OK got me there again. Off the top of my head, I'll probably give it till April. If things are still status quo, with no signs or progresing then I'll take the next drastic step, probably in the form of more exposure, plan b and/or a D even. Don't wanna be a chump and wait and wait for someone who doesn't even give a damn about the years we've both invested in this relationship.

OK..exposure is part of plan A..not in between plans A and B.

Doing it that way seems retaliatory and undoes a lot of your plan A efforts while you are no longer able to meet her ENs [plan B].

So right there I'd say that's a bad plan.

When exactly is she going to her parents?

That could potentially be a plan B timeline...worth having a look at anyway.

What are her top ENs and which ones will she let you meet?

What are your LB areas and lets brainstorm some ways to get around them.

I have a bit of a blitzkrieg approach.

Thanks for the help noodle. I'll answer some of your questions later tonight, when she's out for dinner with her best friend or when she goes to bed. She hates me coming into MB...lol

Harley should put up a new slogan "MB, every WS's worst nightmare.." lol

Just an update since my last post 3 weeks ago...

First of all, sorry to noodle -i didn't get around to answering your questions and your offer for help <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Basically, we took a week off and headed back to our folks' place out of the city. During the week, we were somewhat affectionate one minute, slightly cool another etc... basically, the usual <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I've returned home, but she's stayed on at her parents place another week and a half, won't be back till end of next week, as her new job only starts the week after that. She wanted some 'time apart' and I did ask her before I left if she had contacted the OW and she said she didn't, so I left it at that.

Anyway, the 4 days I've been back, we've only had 'cordial' conversations on the phone, never exceeding 3-4 minutes each time. I didn't call her yesterday, nor did she call me, but today I thought I should call and I did. No affection on the phone, more like 2 acquaintances speaking over the phone, asking about mundane every day matters. It's not a good sign, but the past few days I've been contemplating NOT working on the marriage anymore, and as each day passes, I think I'm getting more and more used to the single life again, and it scares me.

I guess after spending 3 months plugging holes in our relationship without much encouragement from WS, I'm starting to tire of just constantly trying to be the good guy to make things work, while she just stands there saying "Hmmm, I'm still deciding if I wanna help you". When I think about it, I do still love her, but I don't know if I love her ENOUGH to keep doing this indifinitely until she shows some signs of coming around. I gave my plan A till April, which is just another month away, but I neither know if that has been enough time, nor what to do after April -D or plan B?

Am I just fooling myself that my marriage can work again, when she is soooo ambivalent towards it, especially when all I want her to do is to be SORRY for what she did and show me some sign that she's sorry for what she did to me and our marriage...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

This will probably be one of the last few updates, I think.

Basically after 3 weeks apart (she in her parent's place out of the city), she came home today. I picked her up from the bus station, and had a pretty silent ride all the way home, with both of us trying unsuccessfully to make small talk.

Got home and went out for a quick dinner and I noticed her not wearing her wedding band. So I casually asked her "I take it you have made up your mind since I don't see you wearing your wedding band?". She smiled and said "How observant of you". Not wanting to get into a serious discussion over dinner in public, I smiled and kept quiet.

When we got back I asked her, "So, is there something you want to talk about?". And she basically told me she had decided to move out and that "some time apart would be good". She mentioned how this was affecting her health, how she got an anxiety attack this morning when she thought about coming back home to me and how she couldn't breathe and had palpitations. She said her mind was more or less made up to move out and stay with a friend who was moving to the city as well.

I asked her if she was very sure this was what she wanted, and she said yes. She said she was in church last week with her mom and the pastor's sermon was about mending relationships and when the time came for them to go up and pray for their relationships, her mother asked her to go up and pray. She told her mom no. She said at this point she doesn't even want to ask God for help to save the marriage, and how much stress she was under, though she tried to hide it from me. And about how she needed a break before she had a nervour breakdown.

I sat there in silence for most part. I sort of saw this coming and to be honest, I was also losing hope already by this juncture. So I said, OK, if you want to go, I can't and won't stop you. I told her she didn't need to move out immediately -I was not kicking her out. So she said for the sake of rental payment (to be fair to me) she would stay till the end of the month. That would give her time to scout around for another place. She said she may leave earlier, but that she would pay her half of the rental in full, like that was my main concern! Anyway, she's moved out to the second room already.

I shrugged my shoulders and said that since she mind was made up, then her mind was made up. Didn't bother to try and talk her into staying cause maybe I'm also sick and fed up about how she always sees herself as the victim. Oh sure, she says she knows we're BOTH hurt, but she has no idea what she has done to me. And perhaps I've had enough of her selfishness. I don't know..

I don't feel much of anything. Maybe it'll hit me tomorrow morning, maybe it won't.

Oh yeah, she asked me what I thought, and I said what does it matter? Your nind's already made up. She asked me if this means divorce for me or a break, and I told her the ball was in her court and what did she think. She said, well, maybe a 3 month or 12 month separation and see how it goes. I didn't mention to her, but I think for me, I'm inclined to move on at this point and file next month or the next. Hasta la vista baby!

Hmmmmm, just wondering: What do I tell ppl who ask where my wife is? Shoudl I say:

1. We're separated *uncomfortable silence* Then change the subject

2. Oh, we're separated cause she had an affair wtih a lesbian *super ucomfortable silence* Then change the subject

3. Oh, she's fine. Not feeling well so she stayed at home

LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

It rather depends on who you're speaking to:

If it's a social contact (friend):


If it's a business contact:


If it's your maiden aunt:


(you don't need a heart attack or stroke on your conscience. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

Mys

LOL... yeah, definitely not! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I guess I'll have to get used to staying alone. Maybe I'll get a dog or something...hmmm....

Woke up this morning wondering: What more could I have done to save my marriage? Post-A, I exposed, I plan A'ed, tried not to LB as much as I could. What more could I have done?

Now its reached a point where she's leaving, and I'm not very compelled to stop her. How did we come to this point?

Devasted,

I don't think I ever posted to you... there is one thing you haven't tried. At least I don't think you have. Have you thought about Plan B?

I'm so sorry this is happeniing to you.

Still

Huh? Plan B? She's moving out end of the month. Isn't that like a Plan B? (initiated by her in this case, not me)

When she moves out.... have absolutely no contact. Write a PBL a last love letter per se.

Let her feel what it would be like to not have you at all in her life. No contact at all.

My WH moved out about 6 months ago... we are in the process of Ding. A D I do not want. I'm going into Plan B in the next few days. It hurts to much to see him.

So yes you can Plan B when they are out of the house...actually that's when you do it.

Still

Thanks for replying. I think the most important, or worse thing about these kinds of situations is how alone you feel. I was fine yesterday, today even though she was with me in the morning (we went to close the joint accounts) we hardly communicated to each other, so it was worse than if she wasn't there at all.

When I think back of everything we've shared, been through (not just post-A), I feel this tremendous sense of loss, almost the same as though someone had died. You know things will never be the same, I'll never experience any more beautiful moments with this person who was my world these past 4-5 years we've been together. I'll come home to an empty house, a place we shared the last 3-4 years in together, creating memories, sharing dreams.. and weep for all that has been lost.

I asked her over lunch if she had really thought this through, if this was what she really wanted, and she said she was not completely sure. I replied that once she signs that lease for the new place with her friend, it was for a minimum of 12 months and I thought that that would be the end. She was silent and thoughtful. I told her she didn't have to make that decision, she was welcome to stay and she said maybe a few more months and see how it goes, but I doubt it. In my heart I already knows she's gone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

She's not even gone yet and yet the pain is more than I expected it would be. Man, this sucks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

It is expected for you to feel this loss. But think about it, losing a WS is not as hard as losing your W. Right now you are losing the WS. Your W has been kidnapped and needs to be set free.

When is the WS going to set your W free?

L.

If she does 'wake up' from the fog one day after she's moved out, pride (not wanting to admit she was wrong), uncertainty and an extended lease on her new place (which she's sharing with 2 other close friends) would prevent her from coming back.

She's coming home in a while, and I told her over the phone we needed to talk. I know there is nothing I can say to make her stay. I think the fact that she'd already removed her wedding ring days ago before she got home, and that she told a few friends of her plans to move out indicates her mind is already made up to leave. But I have to try. I will not plead, I will not beg. But I have to try to make her see that this is a mistake

You may be setting yourself up for a disappointment but I understand the need to try. Just remember you can't teach a WS anything of value. Their fogged brain doesn't get it.

Take care of you. Protect you. Protect your home, family and all that is good from the WS. The WS in her own way, will attempt to sabotage you and your family.

JMHO,
L.

(((Devastated)),

I know the feeling of lonliness...believe me these last 6months have been very lonley. Sometimes my WH would say how lonley he was out at the camp he leased... "you know I get lonely too". The thing is he has his MOW the nights she can get away for some physical contact and to help that lonliness. I may be way off base... but I do have my kids and friends. I just don't have any real physical contact and man I miss that. I think he's trying to make me feel sorry for him. He chose this path.

And I know what it feels like to be lonely when they are right there next to you.. in the same room or even the same bed. That is so much worse.

I hope your conversation goes well with your WW... I have had those convo with my WH. I don't think he heard. And bot do I still want to have them. I really have to believe that he must of heard something... and the WH just won't let him digest it.

Still

Thanks guys for the words of encouragement. We talked for the better part of 2 hours, with me talking most of the time (as usual). I asked her why she had decided on leaving, and she really couldn't give me a definitive answer. She brought up past problems, also that she was unwilling to try again.

In the end I ended up teary and I said I couldn't understand why she wanted to throw all we had away without a reason. I held her and she started to get teary eyed and I told her there are many reasons to divorce, but we didn't have a good enough reason to do so. I asked her if she was in contact with OW, if she had broken NC, and she said no. I then said that was good, and that there was no reason then why we shouldn't continue counselling. We had stopped after 1 session.

She said "What do I tell the counsellor when she asks if I'm willing to work on the marriage?"

I replied that if every couple that went for marital counselling was 100% committed to their marriages, then counsellors would go out of business! I asked her what did she have to lose by trying? Would she rather walk away now and then kick herself in the future because she didn't even bother trying?

Anyway, I wasn't getting any answer so I just asked her to think about it somemore. She got up and went out to meet her friend (the one she's thinking of renting a place with).

Anyway, despite how it went, or what her ultimate decision will be, at least I know that *I've* tried all I could think of to save my marriage.