Yeah sure, like your going to give her $$ so she can carry on with this OM and still be able to afford it.


What a VERY understanding H you would be - not

She'll likely play chicken with you until the time comes and she doesn't have any money. That's how it happened with my WW.

That is what I am expecting. I am still trying to get ahold of her mother. Like I said, when we were in tough times a few years ago, her mother helped us out. But, it wasn't anything huge.
Right now, my WW would need close to 3,000 to get out from under the lease and I don't think her mother would give her that kind of money. I am still going to try to talk to her about it, tho.

Df... I really don't understand what you are trying to do. You have 2 talks with the OM about ceasing all contact with your W. He doesn't ... so what do you do... you give him more info than he already has about your wife. Know they have another thing to talk about... now he has another weapon to use to draw your wife closer. Where is your outrage and ANGER towards the man that is putting his penis in your wife? WHERE IS YOUR ANGER AND DIRECTED FOCUS TO GET THIS MAN AWAY FROM YOUR WIFE?
Drop the whole money thing. If the only reason she stay with you is the money problem... you don't want her.
Your actions were so confusing to me at times I questioned the validity of your sitch. I think the bottom line here is you need to either FIGHT for your wife and get away from this OM... or you need to walk away.
YOU need to man up here DF. You are letting life happen to you rather than taking control of what you can.

Can't mistake that statement!!!

I agree with what you are saying.
What specifically can I do?

I have stated my boundries that I wish to be respected. Going out all the time and staying out late. I am told "What are you going to do about it?".
I can't throw her out, as she can turn around and throw me out because of the lease situation.
I have contacted her close relatives, and she is choosing no contact with them. Maybe sending them a text message saying "I'll be in touch soon", which is her way of avoiding any conflict with them.
The OM isn't going anywhere for the time being, residence wise. I have made the landlord aware of the situation (the A and th drug arrests), and they don't seem to care a whole bunch. If they do, I don't know about it.
I cut her off financially, but she still has money in her personal account (that she seems to be spending).As much as I would like to smash his windshield in on his BMW, all that would do is give me a large repair bill.
What is next?

Oh, and I have told her to stop seeing the OM, at least our of respect of our 7 years together. She said "The 7 years we had were terrible and I will do what I want".

[quote]I agree with what you are saying.
What specifically can I do?

How about moving out? She's given you enough reasons. The STD was, for sure, a deal-breaker for me.

Sorry, I meseed-up on that last post.

Leave today and go into a dark plan B....

or go upstairs and let the OM know that if he contacts your wife again... or responds to her contact... that he will suffer... and then walk away.

I would recommend you leaving though. Your wife is an immature, lying, cheating, std carrying waste of your time at this point. Focus your energy on your new place, a new job and eventually someone that will care about you.

Send this "woman" packing.

TODAY!!!!!!!!!

The soonest I can leave would be on Monday. My work will put me up in hotel until an apartment is found, but that will not start until next week. I would also have to eventually come back to get my stuff. How could I accomplish that during Plan B without the risk of contact?

Work has also agreed to pay my rent as part of my compensation package, which would mean less net income in the event ailimoney is awarded.

So, wait till Monday... but start packing today.

MEDC-

Leaving today would be a mistake. He just moved BACK...after we showed him that this was his only chance of saving his marriage. Leaving today would show his WW that he's not serious about trying to fix things.

DF-

What you need to do is to get a gameplan in place for enforcing your boundaries. You seem to have a good idea on what they are...now you need to know what to do if they're not respected.

First off...make sure that she sees and hears how much her planning on leaving and her continued contact with OM hurt you.

Make sure you've done all the exposure possible...and make sure that her family/friends/etc... all know that she's STILL in her affair. Have you talked with any of these "friends" of hers that are enabling her behavior? Do THEY know that she's cheating on you?

Keep the pressure on to END THE AFFAIR.

And keep working the 'carrot' of plan A as well. What are the things about you that attracted her to you in the first place? Start building on those, and fixing the things that you know are/were unattractive. Dress a little nicer...wear cologne even around the house. You get the picture.

Don't move out...not until you no longer love her, and have no desire left to rebuild your marriage.

Any ideas on how I can enforce the boundries? That is where I am lost and feel my hands are tied.
I have told her that when she has contact with the OM, that it hurts. I also told her that moving out is very hurtful as well. She just remains silent and gives me no response.

I have been in contact with her family, but they take a wait and see attitude. Not to mention, she has pretty much cut off contact with them.
Her friends do not respond to me, voice mails and text messages are left ignored...same story with my MIL.

I keep working on the carrot part of Plan A. I make sure I do not lounge around in my sweats like I used to, try to dress nice, smell good and clean, etc...I wear the colgne she gave for my Birthday a couple of years ago.
Smells and memories go hand in hand, afterall.

I disagree emphatically. You have your opinion and I have mine. Who is the "we" you are referring to? There are quite a few here that have also suggested that he leave and find someone with more maturity. "We" have different opinions on this board.

Staying with her in this situation is a huge mistake in MY opinion.

Both POV's are valid and I am weighing my decision. Kind of a hope for the best and prepare for the worse.

As of now, she has been off work for 90 minutes and hasn't come home yet. Usually, when she works the opening shift, she will come home and take a nap. I am wondering if the OM didn't stop by this morning for his coffee. He said that he will go somewhere else from now on.

In answer to your question of "we"-
JustKeepGoin - If you want the Marriage you need to get home and fight for it.

MrWondering- If you want to work on it...get your B U T T home.

BigKahuna - No you just move back in. It's your home. Why would you ask? You are enabling her affair by being out of your home.

Hoping68 - Move back in and do Plan A....don't you move out..if she wants out, then let her move out...you stay right there!

10Swords - Just show up with your stuff and tell her you still love her and want to work on fixing what has gone wrong in the marriage. Get out your photo albums of happy times together, and remind her what you have worth fighting for.

MelodyLane - GO HOME!

Mulan - Go Home and Fight For What Is Yours, or else cower down and lose it all.

Eph525- Please go home and do not leave. You need to be the strong one for your marriage.


My understanding is that unless you go to plan B...the BS should ALWAYS be the one who stays in the house, for a number of reasons. There might be exceptions...but since he's been BACK in the home such a short time, I don't see this case as being one of them.

Silly response... yes... I know others have recommended that he stay Owl...
The "we" is not everyone here though.
You can have your opinion... but frquently even Dr. Harley will recommend divorce in this type of sitch... no kids... immature...
I stand by my advice for him to leave... and RIGHT AWAY.

I too would have told him to go home... but these conditions are intolerable in my opinion. If you don't agree with that... I have no problem with that since I was letting DF know how I feel about this and offering advice (to him) based on that.

If he wants to save his M, moving out is just going to allow WW and OM to spend the night in each other's apartments every night. I'm sure he doesn't want his WW shacking up with OM with impunity. Staying at home at least makes it uncomfortable to have the A. I would stay at home until she moves out, and then stick her with breaking the lease and go into plan B.