Luna,

I missed your post earlier. Thanks so much for your support. I'll be updating, so keep a look out, and I'll do the same.

Mimi,

I spoke with Jennifer about the FOUR RULES, but thank you for posting the link, it's a good reminder of what really matters in the beginning, and thereafter (and may help others reading this thread prepare if they may approach the same recovery cross-roads). It's also hard to go against these rules, since we, myself and H, are reading the website (I'm relearning, he's just digesting) we will have NO excuses not to treat each other with the care that this process needs. Again, withdrawal aside.

H called me to let me know when he would be home, and what he was going to have to do before coming home (stopping by his former living space in order to pick up some necessary toiletries and clothing, etc.). Interesting enough, I did wonder when he would call, but I didn't freak out when I hadn't noticed a call. Truth is, he left me a voicemail earlier today, and I missed it. LB deposit...

i'm very happy for you silent

(((((eav)))))

I'm looking forward to being happy for you, too! I've been thinking about you and Luna a LOT. Believe...

Silent,

I am so happy for you!!!

God bless the 3 of you.

I only wish my WH would see the light like yours did.

He just moved to a bigger place with OW.

Guess he has no intentions of coming back now.

catgirl,

As Mimi always says, you are ASSUMING. Don't do that. You have no idea what your WH's motivations are. I guess it's pretty hard to ask you not to do this, but TRY not to do this as often as possible.

Any updates on you? How are YOU doing? I haven't seen you on the boards much, and I'm just curious...

Hi, Just checking in you you sound great.

I get this silly grin <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> off my face I'm just so happy for you.

Week one has it's own ups and downs...

I FELT WH pull away during the week, and it was a real feeling because he had contact with OW. They went to lunch together so that he could listen to her cry and tell her over again that it's over. She says she knows what she has to do, but can't seem to follow through. I'm not an uncaring person, but she is the one who made the decision to date a married man. My WH says that he basically told her, at the beginning of their R that we (his M) were finished, that he wasn't coming back, so he convinced her to get into the R. She was initially the reluctant one.

Anyway, not untypical, but rough on me. He is definitely experiencing withdrawal, and is trying to dodge out of the MB plan, saying that he feels he needs to work on himself before he can really work on the M. I didn't necessarily disagree, but I told him that we WILL fail without a plan, because he is dodgy at best with this. Maybe Lousygolfer has an opinion.

I'm feeling deflated, but I will continue the Plan A aspect of recovery. I am listening, and doing what I can to comfort him, but he says that is really no comfort right now. I'M no comfort right now. The feeling of rejection scares me, as I have dealt with it a number of times over the last 2 years, but I know that I cannot control what he does, only me. I reiterated my boundary of no contact with OW in OUR M.

It's funny how we justify the things we do to the ones we love. He says that when he left after our false recovery in July, he felt he was done, that we were finished, so he moved on to the next girl. He persuaded her to start a R with him ( I don't feel sorry for her in the least, I mean, COME ON, he's MARRRIED you [email]D@MN[/email] fool of a woman). He doesn't consider his most recent R an A. I told him it hurt me like an A, and EVERYONE ELSE saw it that way (as another A). I think his view of marriage is still quite scewed. I hope that we can both remedy that over the next year.

He said that if I cry or become withdrawn or angry that he's not leaving, but he said that before, so I'm not trusting of that. I'm afraid of emoting too much, so I nipped that in the bud as much as I could. He said some pretty tough things for me to hear, and the triggers are coming back, so I'm strapped in now...

He agreed to speak to SH or JC, but in his own time, and he tends to procrastinate, so I'll just ask now and then. We need this plan, we need guidance.

So, yesterday was bad, today isn't much better. My son has rotavirus, so he's vomitting and pooing MUCHO!! Poor little guy. I'm waiting for my turn at this point. I've been up since about 3AM, didn't go to sleep after dinner until 1AM, so running on no sleep right now. Eh, I will sleep tonight (fingers crossed).

I told WH that it hurt to not be number one AGAIN, but I will do my part for recovery. I think guilt is a huge road block here, as well as OW.

CLEARLY,

hey on the roto---my son had it and ended up hospitalized with dehydration....he went down quick...be aware.

hmmmmmmmmmmm

I'd be very careful if I were you

Harley says there should not be an IN PERSON "good bye" ... too risky

so
if you want to draw a line here ... PLAN B back in place until after WH talks to Steve

<~~~ Plan B until he gets onboard

these "closure" meeting often involve kissing , saying "I will always love you" , and even sex <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

and then they think of something else they "need to say" ... and arrange another "closure" meeting

do not budge about the marriage recovery coaching ... and make no further moves until WH takes that step

Pep

and if your husband is reading here ~~~> this is NOT the time for procrastination .... DO IT !

Pep

SL:

You are on your way to a FALSE RECOVERY..

I made that mistake TWICE...

Any contact that he has with her starts WIITHDRAWAL all over again..

He is not telling you all that goes on in those contacts..

She is making a play for him...

That being said...PLAN B with him until ALL SAFEGUARDS are in PLACE...

NO CONTACT FOR LIFE should have been what was stated in the NC LETTER and if he breaks that..that means that he does not want to RECOVER the marriage..

After this happened to me TWICE..this was NON-NEGOTIABLE...

Any contact with HIM while there is contact with HER enables the affair...

I SAY BACK INTO PLAN B TODAY unless there is a NC LETTER which restates NC for LIFE and his agreement to an appt with one of the HARLEYS...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I SAY BACK INTO PLAN B TODAY unless there is a NC LETTER which restates NC for LIFE and his agreement to an appt with one of the HARLEYS...


[color:"red"] double ditto [/color]

Thanks Pep,

In some cases, I wish my husband were reading here, and in many I do not. He is receptive to the program, but the MONSTER that he has created is tough to kill. He has filled his head up with so many justifications. I've seen my H this week, but last night, I saw the-one-who-would-hurt-me take over; I call it his dark half.

I told him today that I would not go further with him until no contact was in place. He didn't reassure me of anything, but he said that he knew that was what I needed. I don't really know what that means. Seeing is believing.

stop taking his calls
back to DARK
send him nothing... just silence

Pep

Right!

Silent:

I noticed this:



That all I ever have.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Go into your WH's room right now.

Tell him this:

"This is the deal breaker.

NO MORE CONTACT with Other Woman(s)

You want her to feel better? Talk to me. She will get over it. AND it is no longer your concern.

You need to tell her something? Call me. I will listen. Any time, Any place. (And Silent: DO THIS)

Something you want to say to her, you do not feel safe telling me? Call me. I will listen. And not react.

Because we are working on this together.

But you will not, I repeat, will not contact the OW.

Because I have already gotten your stuff out of the house.

And you, as well as your stuff, goes to the curb the next time.

And tell him that you are scheduling the time and date with the Harley's. And he will be there, in the room with you.

And if he isn't, then his stuff is on the curb.

You are in this house because YOU wanted back. And if you are not committed to it, then leave now. There is no fence sitting. This side or outside.

Here's my cell phone. Give me yours. Anyone who calls, gets me. And I will determine if your new number should be given to them."

And then walk out of the room.

And then DO IT.

Enforce the boundaries.

Because he doesn't get it.

?

has he moved back in?

Pep:

I thought he was back, and if not, she can go to his place...

Mine did too, at the age of 2-1/2 - also hospitalized with dehydration and looked like death before we got him there - please get him to the ER pronto - don't fool around or "wait and see" with this - it makes bad things happen very, very quickly.
Mulan

silent

please listen to everyone's advice

after 8 MONTHS of recovery

my h started feeling like we were never going to "heal"

like i would always feel such pain and resentment which would cause him to always feel such guilt and pain

who did he talk to about this??? yes, he talked to me......but i didn't have any answers for him that could help. I hadn't found this place yet.

so he picked up the phone and called the only person he thought might be feeling just like he is.....suffering just like he is

he called the OW

just a phone call

that's all it took after 8 months of recovery

one call led to another....just to talk because it made him feel a little better

then a call wasn't enough

"let's meet to talk" was needed to feel better

pretty soon the only time he "really felt good" was when he was with OW

all of his time with me was just not giving him that good feeling" anymore and he didn't know why....

he figured it must be because (ding ding ding!!) he had really been in love with HER all along and still was!

so he was seeking her out more and more

you know where that led

remember it's an ADDICTION

he was "craving" something to take away some of his pain....someone who would really understand his "withdrawl pain

OW was craving that feeling too....so they met to "get high" on the feeling together

they just got a "fix" and they are both going to be wanting more

he needs to stay away from the supplier and suffer through withdrawl in order to get to recovery!

let him know this!

tell him that what should have happended is this: (and what needs to happen IF this EVR happens again)

he should have told you that OW had tried to contact him! he was NOT adhering to the policies that he agreed to. (open and honest) Then the two of you TOGETHER could have decided what you needed to do to ensure that no further contact occur.

then tell him what needs to happen now:

however she contacted him.....by phone or e-mail...what ever

numbers need to be changed or blocked

and another no-contact letter from BOTH of you (so she knows he told you)

then tell him the wonderful things suggested by lousy golfer

now, maybe i'm mistaken because i'm assuming that SHE initiated the contact

if he did, you need to skip all of the above

#1 beat him over the head with whatever instrument is hard enough to get through to him

#2 tell him everything that lousy golfer said

(the 2 steps above are only a suggestion, feel free to skip #1 if you so desire <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

joking aside

DO WHAT IS BEING SUGGESTED

In my opinion (and i may not have gotten the right impression) you DO NOT sound as though you realize how dangerous this is right now!!