Good idea to have a nice little man to man with the OM. Tell him you intend on saving your marriage and ask him what his intentions are with your wife. I would do ALL exposures this morning so that you get the maximum impact. Tell your FIL you want to save your marriage and ask him to use his influence to persuade his D.


Tell her if she needs some "space" that she can go in the bathroom. But you aren't leaving becuase you need some "space" too; you need some where to LIVE. And really, it is not very "respectful" to kick a man out of his own home so she can have some "space."

There is information about plan A/B on the Q/A columns link and on the articles link at the top of the MB webpage.

You need to have a stern talk with the OM with a friend (preferably big) of yours and tell him under no uncertain terms is he to speak with or call your wife again...ever. Tell him you are trying to work on your M and expect no further "interference" from him.

Then you need to find out OM's parents and inform them of their son's behavior. In my situation, my OM's parents were instrumental in putting pressure on the A. It seems like the younger they are, the more influence the parents have. Make sure you expose to everyone that is in a position to put pressure on the A. Don't be afraid of your WW. Start monitoring her phone and internet for contact with OM. Block his email address from her account, block his calls from your land line, and monitor the cell phone account online.

Even if it did get physical, you are lucky, you caught it early, and OM seems like he will cut and run. The only reason it seems like he stuck around is because you left and your WW probably fed him some story about how it was over between you two. Make sure he knows the truth - it is FAR from over.

I don't know the OM's last name and wouldn't know where to even look for his parents.

Like I said earlier, she left the house after I came back, looked really stressed and angry when she left. I don't know how to convince her to move back in.
When I try to bring up saving our M, she withdraws from everything and mutters that it is over, etc...

Talking to her FIL won't be an issue. We get along great and have since day one.

I am trying to get her to go to the counselor session I have scheduled tomorrow. I am going to confront the OM and talk with her FIL, but I am nervous about the results of this.

Should I tell her that I spoke with her father? Or should I wait until he contacts her.

Goodmorning Df,

I am at work and won't be around much but will check in from time to time.

I see you are already getting some of the best on here talking to you.

It shouldn't be hard to find out the OM last name. The appartment management, maybe department of motor vehichles etc. might be places to start.

Yep she will be angry etc. pay no attention. You have a mission to accomplish.

dogfood, let her father contact her himself. If he DOESN'T contact her and tell her he knows, then you should tell her. But wait and let him do it.

Counseling is pretty much a waste of time until she ends her affair. Counseling is for recovery and you cant do that if she is having an affair. Better to save your money for something that is going to help.

There are not any magic words you can say that will convince her to move back but I suspect she will be right back very soon. She won't want to give up her home.

Figure it out. This is an importat key to saving your M. When you talk to him, you might ask him. If you can, check his mail. Call up the complex and ask who lives in that apartment. Whatever you need to do, do it. Find out his name. You can usually do a free intellius search to find out his closest relatives. If he has an uncommon last name and you know where he is from, you can easily find his parents. Whatever you need to do, do it!! All I knew is OM's last name. I still found his parents. The internet is such a beautiful thing. Stop at nothing. This is your marriage we are talking about.


Don't talk to her above moving back in. Where else does she have to stay. She will move back in eventually. My WW slept in the other bedroom for a couple weeks, but she eventually came back one night. Don't talk about the M, and if she starts talking about a D just say, I'm sorry you feel that way but I am not giving up. Drop all R/M talk after that. Don't let her bait you into a fight, and don't bring up R/M talk. She is just going to say what you don't want to hear. It's what all WSs do.


Good, you need as many people on your side putting pressure on the A as possible.


MC is worthless for a WW. All she is going to do is try and convince the MC that it is over. It is just a waste of money. However, a good investment is IC, ADs, and maybe a call to SH @ MB to help you with a plan. Don't be nervous about exposure, just do it. Of course she will be mad as he11, tell you that it is over, tell you she hates you, etc., but this is the standard playbook for a WS. She is trying to intimidate you to backing off and allowing her to continue her A. She will calm down in a couple days. My WW agreed to NC FIVE DAYS after exposure. Don't worry about her reaction, this is normal, just let her stew for a few days and let exposure do its work.


Just let him call her. You don't want to come off as vindictive and punishing any more than you already will in her mind. If she asks why you did this, just tell her you are trying to save your M, and just leave it at that. Don't get sucked in to an argument.

Also, think about what are her top 5 ENs? Usually for a woman that has an EA, conversation and admiration are at the top. Try to engage her in non R/M talks, but don't push. Your WW is young so you could talk to her about stupid pop culture, TV, current events, her job, etc. Compliment her. Tell her she looks good, the meal she cooked was very good, I appreciate you doing X or Y, etc. She'll resist your meeting of her ENs at first, but as long as you don't push you'll get more and more out of her. Also, avoid LBs AT ALL COST! This is why you shouldn't engage in R/M talks because it will only lead to LBs.

Remember this: Your WW fell out of love with you because she started having an affair, not vice versa. Kill the affair, and she will likely fall back in love with you again as long as you meet her ENs and avoid LBs. Saving a M by yourself is a hero's task, but you can do it.

Thanks,
great advice. It eases my anxiety somewhat.

Again, consider accepting the promotion and moving. In preparation for the move, give the apartment manager where you currently live your 30-day notice.

Your W will still have a place 2 come home 2, but it won't be downstairs from this goofball OM.

Elevator repairman? Sheesh. (not that there's anything wrong with elevator repairmen...)

-ol' 2long

DF,

you have come to the right place for help. This path you are on will be hard, long and may not always seem like the right thing to do. THESE people know what their talking about though. Listen to them!!!

1. you wife (ww) will be mad at you for ruining her fun (the A). You met some of her needs and the OM met some. It is no fun when one of you is stopping meeting her needs.

2. when you tell people about her A, she will be pi55ed as he)) at you. She may tell you "I was going to work on our M, but now you blew it - we are over." What do you do you ask? Nothing, don't respond to anything she says. Pretend that she is speaking French to you (hope you don't know French)

3. don't EVER be afraid to stand up to the OM. This is WAR

4. take the job change and move. Your wife will end up with you at some point. Right now she is hurt (lost the warm feelings she got from the A), confused and may hate you for doing all this to her. IT IS NOT TRUE, just the Fog talking on her part. It will stop one day a long time from now only if you break up this A.

Break up the A: expose, change phone #, track ww
Move with your wife
Make sure of NC (no contact) between OM and WW
Work on you - Plan A.
Prepair for a long road back from he)). Many ups and downs.

this is a start

Talk to your landlord immediately. Let him know what has gone on and tell him that eventually there is going to be trouble.

I would bet he steps in and asks the scum bag, pos, no good MF to move.

Follow the advice here... but trust me... your wife NEEDS you to stand up to this man that is assaulting your marriage.

She same home this morning (unannounced). We made the usual small talk, but it was good. As it progressed, she opened up more and I even got her to laugh. She hasn't brought up where she is going tonight.
I did talk to her biological father. He was shocked. He said he would call her later tonight when he was done with his day. He is at a conference right now.
I am scared as heck on what the fallout of this might be, but I know I am doing the right thing.

What are you scared of? Her having an affair and leaving you? That was what was going to happen if you didn't move back in and expose. Oh, you are afraid of her yelling, b!tching, and moaning at you for ruining her affair. No big deal.

Yo need to get to a place where your are more afraid of lossing your M than you are of anything your ww tells you. When you get to that place then you will start sticking up for you and your M in a better way.

I can't wait to hear about the fallout DF with FIL. Your WW will be PISSED. My FIL waited for my WW to call him one day, THEN let her have it.

WW immediately called me to tell me how self centered I was, how much she HATED me and how much of an A-HOLE I was. Expect it. Believe and know that the effect of Daddy's wrath will be great on her psycologically, especially givin the family history with MIL and FIL.

Hang tough, you are going down the right road here. Know it, believe it.

Thanks all.

Like I said, she came home this morning and we talked about small stuff. We shared a moment when we peeled an orange togther and shared it. She brought up the OM in conversation because his broken car wss being towed to the shop today. Ugh. I didn't say anything at the moment, but I will.

After that, she started talking about bycycles. We bought her a mountain bike a couple of years ago and after we bought it, she realized that for the type of riding she does, she really wants a road bike. We chit chatted some more, I stayed away from our issues and she loosened up a bit.
We decided to go window shopping for bikes. She found one she really wanted, but it was way too expensive, plus there was no way I was going to buy a bike for her anyway, tho I did not say it at the time.

But, she wanted it bad, and I even said we could manage it just to see how she would react. She got flustered and said it wouldn;t be fair given what is going on. She then got very angry with me and said "I never get to have anything, I never get buy what I want!!"

I didn't respond to the outburst. We drove home and when we got there, she stated that for the first time in our 7 years, she felt resentment towards me for coming home last night. That she feels really inconvienced because I am home and now she can't do what she wants to do. She also stated that "I had turned the tables on her".

I said that I am sorry you feel resentful, but this is my home too. She then said "This sucks, I have no where to go and really no place to stay". I said that I know and I am sorry. Inwardly, I was thinking "now she knows how I felt when I left the 1st night". I did not express that thought, however.

She also said that she is waiting for me to "blow up" at her. I said I wasn't going to do that. It would serve no purpose.

Oh, even though she no longer wears her wedding band, I make it a point to wear mine. She also introduced to one of the sales clerks as her husband. During a question and answer period, she actually moved in close to me and sort of leaned into me. I didn't respond and kind of moved away a little bit. I'm not sure how to interpret this.

She went to take a shower and I was going to snoop a little bit and check her cell phone to see the text messages her and the OM have been exchanging, but she is gaurding it like it is a national treasure. She took it into the bathroom with her.

Her FIL is supposed to call later tonight. We will see what happens. As each moment in this passes, my feelings of fear keep going away.

See, she isn't dead set on D. Isn't that what we told you? The more she has contact w/ OM the more she'll pull away from you. The less contact, the more she will draw closer to you. That is why NC is essential. You need to get out of that apartment complex, monitor her phone usage online and check the text messages (by the way, she has to sleep sometime), and if necessary get a SIM card reader with recovery software to get messages that have been deleted (total under $100 dollars).

One compromise on the bike issue is getting her new road tires to put on her mountain bike. Sometimes that will do the trick.

Good job on keeping your thoughts to yourself. Good job!!

Let your wife know that she does have a place to stay - IN YOUR HOME. No need to leave.

Good job again in letting her know that you won't take it out on her and blow up.

Don't you dare let her give OM her used bike now that his car is in the shop. Must not have let it warm up enough. LOL

Let the wedding band issue go for now. Not that big of a deal in the whole sitch.

Your wife my get very mad at you when her father calles her. Expect it. This won't kill your M. Her having a BF will.

Sim card reader is the best way to see all the stuff in 1 shot....boom...download...keep for later use. She probably deletes the texts immediately after receiving and sending as my FWW did. She also had a password lock to get into the messaging on the phone.

She got done with her shower, came out and we talked some more. She asked if she could go shopping for some shoes and new sunglasses. I said sure, have fun. I know she was expecting me to say no.
She also brought up where she is going to stay tonight. She stayed at her friend's house last night and she can go back there if she wants to. But she said "I don't know if I am going to stay here tonight or not". I said, "You are more than welcome to stay here. This is your home too". She nodded her head. She then went off to the mall. I know she can't see the OM because he will be at work until 7pm or so.

The question now is, where should she sleep. Sleeping in the same bed ain't gonna happen right now. I am making a stand my moving back in without her approval, so should she sleep on the couch, or should I compromise and sleep on the couch as a goodwill gesture towards her?

You did nothing wrong, so you sleep in the marital bed. Eventually she will come back.