Anyway, she's staying till the end of the month.. what should I do? Plan A her when she's at home until the day she decides to leave?

Yes yes yes .... Plan A your butt off. You have an opputunity here. Just be prepard to have to go into Plan B when she leaves if you need too. Or you can continue to Plan A until your ready for plan B

Wishing you luck...

Still

Thanks still,

She got back and we talked for a short while. She said she had reconsidered her 'plan' and would not look for a new place and sign a lease so soon. She would still move out come April, and bunk at a friend's place for a month while she considered about whether she wanted to work on the marriage or not. Her initial plan was to move out for 3 months to cool off, and most likely to then leave for good.

She said it was easier to make that decision when she was away at her mother's place without having to face me. I just shrugged my shoulders and said in the end the decision was hers to make.

Actually I realized something. My sense of loss and fear of loneliness stems mostly from MEMORIES of what we once were. When I look at her now, I don't feel and love or affection towards her, but for who she once was. Will the W be forever lost inside the WS, never to emerge again until perhaps one day when its too late?

Devastated,

I don't know I ask this all the time. Unfortunately when I look at my WH my heart still skips a beat. Then I get crushed.

I'm so glad that she is going to stay that will give you more time to Plan A. Have you reas SAA ? When you need to vent come here and take care of you.

Still

Hi still,

Her plans up to the end of the month at least hasn't changed. This morning I woke up a bit angry at having this thrust to my face and we sat down and talked. She said she was really unhappy in the marriage and would really like to have her freedom to be single again. She said it takes two to work on a marriage, but she UNWILLING to work on it, at least at this point. So she wants time off to cool off and to think and she said that even if she does decide to want to work on the marriage after that period, I may not want to already. I didn't agree or disagree.

I told her that to make a decision like that was selfish and she agreed. I said not only would it hurt the both of us, but my family as well, who took her in and accepted her as one of our own, loved her as one of our own.

Just sitting there looking at the WS -it seemed like I was talking to a complete stranger. I told her "its funny how you know someone, and yet you don't" and I walked away.

I suspect that she's just biding her time looking for a new place to move to and come April she'll move out for good. I'll grieve and wait a couple of months, then I'll most likely make the decision to move on and leave her behind forever.

Its hard to plan A at this point, especially when I'm hurt and angry at her decision to not want to work at the marriage. Can someone help me? Any advice or words of encouragement would be much appreciated. Thanks!

Don't let her call YOUR shots.

That's for you t/d. If you need her out, then tell her to go when YOU are ready. Expect her to balk just because it is your request and NOT her demand or idea. That is when you know you are dealing with a WS.

L.

Hi Orchid,

Thanks for replying... I feel so alone. She's treating our home like a hotel, only comes home to sleep, leaves in the morning without a word as to where she's going or when she's coming back. She even said she's sick of "reporting" to me. Not willing to make any kind of gesture to restore the trust she's broken but to blame me and to say that I'm taking the affair as the cause of everything when its not. Huh? My character and behaviour in the past (DJ's, lack of conversation, different ambitions) -how can that compare to an AFFAIR?? The WS is stong in this one.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, I was thinking about trying and contact one of her friends whom she's thinking of moving in with who in all likelyhood doesn't know about the A. She had also recently broken up with her boyfriend and is looking for someone to share a place with. Good timing huh? Should I call her up, tell her I need her help or to just listen to me cause I hae my marriage's best interest at heart and want to save it and to see what WS has told her about why she wants to move out etc? WS won't listen to anything that comes out of my mouth, but maybe to her friend? From what I gather so far, all her friends (the few that knows she wants to move out) tell her to do what she thinks is right -which is of no help to the M. I don't know what else to do now

Ok, so this has been going on for about 3 months (since you found out in Dec), right?

No contact just started around 1 - 1.5 months ago.

Your wife is probably in withdrawal and has to go completely through that stage before she's going to be able to even decide to work on the relationship. You have to decide what you can do in the meantime. If you think you can't Plan A -- because you're frustrated or tired or whatever -- then why are you trying to convince her to stay in the house?

Your best bet is to either:

1.) make the decision to Plan A, grit your teeth, and present the best picture of what being married to you would look like without expecting her to get on board and work on the marriage for a while. Concentrate on filling her needs even though what "you did" wasn't "as bad" as what "she did."

Don't resent or blame her for your decision to Plan A or for 'taking without giving' because that's the way the plan is designed to work Don't resent her for being in withdrawal because that's what WS's do. It's like resenting a dog for barking.

Set a time limit on how long you're willing to do this and follow it as best you can (with an eye to revising that deadline if you find you're really out of steam).

2.) Acknowledge that you just don't have Plan A in you. You can't set aside your expectations. You can't bring yourself to allow her withdrawal. You need to have her make the decision to be 'in it or out of it' on your time frame (ie. RIGHT NOW). You can't trust yourself to not LB, not bring up relationship talk, not pressure her, and not build huge globs of resentment that she's not running back to you remorseful and ready to make it up to you.

There's nothing wrong with that, if that's how you feel.

In that case, you're probably ready for Plan B -- and her leaving the house is a good idea because anything you're likely to do is going to be a LB for her. And, anything she's likely to do is going to be a LB for you.

With her in deep withdrawal and the time frame involved, I think this is risky at the start BUT not as risky as ....

Whatever you do... please, please, please make a decision because the absolute WORST thing you can do at this juncture is do Plan All of the Above! where you flip flop from being Mr. Nice & Understanding (Plan A) one day and Mr. Needy and Demanding the next.

If you do that, all you're going to teach her is that you are impossible to be married to because you're nice and tolerant one day and going off the deep end the next. One of the interesting things about reinforcement is that random reinforcement tends to train people (and animals) even faster than steady reinforcement. In other words, if you're trying to train a dog -- you start off giving it treats every time it does what it's supposed to do. Then, you taper off to giving treats occasionally -- randomly. It actually works better. People aren't that different. They tend to notice the random, unpredictable patterns more than the steady ones that blend into the background. And, we're wired to WORRY about the bad ones.

The best help I can give you is to decide what you're doing first.

Then decide whether you really want to fight to keep her in the house, after all.

Oh, and by the way, creating scenarios in which your wife can't move out is probably going to work against you.

Mys

Hi myschae,

Thanks for your post! Man I'm an idiot. Believe it or not but I completely forgot about the withdrawal part of the Plan A/Plan B thing, so focused was I on the day to day events. Also I was never sure if she had NC, only taking her word for it that she has had NC.

Anyway, after reading your post, I decided that I could at least plan A her until the end of the month when she's decided to leave and stay at her friend's place for a month (according to her). So I asked her to come into the room and we watched her favourite TV show together and I kissed her goodnight. No R or M talk until the end of the month.

But thing is, what do I do when she moves out? She has said the one month away is to allow her to think about whether she wants the M. At this point, she can only think negative thoughts about the M. After she moves out and stays with her best friend, I reckon they'll be going out with friends, almost every night and she'll be having a great time with her new-found freedom. Of course, domestic married life will pale in comparison and I will know what her decision will be at the end of that one month. So what do I do?


Didn't quite get this. Can you clarify? Thanks

Devastated01,

Myschae posted some good points to ponder. To expand on it, you can let WW's friend know from the POV that the friend may not be aware the WW is moving out for very selfish reasons. Depending on the friend.... if she is real smart she will withdraw her offer, or let the WW move in with her but be on the alert (it is tiring to have to watch over a WW because you don't trust her - you can relate to that one right - well that's what her new roommate w/b doing), or the fried will just have to learn the hard way.

So if warning will help you feel better, do so but let the friend know it is from the perspective of letting the friend know the real truth because having to watch carefully over someone you don't trust is hard work and you just thought the friend outght to know. The issues c/b losing trust from losing items in her home to borrowing $$, to out right lies. Let the friend know that the WW has changed and it not a good W or friend right now so she needs t/b careful. Yep, even the 'friends' of the WW w/b the next target once she leaves your home. It doesn't just stop with you. Sad comfort piece of info but it is true. So you have the option of watching it play out or fighting it and then watching it play out. IMHO, choose the first and spend your energy working on getting you a safe plan (aka: plan B).

One thing you can do to help you and damper her plans is force the WW to move out BEFORE she is ready. Complete your expose, make sure your mind and heart are in sync, your finances are in order, if you have children secure their custody, then kick her out BEFORE she is ready. WHY? Because one thing WS' don't like is being told WHAT t/d. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Hi Orchid,

The problem is this: she doesn't behave any differently to anyone else except to me. Three of them are planning to move in together, WS and two other female friends of hers, one of which knows about the A, or at least, WS's version of it. I don't think the other one knows about it at all, or at least she didn't a month ago when I asked the WS if her friend knew the reason she's been "having problems" with me.

I don't think the friend would be concerned about losing money etc, cause WS is not like that at all. She has a well paying, stable job with a company (first day was today, actually) so $ is not the problem. Then again I really didn't think she would cheat on me either.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

The other person influencing her is her best friend. She and I have never really gotten along, but to be fair to her, she had also told WS to try and work it out before. So for most part, they are taking the stand of "do whatever you think is right" with her. And this friend whom she hasn't told that I want to talk to is the least closest one to her. Still, I have to try and will give her a call later to see if she's willing to meet up.

After thinking about it, I've decided not to call the friend up just yet. DOn't think it would do much good anyway except to give WS another reason to tell me why she can never forgive me. This friend would have the least influence on her anyway, as the other two closer ones know whats going on and yet do nothing to discourage her from this path. They all think "she will do what she thinks is best, and who are we to make the decisions for her?"

Man, after being so contented to be in a marriage I don't know if I know how to date anymore...lol. Will spend the rest of my life single? Growing old all by myself? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I've started the D-diet again... no appetite since Friday after she dropped the bomb... oh well, if nothing else, at least I'll look slimmer after this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Right now I'm realizing how hard this is hitting me. I thought I was strong, I could endure, I can handle this, I don't need her, if it happens, it happens. I will be ok tomorrow.

Then I realize how much pressure I'm under which sends me to tears again. It doesn't take much: WS is out (as usual), and mum calls me. Before she ends the conversation, she tells me to try and go back to church. I get annoyed, and I tell her I don't have to go to church to believe. She pushes, says I should try. Finally I tell her that while I believe in God, truly believe, I have lost faith with the church (I won't mention denominations). She sounds annoyed and dismayed and then says ok take care and tries to end the call on a lighter note, but can tell from her tone she wasn't happy with me.

After I hang up, I burst into tears. Me, a grown 31 year-old man, sitting in front of my computer weeping. From frustration, from pent-up anxiety over this entire ordeal. For the first time in this entire episode, I'm left standing without any cards left to play. WS is calling all the shots and I don't know how to handle it. I'm frustrated because I'm helpless and can only watch as the love of my life walks out that door come the end of March. And I know it is the end of our M when that happens.

You're not an idiot! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Not knowing about NC makes it hard to figure out where she is in the process. Each new contact resets the clock, unfortunately.


Good. Good.


You do the best you can. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

It might be time to go to Plan B. It might work out that you can stay in Plan A a bit longer. It's hard to tell until you have more details, I would think.



That's why a really strong Plan A is needed now to leave her with a positive impression.



You know, the grass always looks greener on the other side, doesn't it? The grass might even BE greener -- for a while. But, everything gets old, otherwise people would never give up that free stylin single life to settle down and get married.

You can't control what she thinks or what she decides to do. You can only control your own actions.

The best advice I can give you is: Do what you can live with.


I'm sorry, I might have been confused. I thought you were trying to convince her friends not to let her move in with them in an effort to "not give her any place to go." I misread what you wrote.


Do you think her friend might be uncomfortable living with your wife knowing the nature (same sex) of the affair?


{{{{{{{devastated}}}}}}


You handle it by being a man you can respect and not worrying so much about whether or not your wife notices. It always comes down to a choice by BOTH parties. You've made your choice and she seems like she's still waffling around with hers. In the end, she DOES have to choose. If she doesn't choose the marriage, then having her there with you won't be a positive thing, anyway.


You aren't helpless and you haven't lost any power that you had. You never had the power to make her choose anything -- if you thought you did, that was illusion. She's had that power all along. The only power you ever had was to decide what YOU were going to do -- and you still have that.


It ain't over till it's over.

Hang in there and don't be too proud to go to the Dr. for some help if you need it.


Mys

Thanks mys for coming in when you did. I really appreciate all the help you and the others have given me, or by just being supportive. I realize how important friends are right now as friends I'd not kept in touch with in the past are now showing me that they're real friends, calling me up every day to ask me how I am. My best friend (and bes man at my wedding) and I were both sniffing with tears in our eyes when we were voice-chatting over Skype just now. I didn't know how much he emphatized with me until just now, and I'd not updated him from just after D-day till now.

I will of course put on my fake, cheerful plan A face for when she gets back later -probably around midnight. I no longer know who she goes out with, or whether or not she's back with OW. We'll watch more TV later, she's currently hooked to the series Heroes and I've recorded the last few episodes for us to watch together. I will do my best to plan A her before she leaves. Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(((Devastated)))

So sorry you are feeling down today. There are days like that. And I think it's okay to cry... you need to let those emotions out. Just try not to let them overwhelm you. Not easy I know... this is something I am still working on and not being very successful.

I wouldn't think about dating yet... but you are only 31. That is young, it's been awhile I know. What do you think I think ... I'm 45 and haven't dated in many many years

Still

Hi still,

Haha, I'm still young at 31? Man I don't feel young.. lol

Anyway, WS came home and said her friend called her and said I was upset. He was chatting with me online today and I guess I sounded pretty upset to him, so he relayed that to her. She told me again to not treat that one month that she's moving out as a separation, or that its definitely over, but rather a time to let her think and decide on whether she wants the marriage or not. She remarked that if I forced her to stay, what good would it do if she didn't want the marriage and pretended she did?

For once, I didn't say much, just that it was her decision to make. Then I changed the subject and asked her about work and we then watched some TV. Kissed her goodnight and thats it. Plan A for the day done. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

She's trying to keep you waiting.
By saying that she's only going to be gone a month.

The best thing you could do is act as though you are moving on -- without her. CONFIDENTLY!

That will snap her back to reality quickly.

I'm going back a few posts to grab this quote from you Dev, I always look for the BH to say those words exactly. They almost always do. LOL, it's BH script!

Humor aside, that's a tough lesson to learn: You don't have control of the matter at all, you only have control over you. I hated it as much as you do now, the "not having control" over something. It's our man-brains trying to bring logic to the illogical.

Separation:
Those who posted to you are right when they say "don't let her leave on her terms" - because that's dangerous. Separations are dangerous, period. If you can avoid separating, do it. Don't try and control, manipulate or force her to stay in anyway, but if it can be avoided it's certainly better. I agree with Orchid, if it's inevitable, and you have everything in order - kick!

I see a lot of wayward in your wife right now. Why does she need to leave to "think"? I don't "think" she does...I "think" she's already done with the thinking part, and that's what worries me here.

I'm going to read through the last few pages of your story and catch up. Do you believe NC is truly in place? I don't, I'm allowed to be your pessimist.

Continue working on yourself, and get strong. Act Happy. Act perfectly happy with the situation while you continue to SNOOP, SNOOP, SNOOP.