Oh no...NOT CHICAGO...NO LOVE/BREAKUP SONGS...

Only NEW AGE (George Winston, Jim Brickman) or GOSPEL during that time.. for me...

The music that you listen to DOES MATTER...

I felt like hearing 'Make Me Smile' and didn't really think about it after that...

I've been listening to women lately, Joni Mitchell, Annie Lennox, Cheryl Crow, KT Tunstall, etc...Can be very empowering.

Chicago is twofold for me; great memories of childhood, hangin with my mom on a balmy spring day in Atlanta, planting tomatoes and dancing...plus my wedding, my H, much of my life.

SL,

You are doing great.

Here is a funny thing. I got a new job. Much better then the old job. Partly why I don't post as much.

Any way I did not really like the old job. I was basically asked to lie to customers. Being an honest person that was hard. LOL

Anyway I dreaded going to work. Hated my job. You Know what though when I walked out the door I was a little sad.

It was weird. I mean I had a much better job then what I had but I was still a little sad.

It was part of my life.

We can't ignore what we have been through or where we have been.

I can say this. That crappy experiance helped me get the opportunity I am in now.

So the bad job gave me the experiance to get the postion I am in now.

I love it and I make a ton more money.

So the setback is normal. The feelings are normal but what you are going through will get you to that better postion.

Pack up his stuff tell him through your intimediary to pick them up or you will put them in storage. Pay the first month rent then tell him to start paying or they will confiscate his stuff.

I think one of the storage places drops off a container you pack it then they take it away.

Hey Frog,

Yeah, PODS drops off, but they are VERY expensive compared to 'regular' storage facilities.

Also, I have a small sports car, that doesn't transport very much in one trip, and WH has the Subaru wagon, which will hold more, so I would just as soon have him do the transporting. I told him that we can arrange a time to have this all done, but I'm sure, as usual he will leave it up to me to set the time and date. He would leave everything here, his entire history, for as long as possible; I'm unsure why. I guess it's just work that he would prefer to put off. That's his MO, why not put off today what he could do tomorrow...

I, basically, have no intermediary anymore, that kind of feel apart, when some of my discussions with WH made her uncomfortable, mostly re: him picking up his clothing and visitation with DS. So, I have resorted to TM's; so that there are no voices and no tone, just business... emails, to me, are too personal, and lead to more than one, whereas typing things out one dang letter at a time keep me from doing it very often...and keep the messages short.

About the setback...I just wished that my life was the happier, easier one. I wish that I could stop caring, stop hurting; I spent 16 years with him, and I'm finding it hard separating that life from my life now. I sooooo want to, but I guess it's just not that easy. Sometimes it's just too much pain...I wish I could fly away...

Not good, SL...

The TMs count as contact with him...

Note your reaction to his TM about the boxes...

You are OPEN to anything he has to say....

NOT GOOD...

Oh SL,
I am so there, where you are right now. See my post about contacting my H first OW.
Colour my World... that was what we danced to as a last dance at the junior high dances.. and I'm 45 !!!!
Now my kids last song at JH dances is Stairway to Heaven!!! Another song from my JH days,
I really cam relate about the music.. it seems almost everything now a days has to do with infidelity. I really like Angel eyes ( I think that's the title til I realised it was a man talking to his lover)

I've been keeping up on your post and find we had some similarities. Except I'm in the process of a divorce. And we have been together for 27 years and M 22.

SH01

Mimi,

I am fully aware of the impact of his TM's, but I have no one else willing to communicat with him about 'business' re: our son anymore. People really just don't want to be involved. At first, everyone was so willing to help, and I enlisted wherever I could, NOW, the whole situation makes many uncomforable and they do not want to really talk of it anymore. It's rough, because there is usually something to work out with our son; I keep it to a minimum, but it is necessary. He sometimes forgets to pay the child support and alimony, so I send a TM reminder, just saying FUNDS?, but nothing else. He doesn't respond, just puts money in the bank...

Any suggestions on how to handle this would be great, but realize that I have no intermediary, unless someone wants to volunteer? My family is out; WH REFUSES to communicate through them; my friends bailed. I don't exist to his friends, so I'm left with me. We actually do not talk very often. Last communication was the Plan B break when he called the house.

I just thought that I had to deal with what I had. Again, any suggestions are fine with me. My lawyer said that she would charge me to do it, but I don't have the funds for that.

I really would just prefer all of this to be over sometimes, so I don't have to hide away. Sometimes I feel stupid, like I can't learn what so many have on these boards. I just lack support, familial and friendswise. I can only control me...

What should I do?

stillhurting,
I read your recent post about OW#1. I don't know if I could ever talk to her.

I grew up listening to all sorts of music, stuff my mom liked and my brother (he's 8 yrs older than me). I have fond memories of '70's music...My JH years were the '80's...I'll be 35 this month...

Mimi,

I called another friend of mine, that I work with, actually, very close friend, she used to live with me. She knows the situation all too well (I have actually stopped talking too much about details, so she assumed WH and I had no contact). She said that she would be happy to help be my intermediay, as she knows how difficult this must be for me.

I'm so happy I took the chance to call her. I was feeling very alone.

Since the TM from WH, I have already bounced back, but I don't need that slump to deal with at all.

Sounds like you are doing well. I would definitely pack up all his crap, and hire a couple guys with a truck to move it to storage. Pay one month, and send him the keys.

I felt so much better when I got rid of WH's stuff. He was like your husband, doing anything that I requested just wasn't that high on his priorities.

So I loaded all the stuff in my car and a friend's truck and took it right over to where he was living and unloaded it into his pickup and left it. He was FURIOUS. Didn't bother me at all - I had politely asked him numerous times to remove it.

It felt good to reclaim my living space.

My 'NEW' and glorious intermediary is going to speak with WH and let him know that he needs to set up time to get his stuff. It's amazing the stuff that he has too. I only packed up half of his books and it was 3 large boxes. I will be setting up times for WH to come, when I am not here. I know that I will feel better with his stuff out of sight.


The alternative to this, is that I will be taking his stuff and placing it in storage, giving him the key and leaving the rest up to him...

I figure, after most of his things are out, I will have very little need for contact; and now my intermediary will deal with problems arising regarding my DS. I feel a bit of relief...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks mimi,

I just didn't have the courage to call up another friend to have them turn me down. I know what a strange position this puts people in, but my GF at work was 'happy' to help. She is really my closest friend, but I haven't been laying stuff on her lately. I felt guilty always talking about my WH; she says that it will be a world lifted to get his visible presence from the house.

I'm so glad I have you to talk to; thanks for the 2x4. I really needed that tonight...Hugs to you across the universe...

I hope it goes smoothly for you. It didn't for me. I had WH's stuff around for over a year. He had taken all the valuable stuff right after D-day, while I was at work. He left a lot of junk. Finally I just got sick of it.

believer,

I hope so too. WH's clothing is still in bags in the garage; he took the 'valuable' stuff, as your WH did.

This time around, I'm hoping for a more complete removal; like to another location. I'm not a storage facility, so I hope he doesn't choose to put stuff in the basement, to which I will put in storage and AGAIN, hand him the key...

It's really a brilliant idea. Heck, if he had a flat bed truck, I WOULD take stuff over there and leave it, but, alas, he doesn't...

I don't think any of this has or will go smoothly, I just want it to start to go, at this point...

When WH's stuff was gone, I rearrange the whole house, painted, and got some new accent pieces. It felt so good. Part of Plan B was reclaiming my own life back.

I don't want to take credit but I think that was my idea.

Hey anyway this it the third time I have tried to post to you today.

Keep moving forward. It is a beginning to something and from the way you sound it is something good. Heck I think something good is already happening.

I want you to raise your right arm real high, now reach across to the other shoulder and give yourself a big pat on the back. That is from me.

Glad you got a new intemediary.(sp) Something positive. You acted and did something and got what you wanted.

Yeah for you.

sl,

I think it is so funny that WS's don't really care about their "STUFF". They take the "impt." stuff right away, then leave the rest. In my case, WH didn't want anything from the house...not his big screen tv, surround sound system, pictures,...( too much reality for them I suppose!)

We on the other hand, treasure all those things...I think because we are still in reality!!!!

Sending you hugs!

IHC

IHC,

Thanks for the hugs. I need them...

Reality sure does play into how I feel...

Hi SL,


You will be surprised how many triggers music can provide..even unknown songs....because of the lyrics.....and movies for that matter...

When you want to give yourself a break.....I would stick to instrumentals for a while.....for its low-risk factor of triggers... that's what I do....and careful about what movies you watch as well.....I still have a hard time seeing scenes when 'cheating' is involved....

....uhmmm.... maybe moving out to a deserted island might just do it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

SL....it's the new 'normal'.....EXPECT triggers.....I try to make it a game.... like, asking myself: now, why is that a trigger?.... and find the link...some triggers are not sooo obvious...

...and of course, work diligently to 'purposely' avoid as many as you can..... well.....PLAN B....and not SEEING or TALKING to WS is the biggest trigger-avoid of them all.... LOL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

....I am very visual, I see the A as having planted 'hidden' mines in my very beautiful garden..... and my strategy is to first avoid stepping into them....and then figure out how to deactive them!

...a new milestone for me this past week....was able to LOOK at pictures from the 'past' without it being excruciatingly painful.....and so...I actually enjoy going home and right as I get in....I have a 'collage' of my two boys when they were little welcoming me!

Now...that's what I call progress in BS-land!

My next projet is a MAJOR housepaint job....maybe by this summmer??? ....sounds like you might need to move one day??

(((((((((((SL)))))))))))))

I tell you, SL....you are doing great....keep chipping away at 'it' like you are....and you will get 'there'!