SL:

Let me clarify: By responding in an apropriate manner, I ment, he needed to come back under the terms of the PBL. He didn't do that.

((SL))

LG

SL:

I am normally seeking advice rather than giving, but I will say this:

Separation is an oxymoron. You don't separate cleanly, you are torn apart. And of course when something is torn in two, both sides retain and lose a part of the original. So it is with marriage - you have lost a piece of yourself to WH but you also carry pieces of WH with you. This is where the pain comes from.

The correct term should be Legal Marriage Tearing.

Nope, LG, in that case, he DEFINITELY did not respond in an appropriate manner.

I find that it takes a set amount of time for the BS to figure that out, and it has taken me a while. Being past the 'holidays' has helped quite a bit. I now know why I hear people speaking of their distate for this time of year. It's a crazy ride of it's own. I did, however, enjoy watching my son Christmas morning. What a joy that was. He COULD not sleep (fell asleep after 11PM) and woke up EARLY. He ran into my bedroom and said with slightly containable excitement "mommy, Santa came, santa came..." It brought me back to my childhood in a flash!

Now that I have signed the LSA, I can sit in silence for a while before more action needs to be taken, as I'm sure I will be the one filing for D. The man I love no longer exists, that's a fact. It's taken some time, as I said, to allow myself to see the truth; there is a lot of pain in that truth, so I've put it off until I could handle it better.

If I were standing outside of this, I would HAVE to ask why anyone would suffer so much for someone who OBVIOUSLY doesn't give two sh!ts for you. I've always thought this way myself. I guess you just don't know until you are in the trenches...

I think back to the pain I have suffered, either caused by me not accepting things or caused by my WH's hurtful words or behavior, and I find it surprising that I didn't lose my marbles, fall off the deepend. I always thought I was strong, but now I KNOW it.

Funny, LG, you say one line, and I have diarrhea of the mouth; but that's how I have always have been... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

SL,

Yes you are strong. Like a regular Wonder Woman.

I think that until we believe what others say about us we are fine.

Slowly and surely untangling ourselves from the negative forces of a bad relationship takes time, energy and it can hurt. But if you are successful you don't hold that burden any longer and it is easier to feel free and happy.

I decided that my M was going to be about two very different people working together toward a single positive goal. If that couldn't be achieved or agreed on then it just make sense for me to go it alone.

I think you realize that it is better for you to work toward that positive goal by yourself. I know you will get there.

Hi SL,

I think you are doing just great....through pain, insights, future plans...I see you blossoming...like any beautiful flower...

Hang in there!

((((((((((SL))))))))))

Just wanted to throw my "DITTO" in here! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm still thinking about you!

Frog, Luna, Rin, et al.

I feel better every day...I've actually felt a sense of happiness come over me since signing the LSA. It's strange, but I'm enjoying it, just in case I hit another downslope. I look forward to every day.

The Ravens are in a battle for the Superbowl, so everybody in 'town' are goin crazy! I'm going out for my birthday (the big 35) with some girlfriends, and I have a pajama party to attend with some girlfriends from work. This month will be fab...I'm learning to like just being me again. I didn't realize how much I had buried myself in family and frustration. The winter is, for the first time in a while, not getting me down. Who knows what tomorrow brings, but I'm not thinking about that now, finally learning one day at a time...

SL,

I have good days and bad, they're probably 60/40, respectively. It's getting better. I'm getting better.


While reading your thread I was reminded of an example that showcases why there is so much time involved in healing...

When two people are married, they become one. The example goes like this. Take a piece of pink construction paper (you) and glue it to a piece of blue construction paper (H). Let it dry completely. Now try to separate those two pieces of paper back into their original form. You cannot do it. Little pieces of the pink and blue stick to each other...with most likely a huge portion of the middle still completely joined. This is just like our lives. The microscopic work that it takes to actually and completely separate those pieces of paper is very time consuming. We will probably always have little pieces of our "blue" paper attached to us. But with time, we can remove it bit by bit. Every time there is contact it is like glueing some more blue back to us!

I know it's a little lame illustration, but it has a lot of truth as well. With time, you are right, you will become you again.

God Bless you and hang in there...you have made it this far, you can keep going!

IHC

IHC,

It's not a lame illustration. It's well done! I know that I will always have little pieces of that R with me; I cannot imagine a life without what I have done so far, and I wouldn't want to.

I enjoyed being married; I worked very hard for it, for a good R. I don't think I failed, I just think that I got a little off track, but there is no going back. The naiveness of that first marriage, having children together and growing old together; that is all lost. I think I mourn that NOW more than anything. Having what I DID NOT as I was growing up, not only for myself, but for my child. I cannot force WH to see the damage that D inflicts on a chile. He has never been privy to that personally, as a child. I have. It does effect you. I just hope that I can leave with my DS a sense that love is a choice, not a duty. It's difficult to tell someone that M is forever, when they see you are divorced.

SL:

I pulling for the Ravens and Saints in the Super Bowl....

Enjoy the game!

And the 60/40 will get better....

LG

My supervisor and our BOSSMAN are going to the game together tomorrow! Lucky dogs...

sl,

Having what I DID NOT as I was growing up, not only for myself, but for my child. I just hope that I can leave with my DS a sense that love is a choice, not a duty. It's difficult to tell someone that M is forever, when they see you are divorced.

I think you are doing a great job showing your child exactly how it should be. Just because events happened that you have not been in complete control of doesn't mean you can't show your child how it is supposed to be. Many times parents do that in other areas of life...imparting wisdom with how things could have been done differently, how to avoid this pitfall or that...You being the best mom you can be is the best gift you can give him.

I think you have held up amazingly and wanted to encourage you to keep on!

IHC

((((SL))))

Just wanted to throw my hat in the ring here. I am inspired by your strength and dignity. I'm sure many of us have felt as you do...amazement at not having lost our marbles (not completely, anyway). Not only did you keep your marbles, you collected all the jacks. You are a success!

But it still stinks...best to you and DS.

I have a friend at work who is about 6mos pregnant, and I talk to her quite a bit about my sitch; she's quite wise for someone who is 8yrs my junior. Anyway, she said something today that made me a bit sad...

Her H called (he's in Germany on business), and he said that he'd been thinking about her alot today, and can't wait to see her tomorrow, can't wait to be home...

She said that words like that are better than any gift bought from a store; I said that I had to agree, and that I can't remember the last time my WH told me something like that. It's times like these that I realize that I haven't had my needs met in so long, that I had forgotten that 'I' matter, and am not just a maid or mother, but a woman just wanting love. I must say, I miss the little things that my H USED TO do, so long ago...

I have to learn how to show MYSELF how special and unique I am AGAIN. It's been a long time. I have hope that someday, in the distant future, I will find a partner who cares so much about me, that he takes the time to tell me that he's thinking of me...

Let's just say that the green-eyed monster of envy has poked it head out...

SL,

You will one day. I know it.

I think the difference will be knowing how great you are and how much you are worth.

I devalued myself in my M and my FWW agreed with me.

I will never devalue myself again. I know I am worht a million bucks and guess what I will not let anyone tell me different just so they can get my services for less.

I think you realize that now and will demand to be treated like a million bucks as well. Knowing that you need to treat your partner like a million bucks as well.

We each have our own lives and our own stories and it is easy to let the green eyed monster peak it's head out. Guess what the FWW used to tell me she couldn't wait to see me when I got home and she missed me so much too. We were the perfect couple then you know what happened next.

So don't compare yourself with others cause only they know their whole story.

Have a good weekend.

Frog,

I'm beginning to have an awakening about what I want a R to look like, and, toward the end and after the A, well, it looks nothing like it!

I have begun to accept my loss, as it is easy to push it aside and deny, and harder to face, but I'm doing it.

Something that does make me sad, directly, about WH; I will, most likely, never see him recover his own broken heart; He was really a bit of sun in the rain. It's a shame to lose a good soul...

Now, I have to make changes, and get on with my life. I'm ready, a bit reluctant, but ready. It's time...

SL,

Me too. It is wierd how you can get into an R then get M. Live together and then one day I woke up and realized I had no idea what my idea of a good R or M was.

For me I figured it out. It was hard and I had to bang my head against the wall over and over but I figured it out.

For me it is two people working toward a common goal. That easy for me.

With all of our differences if we are working together everything will be ok.

I know now if I ever have a sitch with my FWW that we are working against each other like we were before then it will be corrected. If that means a D I would be ok with that. I wouldn't like it necessarily but life is too short.

Been there done that.

I put a call out for Mimi and Luna (former or current Plan B'ers), but any insight will do...

I recently signed my LSA, and felt a bit down, but I'm doing better every day. My question regards part of the LSA. In the document, it states that we will live separately, as if never M, and that this, OUR house, will here out be deemed my PERSONAL residence. I would like for WH to FINALLY move out his personal belongings, and whatever he deems his (that we don't both lay claim to). I feel like my existence here would be easier without constant reminders of WH in sight. This may mean that I have to give up some of the comforts that I've grown to like, but I'm willing to do that in order to gain more inner peace.

I asked WH to move his stuff out prior to the LSA and he refused, complaining that he didn't have anywhere to put it and couldn't afford it, and my lawyer said that I couldn't force him to remove his items without the agreement. I then packed his clothing up and some personal things and banished them to the garage.

I just want to get some advice on how to proceed. It's something that I have wanted done since July...

I would like to know how to approach WH, what to say; HEEEEEEELP! I would like to just heave it into the middle of the road and let stray vehicles ram his stuff, but I'm pretty sure I'd get in trouble for that one, not just for damaging WH's property, but causing road hazards... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

"WH, this is SL. Your personal effects are ready to be picked up. They will be boxed and waiting on the front lawn starting 1 PM today."

then

just put them out there during daylight hours

if WH choses not to come get his crap
someone will take it off your hands when it gets dark

Pep

Wow, Pep, on my thread, I am honored by your presence and [email]d@mn[/email] fine wit!

Works for me!!! I've been harboring this dang fugitive for long enough...