Thoughts to Ponder!


If you feel like a fish out of water, maybe you’re not a fish!

Be spontaneous - combust!

Life is fragile - handle with prayer.

Don’t count your cheques before their cashed.

Beware the sheep in sheep’s clothing.

The trouble with getting a life is making the payments.

If you can't speak softly - just use the stick.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Bad weather is God's way of saying, "Take the day off!"

The theory is to enjoy life, but the practice is against it.

I'll try anything once - too often.

Wise people think all they say - fools say all they think.

I'd feel a lot better if I wasn't so sick.

I like leaving messages before the beep.

I’m not a complete idiot - several parts are missing.

My next big break will probably be a hip!

Some women get excited about nothing - then marry him.

I think, therefore I’m overqualified.

Anyone can handle a crisis. It’s everyday living that kills you.

Barbers work for shear pleasure.

I'm in shape. Round is shape.

F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.

You're not deaf. I'm chewing gum.

Life is a maths class. Solve one problem, get another.

No problem can be too large or too difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.

Speed kills. Slow just injures.

1960's - "What's your star sign?" 1990's – “What's your e-mail address?"

The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment.

We don't have to explain something we never said.

Unemployed teachers have no class and no principals.

Work is for people who don't like to fish.

If it weren't for me, there would just be a pile of clothes on the floor.

If you tell a joke in the forest, and nobody laughs, is it still a joke?

The correct advice is to give the advice that is desired.

Kids need two dogs. A large main dog - and a small backup one.

Who remembers when we used to rest on Sunday instead of Monday?

I'd tell you a fish story but you can't see my hands.

Veni, vidi, verse. I came, I saw, I recited poetry.

I'm having the sort of day when I feel like a one-legged man on a bike.

I'm growing older but not up.


<><><><>

AUNT CAROL WAS A PILOT . . .

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment - get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol.

Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."

" Kids Prayers!"

Mother had been teaching her three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer.

For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo.

I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

"Any Grandpa's in the Crowd?"

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.

No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.

Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

"FAMOUS MOTHER'S QUOTES"


MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the
biggest smile you can give us?"


COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:

"I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"


MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how
hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"


NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket,
take
your hand out of there and show me."


ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"Again with the hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other
kids?"


GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can
kiss
your allowance good-bye!"


THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now
turn
it off and get to bed!"


PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is
past
your curfew."

And, of course, these two, who really did have Jewish mothers:


ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"But it's your senior picture. Couldn't you do something about your
hair?"


MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:

"That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last
forty years.

Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark!

Noah's Ark
ONE: Don't miss the boat.

TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

SIX: Build your future on high ground.

SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.

TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from hemorroids, does the other person enjoy them?

That's a interesting hemi-spherical analysis.

1. Would the other persons quanitfy as being rotor rooters over speed bumps 2. Would super glue be a entrailing factor?

Looking for a New Job Spoof?

"Consider My Work History"

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

I worked as a pilot but eventually got grounded for taking off too much.

Then I tried teaching but I couldn't make the grade.

I spent a few years as a Psychiatrist but everyone's problems drove me crazy.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I was a pretty good eye doctor, but I could not stay focused on the job.

I worked a long time as a doctor.
I gave it my best shot, but I didn't have enough patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; but it never touched my sole.

The Energizer Battery Company hired me but then expected me to keep going, and going, and going...

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Of course, I tried being a secretary, but it turned out not to be my type of work.

My years as an exterminator were pretty good, but I got tired of the rat race.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking even thought it kind of turned me on.

I was a gardener for a while, but I didn't grow with the job even though I was racking in the money.

My career as a comedian was a stand-up success, but the critics thought I was a big joke.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

You got any ideas? I'm opened for suggestions......maybe you have something that WORKS.....cause I don't!!

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that
says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
-----------------------------------------------------------

***TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND***

10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

Eye sore??? How about some live comedy visuals.

Hilariously funny skit about dating& other great stuff !

www.comedycentral.com/motherload/player.jhtml?is_large=true&ml_video=80335

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Kids say it sooo tenderheartedly THE BEST!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />~~~ What is LOVE by Kids!~~~ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.

When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love. Rebecca - age 8

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth. Billy - age 4

Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.
Karl - age 5

Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs. Chrissy - age 6

Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.
Terri - age 4

Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.
Danny - age 7

Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.
Emily - age 8

Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.
Nikka - age 6

Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.
Noelle - age 7

Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well. Tommy - age 6

My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.
Clare - age 6

Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken. Elaine-age 5

Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.
Chris - age 7

Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.
Mary Ann - age 4

I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.
Lauren - age 4

When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.
Karen - age 7

You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget. Jessica - age 8

The final one -- Is from a contest that was held to find the most caring child....

And the winner was a four-year-old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

Children are so on the mark!
Have a peace& love day!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

[color:"red"]ATTENTION[/color]




[color:"green"]ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING, SEXY PEOPLE.


YOU WILL BE SAFE, I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE[/color]






[color:"blue"]KEEP SMILING![/color]

B2M

The aliens are coming?

Hasbro Industries, Inc. (Famous Toy Company) stocks are on the decline again on the AMEX.

What will they think of next to boost stock appeal?

Your safe too, relax how could you even think of leaving without getting your hair done first!

Your a riot!

That was SUPER!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

B2M

Thxs again for the laugh. Thought of you here. Since your thinking about taking a trip! Maybe a cruise might be a better bang for your buck! But "whatever" works for you!


DEAR DIARY ... DAY ONE I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I’ve packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.


DEAR DIARY ... DAY TWO We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.


DEAR DIARY .... DAY THREE I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle-boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honoured and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.


DEAR DIARY ... DAY FOUR Went to the ship's casino .. did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined.


DEAR DIARY ... DAY FIVE Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the night listening to music. The captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship. I was appalled.



DEAR DIARY ... DAY SIX

I saved 1600 lives today ....Twice!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

I'm back. Shortly though, they gave me just a short break. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


I prefer short jokes... actually, I skip long ones and rarely read them... they are like TOO rocks on the rye <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> (hm, haven't had that for ages, btw...)


---
Two girl-friends met for a drink and talk, and the one says to her friend:

- My husband lied and cheated on me so much and for so long, that I lost trust that he is the father of my own children.

Great your back! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hope your being treated well! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Preference issues. Yeah, some like it long and some like it short. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Variety,flexiablity & stamina is a very,very good thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'm gifted& modest what can I say... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />


That joke is tragicallly soooo sad but so true!


-Why is it that most women in their 30's want to start having babies, while alot of men in their 30's +
want to start dating babies ??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Figure that one out and keep posting!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Her clock's still ticking, and his alarm's gone off... ?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

B2M


Biology gone awry like duty free cuban cigars-lots of Puff Daddies.

~Alternate Meanings~


The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. Here are some of the winning entries...



1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.




2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.




3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.




4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.



5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.




6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.




7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.




8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.



9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.



10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.




11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.




12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.




13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.




14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.




15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.




16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.


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