and I have learnt my lesson here which is not to be pressured into making an impt decision such as this was. I screwed up the marriage did not stand a chance and I knew it.

Good morning Bosslady,

I strongly urge you to do that counselling with Steve Harley. SH is excellent and gets to it without wasting your time or money. SH is also excellent at pointing out options and accurately projecting the outcomes of those different options while, at the same time, respecting that all participants have the right to make their own decisions about their lives. Incidentally, SH does not believe that all marriages can or should be saved and is excellent at counselling the spouse(s) in that case too (like mine).

That is why I am urging you to counsel with SH--so that you can both be at peace with the outcome, no matter what the outcome is. I did the work, and I am at peace. Stbx did not do the work, and he is not at peace at all--quite the opposite.

I don't know if that's really the case or not, Bosslady. But I do know that SH can figure that out and then "give it to you straight" LOL. Even if SH sees that your marriage can be rebuilt, that doesn't mean that you have to. SH will just point out your options and the outcomes of those options, and then the decision is yours.

Bosslady, imho, if you counsel with SH with an open mind, search your heart, and be honest with yourself and SH each step of the "moving on" process, then I believe that everyone will not have regrets--no what ifs to haunt them. I'm not haunted by what ifs, but stbx is living that nightmare. It's not a nightmare I would wish for you.

Take care

I think that if you go on with your life with the belief that love is a feeling you will not have the commitment to make your next marriage work in the long run. Either way you go you would benefit from reading all you can on this site and reading surviving an affair.

Since you have been with your current BF for two years you were probably never really ever to give recovery a chance.

Noodle has been right on (as usual) with her excellent advice to you. You would do well to ready over her posts a few times so that they may sink in.

BL,

Someone mentioned on another post that I may have posted to you. I think this is the 1st time I have. Anywhose, please indulge this POV post.

From what I read on this thread, you started off by saying your name was due to your H's request. He is known as 'Boss' and he requesting you post on the internet as BL (aka: Bosslady)? Ok...you complied. Yet you are now D yet you still comply.

I sense mixed signals and I am not in a R with you. Not sarcastic...please read this post through before rending a decision.

See if I am getting mixed signals what are your actions telling your XH? Does he love you more than you love him? C/b. Do you really love him? Not like you should (your own admission), ok.

BS' eventually learn we can NOT force a WS to change their ways. The logic a WS puts in their heads and holds onto is only within their control. The fact that others can see life differnently than a WS, often doesn't count to a WS.

That makes it hard for a BS to move forward. But what makes it even harder is when the WS tells the BS to move forward yet keeps renewing the contact and giving small pieces of hope. Even the small act of you calling yourself by this 'pet' type name can give him hope. In essense you are taunting him.

So I ask, if you haven't realized this, now that you know....what will the love you do have for him make you do?

He needs to find closure and you need to let him. You need to pull yourself out of his life so he can heal. R u strong enough to do that even if it leaves you alone later. Why? Because the R you built with any OM is temporary at best. They lost trust before and will do it again as long as he remains as an OM. Sad but true but that was a choice you made.

Now for you, is there anything we can help with? This is a marriage building site. If marriage isn't your cup of tea....that's ok, we understand, it isn't for everyone.

take care,
L.

Did BL leave? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

WHOA!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I'm not going to argue with you, but for the benefit of others, I'm going to tell my story. I was not attracted to my husband sexually for a period of a couple of years. But it was MY problem, and as I worked through it I realized that.

To believe what you wrote above is evidence, IMO, of an immature attitude toward love, but it is quite common among the uneducated masses. Just because a belief is popular does not make it fact.

I have noted as well, that when a woman loses respect for a man, she loses her sexual attraction toward him.

If you were in love with your husband and sexually attracted when you married, then you can always get that feeling back. However, allowing wistful thoughts of another to interfere with the work of marriage and regaining your loving sexual attraction will hinder that growth to the Nth degree.

Spiritually I understand why you feel you must defend your position, but we are a more sophisticated group on this site and that jejune attitude will not fly with us.

AND-- If you never cut off all contact with the other man during your effort to reconcile with your husband, you never gave your marriage a fighting chance. It's like alcohol or drug addiction, you have to DRY OUT in order to get your thinking clear. Every time you made any contact with him --phone calls, emails, or just seeing him on the street or looking at his picture, even indirectly, such as hearing about him or talking about him with friends -- you started those endorphins, oxytocins, and other brain chemistry love drugs chugging away for the adultery partner, blocking any hope of your husband being able to excite them.

I'm sorry you didn't get the memo on how to save your marriage, but we're about saving marriages here.