I’d like to thank everyone for the posts, I spent about 2 hrs at work writing a long post, explaining me and why I am the way I am.
Basically from a broken family , parents D after 21 yrs . all thru my life at home we kids never saw any intimacy from either of my parents towards ea. Other or us, that’s why its hard for me. Lots more to all of this. I had an account of what happened here since last sat. and its not pretty . Bs keeps telling me not to give so much info. This is coming from a BS who wants to know everything,how can you help if you don’t know the story? That is why I didall the writing. Its not going to be typed tonite though. I will try to explain myself better and what is said exactlyso no one is confused. For right now the reason I said sshe didn’t like the Idea is and I quote do the damn time line , you didn’t need it to have the affair or to do all the things you did and said to her It was so simple for all of that with her but with me you need a damn time line . If aanyone has any Ideas on how I can kind of set up the time line suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
Way back someone asked me if I was willing to join Alanon I’m not sure what that is can anyone explain it to me? I’ll try almost anything . If I commit to something it will happen , was a drunk before I got married and quit , I smoked for 22 yrs. last 5 yrs 4 packs a day. After that a case of pepsi a day all of these I stopped cold turkey. When I got married weighed 155, 2 yrs ago I weighed over 260, 44 in. waist lost 68 lbs in about 6 mos. Now have a 36 in. waist,Have kept it off for all this time , currently drink 3 pots of coffee a day, so you see I know all about addictions and how to overcome them . I will over come this A also. And make my BS a wonderful H. I’m just not sure if I can learn to type with more than 1 finger.I better go now I still have the tax thing to finish yet and its 1130.




Gilligan

Friday I started jotting things down for my time line,I plan to keep adding all the things that I did and why I did them, most of the things I did were terrible to BS.
Yesterday I took BS and F-I-L into town both of us needed haircuts, we did a little shopping then BS and F-I-L got tired out so I brought them home and made lunch for them, (something I really enjoy doing, especially if BS helps.) Lunch being over we had more errands,so I volunteered to mdo them. While I was gone BS was going to lay down and rest. In just over 2 hrs I had 7 calls from BS. Next Friday is our anniversary aand I wanted to get something for us.She has always wanted a small swimming pool, I had already located one all I had to do was pick it up. They wouldn’t take our brand of CC, so I got another card ,thru them that I could put it on. First I didn’t want to write a check or she would see it, and second I feel guilty for not telling her about either of them.
I brought it to our sons to stash so she wouldn’t find it. I had a great time with both her and her dad which is something I never used to br able to say. We took him home, and I fixed his water softner. When we got home we went right to bed ,and I fell asleep on her.This morning we had another errand to do,BS asked if I would do it by myself, ok. Before I left we had SF, (her choice) but she acted like I shouldn’t touch her, Afterwards I went on the errand , since I got back she has been very distant.
Later she asked me about my time line,how it is going , then decided that it was none of her business. Now she is in lying down. Have I done something wrong that I don’t realize. For last few days BS has been trying to not LB she seems to be having a hard time, she seems like she would like to chew me out very badly. The no LB’s seems almost like a LB. I better go some things too do and I would like to spend as much time with BS as possible.More later.


Gilligan

wean off over a month

don't quit cold turkey

you actually sound better !!!!

Pep

yes
she IS thinking terrible things ~about~ you

but

she is also thinking ~much worse~ things about herself

it will be like this for a few months

on/0ff/on/off

pretty typical

Pep

Thanks for the words of encouragement, we seem to be talking less and less this discourages me.
I have a hearing problem, but now it’s the BS that never hears me and doesn’t answer. Made acomment to me that I probably aam telling everyone that I’m getting tired of her. I told her that I didn’t and that I wasn’t. I’m just frustrated trying to get her to understand just how much she means to me.
I was a person that never showed his feelings, and I mean never.
I can’t wait for IC this week its my turn to ask questions, and hope I get answers. BS just can’t seem to do anything just mopes around the house and wants everything better. I guess I’m just taking to long with C, my time line, and dumping on her so she can move on, she wants all, right now and I can’t.P.S. I’m working on the coffee, Only 3 cups today.


Gil.

do things for her without being asked

"talk" to her by doing things for her

I do tons of things for her , all of them without being asked , her comment I don’t want you to do things for Iwant you to do things with me . It’s almost Impossible to get her to do anything . She says the only thing she needs is the truth, so she can decide if there is a M left. I’m the busiest person you have ever seen.

2x4 inteneded here but......... An M needs 15 hours of together time. Are you so busy you can't fullfill that?

Next 2x4 if you were so busy how did you have time for an A?

Now that the A is over can you give that time to your W?

Start working on your timeline. Find out what she wants in the timeline and accomodate her.

There is a line in the sand here Gill. She wants honesty until you give her that you guys seem stuck.

Here is the bottom line there may be no M after you are honest. She wants to see if she can move forward with you.

My FWW wanted to know why I wanted to know, I told her there may be somehting in there I can't or won't forgive. Better I know now than a year from now. Why invest to much when you know the truth about it hasn't been told.

Good luck.

Do not give yourself permission to not spend time with your W or not to do things with her.

We are all busy.

Frognomore, Thanks for the lumber , there are a few things you need to know about our sitch
First we both work full time jobs. I have 15 peo. Under me . BS has lupus and PTSD and works as much as possible, ( supposed to be full time)
We also own and operate our own business, we manufacture 2 products ( we have our own trade mark) and distribute to Dist. And retailers all across the US.We produce and package them.
I do all the production with minumal help from BS and our kids.I do all ordering,shipping, and bookwork. We are an S corp. and doing all the book work on a computer with my computer talents is something to behold. LOL I usually wake BS give pills make breakfast and my lunch before being to work at 7.I get off at 345,do any and all errands that need to be done,(po box and take shipments in) when I get home I call BS and find out what time she’ll be home and make supper ( actually I make 98% of our meals.) Load dish washer ,Laundry ( mostly mine )help pick up house . Also I am doing IC currently working on a time line and trying to type to you lol again.We live in the country and there is always lots to do outside.
I have taken up all the slack for the things BS can’t do currently. ( due to what I’ve done to us.) All the bills are mine.I got A 2x4 from our former MC for throwing junk mail away BS didn’t trust me Jennifer said not to throw anything away not even an empty envelope let BS do that , after 4 mos. Of mail on the counter I finally sorted and threw.I’m not complaining I love my BS and will do what it takes for as long as it takes to help us, especially since I’m the one who had the A, and caused all this.
As far as when I had time for an A I was going to bed at 10 and getting up at 3 and walking from then til 5 or 530, got involved and started spending more time with OW and less walking ( she had a nite delivery service)
Another thing you don’t know is that for a time I thought BS was having an A normally works from 730 430 was staying going in late and staying late (sometimes as late as 10 pm)I know now that she wasn’t (I truly believe her) that was probably some of my justification for doing what I did.
We basically do nothing together enjoyable,all she wants to do is talk about A, not even go see our Grandkids, or anything else.
Fri. is our Anniversary 33 yrs. I asked her what she wanted to do ,go out to eat ,make a special meal at home? Her answer was go for a walk if I feel up to it. She also said she wanted no gifts would be a big LB if I did ( I already went and got her a swimming pool that I’m returning tomorrow)As far as 15 hrs a week I’ll do everything in my power to make and exceed that number ,but its really hard when you say something about a kid or something and the comment is, but what about us. She never wants any other conversation but the A….
I am taking up all the excess , but even a work aholic can’t do everything ,but I will sincerely try to.
I sound like I dumped on you or am complaining , just frustrated. I know I was a poor H at best before and during the A ,but I am making progress,and I do want and can be a good honest and A free H. There is more but I’ll save that for another time.

Gilligan

Gill,

Ok I am a little confused but that is OK.

First if you could do me a favor and it will get you more advice from others as well. Use spaces to break up your thoughts.

So from what I am reading your company is your job? If so, not to be a wise guy but with your computer skills you should hire someone to help you with that part.

As far as her wanting to talk about the A that will continue until she feels her questions are answered.

It is like watching a TV show. YOu might be able to watch it a few times then it gets boring. You know how it starts, what happens in the middle and how it ends.

Now have you ever seen an interactive show where it goes if you want to see joe go to the store press one if you want him to go to the farm press two. Each time the story being different or you notice something else. Then your interest will stay possibly until you have seen and heard it and get tired of it like you did the first time.

I think that is where you are.

So once that is done you should be able to start moving forward.

I can see your life is complicated but remember part of your life being complicated may have been part of the reason for your A. Don't make the same mistake twice.

a thought from your wifes mind.....if she hasn't said it allready, believe me she is thinking it.......

he had time to have a WHOLE other life....HE MADE TIME FOR WHAT HE WANTED......(should i go on????)

i have to ask.....how did you make the time then? and im asking cause you didnt have a few week A...it lasted awhile....how did you fit it in?


you are doing good.....but if you really want to make progress....your gonna have to just grab this tiger by the tail and do it....the timeline and going over it with her again and again. if you do this i promise it will get better.....it will be hard and horrible...but she will have what she needs to begin healing.

Frognomore, I’ll try to break things up for better understanding.

What I was trying to say is that I have a we both have full time jobs away from home, and we have a homebased manufacturing business that we both were working at, until I had the A . Now due to where BS is in trying to cope with the fact that FWS was a liar and adulterer. She can’t help at this time.

BS would be doing the books and all the computer things, She is excellent with computers that is what her regular job is, technical support for a large companies computers,( they have over 1000 of them. )

Question? I’m actively working on the Time line, and I don’t talk about A, I want everything right in front of me all in order. Every time I started talking about it in the past I would just say things at random as they came to mind .BS would get mad and frustrated because I’d say something and it wouldn”t match or fit in her puzzle the way it should.Do we talk about the A at all before I’m done?

BS also feels can’t say anything to me or ask any questions for fear of DJ’s and LB’s, says she needs to make it safe for me so I will talk. I tell her if she has a question then ask and I’ll answer, that puts me on the spot to answer a direct question honestly. It also makes me feel better giving her an answer to something that’s bothering her.I just told her she needs to try to watch how she asks, not what she asks.

Good thought for pondering about if complicated and busy life were a reason,or in part for having an A.For yrs. we have been talking about slowing down,( that’s hard for someone like me a work aholic).We thought the home business would help with that.I used to work 2 full time jobs away from home up to and over 100 hrs a week.That’s why when this came along we went for it, thinking with both of us doing it would mean less hrs for both.

Nikko, BS has said as much.
The time that’s why 3am BS supposed to be sleeping and me getting in shape.Then I wouldn’t be taking time away from a part of the day when other things could be done.I went out (walking ) everyday without fail. That’s when the meetings started . She said someone was bothering her so I thought I was trying to help, by trying to chase him off( probably was some other smuck In the same boat as I’m in now trying to get even with her if there really was anyone (looking back now).

All of these comments are excellent things for me to think about.

just promise me you will never tell her how stretched thin your time is or flat out YOU DONT HAVE TIME....... trust me, from someone who's heard that after he had an affair....the hurt of hearing that stays with you.

and if you need her to take some of the burden, tell her you need help so you have more time to work on the timeline and recovery....and if she helps you better spend the time on that! lol

her backing off is normal. she is backing off so you can step up. she wants you to come to her about talking about it. even if you finish the first month of the timeline...go to her and show her.....and let her see for herself you are serious and not stalling.

Gill,

So first part can you hire someone/pay someone temporarily to do what your W used to do? The bookkeeping and such?

To your own admittance you are not good at either. My thinking is this, if you can pay someone x amount of dollars but it saves you x amount of time it may be worth it.

You can talk about the A or you can ask to not talk about it until you are finished if the W is OK with that.

Do you guys know about POJA, the policy of joint agreement? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html
that is the link.

You guys really need to start communicated what is and isn't acceptable and come to an agreement. She wants a timeline/you want to give her one and that should be a really good thing. Instead it seems to be a point of contention because of the time.

Sit down see where you are, see the time you have and tell her, this is when I am pretty sure I can be done. Is that ok? If she say no then say ok I can get it done sooner if you.....(bookkeeping, shipping etc) I know she can't do some of them but you get the point.


She is right but she will DJ and LB more if she thinks you aren't honest. However this is not on you. She owns that, if she wants the truth she needs to make it safe for you to tell her the truth.

But if she does I would say "this is just my opinion" let it go. I am not saying forever but while you are going over your timeline I would have a pretty thick skin.

I would also say be completely honest, let the chips fall where they may. I think your W just wants the truth so you guys can move on.

I can tell you in my case the truth set her free.

I just felt like I needed to update everyone here, since I haven’t posted lately due to my schedule.

Anniversary was fri. went for a long walk , BS is having a hard time talking to me at all.I suggested a place to walk by a local lake ,she was ok with that. When we got there I could see it in her eyes ,LB was written all over it ,she wanted to desperately ask me if this was a place I took OW. (WRONG)Just thought it was nice place for us to walk and talk.

Sat had to help son ,one in turn came and helped me with some things that needed doing.

BS sick on Sunday and Monday, Monday was a disaster, mon. nite BS asked for SF, wonderful no problem, she proceeded to spend 2 and a half hrs on computer playing solitaire, then headed for bed I checked my thread, and got in trouble. I guess your not interested in SF tonite, ( yes I am). Both of us came to bed prepared you might say, she got there first then me, now she played with remote for 5 min.After that we talked a little,I asked her a question about me physically( something I did for her) a couple of mos. Have passed and no comment . after I asked she got mad and said I suppose OW told you all these wonderful things. She put on PJ’s rolled over and went to sleep, I tried to explain , no use she was sleeping in 5 min. or less. And I never slept a wink all nite made myself breakfast at 430.

I took her to Dr today, 100 miles away she said maybe 20 words I tried 2 or 3 times to talk. I told her that we are switching roles here I was the one who never talked and was so withdrawn from her. The tables are opposite now,she won’t like the person she is becoming( I know from experience)


We had a nice meal and started home, she was dead silent, I said a few things they didn’t work.
Here is my DJ for today ,I told her that I knew she didn’t care if I did a time line or not(remember her words on an earlier post) she has, I believe with all my heart she has already made up her mind as to the outcome, she just wants to say she gave me an honest chance, before she leaves. That way she can tell the kids she tried.

She nevers asks questions just keeps making comments about what I thought and says that’s what I’m showing her,( and they are just her opinions is her comment)

I have been working on my time line every nite for at least 1 hr., LB #1 asked BS for a 05 calender , if she could print 1 up, took a week. LB #2 also said would give me a spread sheet on finances she had typed up, that took only 5 days.

I’m frustrated its hard to get excited about my time line and work lots and hard on it when BS comments that she’s afraid that I’ll just lie some more and we’ll be done.


I can’t do this right now , 5 years ago she was the one who cried daily, now its me.AD’s don’t help, doesn’t make a difference if I take faithfully or not at all.

I can tell already its another sleepless nite.


Gilligan

TO update : Weekend went ok, BS did something with me that I waned to do. That was sat. On Sunday she caught me in a lie. I commented about the anniversary gift I got her and that after talking to her I took it back because she explained to me how hurt she would be with the gift. BS knew I got her something , I told her that much what I didn’t tell was about having to get another Ccard. I have told her if she wants she can look in my wallet for any evidence of any sort well she did.


When BS asked about the card, I told her it wasn’t a CC, ( A lie ). Finally thru a series of events I told her about the CC. I told her no more lying and what do I do. I told her that I just didn’t want her to find out what the gift was( the truth) Well I’m in the dog house so to speak, but glad the truth came out .

BS is trying very hard to help me as much as she can, offering to help on the time line in any way she can.

We had a talk this morning and I am pleased at the results, we are going to talk about the A every nite , she is going to ask me a max. of 2 questions I’ll either answer or tell her I can’t right now and put them in my time line that way I know what she wants to hear, hopefully helping me get it done faster. We are going to tape them that way we both can hear what we say and how we say it. Maybe that will help with the DJ’s and LB’s. I felt very good about this, cuz it was where we used the POJA to get that far.

BS is having a hard time today I’m trying to help her as much as I can.

I asked her about our talk this evening and she seemed upset about something and said she couldn’t tonite, I understand, and told her I hoped we could tomorrow nite it is something we both agreed with.I need to sign off now more later.

in order to get her the gift you needed to take out additional credit...i get that. but you need to figure out why you lied about it all. then you need to truelly figure out why it took a series of events for her to finally get the truth! do you realize how much damage that one little lie probably caused?

why lie when you got the card for a good reason?

I haven’t posted in a while I have been busy working on my time line. I am not as prepared as what I’d like to be ,but I can’t leave my BS hanging anymore . There are things that I haven’t figured out yet .

BS , I think believes I think everything is wonderful lol , well it’s everything but that . I listened to BS for 2 hrs the other nite explain to me basically that if everything isn’t wonderful with my time line and anything seems wrong to her then she is gone not if ands or buts. Well I believe that she will be gone cuz of the things I haven’t figured out yet. I have been quiet this week first cuz of the major verbal lashing I took the other nite.

Sleep is something I don’t do anymore . I am dreading tomorrow not cuz of the tell all, but cuz when I am finished, it is my belief that we will be too.

As far as the lie about the CC I did it because my BS would have Intarrogated me to no end until she found out what the gift was . She told me that unless it was the best gift anyone could have ever gotten the S**t was going to hit the fan . I understand now why she didn’t want one, but she didn’t bother to explain to me until after I got it the it was to later. The conversation would have been why did you need to use a CC anyways then it must have been expensive other wise you could have just got some cash out of our acct. then when it wasn’t that wonderful thing (trouble). I also got it for both of us not just her, I felt we could have spent some wonderful times together, in and around it. Well I had better go now and try to rest up for the roughest day of my life, becoming single again ( unfortunately) I did do this to myself through BS has been trying very hard til now to make this work.I’ll keep you postedas to the outcome .

Update: BS started with questions on sat 1030 per my request, I felt if she asked them it would make things go faster. We talked til 100 then broke for lunch. BS asked lots of little questions like was it raining when you had SF for the first time . lots more like that category.

We broke for lunch for an hr. then resumed . then I started on my time line per her request. At 230 we both needed a break started in at 300 went til 400 . BS said needed another break , I could tell. 2 or 3 times over the nite I asked to resume BS couldn’t

Sun morn got started late not til 100 one of the kids came. She started again, 230 told her I needed a break . Iwanted to start back up she couldn’t.

Mon nite we started again went for 21/2 hrs. lots of questions but that’s ok , no lies I said some things that bothered her .

BS said couldn’t believe others could get thru it in 1 nite, I commented depends on what they need to know.

BS asked me last nite if I had a previous A? I said no, still no lies, also asked me if I knew who she was on MB I told her I had an Idea she was 1 of 3 or 4 cuz I posted 1 nte right after her .

This morning BS commented we don’t talk, my answer was because you don’t want to talk about the present or the future Just about the A, she agreed.

I brought her home from work today she got sick at work. All along BS has been saying she feels inferior, I try to comfort ,I get in trouble , if I say nothing I get in trouble. BS says OW has a better body and is better sexually. OW is thinner , if I don’t say that its an argument, if I agree its an argument.

She says she will never be able to compare with OW, then says I was in L with OW I say no , still no lies .
Even if I don’t lie there”s trouble. BS says believes I was.I feel like I’m in a no win sitch.

I told BS I thought she had already made up her mind , and it is over, her answer was I told you not until we get done with the time line.Question if she can’t compare in supposedly my eyes and I’m in L with OW, ( by the way accused me of still being in contact) wrong!!!!!!!!! If all of this is true then why isn’t it over, in her words ( I DON’T GET IT )

One last thing do you peo. Whom have put us together from our threads can you tell me are our explanations on our conversations and comments completely opposite?