Great to hear about your GF willing to be an intermediary...

..so, rather than chipping away... make that: LEAPS ahead!

I'm feeling pretty good today.

My 35th birthday is next week, so, i was looking to celebrate this milestone with friends. Last minute I started asking my friends to join me for food and drinks at a great place in b'more...Pazo...they have this really great laid back atmosphere with sofa's and comfy chairs; very hip. I really like the place for special occassions.

Well, it went from me, my sis, and a couple of friends to 20+ people. I am soooo excited. I feel so important all of a sudden; last minute and almost everybody I asked is going to show. It makes me feel loved...

I have begun packing up some of my WH's things, so there are boxes all over the place, but I look forward to claiming more of the house as mine, so I don't have memory after memory assaulting me as I enter the house. I have covered some of the furniture with new colors and new pillows. I'm thinking of rearranging my bedroom and livingroom. I'm getting there. I plan on finishing the tile work in the bathroom, and by the time I know it, it will be spring again.

One of my girlfriends throws really great parties, and I'm going to her pajama party on Feb 3rd. So I'm booked up for my free time...My social life is pretty good...

Luna, I think that you are just amazing, and I hope to be able to get to a better peace with all of this; I do still hope that there is a chance to keep my family together; one day at a time, though, one day at a time...

SL,

Good for you. You are doing great on this.

I think as you go through this things you thought you couldn't do you are.

I think that is great.

The trigger thing stinks. I don't really listen to the radio much and with digital cable I can screen some stuff. If it says an A leads too.... I don't watch it.

I think as you see a positive progression in your life based on this experiance things will get easier or better for you.

Seems like you are going down that road.

Good for you.

I used to watch 'Gray's Anatomy', and my H loved the show (this is after his A), and it turned out to be about a man whose wife cheated on him with his best friend, and then he cheated with Gray. We would watch together, and I cried during almost every show, quielty. I normally couldn't sleep after watching that, so I would wait until WH went to sleep, and cry, convulsively, for awhile...it was awful. I just didn't have the guts to stand up against WH's behavior, including what television we watched. I stopped watching since he left, even though I do like the show, it just became too hard to watch...

My point is, that show was just ONE BIG TRIGGER, and WH never knew or understood; he would look at me like I was crazy for crying (I know he knew why, and I'm sure the guilt for him, when I did cry, was probably very difficult, but he never comforted me, NEVER).

I stay away from many, but I love music, so I need to work through those triggers...

I still can't bring myself to look through old photos, and have removed whatever photos i have that DS won't make a fuss about (I took a pic of WH and DS down, from when we were at the beach together, because it made me physically ill, and tear up; DS noticed and asked where it was, that he liked it, so I put it back up for DS).

One day, moment to moment, be in the now, these are the things I tell myself.

SL
I also used to like Grays Anatomy... but can no longer watch it. I also find it hard to watch Reba to (even though it's a comedy. Just to close to home. It does kinda of suck that we are surrounded by triggers and it's as if nothing affests our WS.

Like you I'm taking it one day at a time.. although I haven't gone into Plan B yet but will do it soon.

Sh

SL..that was the first thing I did!....you'll see, you will better afterwards...my bedroom is now actually my 'haven'... 'my corner'.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Since I got cable this summer....been watching 'sell this house' for quick and cheap ideas.... what it seems to always come down to....is getting rid of the clutter (particularly WS clutter in our case) and a paint job... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I inherited a very 'cluttered' basement...and I have the 'chipping away' technique going on....aiming for the summer, again!



As a matter of fact....I find that to be one of the positives of this whole experience.....it's always 'preferable' to stay in the present... and learn from the past.... and plan for the future....

...before, I had my 'future' mapped out..... now....it's an 'open-ended' deal..... and infinitely more adventureous!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I do like the open ended part of being in the now. I had everything mapped out too. No more, I like taking it day by day. It's not that I have lowered my expectations, it's that I can concentrate more of my energy today, on who and what's really important RIGHT NOW.

I've spent so much time on WH, what ifs, maybes, nevers, hows that I was tearing myself up. I've learned that if I deal in the now, I can accomplish soooo much more. Putting the new carpet in my foyer proved that to me. I just decided to do it, and it was done. I have applied that to my life. It's really so simple, and I haven't lived like this since college.

I look forward to most days now, and that's a positive step for me. I'll still have bad moments, but I have found that I am still able to have an overall good day, if I stay in the present.

FIRST RESONSE regarding WH removing his things from the house is not great.

He states that he still 'owns' half of the house until we settle on something there (which could be two years from now) and doesn't feel that he should have to put his stuff in a storage facility. HOWEVER, our LSA states that the house is my domicile and should be treated as such and not infringed upon, as his domicile is his and the same applies.

I really think that finances may be a problem for him, and my problem solving nature is to 'help' however I can...

He mentioned putting 'weather worthy' stuff in the garage, but I think if I give an inch there, he will take a mile. My intermediary is already getting shaky, and is uncomfortable with this. I may have to go back to how it was before, as I can't force her to do this. I feel bad for her. She hates conflict (just as my WH does)

He's probably stewing right now!!! I'm sure he has painted me as some shrew for doing this TO HIM...LOL.

I don't think it really has to do with him being wayward so much as him feeling entitled to HIS home. I don't think it's been about me for a while...

I too rearranged some parts of the house a bit. When WH came over for Christmas to give the kids their gifts, he said, oh you got this etc, etc. He did notice things were different.

My question is... Won't WH seeing us moving on and doin/rearranging things differently as I am nullifying the fact that he ever lived here and now he won't feel welcone in the home anymore if and when he decides to come back?

Or am I looking at it wrong?

He already made a comment awhile ago that the house doesn't seem the same anymore and that he doesn't feel welcome here, feels like a stranger, it has changed so much that he probably couldn't come back anyway. I really didn't do that drastic of a remodeling!

Well, I rearranged the whole house, starting with the bedroom. I did it all in eggplant colored stuff, including a lacy mosquito net that hangs from the ceiling over the bed.

WH noticed it and told me it looked like I was moving on without him. But in truth, that was just another excuse, afterall he was LIVING with the OW.

This is my home, and I am going to enjoy it. I made the decision to take back some of my life. Of course, we are DIVORCED now, but I'm happier, and he has an awful life. But that was his choice.

Now I'm into the "less is more look", so I'm changing everything again. I've been off work for 4 days and have boxes all over the house - some to take to swap meet, some to donate. I'm getting rid of tons and tons of stuff.

SL,

Sorry to hear that. Maybe have your Lawyer give him a call then. I know it costs money which stinks but have your Lawyer tell him that if he has to he will call his lawyer and that will cost more money then him just getting his stuff out.

Quick and to the point.

I'm trying emailing him through intermediary first. I had intermediary mention to WH that I will be renting a dumpster and throwing what 'I' would consider TRASH out at that time. I would never consider throwing anything of his OUT that I KNOW is valuable, but he would keep an old Bic pen if I allowed it.

I just want to get rid of as much stuff as I can to make room for storage and to prepare IF we sell the house or if I have to move out.

I guess I find it intersting that he EXPECTED that I would just keep his things here until we sold the house or he bought me out (which could be up to two years from now). Like this house is a holding station for his 'former' life, until HE wants to deal with the financial woe. I figure we are SEPARATED, and all that entails. As the LSA states, "as if never joined in matrimony". I'm sure we don't both interpret the document the same, but it's pretty clear that we are not to 'molest' the other or 'exert' or demand any rights to reside in the home of the other. I ASSUME (sorry guys) that this includes property.

I'm not doing this to be vindictive; I just don't want HIM all around me. Am I wrong? Go ahead and thwack me with the 2x4 if you think I'm crazy.

I truly think he believes I am trying to punish him. The way I see it, I'm finally taking care of myself...

Seriously, I could have pulled a 'waiting to exhale' thing and burned his things in his car...but that's CRAZY <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />


Believer said it, it may not go very easy...

Don't throw anything out, or even threaten to. My WH had this HUGE ugly, homemade tool storage and work station thing in our bedroom. It was about 6 feet tall and 5 feet long. It was so heavy that I couldn't move it.

So I had a garage sale and got my sons to move it into the yard. I had a price of $5.00 on it, and no one bought it all day. At the end of the sale, I called up Goodwill, and even they wouldn't take it. So it was hauled to the dump.

My WH had a FIT when he saw it was gone - and this was after 3 years of me storing it. It was just one more justification for his affair - "my wife throws out my great stuff".

SL,

Well you are working through it. Sometimes figuring out the right way to do it is exhausting.

I don't see you as being punitive about it right now. Punitive would be throwing it away or burning it or destroying it.

I wouldn't want that stuff around and I can't think of anyone else that would either.

Actions lead to consequences. His actions lead to this sitch and he needs to deal with it.

You are not wrong in asking for this.

I have no intention of throwing out anything that he deems inportant to keep. If he REFUSES to move things to a storage facility, I'll cross that bridge then. I will have a call into lawyer tomorrow (tried today, but she was out) to assist with how I should proceed.

I WILL, however, be renting that dumpster; if WH wants me to keep furniture here, that can wait, but CRAP will be thrown out (old wires, old radios, old nick nacks paddy wacks, old papers of very little importance, etc.) I'm just not the kind of person to throw out others' stuff without giving them a chance to take it.

I'm listening t music, packing up his books in the computer room...ran across an OOOOOOLD photo album of WH when he was probably around 3. What an adorable little boy he was. I cried; that child is nowhere to be found. I'm okay now, and continue to pack and move stuff around. I'm GOING to do this; it's going to happen. I NEED to do this...I need to...

lmfao

knick knack paddy whacks. That was funny as all get up.

OMG sitting at work laughing at that.

Good for you. I think you need that to move to the next phase of your life.

Thanks for the laugh.

Oh, I just told Eav this, but my WH SAW and SPOKE to me this evening, not my doing.

He came to the door to drop off boxes; I guess for ME to pack up more of his stuff; he normally does not come to the door, but I opened it to let DS in and wasn't being observative enough to see that WH was approaching the porch.

CRAP, what was I to do; I saw him and was cojoled from the inside to speak (D@mn that brain of mine); so I said what are these for, he said they are boxes for packing.

I sort of figured he would gather his own boxes, set a date and come over to pack up his [censored]; I didn't realize he would just be bringing me boxes. I think I'll just leave them sitting in areas where a concentration of his stuff is so he can use them..

Anyway, he said, "oh, i received your phone bill due to my change in address..." and trailed off. Uh, okay, was what I said.

Whatev, he is lost to me and to this life.

As I said on Eav's post, there's nothin like no choice when making a decision. WH didn't ask to keep from moving out, to work on M, so his decision, by so graciously supplying boxes for me is for him to move on; same for me.

I guess, I still feel that he loves me; I can tell, but it's not enough to just FEEL something for me, you must act upon it, and he's like a tree stump...

I refuse to be sad about this every dang day of my life... I simply refuse. It's too much to ask of a girl who is going to CELEBRATE her 35th birthday with ALL of her friends. I AM loved, actively, by my friends...

SL: Sounds like it wasn't such a great day....but you are looking forward to your fun plans with your friends, and that is wonderful, wonderful! Despite your "moments" of feeling sad, you "refuse to be sad about this every dang day of my life..." I love it. You are so inspiring!

I hope WH sees that...and it may make no difference to you either way...but it will be satisfying nonetheless when he begins to see the light. And it will be GREAT for your son.

((((SL))))

LilSis,

You NEED to know that you are doing a great job, and that we all know how difficult a task you are PERFORMING...it is soooo difficult, but you are doing it...WE see it; your WH CAN'T ignore it (poor sod, he's a puppet). You have a very good chance of getting a CHANCE to recover.

I see WH at the door, and I can TELL that there is something that he wants to say; I can feel it....

He would sacrifice everything and go through divorce before opening up...at least that's the way things are looking...

I have no control over him....and that's okay; I actually prefer knowing this to how I used to think I HAD control...what a CROCK!

I miss my J, My H, but he is gone to me. I closed the door and thought how silly it was that a Married couple couldn't even REALLY speak to one another. What a shame, what a HUGE LOSS...

Not really my BEST day on file, but tomorrow is another day....(wait, is Scarlett O'Hara here...) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Silent:

Just getting caught up with your situation and I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling right now.

Just remember, this is a low point right now and KNOW that tomorrow you will feel better.

Remember you have no control over WH right now and can only control you. It's okay to acknowledge the bad feelings right now.

I see a lot of hope for you and your WH. Go give your son a big hug and tomorrow is another day.

Sending hugs


Freya