Oh, so no more eating hotdogs while sitting on the sidelines WATCHING the game. Ah, man!

Time to get in the game, I guess, man I'm out of shape, too!

H comes over this evening. I will be seeing him for the first time in almost 4 months. I just want to touch him again, to see him look me in the eyes. The eyes can be very telling; body language can be too. I'm not looking for candy hearts and lollipops, but I am looking for a willingness (unlike LilSis' one-armed hugs from her WH, YUCK!--what a tool! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)

I'm prepared, but not ready; try to make sense out of that one... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I'm interested in how your meeting goes. People have said to me how will I be able to trust WW again, and I just feel like when she is ready, I will know. I will see it in her eyes and her expressions. I will see W and not WW.

If you're still willing to share, let us know whether or not you see it.

Since MEDC isn't posting on this thread, I want to make his obligatory "mandatory STD testing" statement. I know you want to take baby steps, but I'm sure part of you two are going to want to jump each others' bones. It would be best to get the testing out of the way first, so you are ready when that time comes.

WARNING: Continue to focus on YOURSELF and not on what you want from him. He will need to go through WITHDRAWAL if and when there is NC..which is not certain without the SAFEGUARDS in place...Withdrawal is not at all pretty and he is very vulnerable to her during that time. So, IMO, the primary focus of your meeting tonight should be on NC LETTER, change in cellphone number and E-Mail addresses, etc...OPENNESS AND HONESTY with you about those things...and there is need for discussion on how you are going to move back together...

For you it's like PLAN A again...more of the GIVER than the TAKER..meeting his needs..not having an expectation of him meeting yours..NOT YET...SORRY....

But it will be WONDERFUL go be with him..I think this is the time when you do see GLIMPSES of the real H..he will become more and more apparent to you as the length of time of NC with her increases...

AGREED COMPLETELY Mimi,

I plan on NC letter, speaking about emails and phones and logistics.

All I meant was that I have seen the dead eyes and had glimpses of the H eyes over the last 2 years. The dead eyes are a DEAD giveaway.

I have already discussed his withdrawal with him, and the fact that it is going to be very difficult on him and I did not envy him the heavy load he will have to bare. I told him that I will be there for him (Plan A). I also asked that he call me when he feels the compulsion to call/email/carrier pigeon messages to OW. I also asked him to attempt to wait a couple of minutes prior to making any decisions to call her, almost like an addict giving themselves time for the feeling to pass.

I ALREADY discussed STD's and he has been tested (I made a point of this last time around too, I don't mess with my health and well-being, AND I'm a mom, so I have our kid to think about).

Like I mentioned above, I did start reading the basic concepts again, as well as the articles on how to proceed with recovery after NC is in place, so I am prepared for the withdrawal, but like I said, we'll see about READY (ready as I'll ever be at this point)...

He actually went through withdrawal last year when he left his first A. He was mostly quiet, but we still functioned (poorly). I am trying to make it safer for him to talk to me about what he is experiencing. I have REALLY been listening to him the past couple of conversations, and he has opened up EMMENSELY. It's a good sign, compared to the last time around. He is talking about very tough things that he knows will hurt me, but he still talks. I will continue to make a safe haven for him to express himself, as well as open myself to him ever so slowly (I know that I am in for a lot of pain, and things that are lurking in the dark, but I also am working on my communication).

I'm rushing nothing, but I find his body language interesting, that's all...

I plan on keeping up here, because, especially lately, it gives me a chance to get outside opinions about my inside feelings before I act on them. I think of this forum as a tool that can be very helpful in working on myself, and for others to see outside of me and relate back what they see. Did that make sense? Like Mimi, she is sort of like holding a mirror to your face, and there being a live version of you on the other side, who is honest and open about what they are seeing you do. She's able to express what she sees and advise based on her own experiences and counseling with SH. It's invaluable, this board...

SL, just giving a shout out!!

no advice, you've got it all taken care of....can't wait to hear how your meeting goes....good luck

I just wanted to give an update to everybody hangin in there iwth me.

The rollercoaster ride began Friday night, and I have to say, things have gone pretty smoothly. We are both in agreeance, and he is reading the website, and digesting the information. We've already talked about what some of our problems were prior to the A, basically hitting on EN's, mostly recreational companionship; he talked about going to concerts without me, and hangin out in his garage and such, and WANTING me to be there.

There's so much that we discussed Friday evening, it's tough to relay it all. He is very committed, very serious. I said something to the effect of him feeling weird right now, but he will feel better over time; his response was that it already felt better. Maybe just making the decision that his life is here relieved a lot of burden for him, I don't know. I don't want to overwhelm him with R talk. I'm just trying to be around and meet some needs right now.

There was SF (Jim was dead-on balls accurate with his assessment of wanting that). He looked at me afterwards and said, 'So much for baby-steps' with a sweet smile on his face. He's been attentive, maybe a bit distant at times, but definitely 'IN' it to win it. I do hear some of the words like really 'trying' this time; I don't think it's back stepping, I just think it's fear. Fear of the unknown.

I feel strange, too. Like this isn't happening. There is soooo much work to do, but I'm not wanting to do it all now, baby steps there DEFINITELY. No crumbs this time. No crumbs EVER again.

I have already mentioned talking to Steve or Jennifer, and he does sound uncomfortable, but not unwilling. I Plan on asking him about making an appointment soon, so that we will have a plan in place and can begin to utilize their vast knowledge in overcoming our situation with adultery and separation.

Hmmm, what else. Oh, I had a pajama party to attend last night, and I had a blast. I didn't want to leave, but I told H that I would be home (the option was opened to stay over), and we agreed to meet up again. Things aren't set in stone with the living situation. We haven't spent much time apart (just when I went to PJ party).

One thing that I think is really good, is that he has really taken to digesting the MB material, and we're using the terms, such as Love Bank, and love busters, No contact, radical honesty...Same page so to speak.

I feel tense right now, but I think it's just nerves, really I think it's just me slowing myself down, while my insides are fighting me to push, but I REFUSE to push. I will ask, and wait for the answers.

We're going to make some wings (or rather H will do that, it's his thing, and he is good at it) and some potato salad (again--his thing, he says he's perfected the recipe), and whatever I will add to the mix, and watch the superbowl.

We have talked a bit about things we've done while apart, I think mainly to get on the same page again, try to work out what our new R will include, subconsciously. I am focusing on today and the near future, not focusing on the past, for when I do, I still have the gut feelings of betrayal. I do notice that I handle the emotions much better than before. I don't fall apart of obsess on those thoughts. I see them, feel them, and let them go. I suppose it's a decision I made while in Plan B, to learn to process thoughts, instead of ruminating on them...

Mostly, I'm learning about me, about how I will be able to do this. I think H and I both believe that we can make it, but have a natural fear of NOT making it. I must learn to let that go, and as H to try to do the same, so that we don't fabricate our own roadblocks. I believe that neither one of us wants the old M; well, that's not wholly true, there were things that we did really well, and will still carry those tools, but the things we failed miserably at, we want to learn how to make it work.

It's odd to say we. Just know that when I do say we, it's because WE have spoken of these things and said these things to one another. I'm not assuming or speculating anything. It's all spoken word.

Oy, this is getting long. Again, I'm open to what ANYONE has to say. I'm really sold on MB and I believe H is getting there...

read Trueheart's letter ... I just copied it from an oldie and brought it to the top

blessings

Pep

warning about the Trueheart Letter...as wonderful as it it..

My H remained too fogged out in early recovery to read it..

I'm not sure that he ever read it.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Talking to the Harleys is a good idea. There have been a lot of WS's that have done so, and they always felt relieved after it.

Sounds like you are on the way to recovery. Be sure to post on the Recovery board too. There are lots of people there that can help you get through this.

What about the NC Letter and changes in phone numbers, etc.?

SL-

First of all-Congratulations! What a wonderful gift <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

For those of us still in the trenches, and hoping to get a chance to R, can you continue to post as this goes along? Early recovery is an area that I have not read much about.

Also, as your FWS shares with you his feelings when he was away, about your Plan B, and what finally brought him back to you, can you share this too? There are not many FWH here, and this information would be so appreciated by the BWs.

I would encourage you to start counseling with the Harleys yourself atleast, so you can be guided through these first few months. Hopefully, your H will join in.

I am so very happy for you, especially since you seemed certain your M was over. I cried when I read your H's letter-- partly out of joy for you, but also for the hope it gave me.

Take care and take is slow. Remember how important the Harleys say the plan for R is. It is essential.
PR

SL:

Just wanted to jump in after keeping up with your story and seeing the wonderful results of all your incredible work and after all you have endured throughout this.

From where I am sitting it certainly has given me great hope at what a great Plan A/Plan B can do. It is absolutely incredible what a turn around your WH is having. I know there is reason for caution at this point but it is hard not to get excited for you after all that has taken place.

It really reinforces the MB principles and how well they can and do work.

I am just so happy for you and send hugs and best wishes to you.

You are getting great advice from the pros here on MB so I won't even presume to give you any and I can only add good luck to you.

Mimi,

NC letter--CHECK

Phone number changes--negotiating. This is a toughie for him, he has been interviewing for new job positions, and this is the number on his resume. I will be revisiting the subject, because it is very important to me, and may be a sticking point for recovery, EVEN if OW DOESN'T attempt contact.

I think he will need to talk to Steve or Jennifer in order to get a better picture from an outside, unbiased source. It seems that many here have spoken of how powerful this first session can be for a WS, and I look for guidance from them to help US make these decisions, as I cannot force this. It's a boundary that I have, that's reinforcement will be a more tentative approach to recovery; and that makes things more difficult.

As far as feelings while I was in Plan B. I think, initially, it was freedom. Freedom from the struggle, freedom from this house, this life and all that it contained. After a while, I believe that H felt confused. Finally, I think he missed his life, his wife, his son, his HOME. I think that one's identity becomes hazy, when they attempt to leave the present in the past.

What actually brought him back, well, for me, it is difficult to nail down. He was in an A with another OW, so he was having some needs met by her. I think she was a bit naive (not young, just naive), and maybe he didn't CLICK with her as much as he would have liked. I don't know, we're slowly talking about all of it. Plan A, y'know, begin again.

I'll let you know what I can, when I can. I want to have clear thoughts before I post, so that I can get the proper help, and give a good representation of things.

I can say this, there are moments that are like we're peas and carrots, and then, some moments where we don't feel miles away, but we feel like we did right prior to the intial A. I think that's a good sign, personally, that we are in conflict again. Make sense? Anyway, I'm going to go spend some time with my H now. I'll keep posting...

I'm also going to start reading up on recovery board, and prolly posting there too.

Stay in touch. I don't go to the Recovery Board.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Silent- This is so wonderful.

I told you a couple of months ago that you are my hero. You said that you weren't. But my dear YES YOU ARE. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You are so AWESOME and your H thinks so to.

You will be the light house that guides your H home.

So what does your little guy think about Daddy being around?

Best of luck to you SL, wishing you the best!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi SL,

Can't say that I am surprised at the turn of events!

...once some of the fog lifted.... and he was able to SEE what he was giving up.... YOU!

Good luck!

...and I, like many here, will be right by your side...as I can ONLY imagine...that there will be rough spots...but it will all be worthwhile!

(((((((((((((((SL))))))))))))

Mimi,

I'll probably be posting here more often than not, as I don't see as much traffic on the 'other' boards. AND, and this is big, I need my peeps to keep me in line, to help me tread softly, and to thwack or support when the times come that I'm having a hard time. I'm not going anyhere, I like it here. (You have been a light in the storm, yourself, Mimi. I see you as one of the MB lighthouses, guiding us in...I hope you can handle hanging around here and there.)

Marflow and Rin,

Thanks you two, you've been here with me all the way, and I appreciate the support. As I said above, I will keep posting here, and reading up on the recovery board.

The 'little guy' is most EXCITED. He was bouncing off of the walls this weekend. He was so interactive with his daddy. It was nice just sitting there and watching their dynamic. His dad is really good with him, playing with him and disciplining him. It seems we do very many of the same tactics with discipline, and I'm sure we will discuss this further, as I value his input as a father and man on this subject.

There have been some odd feeling moments, but mostly, we are able to talk about R things and A things without too much ado. I think the key is we talk about A stuff in context of how we will overcome this in the future, and how we will protect each other. Then we change the subject and laugh a bit, talk about work, friends, the kiddo of ours, plans for the house, etc. We talk VERY openly. I know this is difficult for him, as it is for me, but he's doing what needs to be done, and that matters so much.

I hope LG is reading this too. You gave me some great advice on letting go, on moving forward, just me and my son, and it has been invaluable. You helped me to REALLY see what I was dealing with, and you were right. Your insight is SO important on these boards. I hope you can find a way to come back now and then.

I'll be here as long as I can..as long as it feels right..listening to how the Spirit guides me..it feels like some sort of a MISSION to give back to others..and also I continue to grow immensely from MBers...

Happy for you!!

Make sure to follow the FOUR RULES..that sums up my Recovery advice...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html