te:
First of all, I don't believe you. You'll be back! Maybe you won't post, but you'll be back 2 see what kind of reactions you got.
I want 2 address some of your points:
First let me start by introducing myself.
Welcome!
I’m the immature 19-year-old bipolar roommate that was aforementioned, aka “The Enemy.”
I know this sounds judgmental - probably will for several more years - but the simple truth is that you
are imma2re. 19 is imma2re. When I was 19, I was imma2re. I know that now, but I wouldn't have accepted that then. I have no idea whether your bipolar or not, and I don't think I called you the enemy. Sad choice of login names.
This website came to my attention last night, and in the time since then I have read all the posts in this thread. During all this, a question came to mind…
You should look around the rest of the forum, not just at the food thread. Of course, you don't have 2, it's just a suggestion. But your posts would have more "tooth" if they came from a little broader knowledge base than this one did.
Do you people ever stop and think about what you are saying?
All the time. All of us.
You know absolutely nothing about the situation going on between “Dog” and “Mrs. Dog.”
We know a heck of a lot more about the si2ation than you can possibly imagine. It comes from years of experience dealing with infidelity in our own lives, and communicating on this forum with hundreds of others struggling with it in theirs. Of all the irrational behaviors, infidelity is one of the most predictable and understandable. The food's si2ation is very typical.
What if he was abusing her, and you were sitting here telling him how to make her stay with him?
If he was abusing her, we'd advise she get out. ...and we'd advise he get help for himself. But we have no evidence of that here. We
have invited Mrs Food 2 come here and tell her story. Can you ask her again for me?
Did you ever think of that?
Yes. Always do. In fact, one of the first things that therapists and marriage coaches are required 2 ask is whether either spouse is prone 2 violence or has suicidal tendencies. People care.
Did you ever stop to think that there might be a real, legitimate reason that she wants to leave him?
Many times. Is there one? We'd love 2 hear it.
Not just because she’s “wayward” or she’s confused.
Not "just?" That's more than plenty, sister.
They have been together for 7 years, I don’t think she’s going to make this decision on a whim.
So they got 2gether when you were 12? Don't you think that the Foods should be making their own decisions about
their marriage, not someone conflicted like the OM, or you (offering 2 share an apartment with a married woman 2 help her out of her marriage? What does your MOM think of that?). If she's not happy in her marriage, she should be getting help from a professional, not someone who can take advantage of her or exacerbate her frustration. That's abuse.
Furthermore, her choice to leave him and end the marriage also doesn’t have anything to do with the “OM.”
Bull feathers. There is no way you can separate the 2 issues, because no matter what he does, if he says or does anything at all, he's interfering in a marriage in trouble. He can't help, he can only do harm. That's abuse.
I will address that, however, in a moment.
And I'll respond, in another moment.
The second thing I would like you to think about is the way you are going about trying to help “Dog” and the type of advice you are giving him.
followed by:
Did anyone notice that not ONCE in almost 300 posts (and believe me, I read every single one) did “Dog” say that he loved his wife, missed her, was sorry for everything, wanted to change, wanted to understand her, wanted to become a better husband, couldn’t imagine life without her, etc?
which evokes: HUH? I read every post as well. I honestly don't remember whether he said that he loves her. I can honestly tell you that I believe that he does, though. Women's in2ition, I suppose (though I'm not a woman, I've been married 2 one for 31 years). I do believe he's told us that he wants 2 change, though. We don't know enough details 2 know what he may or may not need 2 apologize for. He's here because he wants 2 understand why she's doing the things she's doing now. He has said he wants 2 be a better husband.
..."couldn't imagine life without her"...
She's forcing him 2 live without her, isn't she? One thing we all learn, at some point in our lives, is that it is healthy 2 want 2 be with someone, but it isn't healthy 2 need 2 be with someone. The best relationships, marriages in particular, are those where 2 emotionally healthy and whole individuals come 2gether 2 share themselves and their experiences with one another. What happens 2 couples who can't live without one another when one of them gets hit over the head with a piano?
What would you have Food do if Mrs food leaves him for good? Sit in a corner and cry and drool for the rest of his life?
Let me give you a hint…
No.
Ah, heck. Now I'm going 2 have 2 go back and read all his old posts! Would it be okay with you if I just ask him straight out?
DF, do you love your W?
Or do you think he'd be fakin' it if I asked him?
The advice you are giving him is that he should ignore everything she tries to tell him (it’s all “Fog Talk” anyway...)
Not ignore, understand what it is. FOG LATIN.
I don't advocate manipulation. If you look back, you'll see a number of us (maybe all of us?) have said 2 DF that he can't control her, only himself. Not much room for manipulation in there.
From what Food tells us, her friends won't talk 2 him. How can he manipulate them? Do you mean you? How has he manipulated you?
and her financial situation so as to make it impossible for her to leave.
Again, DF can only control himself. He has the right 2 control his finances, though. Sorry that you and the Missus think that keeping the marital assets within the marriage is manipulative. It's not.
What kind of marriage counseling advice is that?
We're not counselors.
To make a relationship work both people have to open up and listen to each other.
It's easier 2 do this in each others' presence, isn't it? How does separation foster communication?
They have to make sacrifices in order to please their partner, not because it’s the only way to make them stay, but because they WANT to see their lover happy.
Agreed, though the term "lover" has all kinds of icky stigmas associated with it. Especially here, and under the present circumstances.
They have to do more than just smile and nod, which is what you are telling “Dog” to do, and what he has been doing.
Okay, DF. Next time you see your W - assuming you ever do - give her a 'thumbs up'. Maybe that will be the magic bullet that'll get you 2 in2 recovery!
She sees right though that. Women aren’t stupid, we know when men aren’t listening.
I don't think you're s2pid, I think you're ignorant and inexperienced. Mrs food isn't here presenting her viewpoint, so I can't comment on her vision, either. Mrs food, what's your take? What exactly do you see "through that?"
The advice you are giving “Dog” sounds like he is dealing with a 2 year old child, not his wife, his partner, his EQUAL.
WSs often behave like 2 year olds. I like your use of the terms "wife" and "partner", though. Really. I'd love 2 talk about them with Mrs Food. About what those terms mean 2 her, how they make her feel about herself.
Certainly men and women are equals, though. Everybody knows that.
“Mrs. Dog” is not a child to be handled, and taught a lesson to.
No, but you might be.
She is a real woman, with real feelings, and real emotions.
Feelings and emotions are the same things. She also has made choices - like the one 2 forsake all others and support Mr Food through good times and bad. This is one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage. People of integrity take these si2ations by the horns and work through them, not go running 2 conflicted friends and members of the opposite sex for negative feedback.
Take a look at the situation. She obviously knows how hard this divorce is going to be (and rest assured, it is happening), both financially and emotionally (she is also capable of feeling, go figure…).
NOBODY knows how hard divorce is until they are divorced. NOBODY.
If she is willing to take on this financial situation, one that will not be comfortable for a long time, then she must really want to get out. Meaning there is something going on that “Dog” isn’t admitting.
I've no doubt she wants out. I have no idea what Dog hasn't admitted, for obvious reasons. Mrs Food can certainly tell us what's going on, though. Maybe it can help us help dog.
These are the things I want you to think about before you give him any more of your heartfelt advice.
Wait a minute. How old did you say you were? I've got ailments older than you! Okay, advise away.
Boys, wives are not property. They are your equals and should be treated as such.
Now we're getting somewhere. Some insight in2 the "help" you are offering your "friend" out of her marriage 2 this awful man, DF. Women haven't been property for hundreds of years. (and even when they "were", their owners knew better than 2 point that out!) Equals, treated as such.... Yeah, we know. Lec2re away, though.
And now to the subject of the “OM.” He is not the reason she is leaving. You can think that until you are blue in the face, but this is what I KNOW. If anything, the “OM” is a catalyst.
BINGO! He, therefore,
IS the reason she's leaving instead of working on her problems with her marriage with her Husband. That's what catalysts DO - they cause a reaction 2 take place. If you truly believe that his interference with a troubled married woman isn't a major reason she's leaving her husband of 7 years, then you're a complete
FOOL. And you're abusing your "friend" by letting her believe that her issues are her H's fault for not meeting her needs, and that she should leave him for that.
Ever since I met “Mrs. Dog” I have seen how unhappy their marriage is.
And when was this? When you were an even younger teenager than you are now?
She is one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met, and I couldn’t imagine her being married to anyone less than that. Because no other man could deserve such an amazing person.
I'd like 2 hear more about her. Preferably FROM her. I've heard Food's description, such as he's told me.
And then you judged him. And then you dumped on him - by feeding back on the negativity. Tell me about his good qualities. I know he has some. Let's see if you can find them.
The only thing the “OM” did was show her that she can be happy outside of this life she is living.
This is typical predatory behavior. And the results are all 2 clear 2 see.
Whether they work out or not isn’t the issue.
Sorry, you can't separate his interference in her marriage from their marriage's fate. If they don't "work out", it will be as a direct result of the OM's (and possibly your) bad influence. PERIOD.
He showed her happiness and friendship, and those are the things that gave her the courage to take control of her own life.
He has everything 2 gain and nothing 2 lose by being "nice" 2 her, doesn't he? Mrs Food always had the ability 2 control her own life - she makes her own choices all the time, even 2 the detriment of her marriage - the OM appears 2 have shown her this wonderful world. Why wouldn't he? He has no emotional investment, and a lot of short term pleasure 2 gain for his efforts, doesn't he?
Neither I, nor “Mrs. Dog” will be making any additional posts, so please don’t ask anymore.
2 late!!
If you need more drama in your lives, I suggest a soap opera.
Never watch the things. They're 2 much like your post!
Thank God you're not (and I'm an atheist).
I also wouldn’t bother even giving “Dog” any more advice.
I like Dog. He's in pain. I like helping people who're going through the pain that I know all 2 well from my own prior experience with infidelity. Don't tell me what I can or should do.
Perhaps.
There are always questions.
This has gone way too far, and the posts on this website have only shown her that she can never have respect for “Dog” again.
At least until the fog clears.
Happy homewrecking!
-ol' 2long
