Dog,

Hey buddy, stick around for a while, you were are an insperation to some of use new people here...

hey things on my end are looking bleak right now too.
I too boxed up some of the weding stuff this weekend.
i am also scared, lonley, tired, sad, mad... you name it.
this is like a Bull ride and the buzzer won't blow, you can't get off and the clowns are taking a break.

The reason I say stay is you have made a host of true friends who honestly care about and for you.

We all been through the Shi*, we understand what your going though... who better to talk tyo and lean on when your hurting?

I wish you the best Dog, it wasn't you didn't deserve her man, she didn't deserve you...


as for the OM, I am sure he can be confidant she will never leave him...

My farther used to tell me, it is better to be alone then in Bad company


JIm

I am back. You guys are my friends, my outlet, my sounding board. If she reads this now, it doesn't matter.

The past two days have been incredibly hard. I cried and cried. A lot. The night I posted what was to be my last post, I had a bottle of painkillers and a glass of water ready to swallow. Had my note written out. But then I stopped. It is the cowards way out. I am not a coward.

Yesterday, I watched our wedding video. Heard the vows, heard the "I do's". I was crying hard thru most of it, but then something happened. I stopped. Like someone turing off a faucet. I just stopped. And then I felt nothing. Not anger, not sadness, just nothing. It wasn't even being numb, just no emotion.

I went and bought catfood last night. On the way home, I spotted the OM's car driving down th street. I passed him and didn't feel anything. No hatred, no anger. Nothing. Is this normal? I don't know.

As some of you know, she filed and I was served with the papers by none other than t_e. That is sad. She was someone, based on her subsequent posts (which have since been deleted), who almost got it.
I actually liked her when I met her. She seemed like a good person. Oh well. I am still happy I was able to help her out that one night with the jumpstart.

As I prepare to move forward thru this, there are things I will definitely miss.
I will miss my wife. Our embraces, the kisses, feeling her hand in mine, her companionship, listening to her breathe while she sleeps. I used to lie awake for hours listening to that.
I will miss the cats. Their meowing, scratching in the litterbox at 3 in the morning, bumping their heads into me while I sit on the couch.
I will miss our home. Out of all the places we have lived, this is the one place that felt like home.
I will miss her family. I have grown closer to them than my own family.

But, life goes on, I will go forward. I will land on my feet. I won't look back. I did some things in our marriage that I am not proud of. I LB'd bigtime on some occasions. But, I can't change that. Only apologize for it and work on me so I never do that again, to anyone.

Something interesting happened the other night. She actually initiated contact with me. It was a text message about the cats. First time she initiated contact with me in over two weeks.

But, I will be moving on soon. Out of our home. I know once I leave, I will more than likely never hear from her or see her again, except during the court hearings.

Such is life.

Oh, one more thing. No more bashing my wife here. It serves no purpose.

(((((Dogfood)))))

Ditto everything that 2Long said in his post to you.

For what it may be worth, I KNOW the feelings you had.

If it helps at all, let me just mention that the "one thin unbreakable thread" that you can hold onto is Jesus.

Read Psalm 23, you may find some comfort in knowing that in the darkest night, deepest valley, scariest time....Jesus leads you and even carries you when you just can't see the how or have the strength for one more step.

You are not alone. Not with God and not with your fellow travelers here on MB.

God bless.

Dog,

I feel your pain. I was seriously contemplating suicide as well during my WW's A. But look at me now. I'm in a much better place than I was just a few months ago. Take care of yourself. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Things always have a way of working themselves out in then end.

Do me a favor. I know that you've lost all hope in your situation, and I can't blame you. That doesn't mean that it is truly over. I feel that you have done a pretty good plan A in your 6-7 weeks since D-day. Write and deliver a plan B letter to your WW. Let her know there is a way out if she changes her mind. Then go completely dark. Also don't cave in as much as possible during the D hearings. Let her feel the consequences of her actions. You know the A with the OM will end (and it will probably end quickly). She may start missing you. Don't let her get her fix of you. You never know what goes on in the head of a WW. My WW was operating under the false assumption that we could still be "friends." Once I told her I was never speaking to her again, she snapped out of the fog just enough to end it with OM. Take care of yourself, but if there is a part of you that still wants to reconcile, leave the door cracked open for her as you walk away. My heart goes out to you, and I know things will work themselves out for you in the end.

I memorized the 23rd Psalms, among others and they brought me a great deal of comfort. I used to walk around the house doing dishes or whatever, repeating the mantra "God, please take away my pain".

And if that is not your thing find something that is. Something that will bring you comfort and steady you as the roller coaster goes up and down as it will for quite some time.

In furtherance to the other's words - at no other time in your life will you be able to attain the level of growth that you will be able to now. Incredible pain and loss allows us creativity and growth that are usually unattainable to that degree when we are without pain/strife.

You will get to a place where you will need to reach for a way to turn this into a positive experience in order to find happiness again...and you'll remember the words of all here.

It might be awhile before that happens, but the seeds will have been planted.

And that is the gift of finding this place and having such wise souls to talk to.

Hang in there df.

Thanks. I feel I am in a good place for the moment. I know there will be more ups and downs as this proceeds. I will handle it.

I am already making plans for my future. Setting goals and will try to achieve them. I took my first step forward yesteday. I will keep going in that direction. I feel free for the first time in 6-7 weeks.

The hardest part is getting to this point. It's all downhill from there. You'll be in a better place as a result of all of this no matter how it turns out. The same cannot be said for your WW. She is going to crash HARD.

John,

I'm very glad you are still here today. You can help other newbies that will be along each day. It's sad, but true. You know how they feel and you know the path to take to help them out.

May your peace and happyness come faster than you thought it would.

You matter and count too in life and I'm glad to have met you here at MB.

I guess I finally hit rock bottom the past two days. I have never felt pain like that before. Not even when my mother died, and that hit me very hard. There is nowhere to go but up.

I have been reading some of the newer posts. I think I will try to help others during their time of need. MB has helped me cope with and understand what is going on. Helping newcomers in the same situation is the least I can do.

I think you know that I'm not bashing her when I'm saying that she's behaving monstrously. Telling the truth isn't bashing.


I'm glad you decided 2 come back. If, by some small chance, she ends her affair in time 2 reconcile with you, you'll both need 2 be radically honest with one another.

And, at this point, I don't really believe that she can used the truth of how you feel and what you're doing against you, though she may try.

At some point, being vindictive will get old for her as well. When it does, and she'd like 2 take a more positive look at planning her fu2re, we'll be here.

-ol' 2long

I know you weren't bashing her when you said that. But, there have been some negative posts on here about her. I don't agree with what is going on, but when I read that it hurts me. I hurt enough as it is.

As I have said, I am moving forward. I have deleted old text messages from her, deleted her's and her family's phone numbers from my phone. I won't even be taking a picture of her when I leave.

I don't know what the future holds for me. I am back on track for my promotion at work. But, maybe it is time to try different things, move to a different area. Time to leave this quagmire behind me.

I would still like to do an uncontested dissolution. *EDIT* - Actually, I don't want to divorce, but since it is heading in that direction, uncontested would be the best option. It would be the fastest, least expensive way to get this done. But, she is on course with her filing. This will only prolong the situation.

Food:

I think the courts would like you 2 do an uncontested dissolution, as well.

-ol' 2long

True that. They don't want to waste time on a case from a couple who have almost zero assets and no kids.

I would make sure your reflecting on this time, don't do anything about your emotions that will cause you gried later. I think Plan B still fits in situations like this.

So you have done a fairly good job of explaining the situation, I think there is a likely chance that she will come back to you, eventually. Now no one knows when, but the statistics prove it out.

Now I am not saying your going to wait for her, but you need to heal from this before doing anything with your heart.

Well, here we are. Tuesday morning. Now that I have some digs lined up, guess it is time to start packing.
I don't want to do this. I don't want to leave our home.
I am going to miss the smell of our bedroom. It smells like "us". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

VR - yea, I have seen the stats. But I do feel that once I leave, she won't have anything to do with me anymore.
******, I don't even know where she is anymore. No idea where she is staying. I know I haven't seem the OM around the complex for the past few days too. Makes me wonder. But, out of my hands. I no longer get anxious over it, tho. I've finally stopped pacing the apartment all night long and I find myself not thinking about 100% of the time. I actually saw something funny on TV last night, and laughed. A real laugh. Haven't done that in 7 weeks.

Food:

I think her whereabouts and EG's whereabouts are an indication that this A is just really taking off. It will flourish for a while yet, because the endorphine high is brand spanking new.

But it won't last, and your STBXWW will crash hard when it ends.

Hopefully, by that time you won't be sitting in a lawn chair with a drink with a paper umbrella in it, watching the slow-motion train wreck.

Because there are far better things for you 2 do with your time and your hard-earned wisdom.

-ol' 2long

Yea, I am out of here.
Don't get me wrong, I still love my wife very VERY much and would love nothing better than to spend the rest of my days with her, but current circumstances dictate otherwise.

Well,
Got an email today from a company I worked for while in Florida. They are looking for a pilot or two. Hmmm...something to consider. It would be nice to hang out with the old gang again. It was good times, but then again there are a lot of memories. I don't know. Change-O-scenery might be nice. Since Kansas is recently imprinted in my memory, maybe I could settle the argument as to which state is flatter.

make sure you bring a tape measure and a bubble level if you go!

-ol' 2long