as always

consult with your attorney before following Pep's more salty advice (heavy on the vice)

Pep

I would be a HYPOCRITE to give advice on this one.

My H NEVER got his stuff...

I gave a lot of it to a MISSION HOUSE...

I moved the GOOD STUFF that he left hanging in HIS CLOSET with me to our new house..which he eventually moved into with me...

I even kept the furniture from HIS CONDO...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hmmm, well Mimi, that's cool...

I really want his stuff OUT OF SIGHT, and also feel that they are his responsibility, part of his NEW LIFE (yuch!)

I put his clothing in the garage, but he still has sooooo much more STUFF that I would like gone (he's a home brewer, so he has bottles EVERYWHERE, books from his IT school, NICK NACKS, etc)

I CERTAINLY UNDERSTAND you wanting to get rid of the stuff..

In my situation, turns out there were GOOD REASONS that he "COULDN'T BRING HIMSELF" to get it...

SL:

Just read your thread and thought I would like send you a hug and support for going through such a painful experience, as I am.

My WH is also out of the house and I am dealing with feelings of anger and frustration for losing that feeling of knowing what is going on and being around him. This is very recent, of course, (Dec 17) but I can totally relate to your feeling of just not wanting to let go yet. However, that decision has already been made by WH.

Just this week, I have been reading Dobson's "Love Must be Tough" and have found it very helpful in understanding how some WH may be feeling. I don't know if this will ring true for you but it does deal with "letting go" and just concentrating on you and sticking with boundaries.

I also can relate to your feelings when you look at your DS and feels such pain on his behalf because of WH's absence. I too am feeling that and I think a lot of BS must feel this sense of anger, frustration and hurt on behalf of their children. You are a caring and loving mother and it is to be expected that you feel this way.

Anyway, as far as I can see, you are getting stronger and more confident every day. Good for you. You have already weathered this storm and sounds like you have future plans that will be good for you.

Concentrate on you and your little boy like you have been and let your love for your son be your beacon.

There will be happy times yet for you. I know it.

Freya

He bought all new clothes to wear during PLAN B...

Now those clothes..I've been getting rid of..the clothes he wore while living with her...YUCK....

As you've said before, I ASSUME nothing about why he hasn't taken his stuff. Mostly, I THINK it has to do with his living situation. He doesn't live in his own place, he lives with his best friend and BF's girlfriend. He complains that he can't AFFORD to take his stuff....

Whatever the truth is, it is too difficult to go through the process of letting go with his THINGS all around me. I need to make this home about ME...as long as I have to live here...

And when we were still IN CONTACT..but he was not living at home..he would actually GO STAND INSIDE OF HIS CLOSET...as if reorienting himself to REALITY...

WEIRD THING ABOUT THOSE CLOTHES..that I still haven't figured out....

I REALLY, REALLY UNDERSTAND...

I felt that way about THE ENTIRE HOUSE...

That's why I had to move....

I was just talking this out some...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I have thought of moving over and over and over...

I would like to start over in a place of my own, when the time comes. Logistics of the housing market are not so good for those of us wanting to sell, so I may be here for a while, unless I just can't take it anymore. This was OUR home, and that alone makes me long for what is no longer real. I have a WAYWARD H. I don't know him, and must accept that his actions say 'I'm gone'...

It would be easier not living here, but I have my DS to think of in all of this mess, so I'm going to make lemonade from this VERY LARGE LEMON...

Follow Pep's advice about the stuff....

I just HATE that you have to go through this...


I soooo know and understand about the PAIN that you are feeling...

(((((SL)))))

Freya,

Eerie, you posting here today, I just read your thread. It really is a script that we all follow, and, possibly, the worst nightmare I have attempted to weather.

My DS is, sometimes, the only thing that keeps me rowing toward that lighthouse. I have good days, though, and look forward to more detachment, and more happiness.

I think about what it might be like to be in a HEALTHY R with someone new, and look forward to, someday, attaining that. It will not happen until I am whole again, and that may be a while, and that's okay.

I think this is what my WH has done; I keep getting fliers from Lord & Taylor with his name on it...He must be shopping there now. Waaaay different taste that I remember, but he is around a young, hip crowd where he works...not that he's terribly old, just very changed...

Mimi,

About that pain that I am feeling...

Why do I still HOPE that he wonders about me; this man has LEFT, has CHEATED MULTIPLE TIMES (PA, EA, PA? - in the course of 1.5yrs)?

I still find myself wondering about if he thinks of me (mostly when I'm pre-menstrual--SORRY GUYS--my emotions are hightened)

I still think that I would accept him back (in a former wayward capacity). What kind of an idiot am I? Why can't I hate him to the core? What the H3LL is wrong with me?

I think letting go of "I hope that ..." is very difficult

it's human what you are going through

so
nothing is "wrong" with you

it's pretty easy for me to be indifferent or hateful toward your WH ... because I did not love him one time and make babies with him

NOTHING is wrong with you

got it?

Pep

He's your H..you love him...

From my understanding, that's what PLAN B is all about..to PRESERVE THE LOVE you have for him...that's why you go into PLAN B...

He continues to have deposits in your LOVE BANK that were not deplenished...

Continue with your SELF-HEALING and SELF-FOCUS....

I am one that continued to feel the pain of the loss..like EAV..but I carried on with focusing as much as possible on MYSELF and TRYING to wipe the thoughts of him out of my mind...

FOCUSING ON NOW..the PRESENT MOMENT..STAYING BUSY, BUSY, BUSY, BUSY helped the most for me...

Hi SL,

Your threadname just caught my eye....but like MIMI I have to desist....still have lots of things of WS at home (but no clothes)....

I remember when WS first moved out...I also thought of maybe moving myself....fearful of the 'memories' and daily reminders of staying in our 'family home'...but I was too devasted to contemplate a move..... and for me, it turned out to be NOT so painful over time... in fact, it gave me and the boys a better sense of what had happened...WS had moved out....abandoned family.... me and the boys 'remain'!

...but I also do not have an LSA in place.....WS has given no indication of wanting anything 'legalized'....and no indication of not respecting 'financial' arrangements...

...in the meantime, I am in my own way....'appropriating' our home and making it 'mine' by rearranging and buying new furniture.....

...in my case.....inspite of everything...WS 'moving out' and maintaing A with OW..... in many ways....WS is indirectly... showing 'signs' that he is ambivalent about his choices...while I remain in PLAN B....firmly holding on to my boundary of no R with him as long as OW is in the picture... and making choices and building a life AS IF...H will never show up at my door....

...I am taking it a day at a time....no major future plans... and no plans for any future R with others.....just enjoying discovering my own capabilities and functioning ALONE....the company of my friends...watching my boys grow.....following my own 'rhythm'.....as you need to follow yours.....

....although what we have in common is being a BS....we are also very unique....and we all have our own way of handling our challenges.... what is going to be important for you to evaluate....is what you need to help you 'move forward'.... and if getting rid of your WS 'things' is one of them.... then it just becomes a matter of how to get it done.... consult your lawyer.... with a LSA in place...I do believe your WS is 'obliged' to remove his things from YOUR home! ...this will help HIM in the 'reality check' department.... as I suspect....as long as he maintains As.....he will not be part of YOUR life in any way...and asking him to remove his 'stuff' from the family home....is being consistent with that committment!

I know this was tough on you SL....having your WS agree to a LSA....is also a reality check for you...that your H is nowhere in sight!

All I can say, SL....is that life is a process... it's 'managed'... and I think you are doing a terrific job of it! .....keep rolling with the 'punches' but still 'remain standing'...

...life does get better if you just hang on!

((((((((((((((((SL))))))))))))))

SL:

I wouldn't recommend using Pep's idea until after the LSA is signed. You can give him notice about the timelines for certain things like this to happen.

And then put it out on the front lawn.

But, you are living in his old family home right? So there are alot of reminders there and things that are his and his families from way back.

So, this requires you to tread somewhat carefully. He is a WH. But there is a world of difference between tossing stuff out of a house you two "found" together, vs the old family home that you moved into after your M to him. Some of those strings may be used to bring him back, one day.

You could however, put his stuff into boxes, and put it all in the garage. Then throw a blanket, tarp, etc over it and hide it. You don't have to look at it that way. You could even move it to one of those storage places. It might cost $100/month but you do not even have to walk around it. Give him the key after LSA day and have him pay the bill. So he either cleans it out or the storage people will sell his stuff.

Some of the Plan B realities are tough. This is one of them.

And you are not broken. WH is. You will get stronger over time.

The H you once knew has disappearred. Until he returns, which may never happen.

OK?


Bout those Ravens.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Pep,

Thanks, sometimes I feel like my own 'alien' invasion hit, and I think I'm nuts for wanting my M. I guess I'm just human...

Mimi,

As always, you know just how to put things in perspective. I have begun to live day to day, and I don't focus too much on the future OR the past, just blips of pain here and there.

Luna,
I am still on the fence myself, about how to handle all of this change, but I think, for me, removing his things from the house will help, at least give me a cleaner slate to work on...

LG,

I don't plan on chuckin his stuff on the front lawn, but I do plan on gettin it outta here. There isn't much remaining of the 'childhood home' he grew up in . We have done a lot of remodeling, and made it our own, so there isn't much that doesn't just belong to US anymore. I plan on being diplomatic, and fair; if he ABSOLUTLEY will not move things from the house, I will ask that he place them in the garage with his old clothes.

Part of the reason his stuff is NOT in storage is he complained that he could NOT afford it.

Bout those Ravens....disappointed! They just never even got goin... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

...life does get better if you just hang on!


Hanging on by the tips of my fingers...longing for better days, learning how to get there alone.

Currently packing up books and things from computer room. listening to Chicago on iTunes--big mistake--Colour my world comes on, my wedding song, and the tears uncontrollably roll down my face, as I read a TM from WH stating that he'll get some boxes together.....I wonder if I ever knew him at all, or was it all just a dream.

Beware...some set-backs may occur...