I was just noticing that you have been in Plan B for almost 4 months. It is strange, but it took my WH just short of 4 months to show that he was noticing Plan B. That is when he announced that he was moving back in (a couple days before Christmas). Unfortunately, he wanted to move in and THEN get OW out of the picture.

It's good for newbies in Plan B to see that is often takes more time than we'd hoped.

SL,

This is a testament to a few things that have already been mentioned. But truly it is a testament to your will.

SL one of the things that has always stood out about you is your unwillingness to settle for less then you deserve.

Your steadfast belief that you weren't being selfish or demanding but you deserved something you weren't getting from your WH. At times it seemed that you and wanted to break the course you were on but you didn't.

Today I know that whatever comes of this latest development that you will be a better person.

You seem to have the right persepective in your life. Look toward the future but learn from your past.

I like the new vows and everything that solidifies that concept.

The old M is dead. The old SL is gone and the WH hopefully decides to stay gone.

Nurture a new M with a New SL and a New H.(formerly the WH)

Good job.

Guilty as charged.

Intellectually, I know that it will take a long time and that I am strong enough to wait longer. Emotionally, of course, I want results now now now.

But I can't tell you how thrilling it is to see this transformation. Thanks so much for sharing it with us.

This does take time, and it has definitely been more time than I wanted to go through. I have to say that, as the days then weeks then months pass, you begin to see the D train at the end of the tunnel and not the R of M train.

I want everyone to know this NOW, I'm okay with the D train. I've seen it's shiny club car. I'm not ready for that yet. Obviously, H is not ready for that. He's got some catching up to do, and I want to afford him the time. I'm learning patience through this. I FEEL it inside, in my bones, deeply, that this is not some ruse. I've filed the taxes, I've gotten through the holidays, his birthday, my birthday. That's all past, and NOW he wants to come home, not for some yearning due to the time of year, but because he yearns to have his M back, his W, his son, his dogs, his home, his garage, his LIFE...I feel it.

This is not going to be easy, I know, but I'm hopeful for the first time in 2 years.

SL

I've kept up with your sitch a little here and there....your H's email made me cry.

I just have to encourage you, like everyone else here, to TAKE IT SLOW. Figure out what your boundaries are, and don't be afraid to ask for and insist on whatever it is you know you will need.

I'm sure Plan B was really hard on you. I never had to Plan B, my FWH agreed to NC with the OW on dday. I didn't even know about MB then, so what I'm going to say may sound really strange.

In a lot of ways, I wish I HAD needed to go to Plan B. We've been in recovery for 8 months now, and it's been a huge, huge, HUGE struggle. I have not been clear/sure on what my boundaries are, and that has really added a lot of extra grief. I agreed to quit MC about a month after dday because my H hated it and said all it did was "remind him of his huge mistake". Well, that was a huge mistake on my part; I should have insisted we continue, but I backed down.

I've backed down on a lot of stuff, haven't been confident enough to insist on what I know is good and right for our M. Check out some of my recent posts if you want to see what can happen when you are afraid/weak/not confident enough to seek and insist on what you know you will need in order to heal from this big mess, and to repair your M.

Be thankful for how much influence you have in your situation right now. YOU are in the driver's seat, and that is a huge gift, believe me. You've had to go through a lot and I'm sure it hasn't been easy. But after all the strength you've needed and used to get this far, PLEASE do not give it up by compromising on what you know you and your M will need. I can't emphasize this enough.

I'm in a really bad place right now, I started crying last night and I can't stop. I'm not sure why. I think I'm overwhelmed and exhausted and confused and hurt. I feel like my life and my M are out of control. It would have been so much easier for me to do things the "right way" from the get-go, but I didn't, and now I have so much repair work to do. It's completely overwhelming. I'm also realizing that it's not too late for Plan B. I hate that thought, but because I screwed things up so badly at the beginning, that's my reality now.


Sorry this is so long, I meant it to be really short. I just really want to encourage you to NOT BACK DOWN. Go slowly, take your time, get your boundaries in place. There's no negotiating over boundaries. You know what you need.

Good luck, SL! Your story is such an encouragement to others here on MB.

marriedforever,

I have visited your sitch a few times.

Believe me when I say that the boundaries that I hold most important right now are NC with ANY OW for ANY REASON. I elaborated on this on the phone with H last night. Told him that this is MY boundary, and I will not go one step further without it. He agreed, no struggle. He said that this is a definite for him. I said this, for me, is FOREVER a BOUNDARY. He agreed to make that a boundary of HIS. I hope he will, because I think he knows I'm serious.

I don't like traditional MC, but I do like MB 'coaching' approach, so that is what I will be asking for, inititally. COUNSELING, is a definite for me, no moving forward without it, H agreed. He felt that we may have done better last time, had I pushed for counseling. He said he didn't WANT to work on the M, but that counseling may have SLOWLY worked.

Married, Plan B can always be implemented, but it is not something to enter into if you ARE in RECOVERY. I think the question to pose is if you are in recovery, or are you spinning your wheels.

I don't know if you read about my sitch prior to this year, but my WH had a short lived EA/PA, then he came home for 9 mos. I thought we were working toward recovery, he was WAITING for everything to get better, he was not participating. I know now that we both has to show CLEAR signs that our M is what WE will fight for. Only one of you in recovery doesn't work, and I learned that the hard way.

I am cautiously optimistic

I am moving forward, using the past to help to build a better future. Not repeating my mistakes, learning from them and using that knowledge to forge REAL RECOVERY.

My boundaries are in place, but I'm using Jennifer's method of leading a horse to water, then letting him decide whether he is thirsty...

silent,

These are amazing developments and I am so excited for you. I think that you casn trust your gut on this about your H's sincerity. You probably had the oppposite gut feeling before and so you probably know that you know his intentions are honest and true.

HOPE IS ALIVE!!!!!!!

IHC

I trust my gut, as I did when I felt something was amiss when WH was in his EA. I KNEW something was up. Just like his recent behavior, coming to the door, trying to look me in the eye. I could tell something was up, but I didnt' know if he was checking to see if I was serious about making him move his stuff out.

H told me that he had actually started composing that letter a couple of days before I received it. He said he saved it as a draft, and just kept going back and adding things. He said that he could have continued writing, but he wanted to get the letter to me sooner than later, and thought it wise to stop where he did.

Talking about my gut, it's feeling a bit queasy right now...

Just got off of the phone with my H. He told me that he ended his A with OW last night, told her NC. He has been reviewing the website and thinks good things. He wanted me to know that he will be going through withdrawal. I told him that he can call me when he feels like contacting her. HE appreciated that. I also said that he may just want to try and find something to do for 2 minutes when the feeling to call her comes up (it's what is suggested when you quit smoking, when you get the urge to light up--NON smoker for 5.5 years and counting).

I was aware, of course, of his R with Amy, and told Jennifer about it. I told her NC was a boundary for me, and she thought that was excellent.

I told H that I need complete honesty, even if he thinks it may hurt. I told him that it probably will, but the alternative is much worse.

H was very honest, not brutally, but very...He agreed that we should consider moving back together within a month (Jennifer pushed this point), that we cannot truly enter recovery until then. I agreed.

My insides feel weary. One battle down, but miles to go before WE sleep...

H has chosen his M, he has chosen to be husband and father. He is afraid of withdrawal, and I feel, truly feel for him, because I've had to suffer my own withdrawal. I know how he feels, and I think that helps him to turn to me. I told him that I won't always be so easy going, but that I will always be there for him. I will feel hurt and need to lick my wounds (as I'm doing now, by posting)

H will be coming by tomorrow evening. We're both nervous. We've been living apart for so long.

Plain and simple...

He needs to write a NC LETTER for you to see and then for him to give to you to mail. I would think there's an example here on the site that you can E-Mail to him.

That was non-negotiable with me...

I'm willing to say it was a DEMAND.

Or someway for you to insure that it's mailed or that she gets it...

I actually broke PLAN B to meet with him to mail it...one time he left it at her house..yes, there were more than one NC Letters to the OW...

Change his cellphone numbers so that she can't reach him..that can be done immediately with him giving you his new number.....

You see, you need EVIDENCE of his seriousness...

He is ready to do whatever it takes, so I am ready to implement that. I will be seeing H tomorrow evening, at which time I will discuss this with him. I have told him to be prepared for OW to try and contact him, and that I need to be informed of these breaches, as it is a part of O&H.

H is aware of his frailty right now. He read some of the website (about 1.5hrs) and said that he will be going through withdrawal. He reiterated that his goal is to be M to ME and stay that way, so he will do what he needs to in order to accomplish HIS goal.

I guess my next question is, how did you feel those first days? Any feelings.

Also, how long before you two cohabitated after NC letter?

Oh, also, also, thank you soooo much. I'm feeling a bit tired tonight. It hit me like a ton of bricks today...

Oh, about seeing him, Jennnifer told me to meet with him as soon as we could, and to talk and agree upon how NC will be placed and then DO IT. H took the liberty of already breaking it off with OW, but he was unaware of the NC letter, so he agreed to discuss that tomorrow. I was coached to 'guide' him, not to push or pull.

I reiterated that MB IS my plan, and that involves talking to the Harleys. I told him that I spoke to Jennifer and that she requested that he call her (or Steve if he is more comfortable with that).

Geez, I'm tired, is that normal. I mean ZAPPED. For the first time in a long while, I didn't cook dinner right away, or anything else for that matter. I feel like a blob...

Right away..he was living with her..I know, YUCK..and he was SOOO addicted..we never would have made it with him out there alone and vulnerable..she came after him right away..I heard her on the phone pleading..he let me hear..YUCK...

RECOVERY IS THE HARDEST...REST UP...

I don't look forward to her clawing at him...YUCK is Right!

SL: Not a pro here, but you mentioned feeling tapped. Just a friendly reminder not to forget about self-care. (I really like this part of Plan A, BTW) Bubble bath, chocolate (who needs dinner for goodness sake when you have a bag of Ghiardelli double chocolate chips to eat), some nice tea, a cheesy feel-good movie...

You have jumped back on the roller coaster. Now that you are no longer throwing up from the ride, maybe you can actually enjoy it.

Well, I didn't cook, just grilled cheese for the kid. I had a Lean Cuisine, and some Starbucks Lite Latte icecream with dark chocolate sauce and a glass of pinot noir.

I think of much of my life, so far, as a learning process, where you get to have fun along the way. I was one of those annoying peeps that would make lemonade with those lemons. I hope to be able to carry this into recovery. I also had a tendency to laugh in the face of adversity, literally. I was able to see the amusement in any situation.

I've had a hard time with much of my former ways, because of the damage done to self. Some leveled on me by H, some leveled on by MYSELF. I hope to recover that part of me. It's a part of myself that my H said he admired, and said that he wanted to help foster in me again. I was happy to hear that he wanted to help fulfill me and help me to be happy in this way.

I went back to the basics tonight and began re-reading the basic concepts and the articles about establishing no contact and overcoming resentment. I fall into the resentment category that is hardest to overcome. The article states, however, that if you have a bad memory, or a selective memory, you may overcome resentment faster. Who'da thunk that my bad memory would work in my FAVOR!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I like roller coasters. I don't know if you've ever seen the movie Parenthood, but I love that scene when the grandma talks about rollercoasters (relating to relationships) and she says how much she prefers the roller coaster. I like them most especially when accompanied by my H.

SL,

I've ridden that rollercoaster. Remember, you didn't buy the ticket, you aren't in charge of when it starts or stops, and the ride is in the dark.

But at the end, you really CAN recover your marriage. Keep your eye on the prize.

And your heart open to forgiveness. If you need help in this department, I know a little bit about this, and LOTS of others here do, too.

The 10,000? We all are here for you....

Baby steps.

SB

I think forgiveness is something I can do, much better than the last time around. I already feel softer toward him and his struggle. I know withdrawal is going to be very difficult (on him and me). I think that his being open with me about ending the A has helped. I know how difficult it is to be honest, especially when you KNOW what you are about to say may hurt someone you love. I respect that.

As long as we are both O&H and work toward filling LB by fulfilling EN's, we have a greater chance at weathering this. This will definitely be better than the last time. My, then, definitely WAYWARD husband never committed to recovery. This time, he's SHOWING me things that lead me to believe that I will have a hand to hold in the dark.

SL:

Please make sure the seatbelt is snapped and tight.

Please be sure the shoulder harness is in the down and locked position.

Please keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times.

GO!