I understand that. I don't really have a whole lot of hope about this and am trying to remain objective.

One thing that works to my advantage is my training as a pilot. I fly for a living, and after doing it for 17 years I have developed excellent situational awareness skills.
I notice small things and put them in the back of my mind for evaluation and cross check and then decide if it is important or if it is not important, than to disregard.

I did the EN quitionaire in the HNHN book, and I tried to do it from both points of views. I realized that the past year or so, we haven't been really fulfilling any of our needs to each other. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

The last time I got the smile I described from her was about 13 months ago.

Don't feel bad. We all come 2 a similar realization.

This is an OPPOR2NITY 2 grow as people and possibly as a 2ple.

Think of it that way.

-ol' 2long

Yes the smile goes and the eyes become dead when they are a WS. It can come back, but it takes plenty of TIME and PATIENCE.

I remember one of the wise veterans saying that you need to throw away the calendar as changes are only seen in months not days or ever weeks.

Here is something that I would like to mention. One point of contention in our marriage has been the division of housework. We would agree that I would do the dishes, the laundry and clean the cat boxes. She would vaccum, mop the floors and keep the place generally clutter free.

While I would continue with the agreement, she would go for it for about two weeks and then stop doing her share of the workload. I would remind her of our agreement and she would do something like clean the kitchen counter, keep it up for a day or two and then stop again. I would let it sit for awhile, but after time the mess would be bad. She wouldn't vaccum for a month at a time, or even let two or three months pass between mopping the floor.

This would eventually lead to a blow out. Sometimes, a large blowout.

Since I have been home, I have been keeping up on my end our agreement, doing the dishes, laundry and the cat boxes.

The place is a general mess with piles of organized clutter, the office is a mess and the kitchen counter is cluttered with receipts, bills, and the usual crap that accumulates on counters.

Would it be a good idea for me to start cleaning up around the place? Would this cause unwanted pressure?

Thanks. There are times where I am really anxious, but I am learning I have more patience than I ever thought possible.

I am just wondering what it means when she smiles like that at me.

At this point it wouldn't hurt to pick up the place. Just don't expect that she'll appreciate it. Don't say anything about it, it will be noticed. remember no pressure. Right now you, your home etc. are not on her mind. She is really angry for her reasons and it really has little or nothing to do with you. Although she blames you for all of it. Goes with the territory.

Is this thing with her asking to buy stuff like this normal for you?

I think I would have just said buy the jacket since you need one. Never would have asked for anything from her on it. BTW I'm the one that asks in our sitch, but that's just as a courtesy to my W. Then again I rarely buy much just an occasional item.

We would always tell/ask each other before any major purcahes.

I'll tell her to just buy it as she does need one.
I was thinking along the same lines as you in regards to cleaning the house. I'll start this evening when she is out.

cleaning will keep you busy.

Yes it will. I started already and am going to vacuum in a moment before I head out to the store.

Well, I have vaccumed, straightened up the counter and cleaned the master bathroom. Feels good to be doing something.

I came home from the store and she was there listening to music. She showed me her new jacket and said she was heading out. I said have a good time and she said thanks.

Oh, one more question. If she has asks why I cleaned the bathroom, what do I tell her? I am worried about using "Because it needed it", because of all the tension housekeeping has caused us in the past.

How about:

"I wanted to make the bathroom as nice looking as you?" LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


How about "I just want to clean the house." Nothing can be taken from that.

Plan A - full steam ahead!!!

DF,

If you want to find out about how she is using the MSN account, go buy either Spector Pro or e-blaster. You will find out everything. I used it - it works.

Eph525

Well, didn't have to say that. She came home for a few moments. We sucked down a couple of cancer sticks and she was fidgety and anxious. I could tell by the look in her face. She then disappeared into the now clean bathroom, where there is no more dirt, mildew, dust and hair. She also stepped on to freshly laundered throw rugs we have on the floor.
She was in there for awhile. I thought she might be changing and putting on make-up. She wasn't. She came out, smiled (not THE smile) at me and said "Thank you for cleaning the bathroom". She was visably more relaxed.

She went to grab a book and was back out again. She smiled at me as she left.

Huh, last post didn't post.

I finally received SAA. I am on page 84.

She came home after only a couple of hours in a very bad mood. She went and changed into her sweats. She was going through the cupboards looking for something to eat and wasn't finding anything she wanted. I offered to go to the store or someplace to get some food and she said "no thank you" in a low, but harsh voice.

We had a cigarette and she didn't utter a single word, just kept fidgeting and shaking her leg.

I am also noticing she is becoming easily irritated with the cats, often yelling at them and neglecting them. Their water was almost gone and she ignored it. So, I filled it up.

The past couple of days I am seeing more and more anxiety, anger and depression. I am hoping these are the symptoms of withdrawal.

Sure, she is not getting the OM fix/high that she likes. Now everything will make her mad and on edge. This is why WS with kids don't always see the hurt they put upon the kids.

I know you don't have kids, but cats in this case.

Be the best H you can right now. Kill her with kindness.

And you aren't acting the way she has expected you to through all this. She is conflicted big time. Conflict for her right now is good! Keep up the good work!!!!!!! Plan A!!!!!!!

Today is the first day I have eaten. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I know the next few weeks are going to be very tough for her (and for me), but I am shoring myself up.

I sent an email to my MIL the other day, but apparently my email address is blocked. Should I call her to explain the situation as far as her daughter's emotional state is?

I worry that my WS might start to display some self-destructive tendencies and she sure ain't going to listen to me.

If your email is blocked what does that say?

I am just concerned with her encouraging your W to move on without you.

If she could be counted on to support your M and help your W through this difficult time Yes by all means.

I don't know if I can count on that support from her. But then, we haven't spoken either. I am considering contacting my WS's aunt and uncle. They have survived an affair and are close to my WS. OTOH, they are dealing with a son who is a drug addict right now.

Oh, probably means nothing and just me hoping again, but tonight she is wearing the slippers I bought her for X-mas.

She is in the bedroom listening to her CD player.