only if you can really be dark

don't do it until you are serious

I am new to posting but have visited since 2002 and read all of the information here and in Harley's books, other books too, etc. I also have read your entire thread. You really need to plan B him. I have nothing else to add. Pep was the first to tell it like it is and I agree. This isn't about you being a good wife or about you at all, he's made a decision and you need to respond in kind. JMHO If he shows signs of change like IC, reading books, approaching your friends about how you are feeling/are, then maybe something is there but as far as I can see you just need to give him what he wants 100%.

I am going to start preparing myself for a dark plan B. It will be difficult with our 3 kids but I really need to get out of this quagmire that just keeps bringing me down and trying to swallow me up.
Soon,
It is so hard to just let go, I really believe he wantss this divorce most of the time but has told me he has had 2nd thoughts. And I don't think he asks anyone about me now. He just doesn't care. Really hard to face the facts.
I don't want to be friends with him while he is with this person. And I will soon come to the point where I will tell or write him this.
He's happy in his affair world, at least for now.
Like I said previously I was getting all caught up in others situations hoping that could be mine. I need to realise that SL did a dark plan B and that's what I will need to do.
All of you are great and I appreciate all this input.
He is suppose to call but I know he will blow me off.

SH01

hang tough
my prayers are with you

Pep

write your Plan B letter & show us a draft

lunamare does an outstanding Plan B

ask for her support

Pep

Thanks Pep,

I need the prayers (along with all of us here). It means alot to me. I'm praying for strentgh and for God to show me a sign. I may be looking for the wrong sign. I'm concentrating so much on STBXWH and him coming back that I may be missing the real door that I should be going through.
I'm seeing my IC tomorrow and have so much to discuss with her. I'm thinking about printing this out and showing her.
I know I did everything in my power that I could to save my M, and I'm willing to do a little more plan A. So he doesn't remember me the total mess I was when he left.
When I go to bed tonight I hope I dream the right thing that I need to do.

Sh01

SH

you DO know that I think LilSis will also need to go to Plan B as well, don'cha?

Plan B is not a sign of failure ... it is a tactic to support your sanity and your dignity

Plan A too long ... you shave pieces of yourself off ... little bit by little bit ... until there is very little you remaining for recovery work

Pep

Pep,

It seems that things are going in the right direction for LilSis...

I know Plan B isn't a failure, although at times I feel like divorce is a failure.
I really think I am very close to going into Plan B. I'm still going to plan A just a little longer.
Tonight my daughters swim team dinner is at our house... this morning I mentioned to WH that the spagetti is at OUR house tonight and come over for some. We'll see what happens.
Didn't sleep really last night... everything keeps going thru my head. Am I just hanging on because I'm afraid I'll never have anyone love me again. Or am I truley ln love with my H? I think it's starting to sink in that he may never change.
At my IC this morning she told me that the only way he may ever change is to crash like an alcoholic. And at that time maybe he will accept that this isn't all my fault. She thinks he wants to hate me because it makes what he is doing easier.
Slowly I am coming to accept this...I'm trying to leave this in God's hands praying that he will enter WH heart and bring him back to his family. I don't think this MOW will ever love him as much as his family loves him.

SH01

yea...

I still haven't read up on your situation...

BUT do want to piggyback on Pep and tell ya that WE are PREPARING SIS for PLAN B....

I was thinking about when I noticed things were beginning to change in our M, my WH is a pharmacist and was robbed at gunpoint 2 days before he turned 40. I wonder if that's was the turning point in his life.. turning away from his family and me?

I hope you guys are there for me when plan B comes for me also. Actually I know you will be because that's what is great about this site.

SH01

PS. Love your byline "anything is possible when you believe" I believe that this could work.

Yes, this is right on. I see this in my EX WW she wants so bad to try and get me to "give it to her" so that she can say "see, that's why I am divorced". It kills her that I will not feed her anger, resentment, and mostly GUILT. The wayward has to hate the BS or they have to look at themselves for who they have chosen to become. It's that simple.

hopeandpray,

I have a hard time understanding hating someone who was such a big part of your life. I think it's a sad existance to live like that. Never taking responsibility for your own actions.
I don't mean to come off saying that I was perfect... far from it. It's funny he can't forgive me for what I did wrong... but I can forgive him for this! Why can't htey see that... turning their back on probably the one person who would stand beside them through thick and thin.

SH01

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

adultery is NOT about finding love

adultery is about feeling lost and searching for a reflected sense of self

if the MOW must constantly feed him his identiry she is in a FIXED role

and that builds resentments

it is for 100% CERTAIN
this adultery is not about love

do you want another 2X4 ??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Pep

Yes I guess I do deserve a 2X4 for that.

Your right that can't be love... it was built on lying to everyone around them. And love is beautiful and cannot survive on the barren dessert of infidelity.

I know they think they are in "love". But what they both need to do to see true love is look behind them and see the person they are leaving behind. Although that may cause too much guilt.

SH01

Affairs end. His will too.
But even when his (current) affair ends -- it doesn't mean he will be a good husband to you.
His mindset is not right.

You can consider the possibility of reconciliation when he comes to you with his tail between his legs/kissing the ground you walk on/begging for forgiveness/and you ACTUALLY SEE changes in his character that lead you to believe he will NEVER do this to you again.

Nothing short of that.

You deserve better. And you would be a gem to a man out there who appreciates what he has. (Your husband is NOT that man....yet....)

Lexxy,

I want to say that is the only way I would accept him back...which I don't think is going to happen. I'm not quite there yet. Being betrayed does a great job on bringing your self esteem down. I know I will get there eventually.

They is nothing in this world I pray for more then for this to happen.. him coming back like you say. I know I will be a gem to a man out there... I just hope it's my H.

SH01

WH called a little while ago, trying to fill out FAFSA papers for college (our oldest is doing a semster in Germany). When he called I told him I was just thinking about him and if he was going to be here in time for spagetti dinner. He mentioned how he had to work late.
I told him I would try yo save him some (may be tough with 20+kids) if he liked. He said it was up to me.
I told him that I really wanted to. Also asked him to call me tonight... he just kind of sighed.
Thinking about asking him why he did this to me again? Also if he thought about my e-mail last week. I guess I need to know why and hopefully he'll know. Don't know if he'll even call.

SH01

SH

I know this hurts but you have to stop groveling for him. He sees this as weakness and it makes him feel guilty which peeves him at you again. You should have invited him one time and dropped it. Don't ask him to call. He will call if he wants and you can make him. You may guilt him into calling but that's not what you are looking for to rebuild from. You have to look strong and as if you are capable and if necessary ready to move on.

I do know how hard this is to do, I promise.

Yes it's very difficult to do.... I wish I could stop myself. I just miss him so much.
If he does call tonight is it a bad idea to ask those questions? For a 45 year old woman I feel so stupid at times. He doea have to stop by to drop off our son's clothes. And I won't ask him to call again when he is here.
I am just so scared.

SH01

Your fear is palpable.

Neediness is very unattractive to a WS (well, in fact to most people...) But a WS is in run-away mode, and neediness is especially icky to them.

You will see a reaction from him when he senses you pulling AWAY from him.