I need some help from all who can help make sense of this. I just found out that my WH is still talking to OW. Actually he never stopped-didn't even try! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> What is this?? He didn't even care enough about me to TRY? He says he felt guilty and he didn't really want to be talking to her but he felt bad for her. To which I have to say aaawww, poor baby. So now I'm here with these feelings of worthlessness. And Iknow I didn't do anything but have faith in my H and M. We have discussed OW almost daily to which he's always sworn was over. Why didn't he even try? He called her in front of me and told her he does not want to have anything to do with her but obviously his word means nothing. He starts C on Friday. He thinks that he wouldn't have done this had he continued with C back May after original DDay. But is that true? Will it really be less likely after C? My heart is so broken. He got a different cell number and is looking for another job as she works for the same company at a different location. And she is still friends with the other people at my H location. I want everyone to know what she is. My H outed himself at work today. My H actually cried for the first time in our M. Is that a good sign? He is very P/A and I'm sure that accounts for his lack of compassion over the last four months. He says he now has a sense of urgency to fix things that he hasn't had before. Which at this point I'd like to call bullsh*t on. As all trust has been sqaushed. I asked him to write a NC letter so many times and he kept telling me that the door between them was closed. He's been looking me in the eye and lying all the while telling me he loves me. How can you love someone and do this to them? How do I go about getting some piece of mind? He says he hasn't seen her but I don't believe that at all. He says its only been phone calls and text messages. Can I out her? And if so how? The funny thing is-she's pregnant. Supposedly its her ex's but he believes it may not be and she tricked him. He was told she was on the pill but she wasn't. She's been trying to trap this guy for over a year and now he wants nothing to do with her. Although the baby is a completely different story for that he'll be there. She started pursuing my H when I was pregnant and their relationship continued throughout. During which my H was absent for me but more than there for her. Now charma has come back to bite her. But he uses her being pregnant as his reason for feeling like he needed to be there for her. That hurt so much. He wanted to be there for her but not me and our son. Why did he do this? I sound like a pathetic idiot. I just thought we were getting better or were atleast on our way. And now I am sooo mad that I don't want to be in the room with him. This girl plays the classic damsel in distress. And my H fell hook line and sinker. He says he knew he would lose me when I found out and that I would be devastated so why did he do it? javascript:void(0)javascript:void(0)
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Melly

Melly,

Addittional DD's hurt big time. You jusr having a baby and the wondering about thr OW's baby is hard.

But here's what u have going 4u:

1. Your children. Love them deeply. Be their support and make them a part of your support.

2. He is looking for another job. All talk until he does but at least it is a start. He needs to stay focused on this. Not your job, it's his job.

3. OW is a loser and he knows it.



Here's what you need t/d:

A. Get your finances in order.

B. Create your personal support group. Each member does not have to know all. Just enough t/b able to give you the support you need when you need it. Ask them to respect your decisions and in turn you give them a respectful ear. What they say maybe hard to hear but c/b valuable info. You will NEVER know where your best support can come from. Can be as simple as a hug to an all night stake out tailing the WS.


C. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. When your mind and heart sync up and he is still being a Ws, then you will have the strength to tell the WS where to go. Of course you will also have the strength to fight for your H. They are dual personalities sharing the same body. Weird isn't it?

This is the time to plan and plan well. If you are done with your plan A changes, no reason why you should have to put up with his antics. Even stuff that you would have overlooked before should no longer be acceptable to your family.

Keep the values and trust for your family high. Do not lower yourself to the WS standards. That is not fair to you and your family.

Right now he needs to show more by action than by words. RE: His word don't mean much.

Keep posting.

take care,

L.

Thanks Melody for your insight. But how do I know whether or not I want to try to make my marriage work? I was walking the fence before this now I can't even fathom a future for us let alone see one. He lied to me point blank so many times. In fact the day before I found out he stood there telling me it was time to let the A go. He tried telling me that he deserved credit for atleast being completely honest with me through the relationship. He said this to me knowing hr was lying to me now.

I have had my finances figured out for a long time just not my emotions. I am a SAHM so its incredibly scarry. With a baby and 3 other kids going back to work isn't exactly an option. So I have to depend on someone who's let me down so much.

How do I not drown in suspicion? I have always had trust issues and it took IC to deal with my own childhood and trust my H to begin with. Now I trust nothing.

I have strengthed my support system ten fold in the last few months. I used to be such a private person but now I have so much support surrounding me. Most know most of the story.

How long before I can trust that I'm not reacting out of anger? Right now I hate him for making me feel worthless, alone, and betrayed among the hundreds of other things. I'm so ashamed. My oldest is well aware of the situation as she is incredibly perceptive. She went as far as letting me know that when she grows up and gets married that she will be tailing him and making him miserable if he cheats on her. If my 10 year old can see what a fool I've been why can't I? What am I teaching her? She is disappointed in me and that hurts. Shes ashamed of my actions in this situation. She is the first to call OW and H out. I've let my children down so much. My last pregnancyy was awful. I love my son but the stress of my H's A put me into labor more than once and kept me from being as healthy as I should have been. I had heart problems due to stres started bleeding and having contractions all the while going it alone as H was preoccupied.

He seems genuinlyy remorseful but he did last time too. I know I need to be patient but right now I can't imagine ever healing with him in the picture.

I'm rambling and yet feel like I'm saying nothing. Please help!

Melly

"He says he now has a sense of urgency to fix things that he hasn't had before. Which at this point I'd like to call bullsh*t on. As all trust has been sqaushed"

He has a sense of urgency now, because he has been caught. He is urgently looking around for a way to get out of this one.

I think I would at least be sure to get a separation agreement, so that your children will be supported. You won't be able to find out if this is his child for months, until OW gets tired of him and sues for child support.

well of course you're rambling
you are incredibly hurt (re-wounded)
and you are currently emotionally driven

when you can develop a plan you will feel less out of control

are you being taken care of medically? some anti-depressants are OK ... even if nursing .... ASK for help medically ... that can help you get mentally clear

wirh this many kids ... I think you should consider a very very BRIEF Plan A (a month, TOPS) .... just so you can get your Plan B organized

when a father with little kids is cheating ... missing his kids in Plan B is a big hurt for him (yes, he will still see his kids ... but it is not the same when he has to visit his kids instead of live with them)

so

1. get medical help
2. plan A (both carrot & stick)
be loving and non-confrontational and no lovebusting while at the same time you EXPOSE this adultery (call it that word) .... especially to WH's family ....
3. get an attorney to arrange a separation agreement in your favor (Plan B will probably require this because of the kids)
4. take heart & have hope ... this is NOT hopeless
5. do NOT confront OW ... she is full of venom and is off topic for you

Plan B is very effective in situations like yours because when being with OW causes a man to lose his family the affair gets very lopsided and resentments & expectations begin to build between them ... being out of the home & missing his family will make WH grumpy as heck & not pleasant to be around ... PLUS ... be sure to squeeze every penny you can out of the separation agreement ... that will also put a huge strain on the affair ... when they are so lopsided ... they start to fight with each other

so .... what do you think?

this is a start

Pep

PS ... if, God forbid, the OW turns out to be carrying his child ... YOU getting in line first for court ordered child support is very adventageous

Thank you Pep! Having a direction is good. His A to the best of my knowledge has never been physical. I will not say JUST emotional because from where I stand it can't hurt much more. Granted I come from a very disruptive and chaotic childhood so the lies are impossible for me. Trust and 110% honesty are vital for me. After a year of weekly therapy I found that wasn't too much to ask for. He is showing signs of being more than hateful of the OW and the situation he's created.

Now he told the kids today that he is moving out. I wasn't sure whether or not to stick it out for the month but after five months of lies and betrayal while I was being extremely loving,supportive, and nonconfrontational I don't think we'll accomplish anything right now. I believe he will just fall into old ways. I guess all I can do is hope for the best. My 4 yr old is devastated. My 10 yr old told him he should have respected me more. My 3 yr old just did his own thing and of course the baby did nothing. I'm so worried about my girls. They are the ones who will be taking the biggest hit. If we don't end up working it out my kids will be the ones who pay for his mistakes. I love him but how do I begin to believe he loves me. I love him but I also hate him right now. Can the hate fade this time? Is love enough?

He's agreed to write, sign, and notorize a letter stating his financial intentions until we can get something more legal. Although it's my understanding that this letter would hold up in court if need be.

Melly

Melly

If he will not "at least" live up to his financial obligations since he lived up to no others, then get an attorney, get an emergency hearing and establish temporary custody, child support, alimony, etc under court order.

Hang tough for your children and yes any woman that would have an affair with a married man with a new born at home is not only a POS but she's a low life POS and I hope she get's hers.

From your mouth to Gods ears hopeandpray. She will never be happy as the person she is. I know I shouldn't contact her but there has to be a way to out her. My H outed himself to his coworkers yesterday but she works at a different location. I had to witness my children being told their daddy was leaving and see the hurt in their eyes. I've had to field the Qs. I feel its important for her and everyone else to know the damage shes caused. Right now atleast shes alone in her pregnancy the way my H and her made me. Thats atleast a start. All I keep thinking about is that movie First Wives Club. I don't want to stoopto her level but she doesn't get off the hook either.

Mel

You are doing really well Melly. You hold your WH accountable to take care of the family he's abandoned.

Have you not been able to expose OW? Please update.

I haven't been able to expose OW, hopeandpray. I've been racking my brain trying to figure out the best way. I want desperately to do so. But I'm at a loss. What do I do? My H gets no excuses from me as he was the one who should have protected us but my children have been hurt and they BOTH need to be held accountable. As much as my H should have been able to stop or valued me and our family enough to atleast TRY she should have had enough respect to step aside. My H is currently on my sh*t list but she baite him every chance she got with her damsel-in-distress-please-don't-hate-me routine. Its funny how he had an A with someone so much like his mother. She kept her do you hate me card ready and played it often. She quikly picked up on the fact that my H is an idiot who can not withstand a guilt trip. Which sucks because I can not do the guilt trip. I now more than ever wish I could but what can you do? Usually it's something I like about myself but apparently its a much more valuable asset when it comes to my H than just being honest and loving. He is soooo P/A its not funny. He really just heard me say I don't like your relationship and decided neh-neh I'm gonna do it anyway like a 4 yr old. Without regard for anyone he was hurting. How could he do something that he KNEW was going to cost him his family?

Melly

So the hits just keep on comin'!! My H has been busted in another lie. He went out to see her on MY SON'S BIRTHDAY!! This I find out after he again repeatedly lied about seeing her. I am sooooo ANGRY! Beyond anything I've felt thus far. They've also been communicating via email. What else can he lie about?? I asked why again and his response-"i'm a compulsive liar". He doesn't care about us at all. He told my kids that he was moving out yesterday and my 5 yr old is crushed. They want to know if he's ever coming back. I don't know what to tell them. I just want to protect them and I can't believe he's the one I need to protect them from. My 10 yr old told me it wasn't my fault and that he "disrespected me by doing what he did and therefore doesn't deserve respect or trust." She's just a little girl and they all are still so little they shouldn't have to go through this. The pain we've caused them hurts more than anything I'm going through. Someday I will be better for all this but they won't be. In the long run it is them that will be scared. Someone HELP!!!

Melly

First of all, time for a cyberhug {{{Mellysue}}}}.

Now, take a deep breath. You read here and know he's not doing anything that almost all the WS's being discussed here doing. Nothing unique about him and OW and their relationship.

You have to expose the OW. What has kept you from being able to do this? Can you not get her name or what. Tell her family, friends, significant others?, co workers, etc that she is party to breaking up a family with 4 young children. You have to find a way to do this.

You may want to read about plan B and institute it to protect yourself and your emotions and feelings while he is out running around like a teenager in heat. Don't be there for him, let her meet all of his needs. I would consider getting a LSA or something to insure his financial support for you and the children.

You will survive this one way or the other. Know that first and foremost. You will protect your children from the fallout as much as possible.

Thank you so much hopeandpray. I can't tell you how much I appreciate the support. I have all the info I need to do it but what do I do? Send letters? She has been emailing me telling me shes confused as she has NO feelings for my H and doesn't understand what is happening. Right now what I know FOR SURE is that he's still in contact with her and they've seen eachother atleast once. Oh and my H is incapable of telling the truth. Can he really love me after doing this? I've never seen someone be able to lie like him. And I grew up with an alcoholic. He got a notorized letter stating financial obligations for the time being-until I can talk to a lawyer and then it's a start.

I will survive-this I know. I want so badly to keep my kids safe from him. And I will do my best.

Is there some kind of guideline for exposing OW. She is the type to call the police as she has no integrity. Please help!

I normally wouldn't suggest this but do you believe the OW has no feelings for him? Will she establish NC with him and not take his calls, change her phone number, block his emails, etc. or do you think she is lying.

We know he's a liar and the fact that he's a wayward on top of that is double trouble. Unforutnatly I know many liars like him. You are susceptable to his lying because you love/loved him and want to believe the best about him and you also don't want to believe that your radar was so bad that you married the man your WH has become (I can second that for my now EX WW).

Is the OW married or have a SO? Does she have a family that you could write a letter to? You could state what you know, not make any untrue accusations and could even say WH said this or that...

I would contact my attorney and ask how legally binding the financial commitment is with the notarized letter. Is he currently seeing the children? Is he taking the children around the OW? With ages your children are there should be no overnight stays IMO, and visitation may need to take place at your home or some relative you can trust.

And yes he could still love you but not while he's having an affair. I tried and tried to convince my EX WW that if she would just break off the A that we she would see what a fool she was being, that the addiction of the A and the secrecy and newness was causing her to have bad judgement. She didn't get it and I ultimately was left w/ filing for D and protecting our 2 year old son from her actions and pathetic old OM. I don't regret making this decision for our son.

I normally wouldn't suggest this but do you believe the OW has no feelings for him? Will she establish NC with him and not take his calls, change her phone number, block his emails, etc. or do you think she is lying.

We know he's a liar and the fact that he's a wayward on top of that is double trouble. Unforutnatly I know many liars like him. You are susceptable to his lying because you love/loved him and want to believe the best about him and you also don't want to believe that your radar was so bad that you married the man your WH has become (I can second that for my now EX WW).

Is the OW married or have a SO? Does she have a family that you could write a letter to? You could state what you know, not make any untrue accusations and could even say WH said this or that...

I would contact my attorney and ask how legally binding the financial commitment is with the notarized letter. Is he currently seeing the children? Is he taking the children around the OW? With ages your children are there should be no overnight stays IMO, and visitation may need to take place at your home or some relative you can trust.

And yes he could still love you but not while he's having an affair. I tried and tried to convince my EX WW that if she would just break off the A that we she would see what a fool she was being, that the addiction of the A and the secrecy and newness was causing her to have bad judgement. She didn't get it and I ultimately was left w/ filing for D and protecting our 2 year old son from her actions and pathetic old OM. I don't regret making this decision for our son.

I don't know if OW will cut off contact. I don't really think she's lying persay. I don't think she wants him. I think she just wants to know shecould have him but after finding out what hes said about her I'm not sure she'll want anything to do with him. She's pregnant with her EX's baby. Which she lied to make happen. The classic I'm on the pill but not really. Her EX tried to break it off with her for months before she finally got the message and then after a night of stupidity she turned up pregnant. End result being-she needs a daddy. Insert my H.

I am currently looking for a good lawyer to solidify things. But I figured this is better than nothing.

He claims hes done with her and that hes so sorry. After the newest bit of truth he is no longer asking for a second chance or fifth rather. He keeps swearing he has no romantic feelings for her but she claims to have asked about us. To which he responded with I don't want to talk about my personal life because it'll hurt you. Again he protected her feelings and their relationship over us. He keeps saying I didn't want to talk to her but with comments like that I doubt it.

This all just makes me sick. They disgust me. I just can't believe how stupid I've been. I love or loved him, which I don't know right now, how could he do this? I still can't get over the fact that he didn't even TRY.

Now he has no home and nowhere to go to my knowledge. Although there is still OWs apt.

Melly,

I don't have a lot of time, but wanted to tell you I will be praying for you...AND your H, too.

Mark

Thank you so much!! You have been an incredible help!

melly

~~~> get professional advice before signing ~anything~

you asked:


no
of course it's not enough

Pep

((( mellysue )))

I would not believe the OW. If it was me, I would prolly call her contacts and tell them the proof that you have about her having an affair with a married man with 4 small children.. Be as nice as possible in this situation and ask for their help, as you are trying to save your marriage and keep your family intact.

Many fine people here will help you. You are not alone and do not worry about her.... what goes around ~ comes around ~ she will get hers'

Sincerely, Carnation