Thanks for the info... a body pillow i"ve heard of.

Still

Let me know if you need me. So many of us understand your needs right now, for an ear, for the love of your spouse.

I used to talk to my mom (deceased) when I lay in bed at night. I would cry and talk. Some pray, some read, some call friends. I would tend to stay away from mirrors when sad or crying, because it fueled the fire, so to speak. I grew accustomed to sleeping alone, and sometimes enjoyed it.

I want you to know that you will be okay. Did you sleep well prior to all of the upheaval in your home? If so, you will get there again, but it will take TIME. For me, it took about two months of NOT SPEAKING to WH to begin to feel a bit more centered (he had moved out 3 months prior to my Plan B). Give it time.

My appt with my IC went okay. I feel like I'm going backwards instead of forward. Forward is away from WH and letting go and I'm really scared to do that.
She asked me what I'm most afraid of... the thing I'm most afraid of is being alone with no one there for affection and love. I guess right at the point I am now. I showed her the letter I posted and told her it would be the last "love" letter I send him. She thought it was very heartfelt.
My WH is still blaming me and not really accepting any resposibilty for what went wrong in our marriage. At least not to me. I don't know if he'll ever get to that point or not. I just wish I could save him from the path he is going down.
She told me I need to get out and not withdraw. I was doing that but lately I have been withdrawing. I know it the depression and lack of sleep. I think I know the things I need to do...it's just to get the energy to do them.
While reviewing Lilsis' thread someone mentioned having thier WH council w SH to help thier partner adjust to divorcing. I'm wondering about possibly doing this... so if anyone could give me feedback on that I would really appreciate it. My Wh does know I'm having a hard time lately adjusting so maybe he would?
He did call to see how I was doing and I apoligised for calling him so early this morning. He said it was alright. Not really heartfelt but not cold either. Then it was onto finacial stuff. It is getting hardeer and harder to talk and see him. It just reminds me of the man he was... it's my H but not really. A stranger in his body.
DS is spending weekend with him and he's taking him and DD toboggining tomorrow. I'm glad they will be doing something together. Just wish I could go along also, luckily I'll have work to keep me busy.
May go out tonight to a bonfire with friends although it's suppose to be really chilly tonight. Probably should force myself instead of just moping tonight.

Still

I think we were posting about the same time. I've had trouble sleeping off and on since his first affair. It would get worse when I was under stress.
But at least at those times I had him there with me in bed... never realised how much that meant just to ahve a warm body to cuddle with. He used to be a great cuddler and I miss that.

Ususally I try to pray when I can't sleep or watch a little TV. Sometimes pop in here. I don't have a problem falling asleep it just staying asleep. That is when I think about every thing going on and how much I miss him. My IC told me to picture a stop sign when these thoughts come into my head.. I will try that tongiht. Right now I can't concentrateto read anything more than the newspaper. And sometimes TV can be difficult... I stay away from lifetime.

I need to get back to praying for direction and allowing me to follow the path that God has for me right now. I can be pretty stubborn. It isn't easy especially when it looks like it leading away from what I want. I still will pray for my WH to open his heart and bring down his walls to me.
I may even pray for the MOW for her to turn away from the destruction she is causing in my life and that of her kids. Not just blaming her I know my WH is a willing participant.

Thank-you SL I may need you more than I relaise since you have just been through where I'm headed.

Still

have you tried any sleeping pills? It sounds like you may need a little help, just so you can get a couple of nights of good hard sleep. Your whole outlook on life will improve.

I remember early on, about 2 weeks after D day, I hadn't for more than 2 hours straight. I reached the point where i was non-stop weepy. Sitting at my desk weepy all day,every day. I finally took the advice of my friends and family, called the Dr , and got some help. After a coupel of nights of good sleep I felt WAY better.

We all hate to take pills. And I am not talking baout doing it long term. But perhaps for a little while??????

Also - write in your journal! Get this stuff out of your mind, and onto paper!! When you are laying awake at night with the thoughts swirling in your mind - turn on the light and start writing that stuff down. It is a HUGE help.

I kept my journal between the mattresses of the bed, so that I could write without worrying about the kids reading my private thoughts.

still,

I was having a hard time sleeping, even long after Dday, so I did go on Lexapro (antianxiety and antidepressant). I would have thoughts careening through my mind all night long; uncontrollably so. It was awful. My doc did prescribe a 'sleep' aid, that was actually an older antidepressant. I never took it, but it is non habit forming. I can't remember the name, but you could speak to you doc about it.

Getting sleep is of the UTMOST importance right now, and really, always. WOF has some good ideas with getting the thoughts out of your head and down on paper.

It's amazing what lack of sleep can do to you, in terms of anxiety and depression. It's amazing what getting sleep can do for your outlook. Your energy levels will be higher. Your thoughts will be calmer, and you will be able to tackle them one at a time.

What meds are you on? Oh, and BTW, you are not PITIFUL, nor is it pitiful to want the comfort of your Husband. Don't think of yourself that way. It takes a core inner strength to get out of bed every day and deal with what life has to throw you, along with your inner turmoil. Remember that, you can do this, you are strong.

SL,

Thank you so much for your concern. I am on Wellbutrin and just had my dose of Lexapro increased. I have to watch for side effects becuase I was getting a tremor. I also have Ambien for sleep, can't take it the nights I'm on call. Plus i really don't like taking it... feel like I have a pharmacy in house
I know it's the lack of sleep that's really affecting me... thanks for telling me I'm not pitiful... isn't it awful that we are made to feel that way.
Just got back from going dancing with friends... kind of spur of the moment tonight. It was good to get out. Although I still wished my H was there. But he wasn't and I had fun.
Hopefully I'll sleep until morning.

Still

hey still

are you having another sleepless night like i am?

i've not slept more than 3 hours each night since monday

i can't think of anything to say or do to make this better for you (or even for myself)

but i'm here if you need a friend

Orchid: Yes it is. No hard fast rule...got emotions involved here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> The point is you will go through stages. When you near the end of those stages is when relief is felt.



Orchid: He is still very much a WS that is why he can be sooo heartless. You imagine your H is in there somewhere but right now your H is under tight wraps.

Will you be stronger? Yes. It will take time. Your mind and heart need t/b in sync. It is a progressive journey one which you can't rush. So we need to get you in a plan so you can survive and cope.....then you can whiz by the WS in flying colors and make his head spin. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

U game for a plan?

L.

Eav,
Just leaving to go to work... I can read MB there but I don't post. Will post more tonight. Yes I have been having sleepless nights all along 4-5 hours of sleep so I'm a little better off than you with that. Last night got home really late was invited to a bonfire and out for a drink with friends. It was so cold went for a quick drink with friends and ended up going out dancing. Had fun but am extremely tired this morning. I am not as young as I used to be. (lol)
I'll be on around 7-8 tonight (EST) and check in with you.

Orchid,
How long does it take for heart and mind to be in sync.. I feel like I've been here forever. I am ready for a game plan.

Right now I'm trying to let go.... and accept. Does that make sense? I'm still ready to recover my M but need to prepare if that's not what God has in store for me.
Would love help with a plan.

Still

Still,

I will post my plan for you later today. It's just a suggestion. Take what it doable for you and move forward. ok?

Hugz,
L.

Orchid,

I'll take whatever suggestions you have. Was reading Mimi's old post that she bumped up earlier for LilSis. It was riveting... you guys did feel just like us.
It's amazing how WS say the same things, but even more amazing that what we go through is very similar.

Just want to say you were amazing for Mimi and I'm honored that you're helping me.

Still

I think this is it....I feel good about it. Would really like opinions.

Dear M,

I have been writing this letter in my head for a long time... what I'm trying to get across in this letter to you is how much I love you. I remember studying in the library one night our freshman year in college and this guy coming up to me to ask me how to help out with his "girl" back home. I must give off an aura of being a match maker... and I tried to tell him what to do for his girlfriend. Little did I know at this time it was all a ruse just to talk to me. This guy kept hanging around... Sharon and I thought it always happened whenever we had food. Then this guy asked me to a Celtics game that November. The only reason I went was because I had never been to a professional basketball game. Little did I know that that date would change the rest of my life.
Well we started spending all our free time together and I fell in love with you. In February I gave this guy something I had never given anyone else before. A gift that can never be given again. That night we learned intimacy. All our years together this was something that I was always so proud of that we were each others firsts.
We had our ups and downs during our 5 years of college...those are years I will hold and cherish forever. Whenever I go to Boston all I can think of is this is where we fell in love. When we brought our oldest to college and walking around Kenmore Square, Fenway Park, Fanuel hall it brought back bittersweet memories. Memories of the fun we had there although we didn't have money. I remember celebrating one of our anniversaries at that fancy French restaurant in Brookline and we spent like 50 dollars and after the meal we went to MacDonalds because we were still hungry. I had always hoped we would share our love story with our kids together.
On our wedding day back in October of 1984 was one of the happiest days of my life. I remember being so scared until I saw you waiting for me at the front of the church. I meant every word I said that day in front of our friends and family. That day we become one. You became the most important person in my life, you become my husband. You are still the most important person in my life. I remember the fear we had when we first found out I came down with chicken pox in the first trimester of my first pregnancy. Then the joy we had when our beautiful baby girl was born with all her fingers and toes. Each of the births of our children were very special moments we shared. Thank-you for giving me our beautiful children, we have been blessed.
I want you to know that I have loved you all through our marriage and I still love you. And I am so sorry for my contribution in the hard times. If I could go back in time I would erase all the times I made you feel I didn't love you. I can't go back in time, neither one of us can. The only thing we can do is look to the future and leave the past in the past. I want you to know that I am willing to leave recent events in the past... willing to work on our marriage. I believe that working together we could have a marriage we could only dream of. I want to look to our future together... one we always dreamed of. When I look at you I still see the man I love and cherish. I see a man that I was always proud to call my husband and father to my children. It hurts to see you and know I can't touch you or hug you. I miss your touch, I miss your laugh, I miss seeing the light in your eyes.
I do not want this divorce, but you have made it very clear this is what you want. I still pray that you may change your mind and come back and make our family whole again. There is nothing that would make me happier. This is a ride I never wished to be on... one that I wish I could get off. But that is not the case... I'm here if you ever change your mind and wish to reconcile. If that is to ever happen Sienna would have to be completely out of the picture, there is no room in a marriage for a third person. I'm now going to put the pieces of my life together I had always thought that you would be a part of it. I have to move forward and begin to heal for the sake of myself and our children. I wish I could stop you from going down the path you are going down but realize you are the only one that can do that.
I love you enough to let you go, this is the hardest thing to say. I know the road in front of me won't be easy., but I am getting stronger and will make it. I have the love of my children, family and friends. And maybe someday I may even find love again... I would love for that to be with you but realize that may not be the case. Always know that you will always hold a big piece of my heart. I wish you the best and hope you find the happiness you are searching for. There is a song that Martina Mcbride sings now about how we can love someone with all our heart for all the right reasons and they can chose to walk away ...love them anyway. I'm loving you anyway.

All my love,
Di

Still

Is this a plan B letter?

I'm not really sure... because my attorney thinks that type of letter may hurt my chances in court.
I'm seriusly thinking of calling SH and making an appt. Don't know if it would do much good if WH won't do it.
I'm thinkong it's more of a letter that I'm letting go if that's what he truly wants. But if there is any chance the door is still open... but who knows how long.

Still

Too mushy t/b a plan B letter. Plan B letters should be short and direct. A couple of sentences to remind him of his family and your history together but that's about it.

So keep this letter because it is therapeutic for you but don't sent it. Ws' don't appreciate love letters. Besides....their attention span prevents them from being able to read and comprehend it all in 1 sitting. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

Orchid,

Just got up for a few minutes to check for comments. It's not really a plan B letter. I really think it my last love letter to him. Not even sure I'm going to send it.
As you say it's more for me although I want him to know my thoughts and feelings. It may not mean something right now but I know at some point it will mean something to him. Maybe I'm just decieving myself. And if I were to give it to him I'd never know what he did with it. I could just ask him to read it.
I didn't talk to him hardly at all today. Beside the fact that I lost my voice...I can't talk to anyone really. Makes working kind of tough. He seemed angry when I did talk to him though. He found out that I went dancing with friends. Maybe it bothered him that it was with his friend. No 2X4's here okay you can give the 2X4. This guy is a good friend to both of us. His wife (one of my BF's) didn't feel up to going. Plus there were other females in the group... so not even close to resembling a date. Maybe he sensing that I'm not calling and doing the relationship talks...
I'm trying extremely hard not to show how crushed I feel it's soooo very hard. And I may not always be successful.
I still may give him this letter and work on Plan B letter also. As I have said before I ahve given him lot's of letters so this isn't new.

Orchid would still love a plan.

Still

Still,

I wouldn't send the letter. Just keep the Plan A up. Ready yourself for Plan B. I don't believe a Plan B letter will hurt your case in court, if that is what your attorney means. This letter will only be about YOU not talking with HIM on a close, personal, level. The letter will include that you love your spouse and will do what it takes to work on the marriage, if conditions for recovery are met. The only catch would be that WH has to speak to you through an intermediary. Even then, you are still reachable.

I wouldn't send the 'love' letter that you have written; Orchid is right, most WS's don't see beyond the words, and it may just cause a roll of eyes. You don't want that. A Plan B letter is about self-respect, too, about boundaries and you enforcing them.

orchid

you said you had a plan in mind for still?

Gotz a plan but headed to a meeting then work. Will see if I can post this afternoon (HST). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there Still..... I know you know this stuff...just gotta give you a refresher. The place where you are right now is a hard one but you will survive it with all the grace and dignity that belongs to you.

Sharing your feelings is ok. Just don't share it with a WS. Hold that thought until I return, ok? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.