but you don't SHOW your WS hate

that is a lovebuster and in plan A you avoid LB

i think you allow yourself to feel it and you use that to motivate you to keep fighting

Eav,

That's a great idea about calling the show. I've actaully listened to it once....not sure if it was live as it was over the computer.

He's not on locally here. I'm going to think about my e-mail to him... don't know if forwarding him this thread would help? Open to suggestions on that.

I am so close to going into plab B right now as I said earlier it still has to be a couple of weeks. DD has a dinner and dance show in 2 weeks and tickets are
bought and IL and my parents are going to be there. We are at the same table. My parents aren't crazy about that... but if it gets to bad then I will request different tables as this is a HS production.

What you're feeling now about questioning whether a second chance is deserved is where I'm sort of afraid to go.

I think you're wonderful and if you do choose to let someone else into your heart that person is getting the greatest gift... YOU.

I wish your WH could see what he is losing... You have been great to me thank-you.

ps I see you're also not sleeping tonight...

Still

Orchid: Do NOT be afraid of the Ws. What is he going t/d, have an affair? Hmmph.....


Orchid: Very telling isn't it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />


Orchid: Not logical but it is what happens in the fog. Hard to believe it until you experience it.


Orchid: It's a nightmare. So make sure you are strong enough to venture into that area of your world. But don't go alone or unarmed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

i haven't slept more that 2-3 hours in days <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

i went back and edited my post above

i'm not sure that it clearly expressed my thinking.....
i'm not sure i CAN even clearly express my thinking until i get some sleep

i will re-read it again after i get some rest and see if it's what i menat to say or if it needs more work

i didn't mean to give the impression at all that i'm considering not trying to work things out with my H

or willing to consider a relationship with someone else

i think i'm trying to express that my attitude is beginning to change about how awful i treated my H and that because of this, i would be "so lucky if he would ever be willing to give me another chance"

the truth is, we both made mistakes

i may have made mine first when i stopped meeting his needs because of my depression and it WAS an awful thing for my H to go with unmet needs for so long

but I darn well didn't CHOOSE to stop meeting his needs or to do things that would hurt him and break our marraige vows....

HE DID!

the longer this plan B is lasting, the more time that i have to work through my thoughts and to grow from the experience. It has also been very helpful for me to get the perspectives from FWW during the past few weeks.

i have never had a problem that i was unwilling or unable to share with my H

and if he had shared his feelings with me.....none of this would have happened

he choose to share his feelings about ME and about US with someone else and that choice was the beginning of his destroying everything important in our marraige

before that, we still had everything that we would have needed to work though any problems we had.

and so, i'm just beginning to realize that everyone IS right

my H had so many other choices that he could have and should have made

WOF once told me that I was ill, and he promised to be there for me in skickness and in health.......what if i had cancer instead of depression

would he have done the same thing when i could no longer meet his needs?

so i'm thinking about alot right now

and i'm trying to deal with those new feelings and i'm working through them.

it's not changing my desire to restore my marriage or causing me to give up hope

i think it's just allowing me to give a little more of the blame i've been carrying to my H....were it should have been all along.

i think that's called PROGRESS

but i'm so darn tired that i'm noteven sure

perhaps my thoughts will be more clear with time and with some sleep

(gosh! i hope i don't read my posts in the morning and find they are completenon-sense.....but if they are, that's why God made erasers!)

time to close my eyes and try...

Eav,

Had to go back and reread your posts and print them out. You really did edit it!!!!

Either that or what I said to Orchid that I'm dreaming all this holds.(JK)

Sleep... wouldn't it be wonderful to get one full night of sleep? I do get more sleep then you have been getting. It's just staying asleep. I really should try my Ambien again. Although starting to get used to getting out and checking in on my friends at MB. (wish I knew how to put those cute little icons)

Eve do you have anything to help you sleep?
Sometimes just getting one good nights sleep makes all the difference in the world. I think your posts made perfect sense.

Wish my WH had trouble sleeping... doesn't seem it. But who cares right!

As I said I need to figure out the time zone thing to call the radio show and I will work on my e-mail a little later. I really think that would be very helpful.

I did go back to sleep after my last post.. and got a couple more hours of sleep. Missed one of your posts I think we were posting at the same time.

I can really relate to your analogy about the dog getting kicked. While reading that I kept thinking that's me... I keep going back to get kick when all I'm looking for is a pat on the head. Having that unconditional love... any attention is wanted. You're right about still wanting to go back...but you are so much stronger right now.

You're also right about WS not being able to give me what I want right now..like I said earlier to Orchid I really need to keep reminding myself of that. The person who looks lie my H and father to my children isn't being allowed out. The devil is holding him in.

I don't know if he'll ever feel sorry ....I hope he does find his way out. I guess I need to be the lighthouse (need to go back and find that thread)

Last night I prayed for all of us here on MB... especially those of us who are struggling (Eve, LilSis, Silent, Rind, sorry if Ileft anyone out) I prayed that we would find peace within ourselves and if our M were meant to be help us through the pain and struggle.

I'm perfecting my "armour" for this war and nightmare my family is in right now.

Still <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Still,

I'm sorry that I haven't been around this week; it's been pretty crazy at work and home.

Sounds like you have gotten to your WH, cut through some of that pesky fog. Try to remind yourself, while you are reacting, and before you speak, that strength in the face of adversity is hightly ATTRACTIVE. Look, you may still end this M with a D, but that doesn't mean the end of the R that you desire with your H. This wayward is in the way.

Plan B would be great for you, and if you implement it soon, you will have a few months prior to D to get real dark. I would look into reverse babble if you can. It's really just taking what a WS says and injecting reality into it, as they ususally speak so far from reality it's insane!

You ARE strong, and fully capable of living a HAPPY life without this wayward beast. YOU have the choice of whether to accept this man in your life ever again. A small bit of advice, prior to any Plan B, avoid the temptation to initiate conversations with the wayward, as this will withdraw from your LB (which is close to going bankrupt!) You want to maintain some love for your H, in case he cuts through the fog, with a strong desire to reconcile.

I hope that you are composing your letter now. Get it ready, post it here. Take some time, maybe make it a project of love. Get some good writing paper, hand write it, seal it and be ready to hand it off, no warning.

I remember that I didn't sleep well for almost a year, maybe more, but I do NOW, even with a wayward under my roof, because I am no longer afraid. I have faced certain loss, and lived in a place of acceptance, and grew, personally. I became stronger. This does not mean that I don't worry that our recovery will fail; I do. I just don't worry about how i will fare in the end. I WILL be GREAT, no matter what.

I, too, am in Plan A again. My WH is responding. He has his moments of detachment. No SF for a while now, but I expected that reaction to withdrawal, as that was his reaction last time.

Don't wonder too much what a Wayward thinks. I have asked my WH about his thoughts while away, and some were still foggy. I will wait until all the fog is cleared and my H FULLY returns. It's almost USELESS to try to ferret information while they are in alien form.

You are doing very well. If you learn a bit more reverse babble, you will be able to respond to accusations of ruination of his R with HIS daughter. It's never a LB to tell the honest truth.

Hang in there, still. If you can start talking to some friends, ask for help, form a good support network, you will be aces in Plan B. Again, if you want my number and email, let me know, and I will post it. Much love and respect from me to you, Still...

Silent,

I'm not sure I got through to WH... it seems the fogg he is in has been getting thicker lately. Don't think there is more contact with MOW. I know he has been working late and has been with our children alot lately. And i think I'm like MIMI the queen of the drive-byes. The MOW lives on a street that in my town is a main drag to get anywhere and her car is there alot. Although the weekend is coming and my DS is with me this weekend. Those are the weekends I have the most trouble because I know they have time to be together.

My goal for this weekend is to enjoy my children. My DD comforted me last night as I was crying... don't let dad make you feel guilty about our relationship. He is the one that's responsible not you. Words of Wisdom, when did I lose that logic?

I would love to have you tel # and e-mail. If you want to e-mail it to me I'm
at [email]ouelfam@adelphia.net.[/email] I'll come back later and delete this as it tells alot.
I will try not to call you because that may hurt your working on your own recovery.

Plan B right now is looking better and better all the time. He really is making major withdrawels from my LB. I know I've been in the red for him for a long time. And I'm so close to it with him.

I do have many good friends... funny it's most of the friends we shared. One in particular frequently sends me cards in the mail and gives me small gifts. I tell her and her H that she has been a godsend to me. She makes sure to ibclude me in alot of her plans. So I am forming my support network. What I'm fearful of is that they will get tired of me... almost like my H did. I just keep reminding myself that they haven't yet. I am so lucky in that aspect.
Our friends have not been supporting WH at all. They make small talk and such but that is about it.

It will be freeing to not to always be thinking about WH. I can't wait to get there. At that point I can really concentrate on me.

I'm going to do more reverse babble... put everything he blames on me right back in his lap. I will take responsibilty when I am at fault.

Thanks Silent hope to here from you soon. Have the next 2 days off from work.

Still

Eve,

Not sure when you'll be back on line....maybe tonight in the wee hours. I missed the live broadcast today so going to make the effort for tomorrow am.
Just not sure how to e-mail them, looked around on the site and couldn't figure it.

I have another question for you, did your WH ever talk with jennifer? If he did do you think it helped some? Why I'm asking I am considering asking my WH as a last ditch effort to talk with SH. He probably won't do it. That may be something I'll ask if I get on the radio show.

I'm going to listen to the rebroadcasts later to get a jist of what I need to know.

Thanks ,

Still

my H never spoke to Jennifer

i would think that you would just need to send the email to office@marriagebuilders.com

i would send a summary fo your marraige info

a summary of the A, including detailed info about OW

any info that you have regarding your h's emotional needs

anything MAJOR that has happeded, like the D filing, custody issues etc.

and then your questions or concerns

Eav thanks.

Are you feeling better today?

Still

Hi, just chiming in...I had to chuckle about the sleep...OMG...a full night...that would be like an hour massage! Oh, MY!

We'll make it...just like you said...we're strong, determined women...we'll get there...one foot at a time...

I like silent's idea about the Plan B and going really dark before the D...A WHOLE LOT...

You may, just perhaps, appear needy to him...I don't know...who's to really know...it's just a thought...although I did like what O said about "when are you going to learn that you CAN NOT help the WS..."

Oh, that Orchid...so wise...LOL... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Well, I check back later...see how the night has progressed for you...

Cheers, to great strong woman everywhere...oh, and men...the ones who make good choices!...

DiD I get a smile...I was hoping for one...do I need to work on my standup...I may need it in the days to come...LOL

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Rind,


I got an hour massage last night. I slept just about all night. I think my body just couldn't take anymore. Now let's see if we can make it 2 nights in a row.

Yes you made me smile this morning... you sound great.

Like Silent said I will go dark... before the divorce. The way it's going the divorce won't be final til May or June. And that if there are no bumps in the road. Darkness is planned for early March. Wait it is March darkness March 11th or 12th.

O is a very wise woman.... that's exactly what I'm doing trying to help WS. And I get surprised when I keep banging my head against the wall <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Going to try to get on the radio show today. I'll let you know ow it goes.

Still

i took an ambian and got a little more sleep last night

i'm glad to here that you got some sleep and that you have a plan!

Eve,

I didn't even take my Ambien!! I think I was just exhausted.

Just read what you wrote on LilSis thread it was beautiful.

Going out real quck to get my daily dose of caffeine from DD

Still

Still,

Call Steve. Mine talked with Steve while in the fog and even though the WS stated that he didn't like Steve, he hogged up almost all our time. LOL!!

L.

WOW, That's great!

I didn't do so hot...with everything that was going on yesterday I didn't eat until almost 9pm...but BOY, did I make up for it in the middle of the night...two poptarts and a bowl of cereal!

Can we say COMFORT FOOD? I don't like that I do that, but I'm like sleep eating...I barely remember! Oh, well, it's going to get better! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Orchid,

I'm just trying to think of a way to broach the subject about him talking with Steve. He's not big on talking about problems with other people. I'll make an appt with Steve to see how I can broach it.

What I'm thinking of is blaming it on my having trouble letting go. I don't know.

Had IC today and it felt good. I think I have a plan....

I know I need to proceed to heal. I need to begin to accept the fact that my WH may not come back. I need to think do I want him back damaged as he is. It doesn't mean I don't love him with all my heart. But love can only go so far.
I haven't given up. I just need doses of reality.

1. I will continue to Plan A for a couple of more weeks.

2. Encourage WH to talk to Steve.

3. Give WH my plan B letter. And go dark

4, Have my support group in place...

How's that sound so far?

Still

Rind,

I used to do that also... eat when I woke up. Haven't done that for a while.
Although the other night I did get up and have WW ice cream bar. Blamed it on my sore throat.

Just remember we are here for you all through this.

Still

Thanks, I'm less paranoid about him coming here and reading my stuff now...I mean he hasn't done that since I've been here...

So, I feel freer to write freely! The balls rolling I just have to keep it going! I feel good about what I'm doing, much better than staying...

I mean who's to say that we don't reM one day...anything can happen...and if not well that's the way it needs to be...I keep thinking of him accusing me of sleeping with someone...I was shocked, told him that he could check my phone and follow me if he wanted too...that I had enough problem with this M that I didn't need OM to deal with...

And that's the way I feel about it...I don't need nor want someone else in my life anytime soon...and he'll probably say it again and I'll be proud when he discovers that there's no one around!

Anyway, I'll be around for a little while!

Just got off the phone with my oldest D. She's in Germany til July for school. I really miss her.
I'm so glad that you are feeling safer. It makes me feel alot better. I posted on your post that I'm here for you if needed.

Just tried to call the MB radio show... sent my e-mail to J. Harley about my situation. Called the show and it's a rebrosdcast... just my luck <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Talked with the gentleman and he said I would get an e-mail back and could set up a time to call. In the meantime I may set an appt up with Steve. I mean time is ticking and I need to get things in place. Just like you.

Had an appt with my IC this morning. And brought her up to date about everything. The situation with my D at her banquet and how it's my fault. This has always been an ongoing issue. Last night he talked to her an she hung up on him after calling him an A$$. He called me back and told me that I asked what happened. He told me he told her he loved her and missed her and wanted to spend more time with her and if she would like that.
I told him to keep telling her that not to give up.
My IC told me next time it tells me he is hurt to say "it does hurt to want a relationship with someone who doesn't want to have one with you"
He still need to start taking responsibilty and stop placing ALL the blame on me. She thinks he narcisistic (?sp). To keep putting it back in his lap... like Orchids RB.
I told her that I still want to reconcile. I'm also preparing myself for the D. But I have a plan and told her about this website. She told me that she doesn't know anyone that has held on as long as I have. (I thought of Eve). And it's okay to have hope, just be relaistic also.
Today I think I'm on that page. It's probably the good night sleep I got last night. Nothing like sleep.
I feel good today and refreshed today. Hope it lasts.

Thinking of you Rind, let me know how today goes I'll be thinking of you today.

Still