Honey, do you see us together in 2 weeks, 1 year, 5 years? I do. Hesitant, yes.
At this point I still wasn't getting full disclosure. We were approaching a stall, but I knew the facts. I need to know why you were going to Chicago to have an affair.
So I layed it all out. How I knew everything.
She said I need to talk to him to figure somethings out. I am dealing with a lot of demons and I have been miserable inside for a long time. You are a great husband and you treat me better than I can imagine, yet I treat you poorly. I can't sleep, I have stomach issues and I am trying to figure out what is wrong with me.
Okay, here is your chance. Open and honest with me. What do you see wrong with us.
She said:
We are too differnet. she is intense, loves to go out on the town, dance, dress up, would take living in a condo downtown over a home. She said she loves me, but it isn't an intense drawing captivating love, that something is missing and she can't figure it out. that we have been on the go for so long and I am always planning and I'm not spur of the moment, foot free and fancy.
She said that I fill many needs in the man she always wanted. Cares about family, is a christian, but she is trying to figure out what she wants and what is right for her. For the first time she started to cry. She said "You want a children, and I don't know if I can give that to you. It would break your heart not to have children"
Then she said she was sorry. sorry for the way she has treated me and what has happened to us.
I asked her Do you see us together? Yes, but there are time that I want out, but you have been so good to me. A woman couldn't ask for a better husband. I know that we are in a committed relationship and it kills me to think what this would do to us, family and friends.
We sat there for a few minutes, both contemplating what we had just said. I was praying.
We got up and hugged, not a stong overly powerful hug. To me at the time it felt like it was a hug of friendship and not love.
Finally I said that she could sleep on the sofa or she could sleep with me. She choose the bed. AS we were getting ready for bed I told her that I expected her to end all contact with OBF. She balked at that saying that they have known each other for 15 years and that he was a friend of his brothers. I said I want you to end it and dropped it.

You forgot the dreaded "space" word.

um... ...NOoooo!!!

She needs 2 STOP talking 2 him in order 2 "figure things out."

Don't let up on this. Talk 2 her brother. I find it hard 2 believe he'd stay friends with someone deliberately trying 2 interfere in his own sister's marriage.

-ol' 2long

You need to get her to write him a NC email. Put a keylogger on her computer, monitor her cell phone bill. WITHDRAWAL is extremely difficult. She will try and reach out to call or email OM even if she wants to stay in the M. You need to cut off or be able to monitor all access to the OM. Beware the strength of her ADDICTION. This is the toughest time for the BS. DO NOT assume it is over. There are still some tough times ahead.

Be careful with how you word things...

Avoid things like "I want you to end it...".

Instead try..."We stand no chance if he remains in the picture in ANY way..." "You were friends for 15 years, but once the EA started, that made it impossible for you to go back to the relationship you've shared with him." "There is only room in our marriage for the two of us...our marriage can't survive if we try to do it with three people."

Get the idea? It doesn't make YOU the bad guy.

I had this exact same conversation with my wife after her EA...she wanted to remain 'friends' with OM. It took a lot of work on my part AND our MC's to get her to understand, but she finally caught on.

EC...

She MUST end it with this OBF-that is a COMBUSTIBLE relationship that WILL become a PA-My affair was with an OBF-I KNOW full well the dangers of contact between "old flames"... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ...Also, it wasn't that she was going to Chicago to have an affair, she is ALREADY having an affair...EA is STILL an AFFAIR...

Further, you said that she lived with this OBF, so from this I can assume they were lovers...Here's a good quote where that is concerned..."Friends can become lovers, but lovers can't become friends"...

Mrs. W

If every WS got the space they asked for, our astronauts would be running in2 bodies all the time!

Nothing like hard vacuum 2 help you think! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

Her brother was furious when I talked to him about this. He had already had his plane ticket to go see him on Thurs. He said that he is going and he is going to talk to him in no uncertain terms and tell him to quit f-up another persons relationship.

I did put a keylogger on our computer, but I can't put one on her work laptop nor her cell phone as it is a work phone, as well.

she changed the email acct this morning. and emailed the OBF telling him that I know the whole thing and that she can't talk as I was in the house. She also said to call her tomorrow. As I said earlier. My wife leaves for the next 11 days to go to 2 tradeshows. The OBF is overseas and will be tied up with my visiting bro-in law. Once my wife gets to the next tradeshow she is with my cousin.

What next!!! She leaves tonight at 11pm. Once she is gone we have email & cell as our only means of communication. One really stressful thing about her job is that she is on site for 12hrs a day so we can't talk. When she doesn get to the hotel see is dead to the world. SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TALK ABOUT NEXT

A big part of the problem is that she travels for a living. That arrangement leaves your marriage wide open for an affair and makes it almost impossible to repair the things in your marriage that made an affair possible. Do you realize how destructive her traveling job is to your marriage?

I'd be willing 2 be large sums of other people's cash that your marital problems started about the same time as her affair.

It IS an affair, or she would have needed a few days 2 recover from your confronting her. Instead, she bounced right back 2 the OM.

This is going 2 be difficult, and take some serious resolve on your part.

-ol' 2long

Dr. Harley:
"When a couple spend their leisure-time away from each other, it is not only a breeding ground for an affair, but it can also be another clue to an affair. That's especially true when a spouse doesn't want the other to be present at their favorite activity. I counseled a man who went fishing every summer for a week with his friends, wives not invited. But they did invite a secretary from work who cooked their meals (and had sex with them all) during the trip.

Anything that takes one spouse away from the other overnight is an invitation for an affair. But when an opposite-sex co-worker tends to join a spouse on business trips, red flags should be flying in all directions. Any evidence that this relationship is anything more than pure business is, from my perspective, a gigantic clue that an affair might be in progress. That's also the case if a spouse and opposite-sex co-worker spend a great deal of time working together."


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Entire article: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Ye, we both know how bad the travel is for our lives & health. She is interviewing to get out of this line of work. Actually strated interviewing around the same time we first talked, Nov. (also when this all started)

Oh good.

I know Melody. I've been reading, errr studying the BOOK. Sorry, just frustrated right now.

I'm just not certain what to do over the next 11 days while she is gone. How to communicate. What to work on.
A good sign was that she did complete the emotional needs questionnaire. I've got to run to an appoint ment. But I'll be back on here tonight around 10PST

So I am back from taking my wife to the airport. I had a little problem with the keylogger, which locked me out of her acct. but I finally got on.
For the most part our last few hours were good. We had open good conversation. We talked about us, life, and to some degree what went on. But since my last post I was really needing to get onto her email to see if she expressed other feelings to the OM. Here is what she sent him:

OK so I'll totally understand if you don't want to talk to me....I feel horrible I've made a huge mess. It's my issue to deal with now. I can't believe for all the emails EC has read that he didn't kick my [censored] out when I got home, he was actually over the top sweet, which makes me feel worse. doesn't change my dliemma but I really feel awful my brother now has information that could affect your friendship. I never meant that to happen you know that.

I obviously have changed my email password but am totally paranoid now.

His response just came in a few minutes ago:

Stupid. Silly. Disturbing. Pls figure your stuff out before you pull anyone into it. Very naive of me. Pissed about Erik being pulled in, very, very upset! Not sure he is coming, just wrote him to see.

I can’t make you happy, that is your responsibility. Now it is a total mess. Pity


Well I am happy that this guy is screwed, but reading her email I need to find out what her dilemma is. Is it what I mentioned in earlier emails, about our issues. Or is she truly thinking of leaving me.

Again, any advice on how I can keep going over the next 10 days while she is gone will help. I've come to realize through our conversations that she doesn't like me always planning, always analyzing, always reading these books. I think I need to be a bit more clandestine.

Didn't you say the OM was having marital problems? You need to expose to OMW as well. She can help you watch things from the other side.

eco, this guy is married?

Maybe not, I respond to so many people it's hard to keep them all straight. I reread the thread and didn't see any mention of it. If there is a W of GF, it needs to be exposed to her.

No, the OM is not married. He was in a relationship with 2 children of his own, but they have been seperated for 4-6 months.

Over the next week while my wife is out of town. (for those joining late, she will be nowhere near this guy) I am going to do Plan B: Work on myself, work on finding activites that we can do together. Since we can only communicate via cell or email it makes it difficult to talk about what I confronted her with. One pattern I see is that I constantly am planning, anaylyzing, and worrying about our future. I haven't put enough time into our present.