I don't know Freya, it's been 1.5yrs of ****** for the both of us; I don't know if he'll ever return; I certainly don't expect any miracles like I used to; AS in, he will return because he loves me, I love him. I really couldn't believe that he would not come back to me. I thought he would for a long time....Never has, has always stayed away, and even started a NEW relationship with another OW...

I don't hold out much hope for him to return any time soon...I actually believe that it will be in MY best interest to move on, and, most likely, file for D this summer; not as a scare tactic, but reality....it's not that he doesn't care for me, he CHOOSES not to love me, as I need and should be loved, and that is no good for me. I'm beginning to grow tired of this limbo...I'm not good at limbo...I'm trying, and that is the most I can ask of myself. I feel like I've shown him the way, and that is all of the power I have...the rest is up to him, and if he was a fish, I'd have to say, he's not biting.

The impression I left him with may have been bad, I dunno, or he has been decided on this for a long time, I dunno that either. I only know that NO action is pretty easy to read...

Oh, lord, I'm starting to sound like 'oh, poor me' again...not a good sign...

LG, Frog, Rin, Mimi, IF YOU READ THIS, don't hit me upside the head, I'm fine and going to be fine, just missing the little things; I saw his face tonight, and he saw mine. Not good for me; he's breaking my Plan B--I'm sure on purpose...not fun for me...not what I want, not at all!

When I see him, I wonder what he thinks of me---like, wow, she looks terrible, chubby, sad, happy, jovial, desirable. It allows my mind to wander around looking for an answer to an unasked, unworded question, and I feel ridiculous even admitting this. I don't feel panicked, as one might think, I feel sad that we can't even say what's in our heads (and I'm sure he had plenty to say--he just received he email about moving his stuff out--and he didn't seem happy with the request)...meh, anyway, diatribe over...gonna go get some sleep...have to get two crowns tomorrow

I tell you what....this M is one ****** of a ride!!!!

silent

maybe his leaving things at your home is a way of hanging onto the home you have together and the feeling of still being with you and your son.....

we all know that i'm the furtherest thing from being an expert...but if i were you, i'd have to send an e-mail through an intermediary telling him that it is just too hard for you to pack up things from your lives together because you are still hoping that he will come home. i would tell him that he will have to do this himself IF it's what HE wants. (i'd always give both the message that i want to save the marraige and the opportunity for him to change his actions)

as you said to me....he would have to think about the reality of the situation as he packed up your lives....and he would have to "feel" the pain of what he is doing

I'm pretty sure that most of his problem is financial. I also think he believes he should leave his stuff here, as when the time comes, he will be buying me out of this house and moving back in anyway. I think he still has most of his body in LaLa land and maybe his pinky in reality.

In the break in Plan B over a month ago, I told WH that I loved my H and that I wanted my family, and that I wanted my DS father to come home...I wrote the PBL letter in the same fashion; I really don't know what more I can say that hasn't already been said.

I don't plan on packing all of his things; the boxes he left will be put upstairs and he will be informed that they are awaiting the day that he chooses to come and remove his things...

I have to say, and many may think this is horrible, but here goes...

I'M TIRED OF HOPE!!!!I'm growing tired of MB, as it asks of me to gather strength every day that I don't know if I can do...It asks me to be quiet, to Plan B and push my H further and further away, and then the [email]d@mned[/email] hope that I've had for so long dwindles and diminishes before my eyes and I grab and grasp for as much as I can keep; all in what looks like a worthless fight.

The only fight I have is with myself, to keep from contacting WH, to move on without him, to take care of myself and DS...

I think I'm on the verge of true acceptance; I'm not crying or losing my mind. I just live in the real world, where people sometimes choose fun over the responsiblity of a family. I don't feel like my H loves me so much as sees US as a responsiblity that he is shirking. People sometimes fall out of love and don't WANT to go back, and that's what I've been handed most of my life, why should now be any different. Yes, we have a son together, but only ONE of us believes in FAMILY and M. It's pretty cut and dry...

See, I say these things on this forum, and people respond and swack away with 2x4's and dig me out of yet another emotional hole, but, when confronted with my face, my WH says nothing...HOPE IS BEING FLUSHED DOWN THE TOILET, and I may be okay with that...

I'm tired...

It's sooo BAD for YOU when YOU see him..was for me, too....

((((SL))))

Silent:

Plan B is a method of removing WH from your life and creating a new one for yourself that no longer includes WH. But if WH wants to come back, he can, using the road map from the PBL.

You can go back to Plan A and really start fighting back for your H. But you have to decide to get back on that roller coaster. And it really doesn't work to flip-flop back and forth.

And this is a very difficult process you are in. Maybe the most difficult. (Plan B).

And that is why going dark against the WH is so important. Because when his happy smiling shows up, it throws you over the hill.

Your actions with moving his "Stuff" out, indicate to him that you have resolved to get rid of him. And that is scary to WH. Therefore, you get the pushback that you are experiencing right now. What happens with the next issue? More pushback. And the next, even more pushback from WH. Eventually, the WH either disappears because of D, or H shows up and pulls his head out. And decides to save his M.

And he is on OW #3 since this all started, so he is finding it sooo easy to replace YOU isn't he? Remember, you are the lighthouse.

MB isn't the problem. WH is. We out here in MB land are just trying to help you navigate the Hurricanes that WH likes to throw your way.

SL,

No 2x4 here.

Hope - "to feel that something desired may happen"

Wow this ties into the other thread nicely the whole desired thing. LOL.

The only way to Lose ALL hope is not to desire anything.

Part of the reason for Plan B is to preserve what love you have left for the WH just in case he decides he wants to try to recover the M. So in essence it is your way to preserve hope.

The fact that the WH is not responding by coming home and trying to reconcile should hurt.

It does not however make you any less attractive, loving, caring, etc. etc.

What I seem to see is sometimes people are just really, really stubborn. They would rather keep going down the wrong path just so they don't have to admit wrong doing or make up for it.

This may be your WH.

The main thing is that you have to understand that only one person can change that. HIM.

At any point he can stop and say "is it really worth it?"

That would be up to him.

If you waiver and you let him back without enforcing your boundries you might as well go down and get a tattoo on your back that says "Welcome". He will walk all over you.

Now if you really want to kill all hope let him walk back in that door without agreeing to your boundries.

I wish you the best and I am truly sorry for your hard time yesterday.

Mimi,

I soooo know that any contact with him hurts me, and I've done my part, especially now, to avoid that; as I said, I cannot control WH's behavior. I think LG got it right...he's pushing back, and I'm not going to budge. I think the next time he brings DS home, I will have to wait until I am absolutely sure that he is back in his car; as I said WH usually has son walk to the door himself. He sure did get me good...

Frog, thanks for the 'refresher' in hope. It helps to know that my hope doesn't reside in HIS choices, but mine. That feels better to redirect back to myself.

LG,

I have ABSOLUTELY NO PLANS to go BACKWARDS to Plan A, not unless and until my H shows up at the door and wants to recover (and then it's on to Plan R)...then and only then...I cannot weather anymore of Plan A. I really did go to Plan B at the best time...and I PLAN to stay. When the boat gets rocked, so does my foundation. I know it's still there, but I have a hard time remaining standing...
I live in Plan B because it is what I want, not because it is what WH wants...it's what I need, and I'm sure that he has some misunderstandings, but that would be cleared up at a time when/if he decided to to toward the light..

About MB, I was MOSTLY being fasicious, I WOULD NEVER BASH MB. I was bashing myself for losing faith, not MB, NEVER MB, or the WONDERFUL people that come here for help. I'm not going anywhere, just being an A$$...

I am soooo grateful for the care that you all give to me, freely, daily, sometimes every dang minute. I don't have the words to express what I'm feeling, and how I feel about MB and this forum; thank you are two words that do not suffice...

SL,

No problem. I HOPE it helped. LOL.

Even though I am in my M and plan on staying there I feel good because I feel like a seperate entity.

I can only measure myself by things I can actually control.

I have lost jobs because the company went out of business or there were mass layoffs. I have never lost a job because of poor performance.

So the things you can control IE being a great Mom you can measure your self. In an M it is hard to measure yourself because you can't control everything. Plus being a great W is a subjective thing.

If that made no sense sorry.

Well, today is/was my 35th birthday, and I only thought about the lack of communication with WH a couple of times. Once this afternoon, and once at dinner, when my dad asked, "So, did you hear from J today?". My answer, 'Uh, no, why would I?".

My dad is just dumbfounded at this whole thing, he's actually upset that WH didn't call me on my B'day. I'm upset that my WH LEFT, so my birthday isn't getting me up in a roar! LOL

One thing about my mom and dad (step-dad) is that their R was borne or an A. So, when my dad asks me questions about why WH hasn't come back or why he hasn't called, I ask my dad, well, 'why didn't you call your W when you were with mom?'. I've told him, that it's the same difference, that J is no different than him. That J may very well have found someone else and may have moved on. It hurts my dad to hear me resign myself to this, but I feel healthier stating what MAY very well be true. Maybe I'm not the one for WH, I dunno, but I'm not going to sit around and fester, waiting for the answer to come to me.

My WH used to play the Beatles' "Birthday song" for me on my day, but it's okay, I know the lyrics... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Forget the Beatles. Let's do the traditional one:
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday dear SL,
Happy Birthday to you.
....and many more....

Blow hard! Them's a lot o' candles!

OUCH!!! I think I burned myself...

Yeah, I was brought to the realization that on many 'forms' I will have to check the 35-50yo age range box.

Thanks LilSis!

SL hope you had a great b-day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> ((((SL))))

SL,

You old used up lady you. Thirty five is so old for a woman. If I were you I would start looking into old folks homes. Well I gotta go time to get my daily bengay rub down, followed by my metemucil shot.

From me to you though as I leave with my walker.

You say it's your birthday
It's my birthday too--yeah
They say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you.

Yes we're going to a party party
Yes we're going to a party party
Yes we're going to a party party.

I would like you to dance--Birthday
Take a cha-cha-cha-chance-Birthday
I would like you to dance--Birthday
Dance

You say it's your birthday
Well it's my birthday too--yeah
You say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you.

SL, (Happy Birthday!)

Know that I am standing with you too. I don't normally offer advice to others as I can't figure out what to do for myself, let alone any one else.

I've read your thread and really admire how you have handled yourself. I also greatly appreciate all the help you have given me on my thread.

You are doing well, be proud of yourself.

S/L:

Sorry I missed your Birthday Party!

I was seeing that you were posting around on other threads. Hope things are going well for you.

((((SL))))

LG

Thanks yous guys!

I'm doing well. Plan B is good for me. I have a healthy dose of missing my REAL H, and what I would like for my life to be...I don't get bogged down too much in what MAY be happening or what WH MAY be thinking.

I know that his eyes still look the same; I know that he still loves me, I know that D is right around the corner; AND...drumroll PLEASE....I KNOW I'm gonna be alright!

Frog,

Thanks bud! I appreciate the song...Now, get up from your stand-assisting chair, hop on that staircase lift/chair, and go lay down in your Craftmatic adjustable bed...you're OLD...get some sleep... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LG,

I've found that it helps to read others' threads, and realize that I have done MANY things right. I sometimes find it hard to come here and post, because there is so much pain, and it tends to make mine resurface, but I'm stronger because I'm understanding myself better through all of this....if that makes any sense

I dunno, I'm gettin' old.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Happy Belated Birthday SL,
sorry I missed it.
hearing you cope with plan B gives me hope.
thanks for all your help!!!

Happy Birthday (belated), SL.

Like FB said, hearing someone else make it through Plan B is inspirational. You're a few months ahead of me, and I really appreciate all the advice.

Hang in there.

SDG

Email from WH regarding moving his things out...I suppose this is all that is left of us. Do I appreciate this will not be a one step motion?! Seriously, I've felt like my fingernails have been in the process of being slowly ripped of over the last year, and he wonders if I can appreciate the length of time this stage will take. I think I can. It's still really all about him; I wish there was something I could say to smack him HARD on the mouth, so that he may understand that I GET IT...THIS IS SEPARTION YOU [email]D@MNED[/email] FOOL...

To me it's pain, to him, logistics...


I expect all of this, so why does it still make me so sad. I think I pinpointed it when talking to Foxnhound, I still feel bewildered sometimes; like "who's this man?"

I really wish that I could fastforward through the next year, and not have any more [email]d@mned[/email] pain. I feel foolish saying the same things on this board over and over, like some lovesick pup. I've never wanted to be over something so badly in all of my life. I'd rather anything than living in this turmoil inside.

I can go days now, realizing how I've learned and grown and laughing and feeling good, even while dealing with the logistics of moving WH's things out, and then BAM! I feel like an idiot. I want to blast him, but that would mean coming out of the dark. I brought this on myself, asking him to move his things, but I know that it will be better for me in the end. Really MOVING from this place may be what I would have to do to REALLY be free...

I have learned to face these moments, to let them come and go, and I KNOW that they will pass.

Is it possible to get over this pain and loss of love and family without someone else coming along to draw your attention away? I guess the answer is that one would have to, in order to survive...

There's nothing like no choice to give you your answers...