SL!!!!!!! yahoo!!!!!!!!!
I am soooo happy that you have gotten some positive feedback!!!!!! (that is soo diminishing of the power of that letter) but you know what I mean. when you are on a diet...sometimes it takes so long to see results..you remain constant in your efforts...and eventually you see results...thats what you have gotten my dear...now stick to what you know...I can't really advise...just give moral support....YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!



I wonder if he remembers your PBL?? my WS just got hers on sat and she doesn't really know what it is all about...I think I look at it as such a big deal (the PBL) but I wonder if WS's really pay attention to it...especially if the fog is thick at the time they read it...I don't know if its right but perhaps reiterating the points of PBL and your boundaries are in order?

IMHO....be still...and wait and watch for the actions to back up all those wonderful words...stay strong...keep on your path...you are so strong.....good luck

Frog,

I totally agree. I need for him to start to open up to what he NEEDS from me, as well, but that is in the distance, for now.

I told him in my PBL that I know that I made bad choices and that I treated him with disprespect ( I had some specific examples). I know that I tend to be 'preachy' and need to work on that, but I also need a partner to point it out to me, so I know what behaviors he finds offense in.

Just as a side note. Not once, NOT ONCE, during the past 7 months has there been anything remotely close, in terms of opening up, to what he has written in his letter. NOT ONCE. He was COMPLETELY FOGGED OUT; BUT, he never told me that we could be great, he never said that he loved me, NOTHING..NADA...

So, this letter is BIG and SCARY for me...

YES...RECOVERY is BIG and SCARY..appropriate words, IMO.

Some words of caution..and I'm sure Jen will probably tell you this...don't think in terms of BIG DEMANDS of him..like expecting him to open up and tell you this or that or going to IC/MC in order to recover...talking to one of the HARLEYS would be just fine, IMO..but I'm biased towards not being a big fan of most traditional counselors...

Think in terms of also expecting and requesting BABY STEPS from HIM...

I think his letter, though, is HUGE and should not be discounted...

I still haven't read the darn thing closely yet, though...

LATER....

So looking forward to hear about your session....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Here is what bothers me -

"It's my turn to show you what you are worth. It's my turn for actions. Even though this is just an email, it is an action; an action that I hope is a first step toward something better."

The email IS NOT an action. It is just blah, blah, blah...........

I can hardly wait to see what Jennifer says.

Thanks mimi,

This is dead on with where my thoughts are.

I expected way too much last time around, and I wasn't clear about what I needed to recover, neither was he, and we failed.

I would seriously be satisfied with WH speaking to SH, and getting better perspective on the REAL situation. I won't be PUSHING, I will be moving cautiously. I will not be making demands. I did that in the past too. The only thing I believe that I will be asking is for NC to be in place in order for me to proceed. I'm in Plan B because I enforced that boundary and I can't see leaving this state without that in place.

I would be ok with saving our money for counseling with the Harleys. My WH expressed (in the past) not wanting to do MC. I believe that IC would be good, but will not force the issue. One moment at a time right now...

I'm looking forward to the session. I feel that I will get some relief. I'm REALLY stressed today.

PERFECT, IMO!!!

can you email her the text of H's email before your appointment?

save some time

Pep

I have thought about that, Pep.

I think that is the best idea, so that she is unbiased, reads what is written and not what I correspond. How do I do that? I don't see her email here?

I got a response from the lady that I set the appointment with via email, regarding filling out the Love Bank form. Would I email to her?

You can call directly to the office and they will answer or call you back if you leave a message. 888-639-1639

called, emailing directly...

Just wanted to comment on how nice the receptionist is...

I agree about the receptionist..when I found the number, I even had a flashback of that experience..talking to MBs has been such a POSITIVE ASPECT OF MY LIFE...SO UTTERLY LIFE-CHANGING!!

You just gave me goose-bumps!

Up until now MB has been a positive aspect of my life too, now I believe that will be duly reinforced by counseling with them too!

It will be good for ME...

praying for you through this, SL.

Thank you so much Eph, it really means alot to be backed by so many. No matter what happens, I feel honored to be in all of your thoughts.

Same here. My support group is everyone here on MB, my IC, and a few friends at church, and of course my kids.

Still so excited for you I told some non-MB friends about it. I've talked with Jennifer a couple of times and think she's great, so you will get some good advice. Emailing the letter ahead of time was a great idea.

I look forward to hearing how it went!

I'll post after I hang up from the call. I will be taking notes...

also excited to hear what is going on. I am praying for you as well.

BREATHE! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
IHC

Taking notes is good, but I find it hard to capture everything. I actually bought a little digital voice recorder so that I could listen to the whole thing over again, and that has worked well for me. I probably should have asked Jennifer whether she was okay with this but actually didn't, because I am determined not to abuse the recording.

SL,

believer asked me to look at his letter and analyze it for what I see (this is what I do....)

Your FWH, yes, you can call him that, has written you a letter that is honest. He has called upon your history together to try to pursuade you to consider reconciliation. He has openly admitted his mistakes without blaming you - and in a letter of apology, this is rare in the communication world. We usually see some form of "well, YOU had your part too..", but he doesn't put that in there. A winner in the analysis game. Honesty there.

Next, he brings in another person he hopes you respect - and says that person still believes in your M and has hope. He is pointing outside of himself, saying, "I know you don't trust me still, and if you need someone else to verify that I mean what I say, ask him". Your FWH wants to be home again.

The time frame he speaks of is also important. He talks of wanting to do this a couple of months ago, but was fearful that your take on it would have been that it had to do with his loneliness about the holidays, etc. He also took that into consideration that it might have been true, and waited himself, just to be sure that he wasn't just missing the family life and holiday things. He did not have to make this confession, and yet did. By doing so, he risked a lot.

The information he gives regarding his understanding about the work it will take is also important. He speaks to very specific things that will need to be addressed - talking to one another about what you need, parenting, and the like - this indicates he has taken the time to put clarity to his thoughts, and knows where he has failed you and the marriage. Not only that, he knows where he needs to start in putting the pieces back together, and is not trying to whitewash things. Pretty forthcoming in his communication on this.

I would get him on the phone with the Harleys, and thank MB for their website. Looks like recovery begins with SL and her FWH.

He makes a direct request to you, to tell him what it is you need and want from him. I would write that down - he seems like a "list" kind of guy. Limit it to about three things for now. And with that, include three things he did right - because his letter to you tells you many things you did right. I hope you see that in the letter!

I know how hard this has been. I have lurked, but never posted. The recovery part with a FWH who is able to talk like he writes, well, at least you have a man who can tell you what is in his heart!

SB