I was asking myself why I would want to remain married to a man that would continually hurt me in the ways that he has? The truth is, the more time passes, the more I know that I wouldn't...

I did not mean to sound disrespectful. I'm sorry it came off that way. It looks like I'll be able to come by Thursday, so if you could leave the house open, I'll do what I can with the time that I have. I'll mostly be working on smaller items as it will only be me moving stuff. If the big stuff has to move, I'll have to wait until I can get some help to relocate.

OK, now I want to say something. I've been thinking a lot about things and trying to find a way to talk to you, but I haven't been sure how to approach it. I've been trying to figure out how to read the messages I've been getting from you with regards to moving my stuff out and, on the surface, it seemed that you really want me to clear out and disappear, but I don't think you do. If you would rather be welcoming me back home, let's talk about that. It's time for me to stop being silent. Here are a few thoughts I put together in light of recent events and feelings:

I'm sorry about what happened with the tm last week. Once again I feel embarrassed and awkward. I'm sorry for more than just that, though. I have wronged you in so many ways and then things like that happen that don't help the situation. I guess everything happens for a reason. I'm hoping that reason was to give me a reason to talk to you. I know you don't believe I would do anything like that deliberately. Truth of the matter is that I've been thinking about you/us a lot over the past couple months. I have kept my feelings to myself because I've been trying to determine if what I feel was only because I longed for the holidays or if I truly longed for you. Now, I'm worried that the timing of this message will be in question, with you recently pushing me to gather my belongings, but I don't want it to devalue my message never the less. I wanted to send you a happy birthday greeting last week (happy birthday, btw, better late than never, eh?), but I wasn't sure how it would be received. Frankly, I'm not sure how this will be received, but I'm sending it anyway because I have to know if you still hold out any hope for us or if I should accept the consequences of my actions and move on.

But, I could also say that 'accepting' that is just another instance of me taking it without any fight. I miss you, Carole. I miss our family (even Lucas, lol). I miss your smile and your laugh and bringing those out in you. I miss your silly jokes, your goofy mannerisms. I miss your longing looks, your warmth. I want to be more than just a co-parent, more than a signature at the bottom of a separation agreement. I want you to know that our 15 years means more than what I've diminished it to. I want to be that good man you talked about when we spoke on the phone last month. I am that good man. I am still your husband; I am still the man you fell in love with; I am still the man that swore to forever cherish you. You know me better than anyone does or ever will. I weep every time I read that part in one of your previous letters about how you hope that I’m still making you laugh somewhere in your dreams. Forget the dreams, I want to be making you laugh in real-life. I am putting myself out there for you now, Carole. It's my turn to show you what you are worth. It's my turn for actions. Even though this is just an email, it is an action; an action that I hope is a first step toward something better.

I talked to Bill last week, and even though he said he didn't like to talk about it, he still holds out hope for us. You certainly seemed to when last we spoke. So, I am asking you now...am I too late? Have I done too much damage? All I know is that through all of this, working things out with you is the only thing that has seemed to make sense. And not just because it's the 'right thing to do', but because I have realized how important and valuable what we had really is--I am not whole without you (Minime, you complete me). I had questioned whether it really was possible to have met someone so early in my life and have that sustain throughout. I am a believer now more than ever. I know it sounds like I'm over-simplifying it, but it really is simple. I think all it takes is for us to reaffirm what we know to be true.

Love is enough.

xxxxxxxxxxxx I want my baby back. Something else that has helped me to gain sight of what's important is watching DS. I've seen changes in him and I can tell those are a result of the caliber of mother that you are. He and I have fun together, but there's been many times when I wish you were there with us to share those moments. I think I've been doing pretty well as a dad. I have my moments where I lose patience with him, and I know that's just a part of parenting, but I've been working on things like that personally. I do realize that he'll only be 4 for so long (a mixed blessing) and I do fear what I'm missing out on by not being a part of his everyday life. I embrace having him in my life and I realize how precious and few these years are, not only in his life, but in our lives as parents.

Many challenges lie ahead, but I am able to keep sights on those moments in life that make you realize all the trials are worth it. Those trials are in place to keep things in perspective. I guess what I'm realizing here is that I will be ok no matter what after this. Having learned what 'this is what it's all about' is about is that all important lesson I sought after. But I don't want to be just 'OK', though...I want what we started out on this journey to be; I want greatness. I want you. I want what I used to take such pride in--a relationship that people envied. I feel silly quoting Yoda, but something has stuck with me after watching Star Wars with DS and that is "Do or do not--there is no try." I'm not about 'trying', I'm about 'doing'. There's no more 'wait and see.' We can work, C, I know it. We did once, but I gave up on it instead of telling you what I needed and vice versa. I know what it will take, and it won't be easy, but you are worth it; WE are worth it. Where are you, movie buddy, the only person who truly f'n gets me? Fact is, I know where you are, but where did I go? In search of something I thought would fulfill me, only to find what I was looking for right where I left it. Well, I sure hope it is, anyway.

I expect you to take this prattling at face value. I’ve given you no reason to take it as anything more than that given my history. But, I’m hoping to change that. Give you reasons to believe in the sincerity of my words. Allow you to open yourself up to me again without fear of rejection. Baby steps, baby steps. How's that for rambling? Except it's not running off at the mouth, it's running off at the heart. You mighta caught a niner in there, maybe I was calling from a walkie-talkie… Dealing with life is all a matter of what you can get used to, and I realize that you've been forced to 'get used to' a life that didn't include me, but I don't want that to be the case. I may be out of my mind here, but you can feel free to write me back if you don't think I am. Think about these words and maybe we can start to talk about more than business. --J

I told WH in my PBL that I would need him to be transparent, and we would need to BOTH consider counseling (M and IC). I told him I would not be in a R of more than me and him, no third parties, no emotional outsiders.