Df,

Marsh has the right take on this.

Great job last night!

Good, and Good.

You are so on the right track with this.

The guy has an Alias? That doesn't say good things!!!!

Get to your lawyer asap.

So, in other words, she was able to pull one over on you for at LEAST two weeks (I get the feeling though that only describes the PA part of her A). By open to the possibility that it might actually have gone on longer than that.

My WS was able to pull the wool over my eyes for two years. Though I suspected once or twice, she knew what to say or do to keep me in the dark while the A happened almost right under my nose.

WS's lie, scheme and deceive to get their fix - it's all part of their job description. IMO recovering your M requires getting that WS out of your S.

I have an appointment with a PI in just a little bit.

I still have an appointment with a marriage counselor. I am going to keep it just to get anothe POV.
My wife told me today that she will not attend and that she is not intereted in it.

This morning was good, tho. We shared coffee and made small talk about stuff. Football, tv shows and the cats.

She was a lot less tense and stressed and seemed more comfortable.


Got to go get ready to meet with the PI.

Not interested! Typical response. She's definitely in the Fog!!!!!

Billions of [color:"red"] BIG RED FLAGS [/color] here!!

How old did you say this guy is?? I'm almost 54, and I have NEVER had any civil complaints against me (until recently, when my SIL sued us 2 GIVE her the house she's not paying rent on!), and I've never been arrested for anything. Oh, and I have no aliases (alii?) either!

This man is a CRIMINAL (even if he's never been convicted of anything, this puts a big cloud on his character that I doubt your W is aware of). Find out all you can and when you do, give copies of your evidence 2 your W and the landlord - because I doubt someone with an alias would disclose a criminal background in his tenant application.

Consider this a reasonable act during war.

Sheesh!

-ol' 2long

Also, I would advise you avoid an in-person confrontation of this guy, particularly if you find that the arrest was for something involving violence.

-ol' 2long

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Whoah

~ Marsh

Wow !! - 2long is your real name??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Of course! Trust me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

This would explain his wanting to break it off w/ your WW once he found out you knew about their A.

He probably doesn't want you to get interested in him for fear that you might expose his identity...

~ Marsh

I would stick with the in person discussion. I can tell you from experience that this guy with a record may be LESS likely than anyone else to have a confrontation since he knows he is already behind the 8 ball. I would, as I suggested yesterday, not let the sun go down today without having called the landlord and speaking to someone that can help you... and it may not be the first person you speak with. Use terms like... hostile environment... it will get their attention. Also, do not fail to mention what you already know about this joker.
As soon as you have the information your wife needs to know about it to. And frankly, if she is willing to risk your marriage over a dirt bag that would screw a married woman and that has been to jail... you may need to re evaluate your decision to remain married to her. Also, make sure her dad is kept abreast of everything that is going on... including the criminal record stuff.
And since he has a record... he will be particulary sensitive to a visit from the police. For all you know there could also be a parole/probabtion issue going on that he will not want to screw up.
Good luck.

Just keeps getting better and better......

This guy is goin' to be history before long.

Oh, someone asked and I don't think I mentioned it...he is 37.

Just before I left to see the PI, she told me that she is no longer going to see him, that they decided that nothing is going to happen. I asked if her if she knew why he didn't come home last night and she said she didn't know.

I told her I am still interested and restoring us. She said that she is not interested in restoring us, that she wants to be on her own. Kind of deflated me, but I kept up my game face.

The PI said that I should file for divorce and that there is really no need to hire him as I know about the A. He said if I want to I can, but doesn't recommend it.
He said I should be the one that files, that she would then get a huge dose of reality because she cannot afford to live on her own, will realize it sucks to be lonely and will be miserable.

I can see that POV, but a not going to act on it (at least not yet).

When I came home, I asked what she had been up to and she said she was looking at places to live. I asked her is she found anything intersting. She said yup, but can't afford it.

We live in an area with a high cost of living. Our rent on our two bedroom apartment is 1600 a month. You can't even find a room for rent for less than 600 per month.
She also has a student loan payment of about 600 per month.
We have 5 cats, which she will keep if she leaves.
She makes about 950 per month.

Anyway, I am going to go see the counelor in just a bit to get their input on what is going on.

If you want to save your M, just plan A her and don't file for D. Just drag your feet. She most likely won't ever file for D because she'll realize that she can't afford anything. Let reality hit her hard, and you be a safe place for her to land. Likely after several weeks of NC with OM, she will start showing more interest in the M. Right now, don't have any relationship/marriage (R/M) talks. Just focus on meeting her ENs and avoiding LBs. Also make sure of NC and enforce your marital boundaries.

As of right now, I don't intend to leave. I told the office that I will be working out of the home for the next couple of weeks in my management side of my job and to take me off the flight schedule. They said no problem.

So, I will be home every day for awhile.

She is telling everyone she knows that she asked me for divorce. I intercepted an email to her grandmother saying she asked me for a divorce and needs time to figure stuff out and that she will call her soon.

It is hard to keep up a happy appearance in front of her right now. It is showing that I am sad and depressed. She asked me if I would like to talk to her about anything. I said maybe in a little bit.

Anyway, I have to get ready to go.

Well, I would tend 2 agree that you don't need 2 hire the PI.

You also need 2 realize that PIs and DV lawyers will be most interested in helping you "win" (really, they win) a DV settlement. A mediator might be a better person 2 talk 2, if she insists on keeping on this DV track. Mediation isn't binding unless you both let it be, and so they can offer a view of reality that you won't get if you go 2 separate lawyers.

BUT, I also think you're wasting money on the MC. You should call the Harleys, and RIGHT NOW. If ever there is a time you need the best help, it is this instant. If you wait so much as a few months, I doubt coaching will be much help. And since this affair has happened so early in your marriage and you have no kids, cutting your losses will become a more attractive alternative 2 you with time, if she doesn't come around first.

In the meantime, keep the pressure on the OM. You need him out of there or you need 2 move yourself and your W out of there, also right now.

-ol' 2long

She doesn't want to be the bad guy, so she wants you to file for D.

Just tell her you meant what you said in your vows, "In good times and in bad," and that this is the bad times, but you are sticking with her. If she thinks you are serious about not divorcing her, she'll pout for a while, but will eventually start working on the M again. Part of her doesn't realize why you still want to be with her after what she has done.

I wouldn't believe that her A is over.

~ Marsh

Marsh is reading my thoughts again? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />