I can't believe that a father would be fine with his DD dating a guy who was arrested for drugs and doing this behind her H back - an A.

I would not just "let it go" with my DD. I would be on her a55 about it and pay the little chit a visit myself. There would be NO mistake as to how I would handle it if the POS ever talked to my DD again.

Her father isn't fine with it and is upset over it, but her family has always been the kind that lets their children make decision for themselves. They offer input, but accept whatever decision they make. Very frustrating.

My last hope is a close friend and former business partner of my wife. I will call her today and give her the scoop. She is NOT afraid to speak her mind. She doesn't know about the A, just that my WW asked for a divorce.

My WW mood is interesting this morning. She is not grumpy, sad, or anything. She is acting like nothing is wrong, other than I am there. We had coffee this morning and she was telling me about her day yesterday. How she helped someone who slipped on some black-ice and dislocated his knee, and told me about the dinner she and her friend had because they didn;t want to eat what her mom was cooking, etc...
She asked no questions about me or what I did.

This is very normal behavior for a WS. One day fine the next bad or even hour to hour.

Have you tried to get ahold of OM parents yet?

Did you call the landlord yet this week to dicuss the drug arrest? If not, why not?
Have you called SH?
I sense this situation is just "happening" to you... rather than you grabbing the bull by the balls and doing EVERYTHING you can to handle this. No stone should be left unturned and NOTHING should be put off until tomorrow.

Df,

These people Jim, BigK, M2l, MEDC know whaqt they are talking about. They have been ther and done what you are going through. Listen to the advice and Fight for this M. You can do this. And No One said it would be easy.

Just hang in there and keep fighting for what is right!!!!!!!!!

I have a friend who refuses to expose to the OM's W. He's going into D proceedings now. I tried to get him to expose, but he's just letting all this happen to him without action plans. He wants his WW, but has given up, and contact still happens. I told him the BW on the other side deserves to KNOW THE TRUTH, and it's not just an attack on their family life.

Stand up for yourself and know you are controlling the outcome.

We had a conversation today. She changed the password on the cell phone account (again, it is in her name). I asked why, and she said she feels like I am spying on her.
She said she found a place and is moving out soon and wanted to know if I would like to take over the lease.
Found a note book with some questions in it that she is going to ask an attorney, the usual, my rights, his right, support before and after the marriage, etc..
She left with it, so I think I know where she is headed.

She said she didn't appreciate me contacting her family members, especially her father. She said she is not going to answer calls from him for a long time (He left a voice ail last night).
She also asked if I spoke with the OM. I said yes, we talked. She asked if I threatened him, I said no, it was a pleasant conversation. She asked what we talked about, and I told her. I also told her that he told me that he would never be in a relationship with her because he wouldn't be able to trust her, etc...

She said that she was developing feelings for him, but she realized that nothing would happen with them and then she thanked me for ruinging her friendship.
She then asked if I would do that with every male friend she has, I said it depends on the circumstances. She said what does that mean, I said if the circumstances were the same as this, if the other guy is going to be a ninfluence on a life decision like divorce, then yes, I will do the same thing.

Then she started talking about alimony and that she found an attorney that takes payments and that usually the husband gets stuck with the bill. Ugh.

Now, instead of the last year being bad, it is the whole 7 years we have been together. She said she made the decision to divorce me months ago, blah blah blah.

She was controlled during our conversation, but she definitely is ticked at me, saying I am making things difficult for her and trying to manipulate her by talking to her family.

I know she feels embarrased, now that her family knows why she is leaving. Oh, and she told me that the reason why her mother hasn't returned my call is she is away on a buisness trip (which might be true, she is on the road a lot).

I didn't talk to the landlord yesterday because I didn't get home in time, as I was talking and having dinner with her grandmother.

It is first on my list today when I head out in about an hour.

Your WW is acting just like my WW did after exposure. She visited a lawyer, told me how pissed she was at me exposing, told me I crossed the line by spying on her (first of all, don't EVER agree that you are spying on her. Do parents spy on their children? Is that wrong? Or are they checking up on them and making sure they do the right thing. You can't spy on your wife. You aren't spying on her, she is keeping secrets from you. It isn't a privacy issue, it is a secrecy issue. Make sure you frame the argument correctly).

Anyway, just weather the storm and stop enabling her. Get a plan and continue to work it. Most relationships weather the storm after an A. Just don't give up if you truly want to save your M. It isn't over until the ink is dried on the final divorce papers.

What scares me is how calm she was. She was definitely angry, but was very controlled and didn't lash out.

When she accused of me spying on her, I told her that I wasn't spying. She said she feels like I know her every move and that hired someone to follow her. I said, no I did not do that (thought about it and talked to someone, but didn't say that).

I am wondering what the ramifications will when I seperate the finances. I know it will tick her off, but will this prompt her to go to the attorney to file an order for me to support her?

One of the questions on her list was financial support before the dvorce.

She has been thinkig a lot about the fact that it is her name only on the lease. She will probably ask the attorney about that too. After she brought up the lease in our conversation earlier, she asked me why I am being so difficult and that I am forcing her to see an attorney and that it will be bad for me because I will get stuck paying the bill.

I really hate no fault states.

DF:

If you're in a no-fault state and you've only been married a short time and have no kids, how does her attorney think you'll be required 2 pay alimony? There should be nothing more than a 50/50 split of assets and finances.

If it comes 2 a DV battle, see if you can have your M annulled.


Personally, the more I hear the more I don't think that your W is "marriage material" yet. She's 2 young and 2 imma2re.

It is true that you can't make her do what she doesn't want 2 do, which I think is why her relatives, especially those who've been through infidelity themselves, have said that she makes her own decisions. You can only live by example what kind of people you want 2 be associated with, and hope that she sees that (plan A), and wants more of it.

She's 2 angry now 2 do any such thing, and will likely be for a while 2 come.

I would suggest, if you really still want 2 save this marriage, that you contact one of the Harleys right now and have them help you come up with a plan. If anyone can entice your W in2 participating in recovery, it's them.

Time is short in this particular si2ation, because the "easy" way out for the WS without kids and with such a short term marriage, is 2 walk.

But I'd cut my losses, if it were me. Obviously it's not.

-ol' 2long

Just talked to my legal friend. She would be able to show a hardship because of her student loan payment. It was obtained during our marriage, even though it is only her and her mother's name on it.
The flip side, tho, is her earning potential. She can make a lot more money as a chef than she can working for the coffee shop and she has shown zero inititive to get a job in the culinary field.

I am begining to agree about her maturity level. Like I said before, she went from high school to me and has never been on her own.

I approached the idea of having her come with me to see the therapist I am seeing, and in return giving her what she wants. At first, she said no but now she is thinking about it.

Also, another thought. I give in and offer an uncontested disolution, but get to remain in the house as a roommate.
That way, she thinks she is getting what she wants, but I still get to be here and work on her.
It may be the only way I can stay in the home, as she can legally kick my butt to the street.

Okay, so maybe you'd be required 2 help her and her mother make the loan payment. See if you can divide it by 3, if you're required 2 pay. She's working, so she can't expect you 2 pay her living expenses. She can move back in with her mom if she can't afford the apartment.


If you DV, then this is her problem. Not yours.


Hence my concern.


Don't make deals you can't follow through. "The only thing worse than making a bad promise is keeping it." Her motivation for joining you in MCing are suspect. She should do it because she wants 2, not because there' a Happy Meal waiting on the other side.


Right. And 2morrow? I still recommend the Harleys. But they might tell you 2 cut your losses, 2.


Why would you want 2 do this? I would think that your company's offer would be a pretty s2pid thing 2 throw away under the circumstances.


The sooner you abandon any thoughts of "working on HER" the better off both of you will be. LET GO of needing 2 control the outcome. "What you resist, persists." You can only "work on yourself." You should never desire 2 work on someone else.


Let her kick, you'd be better off... ...but that's just what I'd do.

-ol' 2long

Why I brought up the earning potential is it could affect how much I will be required to pay in support. This has been argued succesfully in my state.

Another thing, the email she read that I wrote to her father pretty much explained what I am trying to do and how I am going about doing it, so she knows about "Plan A".

I think this will have a very big negative impact, because now she will be thinking I am doing it to try to gain control over her.

She is viewing this like a power struggle.

Df,

You are getting conflicting points of view her and from your friends and family.

You, your friends, and family know you and her best, but the people here know what you are going through from experience. they have seen these situations come and go and be resolved. Not all sitch's work out but a great number do.

There is something to said for cutting your losses and for sticking it out and fighting for what is right. I'm of the latter mind set. But that will have to be your choice.

You need to make decision is continuing to fight to get your WW back is worth the effort. We too married young, were together within 6 month of high school and married 2 years later. this may have something to do with my W A also, maybe just a need to experience greener pastures.

What I do know is that if you could get away from the negative influences in her life you would at least have a shot.

I really think a call to the Harley's would be worth the effort and expense. before throwing in the towel.

It is difficult to get her away from the negative influences. She knows I have no leverage right now.

I could call the Harley's, but she won't join the call. I talked about emotional needs with her today and how they have gone unmet and she responded with "yea, for 7 years".

And if I call and talk to him and lay out Plan A, then what? Right now, the direction it is headed in is one of us is moving out soon. She told me that she and her friend have found a place and between the two of them they can afford it.

My only advantage in this, is they she will have to break the lease on our current residence, and that is cost prohibitive for her (It would somewhere in the neighborhood of $1600).

Also, if I move out her friend will more than likely move in.

Or, if she moves out and I stay, then what?

If it's cost prohibitive for her, that is good. Right now you are in the discovery/exposure stage which it the toughest part. Right now you need to try and prevent contact, plan A, don't enable her, and let her experience the full consequences (especially financial) of what she is doing. It might take a while, but just try and ride the storm out for right now. If you resolve to keep her in the M is stronger than her desire to leave, you can make it. Right now she is trying to chip away at your will. Don't let her do it. Talk to SH, get a plan, and stick to it. Most marriages can recover from this.

Also, only move it if she moves out (i.e. stick her with breaking the lease), but don't leave if she doesn't. If she does move out, not only does she get hit with a big financial penalty, but she doesn't live nextdoor to the OM.