So I think the majority has agreed on four things (I think, maybe, possibly...):

1. The betrayed spouse has the right to ask any question that they feel they need to in order to help them heal/understand the affairs
2. The wayward spouse does not have the right to deny the betrayed spouse information for which they ask relating to the affair or marital condition
3. There are questions that, if asked, could be more damaging than helpful
4. The betrayed spouse has the responsibility to take care when asking questions to fully determine if the answer will be helpful or hurtful and not blaming the wayward spouse for telling the truth

So, I'm processing the answers that my wife gave me. Putting the pieces in place, ala Joseph's Letter, filling out the picture.

Of all the questions, there is one that is lodged in my mind and is affecting my will to continue. It's not a question that would show up on most "Do Not Ask" lists, and, indeed may be one that is essential. H311, the fact that she left her wedding rings on, "We both knew what we were doing was wrong, so why try and deceive ourselves by taking them off?" (her answer), didn't bother me as much as this one.

I asked my wife what she found so attractive about the other men -- what did they "have" that I didn't. One of the first things she listed was they were outgoing and "fun".

Now, I'm not a social recluse, I can be fun and engaging. Her friends all say I'm funny. I'm just not a "make the first move" kind of guy. I'd prefer to stay home than go to a party. I'm introverted by nature.

I'm trying to change that -- I really am. I know it's important to her, so I'm trying.

But blast it -- she wasn't the only one who felt things were lacking in our marriage. She wasn't the only one who had unmet needs. She wasn't the only one whose marital history bottomed out.

I didn't choose to seek those needs in another woman!

I chose to respect our marriage, committment, family, children.

Why the h311 didn't she?

Yes, I did ask that question. "I was done. Fed up." (she says).

Artor <<<-- Calming down. (My laptop can't handle me hitting the keys this hard.)

I know it's about Emotional Needs. Conversation, social interaction are very important for her. Not for me.

I'm a stick in the mud. She's a butterfly -- beautiful, fun, colorful. People like butterflies. Butterflies land on sticks in the mud while they're looking for another bright, vibrant flower to fly to.

I know I needed to know this. I needed to hear how I was failing to meet her needs.

I will get better at meeting them. I will be more open, outgoing, extroverted.

Six month slump. Six month insecurities. Six month realization that there's still a long way to go.

Sorry for the vent.

You know, it is easy to be "outgoing and fun" in an affair relationship. No day to day problems, working on relationship, boring routine tasks that must be done.

I think your wife is just more into the "fantasy" part of an illicit relationship.

Thanks for that reminder, believer.

That was actually one of the best parts about our "Q&A" session.

She actually acknowledged that the affair wasn't "burdened" with a mortgage and kids and home repairs. It was fun.

I was very encouraged that she "saw" this.

So, I guess my job is to help her remember it. Seems unfair somedays -- but I guess an affair ranks near the top of "unfairness".

Thanks again -- the things that make us a family and are part of our marriage are the things that she needs to value more than the "fun" of an affair.

"the things that make us a family and are part of our marriage are the things that she needs to value more than the "fun" of an affair."

And these are the real, lasting things.

That's why I don't believe in too many questions. While I realize that the BS DOES need answers, I think it is a complete waste of time to try to figure out the crazy thinking of affairs. It is just mind boggling to me the way these WS's "think".

Yes, those are the things that last and matter most.

While, as I stated, some questions can be harmful, and while I also said that her answer to this one really has me hurting, I think I needed to hear it.

One of the things I'm trying to figure out about my wife is whether or not her affairs are huge mistakes by a normally upright person or are they symptomatic of a character flaw.

Given her answers, I hate to say I'm leaning toward it being something more deeply imbedded in her character. I didn't think this before.

So to me, the important takeaway is that I can't rely on remorse and repentance to act as a buffer to this happening again. Sure, those things may play a part in forestalling another affair (which would be the end), but I must keep myself constantly on the alert for signs of dissatisfaction (long term, not short term unhappiness) to prevent her from taking the "fun" route again.

I don't know. Perhaps I'm not thinking too clearly. Long, tiring weekend. Must think some more.

Thanks

Artor,

There comes a point when you do have to let it go.

I caused myself too much pain to get the FWW to try to tell the truth. It just went on and on.

She was very committed to not telling me.

I got to the point where there was no ROI. Actually what happened the truth made me more angry about something that happened after the A was completely over. In my mind if I knew .... I woudldn't have ..... She didn't think that way.

If I could do it over again. I would have walked out the door and said I will not stay with you if you will not be honest with me. I will not commit to trying to save this M if you will not tell me the truth. I think in this entire process I wish I did that. I think she was lucky because of the kids. That is all under the bridge though.

Forget about the resentment you have for not doing it. That killed me. I am in sales I have been away from home quite a bit. Numerous real opportunities. Never took one. Her A was her first real opportunity. Oh well what can I do about that.

I my mind the only thing I need to believe at this point. It will never happen again!!!!! If after all of this I beleived there was a chance now (I know I didn't think it would happen before but things change) I would have to leave.

So stop present your FWW with the questions you want answered and a time frame you want them answered. If she does not agree have a next step.

For instance. These are the questions I would like answered. If you cannot commit to giving me what I need to recover from YOUR A then I will not speak to you for the week. If you still don't answer them I will.....

You need to stick to them too.

Make it clear YOU know what YOU need to recover. She can give you what you need or not. She has no right to tell you you don't need it.